The Misadventures of DX and the Hardy Boyz
by redsandman99
Summary: From meeting Bigfoot sort of , being chased by “killer” dogs and driving everyone else insane, these four wrestlers never have a dull moment.
1. There's a monster under the bed!

The Misadventures of DX and the Hardy Boyz

Summary: From meeting Bigfoot (sort of), being chased by "killer" dogs and driving everyone else insane, these four wrestlers never have a dull moment.

Bigfoot Under the Bed

"Hunter? Hunter? Hunter wake the hell up!"

Hunter groaned. His head was throbbing. He had one of the worst hangovers in the history of all hangovers. "Go back to sleep Shawn," he mumbled. "It's too early to get up."

"I'm not Shawn you idiot!" Jeff snapped. He threw the TV remote at Hunter. "Would you get your lazy ass up? We have a serious problem here!"

Hunter opened his eyes. "Jeff? What the hell are you doing in my room?"

"You're in my room dude. You passed out in here last night and nobody bothered to move your fat ass."

"Oh. Then where did Matt sleep?"

"I don't know, I'm not his keeper. Now can we get to the problem at hand?"

"What problem?" Hunter asked irritably. He was starting to wish he had passed out somewhere else. Jeff was really starting to piss him off.

"There's a monster under my bed."

Hunter stared at the younger man in shock. "What did you just say?"

"There's a monster under my bed," Jeff repeated. He grabbed his pillow and hugged it against his chest. "I tried to go take a shower and it grabbed my foot."

Hunter burst out laughing. "Wow, I've heard you heard you say some crazy shit before but that takes the cake."

"I'm not joking!" Jeff whined. "There's really something under there!"

Hunter sighed. "Oh for the love of God." He got off his bed and knelt down to look under Jeff's bed. "There are no such things as--"

Something very large and very hairy yelled at that moment and tried to grab Hunter. The twelve time world champion let out a girlish scream and jumped back into his own bed. "SWEET CREAM ON AN ICE CREAM SANDWHICH! WHAT IN THE BLUE HELLWAS THAT??"

"I told you!" Jeff yelled triumphantly. "Before you woke up it nearly pulled me into its evil lair of doom!"

Hunter grabbed the telephone. "We have to call for help. Maybe we could find the number of a monster extermination service."

"There's no such thing as a monster extermination service."

"Maybe the Ghostbusters--"

"That was a movie! And in case you didn't notice, we're not dealing with a ghost!"

"Maybe I could call Monsters Inc. then," Hunter finally suggested.

"WOULD YOU STOP SUGGESTING FICTIONAL SOLUTIONS?" Jeff screamed. He jumped from his bed over to Hunter's. He grabbed the larger man by the shoulders and began to shake him. "WE HAVE A SERIOUS FUCKING PROBLEM HERE!"

"Yeah, and it's called your breath," Hunter muttered. He pushed Jeff away. "Seriously, go get a breath mint or something."

The monster let out a terrible growl and pushed the bed over. Hunter and Jeff's jaws dropped in shock. "It's Bigfoot," Hunter finally managed to say. "Jeff, how the hell did Bigfoot get under your bed?"

Bigfoot roared and lunged out of them. The two of them scrambled out of the way and ran to the door. "It won't open!" Jeff cried. He tugged on the door several times to prove his point.

Hunter undid the latch and got the door open. They ran out of the room and went down the hallway, plowing into the returning Matt as they did. "Run Matt!" Jeff warned his older brother without bothering to turn around and stop. "Run like the wind!"

"What the hell are you--guys, why is Big Show still wearing that costume?"

Hunter and Jeff stopped in their tracks. "What?" they said at the same time.

Matt sighed, got back up to his feet and helped the giant out of his costume. To Jeff and Hunter's shock, it really was the Big Show.

"What the hell were you guys doing?" Big Show yelled when he was finally free. His body was drenched in sweat. "I was yelling at you for hours! I needed help and all you two did was yell about monsters!"

Hunter grinned sheepishly. "Uh…whoops! Our bad."

Jeff frowned. "What were you doing in that costume anyway?"

Big Show just shook his head. "Some questions are better left unanswered."


	2. A hound from Hell

A Hound From Hell

"Honey are you sure you can handle this ?" Maria asked.

Matt rolled his eyes at his girlfriend. She was getting all worried about nothing. She had a photo shoot to go to and needed somebody to watch her poodle Mr. Kettles. Matt had volunteered himself for the job, but for some reason, she seemed strangely reluctant to let him do it. "I'm sure baby," he assured her for the hundredth time.

"Alright," she finally said. She bent down and patted Mr. Kettles on the head. "You be a good puppy for Daddy," she told him. "Mommy will be back as soon as she can."

Matt waved goodbye to her. "Alright Mr. Kettles, lets--hey, stop eating my Pop Tart!" He went to move the dog away from his precious cherry pastry. But Mr. Kettles had other plans. He let out a demon like growl and snapped at Matt. Matt jumped back just in time. This was not the sweet little Mr. Kettles Maria had described to him. "Okay, lets just calm down," he said. "How about I give you a piece of the Pop Tart? How would you like that."

It turned out that Mr. Kettles did not like that at all. He started barking like a crazy demon monster thing and sent Matt running behind the couch for safety.

"Hello?" Shawn said as he came in the room. The Showstopper was clad in full DX gear. "Anybody home? Oh look, a Pop Tart!"

"Shawn no!" Matt tried to warn his friend.

It was too late. Mr. Kettles saw what Shawn was going for and freaked out. He sank his teeth into the Heartbreak Kid's leg. "GET IT OFF!" Shawn screamed. He started thrashing around wildly. "GET THIS CRAZY THING OFF OF ME!"

Matt got out of his hiding space and tried to get Mr. Kettles off of Shawn. But Mr. Kettles had other ideas. No matter how hard Matt pulled, Mr. Kettles would not let go of the death grip he had on Shawn's leg.

"JUST KILL IT!" Shawn screamed. "KILL THIS CRAZY THING!"

"I can't kill it!" Matt explained. "It's Maria's dog."

"I DON'T CARE IF IT'S VINCE MCMAHON'S SECRET LOVER! YOU'RE GOING TO KILL IT AND YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT RIGHT NOW!"

Mr. Kettles finally let go of Shawn and bit Matt's finger. Matt cursed loudly and aimed a kick at the crazy dog. But Mr. Kettles moved at the last second and he ended up kicking Shawn in the groin. "Oh shit," he muttered. He grabbed Shawn, who was now in the fetal position and dragged him towards the door. It was time to come up with a plan.

XXX

"What's it doing now?" Shawn asked when he finally recovered from the shot to his testicles.

"It ate my Pop Tart," Matt grumbled. He was glaring daggers at the small dog. "And it peed on the floor."

"Bastard," Shawn said with a sigh. "So what do we do now?"

"Well, I've thought about it long and hard, and there's only one solution."

"We kill the dog?"

Matt paused. "Okay, there's two solutions. But the one I'M talking about is an exorcism."

Shawn looked at Matt like he was crazy. "An exorcism? Are you serious? Who the hell do we know is capable of doing something like that."

"I was hoping you would know how to do it."

Shawn smacked Matt for being an idiot. Matt punched Shawn for smacking him. Soon the boys were wrestling around on the floor and didn't hear Jeff come in the room. "What the hell are you two doing?" he finally asked.

They looked up and saw that Jeff was actually holding Mr. Kettles. And what was even more surprising was that Mr. Kettles wasn't growling. Hell, he was actually licking Jeff's face.

"How did you do that?" Matt asked in amazement.

Jeff shrugged. "I don't know. He's liked me ever since I started sharing my Pop Tarts with him." He started to laugh. "You should see how he gets when somebody tried to take them away from him. He gets all crazy and…guys? Where are you going? Well Jesus, you don't have to leave. I--eww, what smells like piss in here? Come on Mr. Kettles, let's get out of here so I can introduce you to the wonderful world of Skittles."


	3. The dangers of boredom

The Dangers of Boredom

"I'm bored!" Jeff complained loudly.

"We know!" Matt snapped. He, Shawn, Hunter and Jeff were in Hunter's dressing room watching TV. "What do you want me to do about it?"

"We could play a board game," Jeff suggested.

Shawn shook his head. "No way. The last time we played Monopoly Hunter destroyed the board with his sledgehammer because he was losing."

"ERRONEOUS!" Hunter shouted. "Erroneous on all counts!"

"How is that erroneous? We saw you do it!"

"HEY!" Jeff yelled. "There is no foul language in this locker room!"

"Jeff, do you even know what erroneous means?" Matt asked in exasperation.

"No. That's why it's a dirty word."

Matt sighed. "You're an idiot Jeff."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Boys, if I have to get up, somebody is going to get an ass kicking!" Hunter growled.

They all sat in silence for a moment. "I'm bored!" Jeff whined again.

Matt smacked himself on the head. "Well what do you want to do?"

"I want to build a fort!"

"A fort?" Hunter asked. "What are you, five?"

"Yes," Jeff answered. "Yes I am. What are you going to do about it?"

"I'm going to get Beth arrested for being a pedophile!"

"Well then I'm going to get Stephanie arrested!"

"For what?"

"For molesting Matt."

"Don't drag me into this!" Matt exclaimed.

"Children!" Shawn yelled. "Let's focus on the matter at hand! Where are we building this fort?"

Hunter rolled his eyes. "I'm not building a fort and that's final!"

XXX

"I hate you guys," Hunter muttered after they built the fort. Their "impressive" looking fort was made out of boxes, pillows and old ring ropes. Hunter was wearing the old school DX t-shirt, camouflage pants and an army helmet and he was holding his sledgehammer. Shawn was in his wrestling gear, a cowboy hat and he had a pile of tennis balls in his lap. Matt and Jeff were both decked out in pure black and football helmets, but while Matt had a harmless water gun, Jeff had a BB gun. Matt questioned this logic, but didn't say anything. All that would do was make Jeff start whining again.

"Look at them," Shawn whispered at the people who were walking by. "They have no idea we're watching them."

Hunter groaned. Shawn was being completely stupid. Everybody could fucking see them. It wasn't like they had built Fort Knox. "Somebody kill me now," he muttered.

Jeff raised the BB gun.

"I was kidding!" Hunter shouted quickly.

Jeff put the BB gun back down, obviously disappointed. "I want to shoot somebody," he complained.

"You're not shooting anybody," Matt snapped. "I don't know why we're trusting you with that anyway. You're going to put somebody's eye out with that thing."

Shawn snickered. "You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out!"

Hunter grinned. "I love that movie." Then he got serious. "But seriously Hardy, put that gun down. There's no telling who you're going to shoot."

"But I don't wanna," Jeff whined. He tried to hold the gun out of reach but Matt went for it anyway. The two of them began a desperate tug of war and the gun accidentally hit…

"OW!" MVP shouted. "WHO THE HELL JUST SHOT ME IN THE ASS?"

Hunter smirked. "You know, for a guy who was in jail for nearly ten years, he acts like that was the worst thing that ever happened to his ass."

Shawn looked appalled. "That's disgusting Hunter!" He took a bottle of water and dumped it on Hunter's head.

"IT BURNS OH GOD IT BURNS!" Hunter shrieked. "SHAWN WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?"

"Oh shit!" Shawn exclaimed. "It was just holy water! I didn't really think it would do that!"

Hunter burst out in laughter. "I'm just fucking with you Shawn. Now come on; let's go watch the Power Ranger kill Dumb and Dumber."


	4. The Jeff Hardy Show

The Jeff Hardy Show

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, welcome to The Jeff Hardy Show!" Jeff yelled at the top of his lungs. "I am your host, Jeff Hardy, and sitting next to me is the jelly to my peanut butter, the cheese to my macaroni, my brother Matt!"

"What in the hell are you doing?" Matt asked. "We're not on a show. We're just sitting in the middle of an empty arena with a TV monitor in front of us."

"That's where you're wrong Monsieur Poopy Pants," Jeff replied. "You see, The Jeff Hardy Show is the newest addition to 's fine programming."

"You mean people are going to be watching this train wreck? Oh fuck me."

"Matt! It is not that kind of program! That's the kind of shit you're going to find in perverted fanfics. Besides, even if I did want to fuck you, Beth and Maria would not be happy about it."

"You mean people actually write about us having sex?"

"Yeah, I was disturbed by that too. But that's next week's topic. ANYWAY, I sent six people on a random blind date earlier today. Let's check in on the first couple."

Shawn and Maria showed up on the TV monitor. They were standing at an amusement park. "What the hell are you doing Jeff?" Maria yelled. "I'm dating your brother for crying out loud!"

"And I'm married!" Shawn added.

Matt glared at his brother. "You are so dead Rainbow Boy."

Jeff held up his hands innocently. "Hey, don't blame me! This was all completely random. None of this is my fault."

"Oh save the bullshit," Shawn snapped. "When I get a hold of you, I'm going to kick your teeth down your--OH MY GOD MARIA, LOOK! IT'S A GIANT PURPLE ELEPHANT! WIN IT FOR ME! WIN IT FOR ME!"

"Terrific," Jeff said cheerfully. "They seem to be having fun. Now let's check in with our second couple."

The next thing that came up on the monitor was Trish Stratus and Mickie James sitting at some restaurant.

"Jeff, this is not cool," Trish snapped. "I told you that once I retired that you couldn't mess with me like this any more."

"Oh come on Trish, you and Mickie had a special bond," Jeff protested. "It's time for you to reconnect with each other. And by "reconnect" I mean make-out with each other and give me some huge fucking ratings"

Mickie groaned. "Oh my God, you are so dead when I get there tonight."

"Well they're no fun, so we'll just cut away from them."

"Jeff, you are an idiot," Matt said. His patience was wearing thin. "You're just making people want to kick your ass."

"Shut up Jelly Cheese. I'm Peanut Butter Macaroni here."

"That did not make any sense whatsoever."

"It didn't have to, I'M THE HOST OF THE SHOW! Moving on, let's check on our third couple."

The next thing everyone saw was Ted DiBiase Jr. and Cody Rhodes making out. Jeff just stared at the screen in shock while Matt gagged. Hunter chose that moment to walk on the "set". "I knew those two were fairies," he commented. Then he walked away, having made his official cameo for the chapter.

"Moving on from that grossness," Jeff said as he turned off the monitor. "Let's bring out our musical guest, Randy Orton!"

Randy came out, but he didn't look happy. "Why the hell am I the musical guest? I don't even sing."

"You will now," Jeff said. He handed Randy a microphone. Randy threw it down and gave Jeff an RKO before storming away.

Matt just sighed and shook his head. "Ladies and gentleman, this is the end of The Jeff Hardy Show. Please pick up the remains of your sanity and try to go on with your lives."


	5. In touch with the feminie side

In touch with the feminine side

"Guys I should go soon," Hunter said regretfully. "Stephanie's been really mad at me lately."

Shawn frowned at his friend. "Mad at you? How can she be mad at you?"

"She says I spend all my time getting in trouble with you guys and I don't spend any time with her anymore."

Shawn, Matt and Jeff gave Hunter a sympathetic look. The four of them were sitting in the locker room playing Go Fish. No trouble had been started yet, but it was only noon, so they had plenty of time left in the day.

"You could always tell her we're cool and she's annoying," Jeff suggested. "That'll shut her up."

Hunter glared at him. "That will also guarantee that I'll never again for a few years so I'll have to veto that idea."

"You've knocked her up twice within the past couple of years! Maybe her uterus wants a break!"

Matt threw down his cards. "I can't deal with this. All Maria talked about yesterday was marriage and babies. I can't deal with it today too."

"You don't want to marry Maria?" Shawn asked.

"I don't want to marry anybody. Not for awhile anyway. Can we just drop the damn subject?"

"I want to have a baby," Jeff announced, completely ignoring Matt's plea. "Babies are fun."

"Your kids would be scary," Hunter said. "I don't think the world is ready for your spawn."

"What about your spawn? They're going to grow up to be sledgehammer wielding maniacs!"

Shawn's cell phone rang suddenly. "Someone answer that for me."

"Why?" Matt asked.

"It's going to be Rebecca and I don't want to talk to her. She's going to scold me."

"Why would she scold you?"

"Matt, would you just answer the damn phone? You'll find out soon enough!"

Hunter grabbed Shawn's phone and answered it since the older Hardy was too busy asking dumb questions. "Hello? King of Kings speaking."

"Hunter?" Rebecca said. She sounded pissed. "Put Shawn on the phone."

"Uh…I can't. He's afraid to talk to you."

"He better be. You want to know what he did last night?"

"Sure."

"The neighbors caught him running around in my favorite pair of high heels."

"WHAT?" Hunter yelled in shock. "Rebecca, hold on a second." He put down the phone. "Why would you wear your wife's high heels?"

"You did what?" Jeff said in disbelief.

Shawn turned a deep shade of red. "I was curious! I--I--they were just there and I thought they would fit and they did but I broke them and people saw me…"

Hunter got back on the phone with Rebecca. "Uh look, Rebecca, he's really sorry and really embarrassed. Maybe you should make like Jesus and forgive him for his cross dressing sins."

Rebecca was silent for a moment. "I didn't say what he did was a sin. I just wanted to know WHY he did it."

"Oh. Well that's easy to answer. He's a drag queen who's been living in denial all of these years."

"HUNTER!" Shawn shouted. He snatched the phone out of Hunter's hands. "GIVE ME THAT!"

Matt shook his head as Shawn left the room. "You are so mean," he told Hunter.

Hunter shrugged. "Hey I was just trying to get him to take the phone. What am I supposed to tell Rebecca, the truth? That high heels are kind of fun to try on?"

Matt raised his eyebrows. "And you would know that because?"

Hunter blushed. "Uh…no reason."

Jeff started to laugh. "Dude, you have so totally been trying on girl shoes." His eyes widened and he started jumping up and down like an idiot.

"Oh God, is he having a seizure," Shawn said. He had finally come back in the room.

"No, that's just how he looks when he gets a really crazy idea," Matt explained. "And judging from the amount of jumping he's doing, this one is really nuts."

XXXX

"I told you this one was really nuts," Matt said. He and Shawn were watching Jeff parade around in a pair of Beth's red high heels.

"I don't think this is nuts Matt," Hunter said. He was putting on a pair of Stephanie's high heels.

Matt rolled his eyes. "Why are you three so into your girlfriend's shoes thing? This is not normal!"

"Name one thing we do that is normal," said Shawn.

"Well I can't but that doesn't change the point I'm trying to make."

"Oh lighten up Matt," Jeff said cheerfully. He started dancing around the room. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…"

At that moment the door opened and Edge walked in. The Rated R Superstar saw Jeff and Hunter and stopped in his tracks. "Uh…can someone try to explain to me what in the HELL those two are doing?"

Matt shrugged helplessly. "There's no explaining Jeff and Hunter. They're unexplainable."

"Well they better get explainable really quick because Beth and Stephanie are going to be here any second."

Hunter looked horrified. "Oh shit!" He quickly tried to take the shoes off but fell over, knocking down Jeff too. Beth and Stephanie walked in at that moment. They stared at their boyfriends for a long time, their mouths dropped in shock. Finally Stephanie broke the silence.

"Hunter this is getting ridiculous. If you want to wear my shoes so bad you can just ask."


	6. Fun with a drunk

Fun with a drunk

Shawn watched the scene in front of him with awe, pity and shock. "How long has he been doing that?"

"About fifteen minutes," Hunter answered. He was videotaping the entire thing. "Before this he was treating us to his rendition of "The Greatest Love of All". I about killed myself."

Jeff was grinning like an idiot. "This is great. Now I'll always have something to hold over him."

The three of them kept their eyes on Matt. The older Hardy had gotten insanely drunk on tequila and was making an ass out of himself. At the moment he was dancing on a table, bumping and grinding like a stripper.

Santino Marella was also there and he decided to put his two cents in. "He looks like the love child of Stone Cold Steve Austin and Snoopy the Dog."

Shawn frowned. He wasn't sure how the Italian came up with that strange conclusion. Matt had a lot of skin showing at the moment and it was as white as it could get.

"Santino, it's Snoop Dog, not Snoopy the Dog," Hunter tried to explain.

Jeff held up his hand. He had a mischievous look in his eyes. "Now hold on a second Hunter. Don't correct the man. He could have meant the Snoopy that actually is a dog."

Santino frowned. "There's a real dog named Snoopy?"

Jeff nodded. "Yeah. And his owner Charlie Brown was hitting on your girlfriend earlier today."

"What? He dared to try to take my Beth Phoenix away from me. Tell me, Jeff Hardy, where is this Charlie Brown? I want to open a can of ass whip on him!"

"Room 306. You better hurry though; I heard he wanted to show her his "Great Pumpkin", if you know what I mean."

Shawn laughed as Santino stormed away. "That guy is so dumb. I love it."

"Who's room did you really send him to?" Hunter asked.

Jeff had the biggest grin on his face. "The Undertaker's."

Shawn and Hunter's jaws dropped. The Undertaker was in an especially foul mood today. The thought of Santino pounding on his door and demanding to know where Charlie Brown was made them laugh like crazy.

"YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABY RIGHT ROUND LIKE A RECORD BABY!" Matt sang at the top of his lungs. He was spinning and swinging his arms around.

Jeff giggled. "He is so wasted."

"He is," Hunter agreed. "You know, we could probably have some fun with him. I bet he's open to just about any kind of suggestion."

Shawn grinned. "Ooh, I have a good one. Matt! Hey Matt!"

Matt stopped, looking confused. "Santa?"

"No, but close. It's Shawn."

"Oh. Why did you make the room stop spinning?"

"Because I have a mission for you. I need you to go out in the lobby and start dancing with random people while singing my entrance music. Can you do that?"

"Sure." Matt jumped down from the table (almost falling on his head in the process) and ran out of the room. Shawn, Hunter and Jeff followed him. There was no way they were going to miss a moment of this train wreck.

The first person Matt ran into was JBL. "I think I'm cute, I know I'm sexy," Matt sang. He was doing the Party Boy on JBL. "I've got the looks that drives the girls wild."

JBL looked disgusted. "What in the hell do you think you're doing Hardy? I am a wrestling god! You cannot do this to me!"

"You may be a wrestling god, but I'm a sexy boy! Sexy boy! I'm not your boy toy! Boy toy!"

Jeff was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down his face. "Oh man, this is awesome. Thank God for tequila."

"Hey Matt!" Hunter yelled. "Shawn's got another mission for you. He wants you to take off your clothes and shout "Viva la Cock" while running around the hotel."

Shawn tried to protest but Matt already had his clothes off before he could say anything. "Viva la Cock!" Matt yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Hardy, if you come over here again I'm really going to kick your ass," JBL threatened.

Matt had no interest in JBL though. "Viva la Cock! Viva la Cock!" Everybody was staring at him now. Everybody except JBL seemed to be finding this whole thing amusing. But then a really, really pissed off man walked into the room.

"WHO IN THE HELL SENT THIS IDIOT TO MY ROOM LOOKING FOR CHARLIE BROWN?" Undertaker yelled. He was dragging an unconscious Santino Marella behind him.

Matt stopped jumping around. "It was Jeff!" he exclaimed triumphantly. "Jeff did it!"

"Matt what the hell?" Jeff whined. "How could you accuse me of such a thing?"

"Cuz you always--whoa!" Matt stumbled and tripped over his own feet. "Ow!" He got back up to his feet. "You do those things like that. You tell the lies about the Charlie Browns and the Snoopys."

"You're drunk, you don't know what you're saying," Jeff said. He looked at Undertaker. "You can't believe I would do something like that."

Undertaker glared at him. "Actually Hardy, I can. You do those kinds of things all the time."

Jeff's eyes widened. He knew he was caught. "Uh…Matt was making fun of you earlier!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Shut up!" Undertaker snarled. "I don't care who did what because I'm going to kill the both of you!"

Hunter chuckled. "This is great. I'm going to put this on the internet and it'll be the most popular video on YouBoob."

Shawn frowned. "It's called YouTube Hunter."

"Is it really? Well that sucks. But hey, that means I can make my own website: YouBoob dot com. It's going to be great!"


	7. A Jeff Hardy Production

A Jeff Hardy Production

"I want to make a movie," Jeff announced suddenly.

Hunter looked up from his magazine. "What, you mean like a porno?"

Jeff rolled his eyes. "No you idiot. I want to make an actual movie. I have a camera, a script--"

"You just randomly keep scripts in your pocket?"

"No, I don't Mr. Smart Ass. I have one because I wrote it last night. It's about a young prince named Prince Nut Cracker--"

"Jeff, that is the stupidest name ever."

"Shut up! You're stupid! Anyway, Prince Nut Cracker falls in love with Princess Pussy Willow--Hunter quit laughing! I'm trying to be serious here."

"Really?" Hunter snorted. "You have a funny way of showing it."

Jeff sighed. "I'm just going to ignore you now." He smoothed out the wrinkles in his script. "As I was saying, Prince Nut Cracker falls in love with Princess Pussy Willow but her father, King Grapefruits and her brother, Sir Tallywacker don't approve of this love."

"Where did you come up with these names? Seriously, this sounds like you were watching some crappy medieval porno when you were writing this."

"So King Grapefruits and Sir Tallywacker have the evil witch Cruella Dyke kidnap poor Princess Pussy Willow and keep her in her evil lair of doom. So Prince Nut Cracker gets his friends Sir Pimp Slap and Jack Ass to help him rescue the princess. But soon they find out that Cruella Dyke's lair is being guarded by angry, man hating lesbians!"

"Hold on a second," Hunter interrupted. "I like lesbians. Why do the lesbians have to be the bad guys?"

"It's just the man hating lesbians that are the bad guys here. After losing the first fight against the angry lesbians, Prince Nut Cracker and his friends enlist the help of Queen Fire Crotch and her army of good lesbians to help them on their quest. At the end, there's a big battle and good triumphs over evil and everyone lives happily ever after."

Hunter sighed. "Jeff, you can make this movie if you want, but I want no part of this train wreck."

XXX

2 hours later

"Jeff!" Hunter whined as he fidgeted in his prince costume. "I said I wanted no part of this train wreck!"

"It's not a train wreck, it's my movie," Jeff replied. "Now quit whining. Everyone else already agreed to do this. Alright people, lights, camera, action!" He waited a few minutes before starting his narration. "Once upon a time, a really long fucking time ago, there was the brave and noble Prince Nut Cracker."

"Oh Jesus," Hunter muttered. He raised his toy sword up in the air. "I am the brave and noble Prince Nut Cracker! I am awesome and I fucking hate you Jeff!"

"I hate you too," Jeff snapped. "Now one day, Prince Nut Cracker met the beautiful Princess Pussy Willow."

Stephanie came into the room wearing a bra, a short skirt and high heels. "Oh I am Princess Pussy Willow and I am so lonely," she said, sounding positively bored. "I wish had somebody to love me."

Hunter stared at his wife in shock. "Jeff! You made my wife look like a hooker!"

"I know," Jeff said with a laugh. "It's awesome. Now say your line. You're ruining the flow of my movie."

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Oh Princess Pussy Willow, I am falling in love with you because Jeff Hardy is insane and that is what his stupid script is telling me to do."

"Hey that last part is not in the script!" Jeff objected.

Hunter continued like he hadn't heard him. "Oh Princess Pussy Willow, accept my hand in marriage and let me impregnate you with my cock that is the size of a--"

"HEY!" Jeff yelled. "THAT IS NOT IN THE SCRIPT HUNTER!"

Laughing, Stephanie put her hands over her chest. "Oh Prince Nut Cracker, I wish I could do that. But my father, King Grapefruits and my brother, Sir Tallywacker will never allow it."

"We'll see about that! Your family will accept our love or I'll squish your father's grapefruits and whack your brother's tally! Or tally his wacker. You know, which ever one works out better." Hunter stopped and looked at Jeff. "How could you write this crap?"

Jeff ignored him. "So Prince Nut Cracker went to go talk to King Grapefruits and Sir Tallywacker."

Hunter went in the door that said KING GRAPEFRUITS LIVES HERE. Inside the room were Vince and Shane McMahon. "Prince Nut Cracker!" Vince boomed out. He had a ridiculously large crown on his head. "How dare you enter my castle without permission! I will strike you down with my grapefruit size testicles!"

Hunter stared at his father in law in shock. "How in the hell did Jeff get you to do this?"

Shane looked exasperated. "Jeff offered him a chance to talk about his testicles on camera. There was no way he could pass this up. Why he dragged me into this I have no idea."

Vince poked Hunter in the chest. "Listen you, I don't give a damn whether or not my daughter loves you. You're going to stay away from her, you understand?"

Hunter rolled his eyes and decked Vince. "This is so stupid," he muttered as he left Vince's office.

"Our hero thought that settled the matter," Jeff narrated dramatically. "But King Grapefruits wasn't going to let go of his daughter so easily. He quickly convinced the evil witch Cruella Dyke and her army of angry, man hating lesbians to kidnap his daughter so Prince Nut Cracker couldn't have her."

Matt (dressed in a witch's costume) came in with the army of lesbians. In reality though, the lesbians were just Santino Marella, Kenny Dykstra, The Miz, The Great Khali and Charlie Haas dressed in drag.

"Jeff, what the hell?" Matt whined. "Why do I have to play the witch?"

"Quit your whining Matt Hardy!" Santino snapped. "I want to ask your Skittle haired brother why he made me dress up as a woman!"

"Because we all know who the real man is in your relationship with Beth," Stephanie said with a laugh.

"Enough of this nonsense!" Jeff exclaimed. "Lesbians, kidnap Princess Pussy Willow! Matt, hit Hunter with that chair I gave you!"

"Wait, what?" Hunter said in confusion.

Matt whacked Hunter with a chair as the lesbians carried Stephanie away. "Beaten, but not broken, Prince Nut Cracker vowed to get his girlfriend back." Jeff paused for several minutes. "Hunter, you're supposed to get up and make that vow."

Hunter groaned. "I think he busted me open."

"I don't care what he did. You get up right now and make that vow."

"How about I vow to kick your ass?"

"Oh you are such a baby! Anyway, Prince Nut Cracker enlisted the help of his friends Sir Pimp Slap and Jack Ass to help him on his quest.

Shawn, wearing a name tag that said Sir Pimp Slap and Chris Jericho, wearing a donkey costume, came and helped Hunter up. "Hey Nut Cracker!" Shawn said happily. "Guess what?"

"What?"

Shawn slapped Hunter across the face. "I'M SIR PIMP SLAP BITCH!!"

"Knock it off Pimp Slap," Chris ordered. "We have to save Prince Nut Sack's girl so I can get to my Halloween party."

"First of all, it's Prince Nut Cracker," Hunter corrected. "Second of all, you look retarded in that costume."

"The three friends went to Cruella Dyke's lair of doom, but they found something that was worse than death."

Hunter, Shawn and Chris walked out towards the ring. They could see that Matt had Stephanie tied up to the chair in the middle of the ring. Outside the ring, the "man hating lesbians" were all watching The View.

"Oh God my eyes!" Shawn screamed.

"We can't fight these odds!" Chris yelled. "Forget your girlfriend Nut Sack! She's not worth it!"

"My name is Nut Cracker bitch!" Hunter yelled as he slapped Jericho across the face. "And don't worry. I know what to do."

The three of them went back to the girl's locker room. "Where's Queen Fire Crotch?" Hunter asked. "We need her help."

Lita stepped out of the shadows, followed by the rest of the WWE divas. "I am Queen Fire Crotch," she announced. "What the hell do you want?"

"We need help getting Princess Pussy Willow back," Hunter explained. "That way we can end this unholy Jeff Hardy production."

Lita nodded. "We can do that."

Jeff grinned. "So our heroes went out and prepared themselves for the ultimate battle between good and evil."

Lita led the divas out of the ring and got rid of the angry "man hating" lesbians. Hunter, Shawn and Jericho rushed to the ring and beat up Matt and untied Stephanie.

"Thank God," Stephanie said. "We can finally be done with this movie."

"Hold on Stephanie," Jeff interrupted. "I've decided this movie needs a little sex. So everybody take off your clothes, you're having an orgy!"

Everybody stared at him for a long moment. Nobody knew what to say. Finally Hunter rolled up his sleeves. "That's it Jeff. I've had enough. You're going to get your ass kicked."

"Not if you don't catch me!" Jeff exclaimed. He laughed crazily and ran away.

Hunter sighed. "Well that takes care of our problem. Anyone hungry? I could eat a horse."


	8. Shawn's Birthday

**Shawn's Birthday**

"Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday dear Shawn, happy birthday to me," Shawn sang loudly. He was really excited about the fact that today was his birthday.

"I don't see why I have to wear this stupid thing," Hunter muttered. The pink birthday hats were really bothering him.

Matt rolled his eyes. "Would you stop complaining? This is Shawn's special day. You have to be supportive."

"But I look like a fairy."

"You look like that all the time," Jeff pointed out.

"What should we do first: cake or presents?" Rebecca asked, interrupting the potential Hunter/Jeff fight.

"Presents!" Shawn exclaimed. "I want my presents!"

Hunter handed Shawn one of the gifts. "Here, open this one. It's from me."

"Oh boy!" Shawn ripped it open eagerly, only to have his jaw drop open in shock. It was the newest issue of Playboy, only a picture of Rebecca's head was taped over the cover girl.

"I know you only look at you're wife naked now, but I also know she doesn't do stuff like this. So I figured if I put her face in there, you wouldn't feel bad about looking at all the naked chicks you want." Hunter sounded very proud of himself.

"Wow," Matt said in disbelief. He quickly handed Shawn his present to break up the awkward tension that had arose. "Open this Shawn."

"Hopefully it's not completely inappropriate," Rebecca muttered as Shawn opened the gift.

Hunter pouted. "My gift was not completely inappropriate. Everybody needs pictures of naked chicks."

"Oohhh, it's a new I-pod!" Shawn said happily. "Thanks Matt!"

"But I wanted a new I-pod Matt," Jeff whined.

"It's not your birthday Jeff," Matt tried to explain.

"I don't care! You were supposed to get me one anyway!"

"Jeff please stop whining," Rebecca pleaded as Shawn opened another present.

"Hey I got a Slip 'N' Slide!"

Matt glared at Jeff. "Why would you get him that? He's going to end up hurting himself."

"I know," Jeff replied. "But it'll make me laugh so it'll all work out."

"I want to play with it right now," Shawn informed them.

"Let's eat cake first," Rebecca suggested. "Then all of you guys can go outside and set it up."

"Cake!" Jeff yelled happily. He ran into the kitchen and immediately crashed into something.

"What did you break Jeff?" Matt asked as the rest of them went into the kitchen.

"Nothing!" Jeff said defensively. "Jeez, why do you always think I'm breaking stuff? Do you think I'm a klutz or something?"

"Do you really want him to answer that?" Hunter replied.

"Boys settle down," Rebecca ordered as Jeff gave Hunter the finger. "Somebody needs to cut the cake."

"I'll do it," Shawn volunteered. He grabbed a knife from the drawer. "I know exactly how I want my cake cut."

Matt took a good long look at the cake. "Uh Shawn? Are you aware you have a Powerpuff Girl cake?"

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Well duh! I'm the one that picked it out." He started cutting the cake, making sure he beheaded the little cartoon superheroes. "Die you little freaks! Die, die, die!"

"Wow," Hunter said in amazement. "I'm actually concerned about Shawn's mental state right now. This is not normal behavior for a guy over forty."

"I want the piece that has the green girl's head on it," Jeff said.

"But that's the one I want!" Shawn objected.

"Who cares what you want?"

"I'm the birthday boy! People have to care what I want."

"Matt! Make Shawn give me the piece I want!"

"Hunter! Make Jeff stop whining for the piece I'm having!"

"Can't we all just get along?" Hunter asked.

"NO!" Jeff and Shawn yelled.

"Oh boy," Matt muttered. He knew this wasn't going to end well.

Jeff grabbed a piece of cake and shoved it right in Shawn's face. Shawn made a high pitched whining noise and did the same thing back to Jeff. Then before anyone could stop them, the Heartbreak Kid and the Rainbow Haired Warrior were having a full fledged food fight.

"Can't you stop them?" Rebecca pleaded. "They're messing up my kitchen!"

Hunter shook his head. "Sorry Rebecca. Nobody can stop those two once they get started." A piece of cake hit him right in the face. "OH YOU TWO ARE FUCKING DEAD!"


	9. WWE Planet

**WWE Planet**

"You know guys, I was watching Animal Planet," Hunter said one day before a house show was set to start. "And it was actually kind of awesome. It also got me thinking that we should have our own version of Animal Planet."

Shawn frowned. "But we don't have animals. I mean, we have dogs at home but they're not here with us right now. Besides, dogs are kind of common anyway."

Jeff jumped up and down. "I know what we could do! The other wrestlers could be our wrestlers and we could be the explorers observing them and talking about them like they're all important and shit. We could call it WWE Planet."

Matt raised his eyebrows. "Well as fun as that sounds, I've actually got somewhere to be right now."

"Like where?" Jeff asked. "You're only teaming up with Maria to--" he stopped and grinned. "Oh I get it. You want to get some pre-match sex. Good for you buddy!" He gave Matt two thumbs up.

Matt rolled his eyes. "Shut up Jeff," he snapped as he walked away.

Shawn shrugged. "Oh well, that just means there's more animals for us."

So Shawn, Hunter and Jeff crept around backstage until they found Hornswoggle. "Look at that boys," Hunter said in a hushed tone and a fake Australian accent. "It's a leprechaun. Originating from Ireland, this little nugget is known to reside under the WWE ring."

"Although he's been known to venture backstage to search for candy," Shawn added.

"That's right Shawn," said Hunter. "In fact, the only creature in the WWE that likes candy as much as the leprechaun is the Rainbow Haired Enigma with us right now."

Jeff giggled. "I like candy."

"We know you do Jeff," Hunter said, patting Jeff on his head. "We know you do." His eyes widened as he saw Mike Knox walking by. "Good God! A grizzly bear is coming right at us! What the hell do we do?"

"We have to get in the fetal position," Shawn said. "It'll leave us alone if we do."

So the three of them curled themselves up into the fetal position. Mike Knox looked down at them like they were nuts before walking away. "That was close," Jeff said as he sighed in relief.

"It was," Hunter agreed. The three of them got up and kept creeping along. The next person they ran into was Snitsky.

"Look at this thing!" Shawn exclaimed. "It's a Pale Bodied, Yellow Tooth Troll! It's hideous!"

Jeff frowned. "I thought trolls lived under bridges."

Hunter shrugged. "Maybe that table he's eating at is his bridge. One of us should run across it just to see what he'll do."

So Jeff ran and hopped up on the table. "Look Mr. Troll! I'm running across your bridge! MWHAHAHA!"

Snitsky shook his head and looked at Shawn and Hunter. "That is not my fault."

Shawn and Hunter looked at each other and burst out laughing. Jeff pouted and joined the DX members. "That troll was dumb. He didn't even try to get me off his bridge."

Hunter wrapped his arm around Jeff's shoulders. "It's okay Jeff. I think I found something a lot better." He pointed to the Divas locker room.

Shawn groaned. "We're not going in there."

"Well YOU'RE not going in there," Hunter corrected. "Jeff and I, on the other hand, are definitely going in there. Right Jeff?"

"Aye aye Captain!" Jeff said eagerly. He burst into the Divas locker room eagerly, closely followed by Hunter. This caused all the Divas to start screaming and trying to cover themselves up.

"Get out!" Melina shrieked.

"You're not supposed to be in here!" Kelly screamed.

"Only the gay guys are allowed in here!" Mickie added.

Hunter smirked. "Well obviously you guys haven't realized that Jeff and I are totally gay for each other."

"What?" Jeff yelled. "No we're not!"

"He's just a little shy to admit it," Hunter explained quickly. He wrapped his arm around Jeff.

Jeff gave Hunter a disgusted look. "I so hate you right now."

Kelly studied them carefully. "Well, if you guys really are gay, then maybe you should prove it. Kiss."

"What?" Jeff said in disbelief. "You can't seriously expect me to kiss this idiot."

Hunter dipped Jeff almost all the way back. "Hail to the King baby," he said, imitating Bruce Campbell from _Army of Darkness_. Then he planted a big one right on Jeff's lips.

"GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!" Jeff yelled. He pushed Hunter away and smacked him right in the face. "What is wrong with you, you freak? Everyone already knows we're not gay!"

Mickie nodded in agreement. "That is true. Although now I feel bad for Jeff so he can stay."

"What about me?" Hunter asked.

"OUT!" the girls shouted at once.

Hunter pouted and left. "What happened?" Shawn asked.

"My plan to prove I was gay backfired," Hunter explained. "I guess forcing a kiss on Jeff might have been a little too much."

Shawn stared at him in shock. "You know what? Don't explain anymore. I don't want to hear it."

Hunter sighed. "Fine. But what are we going to do now? One Hardy left us to get laid and the Divas are keeping the other one."

"Well I don't know about you, but I want to look at some snakes," Shawn said.

"Hmmm, sounds like a plan." So DX went off in search of some snakes. They soon found one in the form of Randy Orton.

"Look at it Shawn," Hunter said in a hushed tone. The Australian accent from earlier was back. "Look how it stalks its prey like an overgrown gay tiger."

"I can hear you!" Randy snapped.

Hunter smirked. "I know you can Orton."

Shawn tapped Randy on the shoulder. "I know this is going to sound weird, but I can I drape you over my shoulders? You know, since you're a snake and all?"

Randy gave him a strange look "No!" He shook his head and stormed off.

Shawn pouted. "He didn't have to be so rude about it. He could have been a lot nicer."

Hunter patted Shawn's shoulder. "You'll get over it Shawn. Now let's go annoy more people."


	10. Womanizer Baby

**Womanizer Baby**

"What's wrong with Matt?" Hunter asked.

Jeff grinned. "Matt and Maria broke up."

Shawn frowned. "Then why are you smiling? You're supposed to feel bad for him."

"I know, but she broke up with him to date Candice."

Hunter started laughing. "Dude! That's awesome!"

"Shut up!" Matt snapped. "This is not awesome! I got dumped for a chick. I really need to get drunk right now."

Shawn sighed. "Matt, getting drunk is not going to--"

Jeff elbowed Shawn in the ribs. "I think that's a great idea Matt. I think alcohol will help you deal with your pain."

So the four guys drove to a local karaoke bar and had some drinks. Matt once again hit the tequila way too hard and he got insanely drunk. "It's just not fair," Matt complained. "Why do my relationships never work out? I'm a nice guy. Aren't I a nice guy?"

"Of course you are," Shawn assured him.

"And the nice guys get more tequila," Hunter said. He handed Matt another shot.

Matt downed it in a second and continued his rambling. "I mean, first Lita cheats on me with Edge. Now Maria leaves me for Candice. It's just not fair. I want the happily ever after tale."

Jeff patted him on the shoulder. "There there big brother. It'll be okay."

Matt grinned and pulled Jeff into a big drunken hug.

"Uh okay, that's nice Matt. Get it out of your system. Just--OUCH! THAT WAS MY NIPPLE YOU JACKASS!" Jeff pushed Matt out of his chair and rubbed his chest. "Fucking hell Matt, just because your girlfriend turned into a lesbian doesn't mean you get to pinch my nipple!"

Hunter snickered. "Hey you know what they say: the brothers that pinch each other's nipples stay together."

Shawn frowned. "Nobody says that."

"Maybe I do Shawn. Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever considered my feelings?"

"No, because I am a man."

At that moment, Candice and Maria arrived. "Oh, hi Matt," Maria said slowly.

Matt snorted. "Hi? That's all you can say to me? You left me for a girl that's all--" he paused to stand up and do Candice's Go Daddy dance "go Daddy, go spank me, fuck me silly Daddy…"

Candice looked confused. "Um…that's not how the commercial went."

Jeff shook his head. "Don't try to reason with him. He's too drunk."

Matt ran up to the stage and got the microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to dedicate this song to my ex-girlfriend Maria."

"Dear God, he's going to sing," Hunter said in amazement. "This can't get any worse."

**Superstar  
Where you from, how's it going?  
I know you  
Gotta clue, what you're doing  
You can play brand new to all the other chicks out here  
But I know what you are, what you are, baby**

Look at you  
Gettin' more than just a re-up  
Baby, you  
Got all the puppets with their strings up  
Fakin' like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em  
I know what you are, what you are, baby

Shawn's jaw dropped open. "Oh my God. He's not seriously doing this is he?"

Jeff nodded. "He's doing it. He's making a complete jackass out of himself."

"Matt, get down from there now!" Maria pleaded.

**Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer  
Oh womanizer, oh you're a womanizer, baby  
You-you-you are, You-you-you are  
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer (Womanizer)**

Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
You, you got me going  
You, you oh so charming  
But I can't do it, you womanizer

Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
You say I'm crazy  
I got your 'crazy'  
You're nothin' but a womanizer

Hunter began to bang his head on the table. "Just because I like this song when Britney does it doesn't mean I want Matt to sing it!"

Candice gave Hunter a funny look. "You like Britney Spears?"

"Don't judge me! I can't help it if I like pop music."

Jeff winced as Matt gyrated his way all over the stage. "I know I should go up there and stop him, but I find myself too fascinated with his dancing. He's dancing like he's a hip hop video girl or a stripper or something."

**Daddy-O  
You got the swagger of a champion  
Too bad for you  
You just can't find the right companion  
I guess when you have one too many, makes it hard  
It could be easy, who you are  
That's who you are, baby**

Lollipop  
Must mistake me for a sucker  
To think that I  
Would be a victim, not another  
Say it, play it how you wanna  
But no way I'm never gonna fall for you, never you, baby

"Does he even realize this song is about a guy?" Maria asked.

Shawn shrugged. "Honey, he's too drunk to realize this isn't even a break-up song. This song is about a girl who won't date a guy because she knows he's a womanizer."

Jeff bopped his head along to the song. "I liked it when Joel McHale made fun of it on The Soup. Energizer, energizer, circumciser, circumciser…"

**Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer  
Oh womanizer, oh you're a womanizer, baby  
You-you-you are, You-you-you are  
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer (Womanizer)**

Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
You, you got me going  
You, you oh so charming  
But I can't do it, you womanizer

Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
You say I'm crazy  
I got your 'crazy'  
You're nothin' but a womanizer

"Can somebody get him down from there?" the bar tender yelled. "He's scaring away the rest of the customers."

**Maybe if we both lived in a different world  
(womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer)  
It would be all good and maybe I could be ya girl  
But I can't 'cause we don't, you  
**

**Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer  
Oh womanizer, oh you're a womanizer, baby  
You-you-you are, You-you-you are  
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer (Womanizer)**

"I don't think there's any talking sense to him at this point," Hunter said. "I think we just have to let him finish."

"What do we do if he tries to sing another song?" Shawn asked.

"Then we kill him."

"What?" Jeff yelled.

"I'm kidding. We'll tackle him and beat him until he's unconscious."

"Oh, okay. That's a better plan."

**Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
You, you got me going  
You, you oh so charming  
But I can't do it, you womanizer**

Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
You say I'm crazy  
I got your 'crazy'  
You're nothin' but a womanizer

Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
Boy, don't try to front  
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are  
Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer  
Oh womanizer, oh you're a womanizer, baby 

Matt passed out as soon as he finished the song. Jeff looked at his brother for several seconds before turning to the others. "So who wants to follow that?"


	11. The Jeff Hardy Show, Part 2

**The Jeff Hardy Show, Part 2**

Jeff gathered Matt, Shawn and Hunter around a table while a camera was filming them. Despite getting a RKO from Randy Orton at the end of the last edition of the Jeff Hardy Show, Jeff convinced WWE dot com that he had something so important to announce that they agreed to put the show back on the air.

"Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, this is a very scary time for me," Jeff said. He looked completely serious. "I, Jeffery Nero Hardy, am pregnant with my first child."

"WHAT?" Shawn and Hunter yelled.

Matt groaned. "Jeff, you are not pregnant. You are a dude. There is no way you can even get pregnant."

Jeff gave his brother a dirty look. "Oh yeah? How do you know? There's this one dude who had a baby and now he's pregnant again! What do you got to say to that?"

"That pregnant dude used to be a woman. He's legally a dude now but he's still got the uterus and some of the other female parts."

Jeff frowned. "Really?" He looked at DX for confirmation.

Hunter nodded. "That man's P used to be a V."

Shawn shrugged. "I think Hunter's right. And I also think it's a good idea to get all your DX merchandise on WWE Shop dot com."

Matt shook his head. "You can never resist a cheap plug, can you?"

"Never. They make my life worth living."

Jeff sighed. "Okay, maybe I'm not pregnant. Well shit, this puts a damper on my show. What are we going to do now?"

"We could ask John Morrison if he's pregnant," Shawn suggested. "He kind of looks like a chick."

"Or we could do something I always find extremely fun," Matt said.

Hunter shook his head. "Matt, I know you've been lonely since Maria broke up with you, but a gay orgy is not going to be fun for all of us."

"It will be for you," Jeff muttered.

"What?"

"You heard me."

"I wasn't talking about a gay orgy you idiot!" Matt yelled. "I was talking about finding Orton and annoying the hell out of him."

Hunter's eyes widened. "Oh! Oh yeah, annoying Orton. That's a great idea."

So the four of them grabbed the camera and set off on their quest to find and annoy the Legend Killer. They ended up finding him in his locker room.

"Oh hell no!" Randy shouted. "Get out now!"

"Oh come on Randy," Jeff pouted. "We want you to be part of the Jeff Hardy Show."

"Yeah Randy, be a part of the show," Hunter said. He set the camera up in the middle of the room. "This show is very near and dear to our hearts and we want to share it with you."

"Screw this," Randy muttered. He tried to leave but Shawn and Matt shoved him back into his chair and they held him down so he couldn't leave. "What the hell are you doing?" he yelled. "Get off of me!"

"Calm down Randy," Matt said. "We just want to ask you a few questions."

"Yeah Randy," Jeff said. He held an imaginary microphone up to Randy's mouth. "Tell us Randy, what was the deal with those pictures that involved you and the shower? Did you know there was someone out there with a camera? Did you agree to have your picture taken at that moment? How did they come into Hunter's possession?"

"Do you like being the gay community's favorite wrestler?" Hunter asked.

"Yeah," Matt said. "How do you like being Hunter's favorite wrestler?"

"I'm not gay you idiot!"

Shawn frowned. "Are you sure? Because there was that one time you--"

"Finish that sentence and die Shawn!" Hunter warned his best friend.

Randy tried to get himself free. "Let me up you idiots! This isn't funny!"

Jeff nodded. "You're right. This isn't funny." He started tickling the back of Randy's neck, making the Legend Killer squeal and wiggle around in his seat. "THIS is funny."

"Holy crap, he's really ticklish," Matt said. He started tickling Randy's ribs.

"Stop it!" Randy yelled. "This is not funny! I'm going to kill you all, I swear to God!"

"You can't swear to God," Shawn said. "It's a sin."

"Is it really?" Hunter asked.

Shawn shrugged. "I don't know. I just thought I'd say it."

John Morrison and the Miz chose that moment to walk into the room. The Shaman of Sexy and the Chick Magnet stared blankly at the sight of two of the greatest tag teams in WWE history tickling a former WWE champion. "Um…are we interrupting something?" Miz finally asked.

"Nothing too terribly important," Hunter replied. "Hey Morrison, are you aware you have glitter on your abs?"

"I'm very aware of that fact," Morrison replied. "I'm the one that put it there."

"Glitter!" Jeff shouted happily. He let go of Randy and started rubbing his face against Morrison's stomach.

"What the hell are you doing?" Morrison yelled.

"Jeff get away from him!" Matt ordered. "That is just wrong in so many ways."

"Oh and tickling me is just fine and dandy?" Randy snapped.

"Is it me, or is this episode of the Jeff Hardy show even stranger than the last one?" Shawn asked.

Hunter nodded. "Oh it is. It definitely is."


	12. A DX and Hardy Boy Commercial

A Very Special DX and Hardy Boy Christmas Commercial

"Hello everybody," Hunter said, smiling at the camera. "You know, Shawn and I have been trying to get you all in the Christmas spirit by trying to get you to buy our merchandise on WWE Shop dot com. But we've realized that we may have been discriminating against some of the other fine products that are offered on this website."

Shawn nodded. "That's right. And to help us rectify this problem, we've recruited two very special friends of ours. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, the Hardy Boys."

Jeff and Matt came in, holding some of their merchandise. "You know what would totally make for an awesome Christmas present?" Jeff asked. He held up his t-shirt. "My totally awesome self portrait t-shirt. I designed it myself."

"Or, you could get my new "unlock your destiny" t-shirt," Matt said. He showed it off proudly. "Or, if you're into jewelry, here is the old school Hardy Boy logo necklace."

"Forget the jewelry," Jeff said. "Look at this Jeff Hardy teddy bear. This thing is awesome." He stuck his tongue out at Matt. "You don't get a teddy bear because you're not special enough."

Matt rolled his eyes and tossed the Hardy Boy necklace at Jeff. It hit him right in the middle of the forehead.

"OW!" Jeff whined. "Hunter, Matt hurt me!"

Hunter shook his head. "Now, if you're feeling political, you can get this new t-shirt." He held up a gray t-shirt with Miz and Morrison on it. "As you see, on the front there's John "the Shaman of Stupid" Morrison, and "the Chick Repellant" Miz." He turned it over to reveal what it said on the back. "As you can see, Miz and Morrison want you to "Protest Prop 8" so they can legally have a wedding so gay that Elton John will tell them to quit being a bunch of fa--"

Shawn put his hand over Hunter's mouth. "You can't say that on TV! That's offensive and politically incorrect."

Hunter broke away from Shawn's grip. "How is the word "fairies" offensive?"

"Oh that's what you were going to say? I thought---never mind. Let's move on."

Jeff held up the new Intercontinental title DVD. "In honor of CM Punk being the new number one contender for the Intercontinental title, buy this lovely DVD and see how I beat Hunter to win my first Intercontinental title reign."

Hunter glared at him. "Don't go there with me Hardy. I'll hurt you for it."

Matt bent down and picked up the Elimination Chamber play set. "Or you could get this--"

Shawn suddenly gave the play set a Sweet Chin Music, knocking it off the table. "No! It's evil! It must die!"

Hunter, Matt and Jeff stared at him for a moment. "Moving on," Hunter said loudly, shaking his head at Shawn. "We also want to take a minute to recognize the greatest DVD ever produced by the WWE." He held out his own King of Kings DVD.

"Now wait a minute!" Jeff objected. "That is so totally false. Our Twist of Fate DVD is so much better than that piece of crap."

Hunter got right in Jeff's face. "No it's not."

"It is too."

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

Hunter shoved Jeff. Jeff slapped Hunter. Soon an all out brawl broke out between the two of them.

"Shouldn't we stop them?" Shawn asked.

Matt shrugged. "You can if you want. But I personally think Hunter needs to learn that the Hardy Boys are the greatest tag team in WWE history and nothing can beat our DVD."

Shawn glared at him. "You know, it's funny that you say that. Personally, I think DX is the greatest tag team in WWE history."

"Well that's because you and Hunter have huge egos that need to have a reality check," Matt replied.

"Oh yeah?" Shawn said. "And who's going to check our egos?"

Matt responded by bitch slapping Shawn. Shawn tackled him and now all four of them were fighting. The show quickly went to commercial, because having the stars of this commercial fighting made for some serious technical difficulties.


	13. The Battle

**The Battle**

"Jeff, what the hell are you doing?" Matt asked. He watched his brother pour sand on the ground with a confused look on his face.

Jeff drew a line in the newly poured sand and then went to stand next to Matt. Shawn and Hunter were standing across from them. "Okay people, listen up. The battle line has been drawn. You two think you're the best and we think we're the best. I say we have a fight for tag team supremacy."

Shawn frowned. "You told us we were getting ice cream."

"The losers will have to pay for the ice cream."

Hunter nodded. "That sounds good to me. Now how do you win this battle?"

"Pinfall or submission. And to make sure everything stays fair, I've hired two special guest referees to officiate this thing."

CM Punk and John Cena came over to them. "You can't see me!" John shouted triumphantly.

Shawn frowned. "Actually, we can see you. You're not invisible."

"I'm not? Jeff, you told me you would give me the power of invisibility."

"I said I would do that after the battle," Jeff reminded him.

"And my Pepsi?" Punk asked.

"I said after the damn battle! What part of that didn't you idiots understand?" Jeff sighed and shook his head. "Okay people, let's do this thing!"

Hunter looked at their special referees. "Shouldn't we have a bell or some--" He was rudely interrupted by Jeff jumping over the line in the sand and tackling him to the ground. "OW! Damn it Jeff! You made me land on my keys!

"Why the hell are they in your pocket?" Jeff asked. He let Hunter get back up to his feet so The Game could take his keys out of his pocket.

"Where else am I supposed to keep them?"

"Well I was watching this thing on the History Channel about prison gangs and they talked about shoving things up their asses so they can get them into the prison…"

"EWWWW!" John yelled.

"I agree with Cena," Hunter said. "I'm telling Matt you're not allowed to watch the History Channel anymore."

Shawn and Matt were rolling around on the floor, fighting like a couple of teenaged girls. "Hey, watch the hair!" Shawn warned Matt.

Matt smirked. "What hair?"

"OH THAT'S IT!" Shawn yelled. He picked Matt up and tossed him through the window. "NOBODY MENTIONS THE HAIR AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!" He jumped out the window to go kick Matt's ass.

"Come on guys!" Punk complained as he went after them. "Can't you hurry up and finish this? I want my Pepsi!"

Jeff grabbed Hunter by the nose and dragged him out the front door. "The Game Triple H had a very large nose," he sang to the tune of "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer". "And if you ever saw it, you would even compare it to Pinocchio's."

Hunter punched Jeff in the back and rammed his head into the nearest stop sign. "So you think I have a big nose? Well then I'm going to tell everyone that you like _Mamma Mia!"_

Jeff gasped. "You swore you would never speak of that!" He tackled Hunter to the ground. "You must die!"

"Hey, wait a minute," John objected. "This isn't _Celebrity Deathmatch_."

Jeff didn't listen and he suplexed Hunter in the street. Then he hijacked a car and ran over Hunter as The Game was getting back up to his feet.

"What the fuck?" Hunter yelped. "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Damn it! He's not dead," Jeff complained. He tried to run over Hunter again but John stopped him.

"There will be no killing during this battle," John said. "Murder is almost as bad as the lie about Santa not being real."

Jeff frowned. "But Santa isn't real."

"SHUT UP! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT BLASPHAMY!"

Meanwhile, Shawn and Matt were fighting their way through a park. "Say you're sorry about making fun of my hair!" Shawn ordered.

"Make me!" Matt said. He grabbed Shawn and pushed him on to the merry-go-round. Then he started making the merry-go-round spin very, very fast. "I'm going to make you puke!"

"No wait!" Shawn protested. "I don't want to puke! Let me off, I don't like this thing!"

"Um guys?" Punk said slowly. "Aren't you supposed to be fighting?"

Matt shrugged. "I'm tired of doing that." He reached into his pocket and pulled out some money. "Here, go buy yourself some Pepsi for your troubles."

"I LOVE YOU!" Punk shouted gleefully. He took the money and ran away.

Matt continued to spin the merry-go-round until Shawn started to cry. Then he felt bad so he let Shawn off.

Shawn collapsed to the ground and puked everywhere. "I hate you," Shawn said between heaves.

Jeff showed up carrying Hunter after Shawn was done puking. "What the hell happened?" Matt asked.

"The Rainbow Haired Idiot ran me over with a fucking car!" Hunter yelled. "He was trying to kill me!"

"I told you that if you ever mentioned you know what then I would have to kill you," Jeff said.

"What, that you liked _Mamma Mia_?" Matt asked.

Jeff dropped Hunter and started to throttle Matt. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, I SWEAR TO GOD!"

Hunter moaned in pain. "Fucking hell Jeff! I'm going to beat you with my sledgehammer as soon as I recover from this!"

Shawn sighed. "You know, I wouldn't have showed up if I knew we weren't going to get to the ice cream."


	14. Inside the Mind of an Enigma

Inside the Mind of an Enigma

"Hey guys look what I found," Matt said as he entered the locker room. He was holding a red notebook. "I found Jeff's journal."

Hunter snorted. "His journal? It looks more like a diary to me."

"It's not a diary dude, it's a journal." Matt pointed to the cover of the notebook. "Look, it even says "Jeff's journal" right here."

"Well what the hell is the difference between a journal and a diary?"

"Journals are for men and diaries are for girls," Shawn said.

Matt frowned. "Is that true?"

Shawn shrugged. "I don't know and I don't care. Let's just read what Jeff wrote."

**January 1, 2009**

**It's the new year bitches! Wohoo! I celebrated all night with Matt, Shawn, Hunter, Shannon, Shane, Beth and Stephanie. Hunter was kind of a grouchy pants because I'm still WWE champion and he's not. All I've got to say about that is: HAHAHAHAHAHA! I rule and Hunter sucks! **

**Beth's been getting kind of mad at me because she thinks I'm paying more attention to the title than to her. I can't help it though. The title belt is all sparkly and it has a spinning thing in the middle. I told her that maybe if she got all sparkly and started spinning around, then I would pay more attention to her. That didn't go over so well and I'm probably sleeping on the couch tonight.**

**Oh and before I forget, I have to ask Shawn about the sexual tension between Randy and Hunter. It's so thick I could cut it with a knife. Actually, I did try to cut it with a knife and both Hunter and Randy ran away from me. Sometimes those two are really weird.**

"I do not suck!" Hunter whined. He pouted his lips. "And there is no sexual tension between me and Orton!"

Matt shook his head. "I don't know Hunter. You two have quite the chemistry together."

**January 2, 2009**

**I've learned today that some questions are better left unanswered. I asked Shawn about Hunter and Randy and it was quite disturbing. Apparently Stephanie was having erotic dreams about Hunter and Randy having sex and she told Hunter about them. And instead of being completely grossed out by this concept, Hunter and Randy actually did have sex for her! Then, to really top things off, she video taped it! She actually still has it, because that's how Shawn found out. She thought he would want to see it. The poor guy said he still has nightmares about it to this day.**

**Now I'm kind of nervous because I've seen Stephanie and Hunter eye me like I'm some sort of piece of meat. I better not get too drunk around them or I'm going to end up a victim of their sick love games. Hunter would totally do me in a heartbeat. I mean, who wouldn't? I am so totally fuckable. **

**Wait a minute! I've got a totally great idea! I've got to ask Beth if she would have hot lesbian sex with Stephanie. Now that would be freaking sweet.**

Hunter glared at Shawn. "Why would you tell him about the Randy thing? Do you secretly hate me or something?"

Shawn shuddered. "Don't even bring that up. It makes me throw up a little in my mouth."

Matt looked at Hunter carefully. "Would you really fuck my brother?"

"Let's just look at the next entry," Hunter said quickly, totally avoiding the question.

**January 3, 2009**

**Beth said she would not have sex with Stephanie unless I have sex with Hunter first. And I have to enjoy it. This really sucks. Now I must choose between two very important things: the well being of my ass, or the totally hot sight of my Beth going down on another hot chick.**

**January 4, 2009**

**I'm still considering my options on the Beth/Stephanie/me/Hunter sex thing. While I'm doing that, I've been working on my time machine. Time machines are awesome. I want to go back in time and stop **_**Batman and Robin**_** from being made. That was a totally awful movie and everybody involved with it should be shot for even participating in it. But I don't want to use a gun because they could take evidence from that. That's why I'm building my super secret death ray. It vaporizes people and turns them to pudding. I like pudding. Pudding is awesome. I should go eat some right now.**

**January 5, 2009**

**I only have one thing to say: biscuits and beaver nipples bitch! (Thank you Crazy Joe for that saying).**

**January 6, 2009**

**I talked to Randy about how sex with Hunter was like. At first he claimed he hated it, but I knew he was lying. So I kept bugging him until he admitted it was actually pretty good. Then I told him about what Beth would want if I wanted her to have sex with Stephanie. He said that the shame of being with Hunter would totally be worth seeing a Beth/Stephanie hook-up.**

**Speaking of girl on girl action, I saw Candice and Maria together today. We started talking and they totally admitted they thought it would be hot if they had a threesome with Matt. Then they admitted that it would also be hot if they had a threesome with me. And then we really got into a discussion about a foursome involving either us and Matt or us and Beth. I vote for us and Beth. I don't need involve my brother in my sex life. I doubt it'll be as hot as those fan fiction writers make it sound.**

**Beth just walked in and saw that I was sucking on a sucker. She asked me if I was practicing for Hunter. I told her to go practice for Stephanie and eat some tuna. I'm not sure if she took that as a yes or not.**

**Oh God, I think she did take that as a yes. She's calling Stephanie right now and they're giggling like idiots! It's not a good thing when girls giggle like idiots. Somebody help me! I've so totally screwed myself over here.**

Shawn closed the journal and hid it as Jeff came into the room. The Rainbow Haired Warrior looked apprehensive. "Uh…Hunter?" he said slowly. "Beth and Stephanie want to meet us at the hotel."

Hunter sighed. "The things I do for love," he muttered as he grabbed his bags and left.

Matt shook his head. "I've got a mental picture of what those two are about to do and it's very disturbing. I think I might go find Candice and Maria and have myself a threesome."

Shawn sighed to himself as Matt left. "I'm surrounded by perverts," he said. He reopened the journal and looked at one entry in particular. "What does "biscuits and beaver nipples bitch" mean?"


	15. Couples Therapy

Couples Therapy

Shawn stared at the two people sitting across from him. "We need to get this all sorted out," he informed them. "I know you guys went through something very strange, but you need to get past it. We need to get to the way things used to be."

Jeff shook his head. "There's no going back now Shawn. Last night changed everything. My ass will never be the same again."

Hunter rolled his eyes. "It's him that's being all weird," he informed Shawn. Randy did the same thing after that night. I like to call it the "morning after freak-out".

"Oh that's typical of you Hunter. It's everyone else that has the problem. Everyone else is crazy and you live in your perfect little Hunter world."

Shawn frowned. "But you are crazy Jeff."

"That is not the point!" Jeff yelled. "You're supposed to be our therapist. Support me on this or you're not getting your chocolate later."

Shawn sighed. "Hunter, open up to us so I can get my chocolate."

"I don't wanna. This is stupid. We don't need couples therapy."

"Oh, so last night didn't mean anything to you? Was I just a cheap fuck?"

Hunter looked totally bewildered. "You're the one that said last night didn't mean anything. You said we only did it for the privilege of seeing Beth and Stephanie together. Why are you suddenly acting like a crazy jackass about this whole thing?"

"I don't know! I haven't been this confused about my sexuality since I kissed Shannon when I was seventeen."

"Okay, I really can't do this," Shawn said in defeat. "You need to go to somebody who's either gay or bi, because I don't know what to say to either one of you." He sighed. "If only one of you was a girl. Then maybe I could help you."

Hunter and Jeff looked at each other. "I'm too big to be a girl," Hunter said quickly. "I would just look like an ugly transvestite."

Jeff sighed. "Alright, alright, I'll do it."

"Do what?" Shawn asked as they left the room. "What are you two doing?" He didn't get an answer. He slumped down in his chair. "Oh boy. I have a bad feeling I'm going to see something very strange."

Matt came into the room. He looked very happy with himself. "I am the king!" he announced. He sat down next to Shawn. "Where are Hunter and Jeff?"

"I don't know and I don't want to know," Shawn told him. "We've been playing Couples Therapy and it's just very weird."

Matt frowned. "Couples Therapy? Jeff and Hunter aren't a couple."

"Yeah, well, I'm not so sure about anything anymore. Beth and Stephanie were still looking cozy this morning. Either those four crazy kids are going to switch partners or there's a weird four way relationship brewing. I can't tell which one's going to happen."

Hunter came back in. "I think we solved your problem Shawn," he said as he dragged Jeff into the room. Jeff now had on a halter top, a black mini skirt, fishnet stockings and high heels. His purple hair had also been put into pigtails.

Matt's jaw dropped. "What in the hell did you do to my brother you jackass?"

Hunter put up his hands innocently. "We just thought Shawn would have an easier time helping us if Jeff looked like a girl."

"Actually now I'm just scarred for life," Shawn said slowly. "This has got to be the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life."

Jeff pouted. "I don't think I look scary. I think I look really sexy like this."

Edge chose that moment to walk in. He took one look and Jeff and groaned. "Why are you always in heels when I walk in? And why are you dressed like that?" He looked at Hunter, Matt and Shawn. "Why can't you people ever be normal?" he yelled. He didn't wait for an answer to any of those questions. He just stormed right back out of the door.

"He's just mad that he has to wake up next to Vickie every morning," Hunter said wisely.

Beth and Stephanie walked in. "Oh my God Jeff, you look so pretty!" Beth exclaimed.

Jeff bounced up and down happily. "I know I do. But I need make-up."

Shawn shook his head as Beth started digging through her purse for make-up. "I love how she doesn't even question why he's dressed like that. She just goes with it."

"After awhile, that's all you can do with Jeff," Matt pointed out. "There's no explaining that enigma." He licked his lips. "You want to go to Dairy Queen? A hot fudge sundae sounds really good right now."

Shawn nodded. "I deserve some ice cream. This couples therapy is hard work."


	16. Itchweeed

**Itchweeed!**

"Oh we're off the to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!" Shawn sang very loudly (and very off key).

"No we're not," Hunter said in exasperation. "We're going to Matt's house. I told you this like a dozen times already."

"Well maybe I would rather go see the Wizard."

"Well too bad because he's not even real."

When they pulled into Matt's driveway, they saw Jeff standing in the yard. Only he was looking a little stranger than usual. He was wearing some kind of black hat that his braided hair was sticking out of, he had green paint by his eyes, his white long sleeved shirt had several rips in it and he had on some kind of weird vest thing. He was also holding a weed eater.

"What in the hell are you doing Jeff?" Hunter asked as he and Shawn got out of the car. "

Jeff didn't answer him. He started the weed eater up and started weed eating Matt's yard. Matt came out about two seconds later and he didn't look very happy. "Itchweeed! Quit fucking with my yard! There's nothing wrong with it!"

Itchweeed (Jeff) turned off the weed eater. "Look at it dog! Look at it! All these weeds just showed up today. Now get out of the way before I hit ya with all this shit." He turned the weed eater back on and started making loud sound effects as he started to weed eat the yard.

Hunter walked over to Matt. "What is going on with Jeff? Why are you calling him Itchweeed?"

"Because he's Itchweeed right now," Matt explained like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "There's Jeff and then there's Itchweeed."

Hunter stared at Matt like he was absolutely insane. "What the fuck have you people been smoking?"

While those two were talking, Shawn walked over to Itchweeed. "I want to see the Wizard," he said.

Itchweeed looked at him. "I knew a wizard once. It was back in the B.C. era man. He had a big ass castle and I was like "what the fuck are you going to do with all these rooms motha fucka?" And it turned out he had all these damn warlocks living in those rooms. I don't remember much after that because I got knocked on the head really hard."

Shawn stared at Itchweeed for several minutes. "I'm not going to lie, I'm really concerned about your mental health right now."

"Have you considered taking him to a psychiatrist or something?" Hunter asked Matt. "There comes a time and place you have to draw the line with him."

Matt shrugged. "I don't mind Itchweeed. It keeps Jeff out of my way, which is a nice change."

"Why are you talking like they're two separate people? Jeff IS Itchweeed. I have shared a sexual encounter with this man. I'm not going to forget who he is any time soon."

"First of all, don't bring that encounter up," Matt said. "Second of all…can you just go with me on this? Quit questioning Jeff's decision to be Itchweeed. Everybody else goes with it so you need to do it too."

Itchweeed leaned over to Shawn. "You want to see something that'll blow your mind? I brought it to Matt's back yard when he wasn't home. He still hasn't seen it."

"Okay," Shawn said slowly. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know, but Itchweeed was strangely fascinating so he agreed.

Itchweeed and Shawn went into the backyard. There was a giant bulldozer sitting there. "Oh no," Shawn muttered. "Matt is not going to be happy about this."

"You see this motha fucka dog? Do you know what this machine and me have in common?" Itchweeed asked.

"Uh….it's going to cause Matt to have stomach ulcers?" Shawn guessed.

Itchweeed laughed. "Well I'll give him the perfect cure for that. A big ass blunt, you know what I'm saying? They don't call me Itchweeed for nothing." He climbed up into the bulldozer. "Come on now, get in here and crank this shit up! I want to drive this like a motha fucka boy!"

"Matt is going to kill me," Shawn said to himself as he got in next to Itchweeed. He started the bulldozer up and looked at Itchweeed. Itchweeed started driving the bulldozer all around, tearing the shit up out of Matt's yard.

The noise from the bulldozer caused Matt and Hunter to run back and see what was happening. "What the fuck are you doing to my yard?" Matt shouted. "Knock that off right now!"

"We can't hear you man!" Itchweeed shouted back. He shoveled up a large pile of dirt and drove the bulldozer out of the backyard. Just when Shawn was starting to ask what in the hell he was doing, Itchweeed dumped all the dirt from the bulldozer on to Hunter's car.

Hunter and Matt ran back towards the front and saw what had happened. "Oh come on!" Hunter yelled. "What did my car ever do to you?"

Itchweeed turned off the bulldozer. "I am the king!" he shouted. "I'm the king of something man!"

Shawn got out of the bulldozer and walked over to Matt and Hunter. "I just want you two to know that I had no control of what just happened. It was all Itchweeed."

Hunter sighed and shook his head. He couldn't tear his eyes away from his dirt covered car. "I don't know why I put up with all this. Why am I friends with you people?"

"I ask myself the same question all the time," Matt said. "And I still don't have an answer." The three of them turned around and went into the house, leaving Itchweeed alone to do whatever it was he wanted to do.


	17. Special Brownies

**Special Brownies**

"I want chocolate," Jeff announced. "Somebody go get me some chocolate."

Matt rolled his eyes. "Do we look like your slaves or something? Go get your own chocolate."

"But it tastes better when somebody else gets it for me!"

Hunter pointed to a pan that was sitting on the catering table. "I think we have the answers to your prayers Jeff." He picked up the pan and showed it to them. The pan was holding a nice batch of chocolate brownies.

"It's beautiful," Shawn said amazement. "Let's eat it!"

"Guys, I don't think that's a good idea," Rey Mysterio tried to warn them.

Hunter glared at him. "Shut up you little midget. I'll kill you."

"Hunter, he's not a midget," Jeff objected. "He's just a tiny man. There's a…well, not a big difference, but there's still a difference."

So Matt, Shawn, Hunter and Jeff ignored Rey as he continued to try to warn them away from the brownies and they took those brownies into Shawn's locker room. As they were eating them, they noticed something was a little off about their treats.

"These taste funny," Jeff complained. "Who the hell made these things?"

"I don't know," Matt said. He looked at the brownie he was eating closely. "Do you think they used the Splenda instead of real sugar?"

Hunter shook his head. He had just figured out was really going on with the brownies but he wasn't saying anything. "No Matthew, it's a different kind of ingredient entirely."

XXXXXX

"Where did my brownies go?" Brian Kendrick asked. He had come back to the catering area to find the brownies he had made himself gone.

"Uh…DX and the Hardys took them," Rey explained.

"What? You let those idiots take my special brownies?"

"Oh my God, you put marijuana in your brownies and just left them here, didn't you?" Rey yelled. "How could you do that? Do you have any idea what can happen with a bunch of high idiots running around?"

Brian frowned. "Uh…chaos?"

"Yes you stupid stoner! Chaos! We're doomed I tell you! Doomed!"

XXXXXXXXX

"You know, sometimes I wish I was a fish," Shawn announced. "I mean, I like the water a whole lot. And fish get to live in water. Yeah, they have a pretty awesome life."

Matt shoved a thing of cheese puffs into his mouth. "I love these things man. They're so soft and cheesy."

Jeff was looking down at his nails in horror. "My nails are dying!" he exclaimed. "They're dying dudes. Look at them Hunter! They're all black, like death and stuff."

Hunter looked at Jeff's nails. "Actually, that kind of looks like nail polish."

"What? My nails are dying and you think it's nail polish?" Jeff punched Hunter in the face. "Stupid bastard! Don't tell my nails aren't dying!" He picked at his nail and made some of the nail polish chip off. "Oh wait, it is nail polish. Never mind."

Shawn was puckering his lips like a fish. "You see, fish have the best life ever. They just swim around all day and that's what they do."

Matt just kept shoving more cheese puffs into his mouth. "Guys, I'm serious, you really need to try these things. They're awesome."

Jeff held out his hand. "Well let me try some dude."

Matt slapped Jeff's hand away. "Fuck you dude! I didn't say you could try my cheese puffs! Get your own!"

Hunter looked at Shawn. "You know Shawn, being a fish isn't all fun and games. Fish get caught by fisherman. They also get eaten by millions of people across the world."

Shawn gasped. "No! I must save the fishes! Viva la fishstance!" He got up and ran out of the room.

Hunter chuckled. "What a maroon." He looked at Matt and Jeff. "You know, this psychic once told me that in a past life, I was one of the king of the world. That's why I call myself the King of Kings."

"You are so full of shit Hunter," Matt replied. He giggled. "You're full of shit, and I'm full of cheese puffs!" He laughed insanely and shoved more cheese puffs into his mouth.

"Hunter, why are you full of shit?" Jeff asked. "Did you eat some shit or something?"

"No, I did not eat shit."

"Do you have to go to the bathroom?"

"No! Quit asking me questions. I feel like I'm being interrogated." Hunter's eyes widened. "Am I being interrogated? Are you an FBI agent? Are you trying to arrest me? You better be straight with me man!"

Stephanie came barging into the room. "What the hell are you guys doing?" she yelled. "Shawn just got arrested for breaking into the zoo and freeing the fish from the aquarium."

Jeff's jaw dropped open. "Wow, how did he get there so fast? Did he fly?"

"No you idiot! The arena is right across the street from the zoo. Now what do you have to say for yourself?"

Jeff and Hunter looked at each other. "Viva la fishtance!" they yelled.

Stephanie just shook her head. "I'm not going to pretend to know what that means." She looked at Matt. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Matt just grinned at her. "Cheese puffs rule," he said. "Cheese puffs are the shit."


	18. Matt vs the Giant Chicken

**Matt vs. the Giant Chicken**

"Jeff be careful up there!" Matt ordered. He was watching Jeff walk around on a tree branch while trying to eat an ice cream cone. "Come on, get down from there! You're going to fall!"

"Am not!" Jeff denied. He took another step, lost his balance and then fell out of the tree (but somehow, his ice cream cone stayed together) "OW! Matty, I hurt myself!"

Matt rolled his eyes. He was going to help Jeff up when a giant chicken came out of nowhere and stole Jeff's ice cream cone. "HEY!" Jeff screamed. "GIVE THAT BACK! MATT GET IT FOR ME!"

"Jeff, I'll just get you another one."

"NO! I WANT MY ICE CREAM CONE!"

"Okay, okay!" Matt said quickly. "Just quit screaming at me." He chased the giant chicken into a field and tackled it from behind. "Give me that thing you feathery fucker," he snarled. He turned to chicken over and was shocked to see the ice cream cone was gone. "What in the hell did you do with it?"

"Bawk!" the chicken replied. It pecked Matt right in the nose. "Bawk!"

"Oh you fucker!" Matt yelled. He went to punch the chicken in the face, but it kicked him off. He scrambled up to his feet only to have the chicken tackle him down a hill that hadn't been there a second ago. They kept rolling and rolling until they hit some rocks down at the bottom of the hill.

"Matt! Hey Matt!" Shawn said eagerly. He handed Matt a bag of popcorn. "Hit him with this!"

"What good is this going to do?" Matt asked. Despite wondering that, he still smacked the chicken in the head with it. The chicken made a loud noise as popcorn kernels flew everywhere, and it slipped and fell on the kernels. Matt gave it a leg drop and was going to try to force it to tell him where Jeff's ice cream cone went when Big Dick Johnson arrived. Johnson stripped his clothes off and started dancing around. Matt screamed in horror and punched Johnson in the face. "Put your clothes on!" he shouted. "Nobody wants to see that!"

The chicken got up and hit Matt from behind with a pillow. Matt went down like it was filled lead or something, and the chicken just kept beating him with it over and over again. Matt finally managed to punch the chicken in the stomach and take the pillow from it. He started hitting the chicken just like it hit him, but then a large amount of water was dumped on his face and it felt like he was drowning…

XXXXXXXXXX

"Come on, wake up you jackass!" Hunter snapped. He slapped Matt a couple of times in the face. The older Hardy had gone beserk in his sleep and Hunter had decided to pour a bucket of water on him to wake him up. "Rise and shine Matt!"

Matt coughed and sputtered as he opened his eyes. He looked extremely confused. "What's going on?" he asked. "Where's the giant chicken? Where did it go?"

Jeff frowned. He was curled up in a ball on the floor because Matt had been hitting him with the pillow. "What giant chicken?"

"The giant chicken that stole your ice cream!" Matt said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Dude, you fell out of a tree and a giant chicken came and stole your ice cream cone and I had to go get it back because you wouldn't stop screaming. Only the cone disappeared and we started rolling down a hill--"

"Those were stairs," Hunter said.

"And then Shawn handed me a bag of popcorn to hit the chicken with--"

"Actually you just stole my damn popcorn and dumped it on Hunter's head," Shawn said sadly. He was obviously mourning the loss of his popcorn.

"Then Big Dick Johnson came and started stripping--"

"That was Shawn," Hunter said. "He was just trying to help me and you punched him and yelled at him to put his clothes on."

"And then the chicken hit me with a pillow and that really hurt!"

"That was me!" Jeff whined. "And you took the pillow away and started beating me with it! And I got really scared and now I'm mad at you!"

Matt sighed. "I'm sorry Jeff. Do you want me to get you some ice cream?"

"Yeah!" Jeff said happily.

Hunter sighed as the two brothers walked away. "That's it," he announced to Shawn. "We're not having another _Family Guy_ marathon with Matt. It makes him do strange things."


	19. Secret Agent Man

Secret Agent Man

"I'm a secret agent man. A secret agent man," Shawn sang, taking time to put a little pause each time after he said secret. He was wearing his very best suit and he was rolling around on the floor like he was James Bond or something. "I'm a secret agent man. A secret agent man that has to some important stuff." He peeked around the corner and saw Mickie James sitting and reading a book. "Oh no," he whispered to himself. "That book as brainwashed Mickie!" He ran up to her, snatched the book and tossed it away.

"Shawn, what the hell?" Mickie complained. "I was reading that!"

"No time to explain!" Shawn said. He grabbed Mickie by the hand and started dragging her away. "We need to get out of here before it comes back!" He dragged her out of the arena and into the parking lot.

"Why are you doing this?" Mickie asked. "Have you gone completely insane?"

"I'm a secret agent man," he explained like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Oh God, you really have gone insane."

Jeff drove up right in front of them. "Get in you guys! We have to hurry! There are evil Russians after us!"

Shawn pushed an unwilling Mickie into the car and Jeff tore out of the parking lot. "Why are the evil Russians after us?" Shawn asked.

Jeff shrugged. "I don't know." He grinned. "Hey, you know what we need?" he asked as he leaned over to turn on the radio.

"Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!" Mickie screeched as Jeff barely missed hitting a whole bunch of cars.

Jeff pouted and reluctantly looked back at the road. "You're no fun. Shawn, why did you bring her?"

"I had to save her from the evil book," Shawn explained.

"The book was not evil!" Mickie protested.

"That's what it wanted you to think."

A car behind them suddenly started trying to run them off the road. "OH MY GOD IT'S THE RUSSIANS!" Jeff screamed.

"Go faster Jeff!" Shawn ordered. "We have to outrun them!"

"No, don't go faster Jeff!" Mickie screeched. "You'll kill us if you do!"

Jeff didn't listen to her and started going faster. They were going so fast that all the cars around them were just blurs as they passed. Shawn suddenly wished that Jeff wasn't driving. He did not want to die like this. He was a secret agent man damn it! He could not die because Jeff was a terrible driver. "Pull over Jeff," he ordered. "I want to drive now."

"Screw you man," Jeff snapped. "This is my car. You're not driving my car."

"Jeff please!" Mickie begged. "I don't want to die like this."

"You're not going to die silly. Itchweeed won't allow that."

"No, you cannot drag Itchweeed into this," Shawn said. "Things are scary enough as it is."

"Oh, so now you don't like Itchweeed? Is that what you're saying?"

"No, I'm just saying I trust Itchweeed's driving even less than yours."

"Well fuck you motha fucka! I can drive like a motha fucka boy!"

"Jeff!" Mickie screamed.

"It's Itchweeed bitch!"

"Itchweeed, watch out for Kozlov!" Shawn yelled.

Itchweeed slammed on the brakes and came within millimeters of hitting Vladimir Kozlov. Kozlov didn't move an inch though. It was like nothing could faze him. "Oh shit dude," Itchweeed said. "Now that's some freaky shit."

Kozlov walked around to the driver's side door and tapped on the window until Itchweeed rolled it down. "I demand better competition," he said. He held up a weed eater. "Come Itchweeed. We will have weed eating competition."

"Well shit boy, why didn't you just say so?" Itchweeed said. He got out of the car and walked off with Kozlov.

Shawn took several deep breaths. "Okay, I don't want to be a secret agent man anymore. This job is too scary for me."

"Good," Mickie said. "Now take me back to the arena before I kick your ass for doing this to me. Oh, and if you see me with a book again, just let it kill me. You got that?"

"Okay. I'll let the evil books kill you from now on."


	20. Road Trip Hell, Part One

**Road Trip Hell, Part One**

Hunter finished putting the bags in the car. "Okay, I think that's everything. You got the map Matt?"

Matt nodded and held it up. "Yup. Jeff, Shawn, did you guys go to the bathroom and get your snacks?"

Jeff nodded. "I'm all set."

Shawn raised his hand. "Are we there yet?"

"We didn't even leave yet stupid," Jeff told him.

"I'm not stupid!"

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Lovely. They're fighting already. This is going to be fun."

They all got in the car and took off. They had been driving for about ten minutes when Hunter asked a very important question. "So where in the hell are we going anyway?"

Matt looked at him in surprise. "Wait, you don't know where we're going? You're the one that's driving."

"That doesn't mean I know where I'm going! I just got told we're going on a road trip and that we had to use my car. I thought you guys were going to tell me where we were going once I started driving."

"But nobody told ME where we're going!" Matt whined. He looked back at Jeff and Shawn. "Did anybody tell you guys where we were going?"

Jeff shook his head. "Nobody tells me anything."

Shawn shrugged. "I remember us saying we should go on a road trip. But nobody said where we should go."

"So wait a second," Hunter said. "I agreed to go on a road trip that nobody knows the destination of?"

"Maybe God will tell us," Shawn said.

"And maybe flying monkeys will come flying out of my ass," Jeff said sarcastically. "I think we should go to Disney World."

Matt groaned. "We're not going to Disney World Jeff."

"Disney World! Disney World! Disney World!"

Hunter shook his head. "You can chant that as much as you want. I'm not driving us to Disney World.

_15 minutes later_

"Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! Disney World!

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT ALREADY!" Hunter screamed at the top of his lungs. "I WILL FUCKING TAKE YOU TO FUCKING DISNEY WORLD IF YOU FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Jeff smiled. "Yay, I win!" Hunter's yelling hadn't fazed him at all.

Matt just shook his head. "I think you broke my eardrum."

"Don't start with me Matthew," Hunter growled. "Now how do I get us to Disney World?"

"You have to go south."

"I know that dumbass! I meant what fucking road do I need to be on."

"Oh." Matt looked at the map and pointed to one of the little lines on the map. "There. You have to take that road."

"Are we there yet?" Shawn asked.

"NO WE ARE NOT FUCKING THERE YET!"

"Hunter, quit yelling!" Matt pleaded. "Shawn, Jeff, eat your snacks and draw a picture."

"Okey dokey then," Shawn said cheerfully.

Hunter gripped the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles were white. Jeff's begging had really left him teetering over the edge. "I think I might have to choke a bitch," he muttered to himself.

Matt frowned. "We don't have a bitch here."

"We could dress Jeff up as a girl again and I could choke him."

"We're not making him into a cross dresser just so you can choke him."

Shawn giggled to himself. "Hey Jeff, look what I'm drawing. I'm drawing God striking you down."

"Oh yeah?" Jeff said. "Well I'm drawing a giant bunny that's eating you alive."

"EEEK! Hunter, Jeff wants me to get eaten by a bunny."

Hunter groaned. "I should have just stayed home with Stephanie. This really sucks right now."

"Hey guys, do you want to hear a song?" Jeff asked.

Matt whirled around to face his brother. "No, don't you sing what I think you're about to sing. You're going to get that song stuck in my head."

Jeff ignored him of course. "There once were two cowboys all alone on the open trail And they discovered they could sleep with another male. So now they're having butt sex. Cowboy sex."

Shawn scooted away from Jeff. "That's it. Somebody needs to trade me spots right now."

"SodoMAYHEE!" He was saying "sodomy" but he was saying it all weird.

"What the fuck have you been letting him listen to?" Hunter asked Matt.

"SodoMAYHEE!"

"It's from _Family Guy_. I can't get him to knock it off," Matt replied.

"SodoMAYHEE!" Jeff grinned and paused. "Sodomy."

"Okay, either you're going to stop watching _Family Guy_ or I'm going to duct tape your mouth shut," Hunter said. "Take your fucking pick."

"My foot hurts," Shawn announced. He took his shoe off and held his foot up. "Somebody rub my foot."

"Put that down you disgusting bastard!" Jeff exclaimed. "That thing smells!"

"It does not!" Shawn objected. "And you're the one who's disgusting! You were singing about sodomy."

"Sodomy happens Shawn. Get over it."

"Okay, that is officially one of the weirdest statements I have ever heard in my life," Hunter declared. "And I have heard you say some strange ass things Jeff."

"Don't talk about my ass you pervert. You're not getting any now."

"I didn't say I wanted your ass! Jesus, you're the one that's perverted!"

"Oh yeah? Then why did you ask me the other night if we could--"

"La la la la! I don't want to hear this!" Shawn said loudly. "Somebody change the topic right now!"

"Hunter look who's standing on the side of the road there," Matt said. "It's Rob Van Dam and Sabu."

"Ooooh, let's pick them up!" Jeff said. "They can be our hitch hikers!"

Hunter sighed and stopped the car. "I cannot believe I'm letting Cheech and Chong into my damn car."

"Hey dudes," Rob said. "Where are you guys heading?"

"Disney World," Shawn replied. "Where are you going?"

"Man, we have no idea," Rob said. "Isn't that right Sabu?"

Sabu only nodded.

"Oh hey, before I forget, I have a treat in my bag here," Rob said. He opened his bag and rummaged through it. "How would you guys feel about having some special brownies?"

**XXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Uh oh. The brownies are back! How will they affect the boys' trip to Disney World? Find out in part two! **


	21. Road Trip Hell, Part 2

**Road Trip Hell Part Two (Or Why You Should Never Eat Special Brownies When Going to Disney World)**

"Dudes, look at all the cars!" Matt said in amazement. "Look at how shiny they are!"

"Hey Matt, you were right!" Shawn said happily. "Cheese puffs really are good."

"What? You've been eating cheese puffs without me?" Matt unbuckled his seat belt and jumped into the backseat so he could get the cheese puffs.

Jeff put his face directly in front of Sabu's. "How come you never smile? Are you always cranky or something?"

Sabu just stared at him. "Get away from me."

Jeff put his finger on Sabu's nose. "BEEP!"

"Hey, where am I going anyway?" Hunter asked.

"You said Disney World," Rob reminded him.

"Oh yeah. Where's that at again?"

"I think it's that big amusement park over there."

"Oh." Hunter parked the car in the first parking spot he could find. "Okay, let's get out of this thing."

"You can't park here dude," Matt said. He had successfully gotten the cheese puffs from Shawn and was now munching on them. "The cheese puffs said this was a handicapped spot."

"Well you idiots are mentally handicapped so that should be handicapped enough."

So the six of them got out of the car and went into the park. "OH LOOK GUYS!" Jeff shouted. "THERE'S SNACKS OVER THERE!" He ran away to go buy some cotton candy, some ice cream, a giant pretzel and some chips.

Shawn looked around. "You know, this place is really big. It would be very easy for one of us to get kidnapped here."

"Yeah dude, you're right," Rob said. "People get kidnapped from places like this all the time."

"Oh no!" Matt exclaimed. "We've got to do something! I'm out of cheese puffs!"

"Dude, we should probably keep an eye on Jeff," Hunter suggested. "He's probably the one of us people want to kidnap the most."

"Fuck Jeff! I want more cheese puffs!"

"Oh that's nice Matt," Shawn said sarcastically. "Something scary could come and take Jeff away, but all you care about is your stupid cheese puffs?"

"MY CHEESE PUFFS ARE NOT STUPID! YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW OLD MAN!"

Jeff came back over to them. "Look at all my stuff!" he said eagerly. "I've got a whole bunch of tr--" His eyes widened as he saw something in the distance. "EEEEKKK!" he screeched. He dropped all of his snacks and jumped into Hunter's arms. "There's a giant mouse over there!"

Hunter looked and saw Mickey Mouse walking around. "Holy crap! That's the biggest thing I've ever seen in my life!"

"Kill it!" Jeff begged. "Kill it Hunter!"

"I'm not killing it! It'll kill me!"

Shawn tapped Matt on the shoulder. "You know, if you go kill that giant mouse over there, cheese puffs will come out of his head."

"CHEESE PUFFS!" Matt screamed. "I WANT MY CHEESE PUFFS!"

Sabu groaned. "Why would you tell him that? Now he's really going over there to kill Mickey."

Rob shook his head. "He's not going to kill Mickey. He's--okay, he just tackled Mickey to the ground. And now he punching him in the face and banging his head all around. Oh my God, he really is trying to kill Mickey! Holy shit dude!"

"GIVE ME MY CHEESE PUFFS YOU BASTARD!" Matt screamed. "I MUST CONSUME CHEESE PUFFS!"

It took four security guards, Goofy, Daffy Duck and Minnie Mouse to pull Matt off of Mickey. They immediately started carrying him towards the exit of the park.

"Bye bye Matt!" Jeff shouted. He wiggled himself free from Hunter's arms and waved goodbye to his brother. "We'll see you when we're done!"

"We're not going with him?" Shawn asked. "What if those mean people kidnap him?"

"Who cares about him? He didn't care if I got kidnapped." He grabbed Hunter's hand and started pulling him along. "Come on! I want to go fly off a roller coaster!"

Sabu looked at Rob. "If you ever feed them brownies again, I'm going to stop being your friend. You got that?"

Rob just shrugged. "You just need to chill dude. Everything is going to be fine."

"OH LOOK AT THE DOG! LOOK AT THE GIANT DOG!" Jeff let go of Hunter and took off running.

"You are not bringing Pluto into my car Jeff!" Hunter yelled after the youngest Hardy. "That thing will piss all over the place! Jeff? You listening to me? Ah, here we go again!"


	22. Costume Party

Costume Party

"I love parties!" Shawn exclaimed. He was wearing his best suit again. "Especially costume parties. You want to know why?"

Matt, who was wearing a bathrobe, shrugged. "I don't actually care."

"Because I get to be a secret agent man!" Shawn said eagerly, ignoring the fact that Matt told him he didn't care. "I'm a secret agent man! A secret agent man!" He frowned. "What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a young Hugh Hefner," Matt replied. "Now where are the others? We've got to get going before all the booze is gone."

Maria, Candice (who were dressed as sexy bunnies), Stephanie (who was a witch), and Hunter (who was a cow) came out to the car. "We ready to go yet?" Stephanie asked.

"Not quite," Matt said. "We're still waiting for Jeff and Beth."

"Why are you dressed as a cow?" Shawn asked Hunter.

"Why wouldn't I be dressed as a cow?" Hunter replied. "Cows are awesome."

Jeff and Beth finally arrived. Beth was dressed as a pimp and Jeff looked like a hooker (and a girl hooker on top of that). "Shouldn't the costumes be reversed?" Shawn asked. "This is more of Jeff than I ever want to see."

"I like it," Jeff said. He adjusted his costume, which consisted of a halter top, a short leather skirt, fishnet stockings and six inch heels. He also had on way too much make-up. "I think I look sexy."

"And I like being a pimp," Beth said. "That means I can pimp slap people all night." She slapped Hunter just to prove her point.

"OW!" Hunter yelled. "Damn it Beth!"

Matt shook his head and drove them to the party. It was being held at Vince's house. When they got there, they found Miz and Morrison (dressed as Pinky and the Brain respectively) being chased by Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes (dressed as an M&M and a giant hamburger). "That's just screwed up," Jeff said.

"You think that's screwed up? Have you looked in a mirror lately?" Hunter asked.

"You're the one who dressed me like a girl in the first place. Remember the couples therapy session we tried?"

"Don't bring that up," Shawn begged. "I've been trying to forget that."

Vince, who was dressed like a sailor, whistled at Jeff. "Well hello there beautiful. What's your name?"

"Jeff."

"Je--HARDY! WHAT THE HELL?"

"What? You were liking what you were seeing."

Stephanie looked disgusted. "Oh my God! My dad was checking Jeff out!"

"I think I just threw up a little in my mouth," Hunter said quietly.

Jeff put his hands on his hips. "Hey, I look hot as a hooker. You people can't even lie. I can totally see Vince's boner."

"Oh God!" Matt groaned.

Beth held her hand out towards Vince. "Hey, if you want time with my ho, you better pay me first. Show me that money."

Vince turned a deep shade of red and ran away. "Bye Vince!" Jeff said cheerfully, blowing the boss a kiss. He turned back to the others. "This is fun!"

Candice and Maria put their arms around Matt. "I bet this place has a lot of empty rooms in it," Candice said seductively. "We could go upstairs and have a little fun in them."

"Yeah, we could totally have sex in them," Maria said, stating the obvious.

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "We already knew that's what you two wanted, you dumbass."

Maria stuck her tongue out at Stephanie as she and Candice dragged Matt away. "Well that's just great," Hunter said. "Now we can't get Matt drunk and make him do stupid things. What are we supposed to do for entertainment now?"

"I could get naked," Jeff suggested.

"No!" everyone else yelled.

Jeff pouted his lips. "Why not? I look good naked."

"Yeah, but you're not getting naked here," Hunter said. "You can do that later."

Shawn frowned. "Did you just agree that Jeff looked good naked?"

Hunter's eyes widened. "Uh…no."

Jeff grinned. "You so did."

Beth tapped Jeff on the shoulder and pointed at Hunter. "Ho, go get that cow. I want you to get him and ride him hard."

"No, don't tell him that!" Hunter said. "He'll actually try to do it!" He screamed and ran away as Jeff began to chase him.

Stephanie shook her head. "Now look what you've started. We'll never tear them away from each other."

Beth grinned. "Good. That'll give us some time to ourselves."

"Oh that is just not fair!" Shawn complained as the two girls began to make out. "Why am I always the one that gets left out of the nookie fests? Ugh! That's it, Rebecca is going to start traveling with me. I need lovin' too."


	23. Skittles

Skittles

"Look at it," Jeff said in appreciation. He and Shawn were staring at the last bag of Skittles that was sitting on the bed. "Isn't it beautiful?"

Shawn nodded in agreement. "Oh yeah." He reached forward to grab it.

"Hold on a second!" Jeff yelled. He grabbed Shawn's wrist and pulled him away. "Who said you got to eat it? I'm the Skittles eater here!"

"But you always get the Skittles!" Shawn whined. "Why can't I have the last bag for once?"

"Because your grandpa teeth aren't strong enough to chew them."

Shawn growled in frustration and tackled Jeff to the ground. The two of them wrestled around on the floor, not noticing Hunter and Matt as they came in.

"Oh look! Skittles!" Matt said happily. He opened the bag and poured half the bag into his hands and then gave the rest to Hunter.

Jeff and Shawn froze. "What do you two think you're doing?" Shawn asked dangerously.

Hunter shrugged. "Eating candy. Why?"

"You're eating my Skittles?" Jeff snarled. He looked ready to kill Hunter and Matt.

Matt gulped. "Uh Hunter?"

"Yeah?"

"RUN!"

Matt and Hunter ran out of the room with Jeff and Shawn quickly chasing after them. "BASTARDS!" Jeff screamed. "HOW DARE YOU EAT MY CANDY!"

"You ate three bags already today!" Matt tried to point out. He started grabbing anything he could to block Jeff's path. "You didn't need to eat anymore!"

"And why are you mad at me Shawn?" Hunter yelled. "Jeff wasn't going to let you have that candy anyway!"

"I was going to beat him up for it!" Shawn snapped. "And now I have to kill you for eating it!"

Matt and Hunter ran down the stairs, barely avoiding running right into Undertaker. Jeff and Shawn didn't even try to avoid contact. They actually ran full on into the Deadman and managed to knock him down on his ass.

"Hardy! Michaels!" Undertaker growled. "What the fuck are you boys doing?"

"Uh oh, we might be in trouble," Shawn said.

"Aw screw him!" Jeff snapped. "We don't have time for his bullshit. We've got two Skittle stealers to catch."

Matt and Hunter grabbed Kane and tried to use him as a human shield. "Let's see you get past the Big Red Machine," Hunter taunted.

Shawn gave Kane a Sweet Chin Music, leaving nobody for Hunter and Matt to hide behind. "Oh shit," Matt said under his breath. "This isn't good."

Jeff tackled Matt while Shawn took down Hunter. "How could you eat my Skittles?" Jeff yelled as he tried to choke Matt. "You know how much they mean to me!"

"They were going to be my Skittles!" Shawn said as he yanked on Hunter's hair.

"Shut up Grandpa!" Jeff yelled. He kicked Shawn on the arm. "Nobody asked for your opinion!"

"Okay okay! I'm sorry!" Matt apologized. "I won't do it again! Now please stop punching me!"

Jeff stopped punching but he refused to get off his older brother. "Will you buy me more Skittles?"

"Only if you get off of me."

"Yay! I love you again!" Jeff said happily. He helped Matt up to his feet. "Will you buy me two bags of Skittles?"

"Don't push it Jeffro."

Shawn stared down at Hunter. "Will you buy me Skittles?" he asked.

"I'm not buying you anything!" Hunter told him. "I'm not your mother."

Undertaker came over and grabbed Shawn and Jeff by the scruffs of the neck. "Did you boys seriously knock me over just because Big Nose and Jimmy Legs ate your Skittles?"

"Big Nose?" Hunter said, sounding very insulted. "Did you really have to go there Deadman?"

Jeff and Shawn stared up at Undertaker fearfully. "Well if someone ate your Skittles, wouldn't you be upset?" Shawn asked.

Undertaker shook his head. "I'm an M&Ms man myself."

Jeff gasped. "Blasphemy!" He slapped Undertaker across the face. "Shawn, get your Bible and read Psalm 41 until I tell you to stop!" He grabbed a water bottle from a random hotel guest and started shaking the water on to Undertaker's face. "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!"

Undertaker slapped the water bottle out of Jeff's hands. Now he looked really pissed. "Uh oh," Jeff said. He quickly took of running.

"Run Jeff run!" Matt yelled as Undertaker took off after the Rainbow Haired Warrior. "Run Jeff run!"

"You know, if Taker catches him, you probably won't have to buy him the candy," Hunter pointed out.

"Oh, good point. Go Taker go! Go Taker go!"


	24. A Disastrous Dinner

A Disastrous Dinner

Hunter put his arm around Stephanie. "This is really, really nice," he said in appreciation. "I can't remember the last time you and I got to spend any time alone together."

She nodded. "I know. And the restaurant Mom recommended to supposed to be all fancy and romantic."

"I figured it had to be since we're taking the limo." He frowned. "Why haven't we left yet?"

The limo door opened and Jeff, Beth, Matt, Shawn and Rebecca let themselves in. They were all dressed up but the effect was kind of ruined because they all had Jeff's freaky face paint on.

"No!" Hunter groaned. "Why are you guys here?"

Shawn frowned. "We're going to dinner, remember? You were talking about it earlier."

"I was talking about me and Stephanie going to dinner by ourselves! I didn't invite all of you!"

"Well that's just rude," Matt scolded. "We went to all this trouble to make ourselves look nice and now you act like you don't want us to come."

"That's because we don't want you here," Stephanie said. "And why are you wearing that face paint?"

"Well, we could tell you, but then we would have to kill you," Jeff informed her.

Hunter and Stephanie chuckled.

Beth glared at them. "You know, you think he's joking, but he's really not. We will have to kill you if we tell you."

That shut Hunter and Stephanie up.

When they arrived at the restaurant, the poor people who worked there looked scared to death of Jeff and the others. Hunter was shocked they were even given a place to sit. "Okay look guys, if you're going to be here tonight, please, PLEASE behave," he pleaded. "This is a really high class restaurant and you don't need to be pulling your shenanigans."

"Shawn wants crabs!" Jeff announced loudly. He beat his fist against the table. "Let's get a dirty slut over here so he can get the crabs!"

Rebecca smacked him on the back of the head. "He wants crab cakes you idiot. They're a kind of food. I've explained this to you a hundred times today."

"Shawn wants crabs! Shawn wants crabs!"

Matt shook his head. "You might as well give up Rebecca. He's not listening to anything but the voices in his head."

"I hear voices in my head, they talk to me, they understand, they talk to me," Shawn sang loudly.

Beth threw her fork at the Heartbreak Kid. "I know you think you can sing, but you really can't. So please, for the love of God, stop trying."

Stephanie rubbed her temples slowly. "God, this is already turning into a disaster. This can't get any worse."

Jeff tapped Matt on the shoulder. "Hey Matt, do you know what the hand said to the face."

"No, what?"

"SLAP!" Jeff proceeded to slap Matt right across the face.

Matt glared at his brother. "Oh you are so dead!"

Hunter shook his head as Matt started chasing Jeff all around the restaurant. "Why did you say this couldn't get worse?" he asked Stephanie. "Were you trying to jinx us or something?"

"I don't see why you said I can't sing," Shawn said to Beth. Them and Rebecca were ignoring the others. "I can sing perfectly fine." He looked at his wife. "Can't I honey?"

Rebecca looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "Uh…I plead the fifth on this one."

"What do you mean you plead the fifth? Why are you pleading the fifth?"

"Because she doesn't have the balls to tell you that your singing sucks," Beth said.

"So does that mean you have balls?" Shawn asked.

"Not literal balls Shawn."

Shawn wasn't listening to her though. "Hey everybody! Beth Britt has balls!"

Jeff stopped right in his tracks. "What? When did you get balls Beth?"

Matt tackled Jeff from behind. "I got you, you little bastard! Come here you fucker!"

Hunter smacked his forehead as Matt power bombed through a random table. It was safe to say the two people eating at that table were not pleased by having their food covered with Jeff's body. "Okay, this is getting ridiculous! All I wanted to do was have one quiet and romantic dinner. Was that too much to ask for?"

"Apparently yes it was," Stephanie replied. "Honey, I hate to break this to you, but I think you need to find yourself some normal friends."

"I know I do honey. I really, really do."


	25. Matt Hates His Life

Matt Hates His Life

"What's going on here?" Shawn asked. "Is something exciting going on? Why does Matt have a guitar?"

Hunter shrugged. "I don't know. Do you know Jeff?"

Jeff just shrugged. "I just know that Matt said he was going to do a little performance and everyone's here to watch him. I hope this puts him in a good mood though. He's been really crabby lately.

Matt sat down on a stool with his guitar and tapped on the microphone a couple of times to make sure it was on. "Okay, I like the Theory of a Deadman song _Hate my Life_, so I changed some of the lyrics around to make it fit me better. So shut up and enjoy it or I'm busting some chairs over your guys' heads."

Shawn shrugged. "At least it's not another Britney Spears song."

_So sick of the agents talking about the old days_

_I don't like how I do all the work and _

_They sit around and get paid._

"Uh oh, I think he's going to start pissing some people off," Hunter said. "This is going to get interesting.

_I hate all the people who can't drive their cars._

_Randy you better get out of the way_

_Before I start falling apart._

Jeff sniggered at the offended look on Randy's face. "It's true, our Legend Killer really can't drive worth a shit."

_I hate how my brother is always up my ass_

_He always wants to buy new things_

_But I don't have the cash_

"Hey!" Jeff yelled. "Fuck you Matt!"

Hunter laughed. "You know, until he added that buying new things part, I thought he was talking about some good old fashion incest."

Shawn glared at him. "You're disgusting."

"Oh come on, you're telling me you never thought about our favorite brothers doing it?"

"No!"

_I hate my job, my retarded friends_

_I'll hate Adam Copeland till the bitter end_

_My career didn't turn out right_

_There's no end in sight_

_I hate my life_

"This is really depressing," Jeff complained. "I think we need to get Matt some Prozac."

"Yeah and we also need to get you some ADD medicine while we're at it," Hunter added.

_How come I never get laid_

_Nice guys always lose_

_How they can have another headache_

_There's always some kind of excuse_

"Crap he's on to us!" Maria groaned. "We need a new excuse and fast."

Shawn raised his eyebrow. "I guess the honeymoon is over for them now."

_I still hate my job_

_My boss is a dick_

_I don't get paid nearly enough_

_To put up with all of this shit_

"Amen to that Hardy!" Hunter yelled.

_I hate my job, my retarded friends_

_I'll hate Adam Copeland till the bitter end_

_My career didn't turn out right_

_There's no end in sight_

_I hate my life_

_I hate when I can't tell when the ring rats are underage_

_I invite her up to my hotel room_

_And then I end up in jail_

Jeff winced at the furious looks on Maria's and Candice's faces. "Okay, that was not a good thing to admit when your girlfriends are in the same room as you."

_So if you're pissed like me  
Bitches, here's what you gotta do  
Put your middle fingers up in the air  
Go on and say "Fuck you!"_

"Fuck you!" Shawn, Hunter and Jeff yelled at once.

_I hate my job, my retarded friends_

_I'll hate Adam Copeland till the bitter end_

_My career didn't turn out right_

_There's no end in sight_

_I hate my life_

_So much at stake, can't catch a break  
I hate my life_

_No, it's nothing new to hear Jeff say "it sucks to be you"_

_I fuckin hate my life_

Matt stood up, smashed his guitar to pieces and stormed off the stage. Everybody just sat there for a second before hesitantly applauding. "I think we need to help Matt out," Shawn said. "He seemed really angry."

"We could have an intervention," Hunter suggested.

Jeff frowned. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Trust me Jeff, it's exactly what Matt needs."


	26. Matt's Intervention

Matt's Intervention

Matt whistled a random tune under his breath as he walked through the hallway. He was wrestling MVP tonight and he was going to his locker room so he could get ready. But on the way, he was grabbed by the back of the shirt and tossed into a different locker room. "What the hell are you doing? Let go of me you jackass!"

"Sorry Matthew," Hunter said seriously. He sat Matt down in the chair that was in the middle of the room. "But we're only doing this for your own good."

It was at that point that Matt realized he and Hunter weren't alone. Jeff, Shawn, Beth, Stephanie, Maria, Candice, Randy, Edge, Shannon, Shane, Gil, Morrison, Miz and MVP were all there too. "What the hell is this?" Matt asked.

"It's an intervention apparently," MVP said. "You see, I don't need an intervention because I'm STILL better than you."

Shawn smacked him on the back of the head. "That's not helping. This intervention is about helping Matt with this really big issue."

Matt was very confused. "Wait, what issue? Why are you making me go through with this intervention?"

"Because we think you're on drugs," Edge said.

"No we don't!" Hunter snapped. "We're just concerned about your anger issues and the fact that you hate your life. We're afraid you're going to commit suicide."

Jeff's eyes widened. "Matt's going to kill himself?"

"Oh God," Matt groaned. He did not like the high pitched tone Jeff's voice had taken.

Beth groaned. "Jesus Christ Hunter, did you have to say that? Out of all the things you could have said, why did you say that?"

Jeff jumped into Matt's lap and started bawling hysterically. "Don't kill yourself Matty! I don't want you to die!"

"I'm not going to kill myself you idiot!" Matt said in exasperation. He glared at Hunter. "I'm going to kill you for starting all this."

Shannon held up his piece of paper. "If he's not planning on killing himself, then do I have to read this thing I wrote about not killing himself?"

Randy looked at Edge. "I told you that we were supposed to write about how he SHOULDN'T kill himself."

"Wait, what the hell did you write Edge?" Miz asked.

Edge grinned and pulled out three sheets of notebook paper. "101 Reasons Why You Should Kill Yourself Matt," he read. "One: I am an eight time world champion. Two: you will never win a world title besides the gay ECW title. Three: You were ECW champion. Four: I am a better wrestler than you. Five: I am sexier than you. Six: Lita agrees with that statement."

Matt dumped Jeff to the floor and advanced on his arch-nemesis. "You have two seconds to shut the hell up before I stuff that paper down your throat," he growled.

Hunter pointed his finger at Matt. "You see? You have anger issues!"

"I wasn't angry until you fucking dragged me in here and started pulling this bullshit with me."

Shawn's eyes widened. "So Hunter's the problem! Hunter is going to drive Matt to the point of suicide!"

"I am not suicidal! Just because I sang a song about hating my life does not mean I'm going to kill myself!"

Jeff grabbed a sledgehammer that was sitting underneath a bench and started advancing towards Hunter. "You are harming my brother. You must die."

Hunter started backing away. "Now Jeff, let's stop and think about this for a minute…"

"I SAID YOU MUST DIE!" Jeff yelled. He started swinging the sledgehammer like a baseball bat, barely missing Hunter. Hunter let out a high pitched scream and ran away like a little girl.

Matt sighed and shook his head. "This night cannot get any worse."

"Reason number seven: I have much better hair than you. Eight: your legs bend funny. Nine: my legs don't bend funny. Ten: you have a moron for a brother. Eleven: your friends are morons too. Twelve: You are also a moron."

Matt picked up the chair he had been sitting on and smashed it over Edge's head. He looked down at the Rated R Superstar's unconscious form and grinned. "Wow, I actually feel a whole lot better now." He nodded to the others. "Thanks guys. I think this intervention worked quite well."


	27. A Not So Excellent Adventure

Hunter and Shawn's Not So Excellent Adventure

"Dude, this movie is awesome," Hunter said. He and Shawn were watching _Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure_. "I wish we had a time machine. Going back in time would be totally awesome."

"Maybe we could find a time machine," Shawn suggested. "I mean they have to be out there somewhere. You just have to know where to look."

Hunter jumped up to his feet. "Well then what are we sitting around here for? Let's go look for one! Time's a wasting little buddy."

So the two of them went off on their search. They walked for about a mile when they stumbled upon a phone booth.

"Yes! We found one!" Shawn yelled triumphantly. He and Hunter went in it but discovered one little problem: it wouldn't take them back in time. No matter how many buttons they pressed or how hard they pounded on the glass, it did not send them back in time.

"Shit, this is actually just a phone booth," Hunter said. He was obviously disappointed. "What do we do now?"

"Maybe we should keep looking," Shawn replied. "Maybe not all time machines are phone booths. They could be anything! Houses, cars, rockets…"

"Where are we going to find a rocket?"

"I don't know."

"Then why did you say it?"

"I don't know."

"You're really stupid, you know that?"

"Hey! I am not stupid!"

Matt opened the phone booth door. "What the hell are you two doing in here?"

"We're looking for a time machine Judas," Shawn explained. "Want to join us?"

"Be careful Shawn," Hunter warned. "He might hit you with a steel chair."

Matt glared at the both of them. "Would you two stop that? Evil Matt is a storyline. He does not really exist."

"Whatever you say Judas," Shawn said. He looked over at Hunter. "Maybe this thing really is the time machine and it's just hiding it's powers."

Hunter nodded. "Yeah, that could be it."

Matt rolled his eyes. "Guys, I hate to break it to you, but time machines don't really exist. They're just in movies."

Both members of DX glared at him. "You know what Judas?" Hunter said angrily. "We don't spoil your fun with reality, so stop spoiling ours. You may think time machines don't exist, but we do. And you may believe Shawn looks like a member of the Village People in those chaps but I…wait, I agree with belief. Okay, bad example."

"Hey!" Shawn yelled. "What did I tell you about mocking the chaps?"

"Itchweeed to the rescue motha fuckas!" Itchweeed pushed Matt all the way into the phone booth and within a span of the moment, all four of them were jammed inside of the very small booth.

"Itchweeed! What the hell?" Matt yelled.

"There are evil spirits all over the place dog," Itchweeed said. "They get inside your body and make your head go all around the place. They also make you puke like a motha fucka, which isn't much fun at all. I got possessed once and my vomit went like four feet out straight, you know what I'm saying?"

The others just stared at him, absolutely disgusted by what they were hearing. "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little," Shawn said quietly.

Hunter sighed. "Okay, I want to go look for the time machine somewhere else. Let's get out of here."

Itchweeed tried to open the door. "Uh…it's stuck."

"What do you mean it's stuck?" Shawn asked.

"I mean it won't open! What the fuck else could I mean?"

"Maybe somebody should call for some help," Hunter suggested.

"I don't have any change," Shawn said. "And I left my cell phone at the hotel."

"Shit, I did too," Hunter muttered. "What about you two?"

"Jeff stepped on my cell phone because he said I slapped him too hard on Smackdown," Matt said. "What about you Itchweeed?"

"I don't own no cell phone dog," Itchweeed replied. "I don't like those things."

"Well don't you have Jeff's?" Shawn asked.

"Why would I have Jeff's cell phone? He and I aren't the same person dog!"

Hunter looked horrified. "So you're telling me I'm stuck in this phone booth with you people?"

Shawn nodded. "It looks that way."

Matt sighed. "This is going to be a long day."


	28. Stuck in a Phone Booth

Stuck in a Phone Booth

"Why is it so hot in here?" Shawn asked. It was an hour later and they were all still stuck in the phone booth. "Who turned on the heat? Why is the sun shining right on us? Hunter, why does it have to be so hot?"

"Shawn, I know you're suffering but shut up already!" Hunter snapped. "We've got to find a way to get out of this thing."

Itchweeed kept pulling on the door that wouldn't open. "What the fuck is wrong with this thing? Why won't it let us out?" He pounded on the glass. "You let us out right now boy! I ain't playing with you."

"Maybe we should all rush at the door and break it down," Matt suggested.

The others looked at him like he was stupid or something. "Dude, the door is made of glass," Hunter told him. "Why would we try to break glass down? We could get seriously hurt."

"Yeah and we can't even move around in here enough to break it down anyway," Shawn added. He took off his shirt. "Damn it, this still isn't helping much."

Itchweeed covered his nose. "Boy put your shirt back on! I can smell your body odor all the way over here!"

Shawn looked offended. "Are you saying I smell?"

"Yes! You smell funky dog or some shit like that!"

Matt looked at Itchweeed incredulously. "A funky dog?"

"Well it's so bad I can't even describe it."

"That's it!" Shawn yelled. "You are so dead!" He elbowed Hunter and Matt out of the way and put his hands around Itchweeed's throat. "I'm going to kill you for saying that!"

Hunter pulled Shawn off of Itchweeed. "Calm down little buddy. There's no need to do anything rash."

Shawn frowned. "Why would I get a rash? That's a dumb thing to do."

Hunter sighed. "No Shawn, I said there's no need to DO anything rash, not there's no need to GET a rash."

"Oh, I get it now. But I need to do something rash! He told me I smell. I have to make him have a rash!"

"Hey, don't be cursing me now!" Itchweeed snapped. He took off his glove and smacked Shawn across the face with it.

"Oh don't start that Itchweeed," Matt said. "Don't start smacking people with that thing."

"Shut up boy!" Itchweeed shouted. He slapped Matt across the face too.

Hunter laughed. "Ha ha, you got slapped."

Itchweeed slapped him too. "And so did you motha fucka!"

Hunter looked shocked. "Why would you do that? Why would you slap me like that?"

"Your big nose was bothering me."

"Okay, that's it!" Hunter grabbed Itchweeed and started throttling him. It took Shawn and Matt several minutes to pull the two apart.

"I've had it!" Itchweeed said. He took off his hat and wiped some of the paint off that he had around his eyes. "I'm Jeff again. I'm Jeff, so please stop being violent. Itchweeed is gone."

"That might be a good thing," Shawn said.

Jeff nodded. "Oh yeah." He grabbed the phone booth door and easily opened it. "Let's go get some ice cream again," he said as he stepped back outside.

Matt, Shawn and Hunter just stared at him in shock. "How did you do that?" Matt asked in shock. "You said the door was stuck!"

"No, Itchweeed said the door was stuck. Itchweeed can't always open doors that well. One time he got stuck in my trailer for three days before I came back and bailed him out." Jeff reached into his pocket and pulled out a bag of Skittles. "Ooohh, candy!" He reached into his other pocket and pulled out his cell phone. "Oooohhh, a text! Somebody wuvs me!"

Hunter slowly advanced on Jeff. "Wait a second. You're telling me that we've been stuck in that phone booth for an hour because your alter ego is an idiot who can't open doors?"

Jeff nodded. "Yeah, pretty much." He frowned. "Oh no, Ken's cheetah got away. I got to go help him!"

"But Ken doesn't have a cheetah!" Matt yelled as Jeff ran away. He frowned and looked at the two members of DX. "Does he have a cheetah?"

Shawn shrugged. "I don't know. Let's go find out."


	29. The Quest for Ken's Cheetah

The Quest for Ken's Cheetah

Jeff, Matt, Shawn and Hunter arrived at Ken's house to find the Green Bay native seriously distressed. "My cheetah is gone!" he wailed as soon as he saw them. "I'm not MISTERRRRRR KENNEDY!" He paused for dramatic effect. "KENNEDY without my cheetah."

Hunter shook his head. "Do you always have to say your name like that?"

Ken gave him a strange look. "Yes. Why would you even ask that?"

"Where and when did you last see Pebbles?" Jeff asked, getting right down to business.

Shawn snickered. "You named your cheetah Pebbles?"

Matt shook his head. "Ken, a cheetah is a wild animal. It is not a pet."

"Well Pebbles is my pet and she doesn't appreciate it when people make fun of her name," Ken replied, glaring at Shawn.

"Well Pebbles isn't here anymore, is she?" Shawn snapped.

Ken burst into tears and clung to Jeff. "Oh God, what am I going to do without my Pebbles? I don't think I can live without her."

Jeff patted him on the back. "We'll find her, don't worry. I have special cheetah finding powers."

"No you don't," Hunter said.

"Yes I do," Jeff insisted. "Follow me. I'll prove it to you."

Matt sighed as they all followed Jeff outside. "This might be the stupidest and most dangerous thing we have ever done."

Shawn nodded. "Especially if the cheetah decides to eat us."

Jeff got on his hands and knees and started sniffing the ground as he crawled around. "She was here several hours ago," he announced. He crawled around some more. "She jumped over the fence. She was after something."

Ken groaned. "Oh God, she probably wanted to eat somebody. I knew I should have made her become a vegetarian."

"Jeff get off the ground," Hunter said. "This is ridiculous. You are not a dog and you cannot track down this cheetah."

"Silence puny human!" Jeff snapped. He crawled out of Ken's yard and started going down the sidewalk. "I will not tolerate your doubts!"

"Oh for God's sake, get back here you idiot!" Matt yelled as they tried to catch up with the Rainbow Haired Warrior.

"No!" Ken snapped. "He is trying to find Pebbles! I must have her back! I'm nothing without her!"

"You know, if I didn't know better, I would say that there's more to you and Pebbles' relationship than you're letting on," Shawn said.

Ken made a disgusted face. "Are you accusing me of bestiality? Because I will have to punch you if you are."

Jeff led them to a nearby park. Pebbles was there, drinking out of the fountain. "I'll be damned," Shawn said. "Ken really does have a cheetah."

"Pebbles!" Ken yelled. He ran over to his cheetah and grabbed her by the collar. "Naughty girl! You do not run away from me like that!"

Jeff got up and grinned smugly at them. "See? I told you that I had cheetah tracking powers."

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, big deal. You found the dumb cheetah. Whoopdie freaking do."

Pebbles heard the dumb comment and immediately pounced on Hunter. "AUGH! SOMEBODY GET THIS THING OFF OF ME!"

"Get him Pebbles!" Ken cheered. "Show that bastard that you aren't dumb!"

Matt winced. "I think one of us should help him."

Jeff looked at him. "Do you want to get attacked by Pebbles?"

"No."

"Neither do I. Hunter will just have to deal with this on his own. Unless…" Both Hardys looked at Shawn.

Shawn shook his head. "Oh fuck that. I don't care if he is my tag team partner. I'm not getting eaten by a cheetah just for him. Besides, he mocked my chaps the other day. There is no forgiving that."

"So what do we do now then?" Matt asked.

"Do you guys want to go watch _Southland Tales _again and wonder why the hell Rocky would let himself be in such a dumbass movie?" Jeff asked.

Shawn nodded. "Yeah sure. I'm still determined to figure out what the hell is going on in that movie in the first place."

Matt shook his head. "There's no figuring that out Michaels. It's one of those things that will stay a mystery till the end of time. I just want to watch it again because it has the chick who was Buffy the Vampire Slayer in it. She's hot."

Jeff rolled his eyes. "You're so simplistic Matthew."

"And don't you forget it."


	30. The Trial of the WWE Superstars

The Trial of the WWE Superstars

"What the hell is this all about?" Undertaker asked. The entire company had been gathered in the catering area. For some reason, the area had been transformed from a cafeteria to a courtroom. "Who did all this?"

Kane shook his head. "I've got a bad feeling about this."

Matt, Jeff and Shawn came in. Shawn stood by judge's bench that had been set up. Matt sat at one of the tables in the front of the room. "Everybody sit down," Shawn ordered. "The trial will commence shortly."

"Trial?" Chris Jericho said in disbelief. "What trial?"

"The trial of the WWE superstars," Shawn answered. "Now sit before I make Jeff chase you down with a steel chair."

Everyone reluctantly sat down. Just moments later, Hunter came in wearing a judge's outfit. "All rise for the Honorable Judge Helmsley," Shawn ordered.

"But we just sat down!" Miz complained.

Hunter pulled his sledgehammer out from his robes. "He said rise you assholes!"

Everyone stood back up until Hunter took his place at his bench. Then they all sat back down. "Okay, who's up first?" Hunter asked.

Jeff opened his notebook and looked at it. "Eggs, milk, twenty bags of Skittles…wait, that's my grocery list." He turned the page. "Kill Matt if he does not surrender my Beanie Baby. Oh, that's a note I wrote to myself earlier. Damn it." He turned the page again.

"Dude, I don't have your stupid Beanie Baby," Matt said.

"Liar!"

"Boys," Hunter growled.

"Here it is!" Jeff said. "The prosecution would like to call Legacy up to the stand." He looked around. "Wait, we don't have a stand."

"I couldn't find anything good enough to be the stand," Shawn said. "They can just stand by Matt. He's the defense after all."

"Okay Legacy, get your butts up here," Hunter ordered.

Randy, Ted and Cody reluctantly came up to sit with Matt. "This is stupid," Randy muttered.

Jeff cleared his throat. "Mr. Randy Orton is being charged with a lot of counts of recklessly punting people in the head, three counts of assaulting the McMahon family, one count of assaulting our own Judge Helmsley here, destruction of private property, and just plain being a jackass."

"Your Honor I object!" Matt said.

"Overruled!" Hunter replied.

"But your Honor, most of those charges come from my client simply doing his job!"

"I SAID SHUT UP!" Hunter shouted.

"Ha ha, you got yelled at," Jeff said gleefully to Matt. He went back to his list. "Mr. Ted DiBiase and Mr. Cody Rhodes are accessories to all these crimes because all Barbies must have accessories. And besides from that, I charge Mr. Cody Rhodes with being a closeted homosexual."

"Are you trying to say I'm gay?" Cody asked.

Randy looked pissed. "Did you just call me a Barbie?"

Ted just looked lost. "Don't we get a chance to defend ourselves?"

Jeff looked at Cody. "Yes and you're being charged because you refuse to come out. It's okay to tell us what we already know; we're not going to judge you." He looked at Randy. "Yes, you are a Barbie. Only you're uglier and have no boobies." He looked at Ted. "No, you don't get to defend yourself. That is not how this trial is going to work. You will accept my charges and you will like them!"

Matt raised his hand. "Your Honor--"

Hunter smashed his sledgehammer against the ground. "Enough! Legacy is guilty on all charges! Get 'em Shawn."

Shawn picked up his Bible and proceeded to smack each member of Legacy with it. "Jesus just kicked your ass!" he exclaimed.

Jeff looked down at his notebook. "Okay let's see who's next…oh there's my Randy and Cody gay fan fiction story."

"You wrote a gay fan fiction story about Cody and Randy?" Shawn asked.

Jeff shrugged. "I was bored." He turned the page. "I want to call Edge up to the stand."

Edge started to come up but Matt smacked him on the head with a chair. "He's guilty Hunter," Matt said.

Hunter nodded. "I know he is Matthew. Jeff, who's next?"

"Ms. Vickie Gurerro."

"Excuse me?" Vickie screeched.

Everybody winced. "Shawn…" Hunter started to say.

"I can't Hunter," Shawn objected. "She's a woman."

Jeff took the Bible from Shawn. "It's okay, we understand." He walked back to where Vickie was and hit her in the face with the Bible. As he was walking back up to his table, he stopped and looked at Kane. "You're next buddy."

Kane got up. But instead of joining Matt like he was supposed to, he choke slammed Shawn instead.

"Hey, order in my court!" Hunter shouted. "I ought to hold you in contempt!"

Undertaker stood up. "That's it. I've had as much as I can take. I'm out of here."

"Sit down you bastard," Jeff said. He hit Undertaker on the back of the head with the Bible. "We're not done yet."

Undertaker turned around and grabbed Jeff by the throat. "What did you just say boy?"

Matt laughed at the terrified look on Jeff's face. "You're in trouble now."

Hunter hit his sledgehammer against the ground again. "Order! Order in my courtroom damn it!"

Undertaker tossed Jeff into Hunter, sending both men sprawling on the ground. "This courtroom is adjourned," the Deadman announced.


	31. The Diva Sleepover

The Diva Sleepover

Matt was innocently reading a magazine when Hunter approached him. He immediately did not like the look on the Cerebral Assassin's face. "Oh Jesus, now what?" he asked. "What could you possibly be planning now?"

Hunter gave him a serious look. "Do you know what's happening right now?"

"Yes. A man with a large nose is bothering me."

"No you idiot. Mickie is having an all divas sleepover at her house."

"Yeah, so? Candice and Maria told me about it yesterday."

Hunter's jaw dropped. "You knew about this monumental occasion and you didn't get totally excited?"

"Excited for what? The girls are just having a sleepover. What exactly do you think they're going to be doing?"

"Oh I'll tell you what they're going to be doing. I'll tell you exactly what will be going down in Miss James's house.

_Hunter's fantasy_

_The girls were sitting in Mackie's bedroom wearing nothing but their bra and panties. "I'm so bored," Melina complained. "What are we going to do for fun?"_

_Mickie sat up. "You can squeeze my boobs."_

_Melina suddenly perked up. "Really? Thanks."_

_As Melina squeezed Mickie's boobs, Alicia Fox got up on the table. "Look at me! I'm going to dance out of my underwear."_

_The Bella twins joined her. "Us too!"_

_"Pillow fight!" Kelly shouted. She, Maria and Eve began to pillow fight in slow motion._

_"Hey, you want to know what's an even better idea than a pillow fight?" Candice said._

_"What?" the others asked._

_"Making a lesbian porno film!"_

_"Yay!"_

End of fantasy and back to reality

Hunter had a big, stupid grin on his face. "Yay," he agreed.

Matt and Shawn (who had really walked in at the wrong time) just stared at Hunter. "Okay, I'm not sure which is scarier," Shawn said slowly. "The fact that _that's_ the stuff going on in your head or the fact that we actually _saw_ all that."

"I have to go with the second one," Matt said. "That was pretty weird."

Hunter just rolled his eyes. "Come on guys, let's get serious here for a moment. A lesbian porn movie is currently being filmed and we're missing it." He grabbed Matt and Shawn and started dragging them with him. "We can't let this opportunity just pass us by."

"But Hunter, that was just a fantasy in your head," Matt tried to explain. "The girls are not going to make a lesbian porn movie."

Hunter was not listening though. He was bound and determined to find the divas filming themselves doing lesbian action and he would not be talked out of that idea. So they went to Mickie's house and snuck in through the back. The fact that it was unlocked should have told them that something was not quite right about the situation.

"This feels wrong," Shawn whispered as they slowly crept up the stairs. "We're not supposed to be in here. Mickie's going to get mad."

"She won't if she doesn't find out we're in here," Hunter whispered back. "That means shut the hell up Shawn."

"Don't talk to him like that," Matt scolded. "He's very sensitive. You're going to upset him again."

"Oh yes," they heard Maria moan. "Oh Candice."

The boys froze in their tracks. "Did you hear that?" Matt asked.

Shawn gulped. "I don't think I'm supposed to be hearing this. This is wrong. I might go to hell now."

Hunter grinned. "This isn't hell Shawn. This is what heaven is like." He slowly opened Mickie's bedroom door so he could peek in and spy like a pervert. But somebody was already peeking back at him. And that someone was wearing a pink bathrobe, hair curlers and a green facial mask.

That someone was Jeff.

"AAAACCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!" Hunter screamed. He jumped back and knocked himself, Matt and Shawn over in the process. "Jeff what the hell are you doing here?"

Jeff and the divas came out of the room and started laughing at them. "I can't believe you fell for the whole lesbian porno story Hunter," Jeff said as he shook his head. "Why would you trust anything I say?"

Matt glared at Hunter. "That's a very good question."

Shawn looked at Jeff carefully. "Jeff, are you wearing underwear under that robe?"

"No," Jeff answered. "Why would I wear underwear?"

"What?" Mickie yelled. "I told you that you couldn't wear my robe if you didn't have underwear on!"

Jeff rolled his eyes and took off the robe, revealing his naked glory. "Fine. You're so mean sometimes Mickie."

"Oh for God's sake Mickie, give him the robe back," Matt pleaded. "It's already got his germs on it. Give it back so he'll be covered up again."

"Actually, this whole being naked thing feels pretty nice," Jeff said. He put his hands on his hips. "I think I should go around from now on like this."

"Uh…how about you don't?" Shawn suggested. "I would really appreciate it if you put your clothes back on."

Jeff shook his head. "Nope. I don't want to."

"Jeff!" everyone yelled at the same time.

"Fine! I'll put my clothes back on." Jeff smirked. "If you can catch me that is." And much to everybody's shock, he ran down the stairs and out the front door completely fucking naked.

"Oh dear God," Matt groaned. "Now we have to chase a naked Jeff. Somebody just shoot me now and get it over with."


	32. Jeff and the Naked Parade

Jeff and the Naked Parade

"Nakey is good! Nakey is free!" Jeff declared as he wandered the streets. He knew the others were after him because they wanted him to put his clothes back on. But they didn't understand what he had discovered when he removed Mickie's robe: clothes were evil. They were the devil. They had to be removed or people were going to be slaves forever. He had to help people understand that. He had to help people get naked.

A car full of screaming fan girls suddenly pulled up beside him. Several of them actually got out of the car and started chasing him. Now he knew from personal experience that there was only one thing to do if fan girls were after you: run like hell. So he ran away and went into some random person's backyard. He jumped into the pool that was there and hid until the screaming women went away. "Oooh, water nice," he said. "Water warm. No shrinkage today. Shrinkage is the only thing worse than clothes."

Suddenly the back porch lights came on and the owner of the house stepped out. "Jeff! What the fuck are you doing in my pool?"

Jeff grinned and waved at the enraged Canadian. "Hi Edge! Wanna swim?"

XXXXXXXX

"Guys, this is bad," Matt said. He, Shawn and Hunter had been looking for Jeff for the past hour now. "We've got to find Jeff."

"Well what do you think we've been trying to do all this time?" Hunter asked. "Your brother does not want to be found."

"Maybe we should just go home and wait for him to come to us," Shawn said. "I mean, if dogs can travel across the country to be reunited with their owners, Jeff can find us again."

Matt shook his head. "You guys don't understand. Freaky things happen when Jeff goes streaking. He makes people join them."

Hunter frowned. "He makes people join them? What do you mean by that?"

"What I mean is, if we don't find him soon, the streets will be overflowing with naked people before morning."

Shawn and Hunter stared at him with wide eyes. "Wow," Shawn whispered. "That's crazy." He looked at Hunter. "I want a Slurpee. Let's get me a Slurpee."

XXXXXXXX

Edge just stared at the younger Hardy in shock and anger. "No, I do not want to join you," he said bluntly. "I would like for you to get the hell out of my pool."

"Why?" Jeff asked.

"Because I don't even like you! Now get out!"

Jeff pouted his lips and got out of the pool. "You're really mean, you know that?"

Edge let out a yell and jumped back away from Jeff. "And you're really naked! Where are your clothes?"

"Clothes are the enemy Adam," Jeff said seriously. "They must be abandoned. They will eat our brains if we don't."

"Okay, you have officially lost your mind," Edge decided. "I'm going to call Matt and tell him--hey, why are you coming near me? Keep your naked ass over there!" He opened his back door and started backing into his house. "Jeff, think about this for a second. Don't do anything you're going to--oh shit! Christian! Help me!"

Jeff speared Edge and they ended up on the kitchen floor. "Would you just hold still?" he asked as he tried to rip Edge's clothes off. "I'm only trying to help."

"Get off of me you freak!" Edge yelled fearfully. "Jeff, I am not joking! This is too weird, even for you!"

"Dudes, what's going on?" Christian asked. He didn't look fazed at all by the sight of a naked Jeff straddling Edge and trying to rip the blonde man's clothes off. Then again, he was completely drunk, so nothing was going to faze him tonight.

"Clothes are the enemy Christian," Jeff explained. "We have to be naked from now on."

"Oh, okay." With that, Christian stripped his clothes off and threw them on the floor.

"Good boy," Jeff said. He looked down at Edge. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way Copeland."

Edge gulped. "Okay, okay, just please get your naked ass off of me.

Jeff got up and allowed Edge to strip in peace. "Now see, isn't this better?" he asked.

"No," Edge replied. He was covering himself up as best as he could. "Why couldn't you do this with your freaky friends? Why did you have to come here?"

"They'll make me put my clothes back on if I go back to them," Jeff explained. He rubbed his stomach. "I'm hungry. Who wants to go to McDonalds?"

"I do," Christian said. "I need some Chicken McNuggets."

"Wait, we can't go out like this!" Edge protested as he was grabbed and dragged out the front door. "We're naked! We're going to get arrested! Guys, this isn't funny! Let go of me!"

"Shut up you big baby," Jeff said. "Stop ruining my fun. This is a celebration of nudity and you are ruining it with your whining!"

As they were walking to McDonalds, they ran into Miz and Morrison. Morrison took off his sunglasses and stared at them. "The Shaman demands to know what you freaks are doing," he declared.

"We're going to McDonalds," Jeff answered.

"But why are you naked?"

"Hey, that's not the real question here. The real question is, why aren't you guys naked?"

Miz shrugged. "That's actually a good question. We look good naked."

So Miz and Morrison took off their clothes and joined the others on their McDonalds quest. When they got to their destination, they gave the employees and the other customers quite a surprise. "Okay I want a Happy Meal," Jeff told the lady at the cash register. "And an apple pie. I like pie. And Christian wants Chicken McNuggets."

"And I want God to kill me now," Adam muttered.

"Quiet you," Jeff snapped.

The lady just blinked several times. "Um…why are you naked?"

He smirked. "Actually, the real question is, why aren't _you_ naked?"

XXXXXXXX

"I love Slurpies," Shawn said as he, Matt and Hunter left the 7-11. "Slurpies are good."

Matt rolled his eyes. "Yes they are Shawn. But can we please go look for Jeff again?"

Hunter pointed to something across the street. "Uh…there he is."

Matt and Shawn looked to where Hunter was pointing. "Holy shit," Shawn said in amazement. Jeff was now leading Edge, Christian, Miz, Morrison and whole bunch of other naked people down the street.

"Great," Matt muttered. "We're never going to get his pants back on now."

"Oh we will," Hunter said. "Because I'm calling a State of Emergency. Our new mission must be completed or we are all doomed."

"But what's our mission called?" Shawn asked.

"It's called Operation Get Some Pants On Jeff. It must be done soon. I have to wrestle Jeff tomorrow night and I am not wrestling him naked. I don't care that he's not as gross as that naked Midieon guy was. Wrestling a naked Jeff in front of millions of people around the world is not on my list of things to do before I die."


	33. Operation Get Some Pants Back On Jeff

Operation Get Some Pants On Jeff

"Oh I love Skittles, yes I do. I love Skittles, how about you?" Jeff sang under his breath. He was at the arena for Smackdown (still naked of course). He didn't actually have any Skittles but he intended on finding some. He started heading towards the vending machine when he saw Hunter standing in his way. The Cerebral Assassin was armed with a pair of jeans. "No!" Jeff said stubbornly.

"Yes," Hunter insisted. He started to advance towards the Rainbow Haired Warrior. "This is for your own good Hardy."

"Screw you Hunter!" Jeff turned around to run away only to be caught by Shawn and Matt. "No!" he whined as they held on to him tightly. "No pants! No pants!"

"Yes pants," Shawn said. "Pants want to be your friend again. Pants are not your enemy."

"Yes they are," Jeff said. "They're evil. They must die!" He stomped on Shawn's foot and bit Matt so he could run away. "You're never going to get them on me! Do you hear me you freaks? Never!"

"Jeff get back here!" Hunter yelled. He was running as fast as he could. This was getting ridiculous. He chased Jeff all around the arena three times before Jeff tripped and fell.

"OW!" Jeff screamed. "I hurt my knee! I hurt my knee Hunter."

"Yeah, you really did," Hunter said sympathetically. He had to play his cards just right to accomplish his mission. That's a pretty nasty owie you have there." He feinted like he was going to examine the scrape more closely but he really ended up trying to force one of Jeff's legs into the pants.

Jeff's eyes widened. How dare Hunter try that? The betrayal! The nerve of that big nosed bastard! He kicked Hunter in the knee as hard as he could and scrambled up to his feet so he could start running again. "It'll never work Hunter! You'll never get my pants on! I will be naked forever!"

"Jeffery Nero Hardy!" Beth shouted at the top of her lungs. She came out of Stephanie's office and tried to do everything in her power to stop him. "Get your pants back on this instant! What exactly do you think you're doing?"

"I'm streaking!" he informed her. He moved her out of the way so he could keep running. "And you can't stop me Beth Britt! Nobody can stop me! Not you, Hunter, Shawn, Matt, Stephanie or any of the other bastards in this locker room!"

Undertaker suddenly appeared. "What did you say Hardy?"

Jeff gulped and skidded to a halt. "Other way! Must go other way!" He ran off in the other direction and found himself face to face with Edge.

"Damn it Hardy!" the Ultimate Opportunist yelled. "Why are you still naked? Are you trying to give me nightmares?"

Jeff frowned. "No, I'm just trying to be happy. Don't you want me to be happy Adam?"

"No! I want you to go put some damn pants on!"

Jeff kicked Edge between the legs for yelling at him and took off running again. Why was everyone being so mean to him? Couldn't they understand that he was having fun being naked? Why couldn't they just leave him alone?

Suddenly everything around him turned red and creepy music started to play. "What the hell is going on?" he muttered. "I better not have a serial killer after me. That would really suck."

The Boogeyman popped up out of a crate. "I am the Boogeyman, and I am coming to get you some pants!" He held up a pair of jeans as proof.

"EW, they probably have worms in the pockets," Jeff said in disgust. He quickly got away from Boogeyman. "He doesn't even work here anymore. Why the hell does he keep showing up?"

Soon Jeff came across a vending machine. But there were two problems. One: he had no money because his money was in his pants pocket. And two (which was really the more serious problem) was the fact that the vending machine had no Skittles. None at all. He started running around again, looking into every machine that was in the building. All the Skittles were gone. Somebody had kidnapped the Skittles.

"Oh Jeff," Matt called out. The older Hardy approached his younger brother slowly. He was holding Jeff's pants in his hands. "Notice anything missing?"

"You bastard!" Jeff said. He put his hands on his hips and glared at his older brother. "You kidnapped the Skittles! That is just wrong!"

"Yeah I know it is," Matt admitted. "I'll tell you what I'll do to make it okay. You put on your pants and I'll tell you where I hid the Skittles."

Jeff bit his lip. This was going to take a lot of thinking and consideration. This was a very important decision.

Five seconds later, he had made up his mind. "Give me those," he said as he took the pants back. He slipped them back on and then looked at his older brother. "Now where are those Skittles? I demand that you release them at once!"

"They're in my bag you dork," Matt told him. He shook his head. "You know, sometimes I think you love those Skittles more than me."

"Well no duh," Jeff said as he rolled his eyes. "Here's the list of things I love: Skittles, Beth, Pixie Stix, Sour Skittles and then you and Daddy are tied for last. Since you guys are not fruity candy and I'm not going to have sex with either of you any time soon, you must come in last. He patted Matt on the head and then took off running towards Matt's locker room. There were Skittles to consume after all.


	34. Inside the Mind of the Heartbreak Kid

Inside the Mind of the Heartbreak Kid

**March 27, 2009**

**I think Undertaker is taking our feud a little too seriously. I've caught him looking at me like he wants to kill me several times over the past several weeks. It's actually really scary. He probably could kill me if he really wanted to. He's a big guy and he would be right at home in a horror movie. Hey, maybe he has been in a horror movie. Kane was in one so that means the movie people had to have put Undertaker in one first. After all, Undertaker so totally pawns Kane. Not that I would ever tell Kane that of course. He might kill me with that hook he used in **_**See No Evil**_**. And getting killed with a hook is bad. I may not know a lot, but I know that much.**

**On an interesting side note, I found out Matt does weird things when he sleeps sometimes. I found him laying on the floor whining and moving his hands and feet around like he was a running dog or something. I tried to record it using my cell phone but it didn't work so I tossed the bastard thing against the wall. That made it break and now I have to get a new one. That was not a smart move on my part.**

**March 28, 2009**

**I am never watching horror movies with Jeff again. He had me watch the entire **_**Halloween**_** and **_**Friday the 13**__**th**___**series with him and he kept telling me that Undertaker was going to kill me at Wrestlemania. And since Undertaker is dead or what not, it looks like I'm going to get my brain eaten by a zombie. Or maybe I'm going to get my blood sucked by a vampire. I don't think Jeff really knows what Undertaker is. Then again, I don't think anyone does. Hmmmm…zombie or vampire? Do I want to get killed by a zombie or a vampire? Or is Undertaker either of those things. Maybe he's a witch. Yeah, that would make sense. Witches could probably bring themselves back from the dead. I mean, what's the point of having magic powers if you can't bring yourself back from the dead? It defeats the purpose of magic powers.**

**Oh, Hunter and I went to go see **_**12 Rounds**_** today. It was Hunter's idea but he got mad at me and accused me for the terrible idea. First of all, we had to pay eight dollars apiece for a ticket. Then our Cokes, candy and slushies cost us another fifteen bucks. And then (this is what really set Hunter off) was the fact that we wasted all that money to basically see another version of **_**The Marine**_**. I mean, there are a couple of differences but it's basically the same as his first damn movie! I was like what the hell? Even Hulk Hogan had more variety in his movie choices and all of his movies sucked! So Hunter yelled at me for making him waste money on that movie and I got mad at him for blaming me for his own stupidity so I gave him a Sweet Chin Music at the theater and left him there. I haven't heard anything from him sense then. I wonder if he's okay. I should probably go find out.**

**March 29, 2009**

**I had a dream that Undertaker tried to kill me last night. First he tried to eat my brain like a zombie. Then he tried to bite my neck like a vampire. Then he just tried to boil me alive in his cauldron. Luckily I was saved by the giant chicken that keeps attacking Matt in his dreams. I told Jeff about my dream and he told me it meant that if I wanted to know the true meaning of the dream, I was going to have to pay him 1,000 Skittles. I didn't do it though. I'm not stupid. Jeff will do anything to get some Skittles. I will not fall victim to his scam.**

**March 30, 2009**

**Jeff's still bugging me about the Skittles. He took his clothes off again and he won't put them back on until I get him all the fruity candy he desires. First I called Matt to see if he could get his brother but apparently Jeff knocked him unconscious, tied him up and put him in a closet somewhere. So I tried calling Hunter instead. He wouldn't help me because he was still mad about me kicking him a couple of days ago. Then Jeff went to my Jewish neighbor and asked her if she would suck it if it was Kosher. She called the cops and I got to watch as Jeff was arrested for indecent exposure. I could have stepped in to help but I chose to laugh and mock my friend the entire time.**

**But the laughing and mocking didn't last long. I saw Undertaker stalking me outside my window. He really does want to kill me! Oh God, I'm going to die!**

**March 31, 2009 (I think)**

**I've been hiding inside this closet for awhile now. I'm too afraid to come out. Undertaker is out there and he's planning on gutting me like a catfish. If anyone reads this, then the unthinkable has happened. I am either just dead, a zombie or a vampire. Please run away so I don't eat your brains or suck your blood. Brains and blood are gross. I really don't want to have them as my diet for all of eternity. Maybe Undertaker will be nice and turn me into a chocolate eating zombie or vampire. That would be sweet.**

Rebecca closed the diary and looked at her sleeping husband. He had no idea that Undertaker was really not out to kill him. Undertaker was just playing some mind games and they seemed to be working a little too well. "Oh honey, what am I going to do with you?" she asked. She shook her head. "Undertaker's not the witch here. The neighbor you thought was Jewish is the actual witch. She's over there right now doing…you know what? Never mind. I don't need you waking up and hearing me say that. You'll just get paranoid and do something stupider than usual."


	35. Inside the Mind of the Older Brother

Inside the Mind of the Older Brother

**April 2, 2009**

**I have once again woken up inside of a closet. Jeff is really starting to piss me off with this shit. This is the third time within the past five days he's knocked me out and stuffed me in a closet. I don't know why he's doing it. Either he really likes me out of the way while he runs around naked and taking Skittles from people or he just likes the fact that I keep having to come out of the closet. Ha, I've been coming out of the closet a lot lately. Wait, no, that shouldn't be funny. I have two girlfriends. There is no closet for me to come out of.**

**Speaking of my girlfriends, they got really pissed at me today after I came out of the closet (God that's weird writing that). Apparently I'm supposed to get rid of stuff I like just so they can have more room for their junk. I told them that there was no way I was getting rid of all my crap because I actually liked it and that's when they gave me the evil glare from hell. So I decided to leave and go to Jeff's house. Jeff was in Dad's watermelon patch, weedeating it because he was being Itchweeed. That left me all alone with Beth.**

**"Hey Beth," I said. "How do I get Jeff to stop putting me in the closet?"**

**"You have to scare him," she told me.**

**"Well what is he scared of?"**

**"Psychics."**

**"Really?"**

**"Yeah. Apparently if they can read minds then they can hijack his brain and he'll cease to be."**

**Sweet. I'm going to pretend to be psychic now. It shouldn't be too hard. It's actually pretty easy to figure out what Jeff's thinking most of the time. He is rather simplistic after all.**

**April 3, 2009**

**I shouldn't have told Jeff I was psychic. I think I really scared him. I went over to his house this morning and heard him muttering about not being able to find his Pixie Stix. Apparently he had a gigantic pack of them but they disappeared. He probably ate them and forgot about that, but he was convinced Beth took them. Now he didn't know I heard him muttering so I just sat down on the couch and kept staring at him as he tried to watch TV. He tried to ignore me at first but finally I really got on his nerves.**

**"What?" he finally asked. "What do you want Matt?"**

**"It's hard not being able to find your Pixie Stix, isn't it?"**

**He just stared at me. "How did you know I couldn't find those?"**

**"And it also must be hard when you can't even accuse your girlfriend without getting yelled at."**

**He looked at me like I had lost my mind. "Matt, seriously, how do you know that?"**

**I grinned at him. "I'm psychic. I can read minds Jeffro. Isn't that great?"**

**The look on his face told me that he did not think it was so great. In fact, he looked pretty freaking terrified by my confession. "You can really read minds?" he asked timidly.**

**"Yes," I said. "And I know what you're thinking now. You're thinking I'm going to hijack your brain and you'll cease to be. And you're right Jeff. I am going to hijack your brain."**

**That's the point he ran screaming out of the house and nobody can find him. Beth, Candice and Maria are all mad at me, even though it was Beth's suggestion to scare him in the first place. I guess it's just easier to be mad at me because I'm the man. I am worried about Jeff though. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I can't scare him again if he doesn't come back.**

**April 4, 2009**

**Well the good news is, we know where Jeff is. The bad news is, Hunter is furious with me too. Apparently Jeff actually got on a plane and flew to Connecticut to hide at Hunter's house. Now he's still hysterical and Hunter's pissed because Stephanie won't screw him because she's taking care of Jeff. So now I'm going to be off to Connecticut to try to convince my dear brother I'm not a brain hijacking psychic. This should be fun.**

**April 5, 2009**

**Now Jeff is hiding in the closet and he won't come out. Hunter is still not getting laid. I'm not going to get laid either unless I fix this mess. I am so depressed right now. I have to do something and quick.**

**April 6, 2009**

**This afternoon I broke down the closet door and got in there with Jeff. He started screaming like an idiot. "Get away from my brain!" he told me. "I like my brain! Leave it alone!"**

**"I'm not going to hurt your brain you idiot," I said. "I'm not really a psychic."**

**"Then how did you know about the Pixie Stix?"**

**"I heard you muttering to yourself when I came into the house. And I knew you were afraid of psychics hijacking your brain because Beth told me."**

**"Oh." He punched my leg. "That was mean! Why would you do that to me?"**

**"Because you kept hitting me in the head and putting me in closets! I wanted to make you stop."**

**"Oh." He started to laugh. "Hey, I got you in the closet again and I didn't even have to hit you this time! I still win!"**

**Oh Lord, give me the strength to deal with my damn bastard of a brother…**


	36. Inside the Mind of the Game

Inside the Mind of the Game

**April 5, 2009**

**I don't understand why everyone is keeping diaries (or journals or whatever) now. First it was Jeff, then Shawn, then Matt and now me. This is some weird and girly shit. Oh well, mine will be different. Mine will be more than a mere journal. Mine will be an artistic statement of the inner workings of my mind.**

**Stephanie hasn't been having enough sex with me. When we first got married, we had sex like three times a day. But now that we've had a couple of kids and she's working more on TV, we're only having sex once a day. That's just not enough for me. I am a very sexual person. Sex is my addiction. I am not me without it. I tried to explain that to her but she just pissed off at me.**

**"Why do I need to have sex with you again?" she asked. "I just had sex with you three hours ago! Once a day is enough!"**

**"It is not!"**

**"Is too!"**

**"Is not!"**

**"Hunter, you're very close to get your sex for tomorrow canceled."**

**"Fine. Can we at least do the Dutch Rudder then?"**

**"The what?"**

**"The Dutch Rudder." I pulled down my pants and grabbed my cock. "You see, now you start working my arm up and down. It's like I'm jerking off but you're making me do it."**

**She looked at me like was crazy but she did it just to shut me up. Now as fun as the Dutch Rudder is, I need other ways to fulfill my sex drive if I'm not going to get laid three times a day.**

**April 6, 2009**

**These are all the things I have learned from reading fan fiction:**

**In slash pairings, Jeff is almost always the bottom. **

**There are only two exceptions to the above statement: one story where he fucked Edge and if he is with Shannon, he is pretty much always the top. That's how much of a bottom Shannon really is.**

**I am almost always on top and dominating in some way (go me!).**

**Frequently seen Jeff pairings (slash and non-slash): Jeff/me, Jeff/Matt (now that's making me wonder what those two really do when they're alone), Jeff/Edge, Jeff/Randy, Jeff/Chris, Jeff/Maria, Jeff/Undertaker, Jeff/Ashley (even though she dated Matt, not Jeff) and there's probably more, but I can't think of them.**

**My pairings: Me/Steph (duh), me/Shawn (we take "suck it" to a whole new level), me/Lita (I'm not joking--I have seen these fics), me/Jeff, me/Randy and me/Shawn/Undertaker.**

**Matt's pairings: Matt/Jeff (its my journal so I can repeat if I want to), Matt/Eve, Matt/Lita, Matt/Edge (now there's some sexual tension right there), Matt/Evan (even though that might constitute pedophilia because Evan looks to be twelve).**

**Shawn's pairings: Shawn/Chris, Shawn/Undertaker, Shawn/me, Shawn/JBL (EWWWWW!), Shawn/Bret. **

**There are some details that I really didn't need to know, but they get written anyway. Still, I find it hot because Stephanie still won't have more sex with me. Damn bitch. I think it's her time of the month or something.**

**There's probably more I've learned but I'm hungry so I'm going to stop writing now.**

**April 7, 2009**

**I know how to solve my lack of sex problem: I am going to become a porn star. It's perfect! I can have all the sex I want and it won't be considered cheating because it's just my job. I even asked Stephanie if I could do it.**

**"You seriously want to be a porn star now?" she asked me.**

**"Yeah," I said with a nod. "I need to have more sex. I'm still going to love you but I want to video tape myself having sex with other people so I can make money."**

**She shook her head. "Will this get you to leave me alone more?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Okay," she said with a sigh. "Have at it."**

**Yes! I have the best wife ever.**

**April 8, 2009**

**Last night I tried to come up with a plot for my movie but it didn't really work out. So I just decided to not have a plot in my porno. It's not like a plot line is really necessary for a porno anyway. My favorite pornos got rid of the silly plot and just had people having sex. Wait…that's it! I've got the perfect title for my porno: **_**Shut up and Fuck Me.**_** It's perfect! It's fucking perfect! I'm going to go do my happy dance now.**

**April 9, 2009**

**Shawn will be the director of **_**Shut up and Fuck Me**_**. I haven't told him that yet because I don't want to listen to him whine about his religion and morals and shit yet. Oh and Jeff and Matt have to be in it. I'm going to be the main star and I'm going to fuck pretty much every girl in the movie, but I'm a nice friend so I'll let them get laid too. I'll even let Beth, Candice and Maria in so Jeff and Matt don't have to fuck each other (although they can if they want to. Whatever floats their boat is find with me as long as it's not bestiality). I'm going to go to Vince today and force him to finance this movie. Ha! I love having a rich father in law.**

Matt put down Hunter's journal slowly. He looked at Jeff and Shawn. They appeared to be as traumatized as he felt. He tried to speak but no words would come out. He didn't even know what he could say after all they had read.

Hunter came in at that moment. "Hey guys I got this great idea for us to--" He stopped as he realized they had read his journal. "Uh oh."

Jeff just stared at Hunter for a long time before summing up everything that needed to be said in one sentence. "You're a fucking pervert dude."


	37. The Hostage Situation

The Hostage Situation

"Guys, I committed a sin today," Shawn confessed. He looked very upset at the moment. "I am officially a sinner again."

"Well what did you do?" Matt asked. He was eating some chocolate chip cookies.

"I stole Randy's wallet."

Hunter started to laugh. "Dude, that's hilarious."

"It's not hilarious!" Shawn objected. "I lost the thing and Randy is really, really upset right now. "What if he tries to steal something I like in order to get back at me?"

Hunter shook his head. "Okay first of all, you have nothing worth stealing. Believe me, I've stolen your shit before and most of it wasn't worth the effort of the theft in the first place. Second of all, this is Randy you're talking about. The guy has the mental capacity of a cockroach. What in the world could he possibly be smart enough to steal from you?"

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Bird bird bird, bird is a word," Jeff sang as he walked down the hallway. "Bird bird bird, bird is the word." He stopped when he looked down on the floor and saw a trail of Skittles. "Holy baby Jesus!" he exclaimed. "I've died and gone to Heaven!" He began to pick up each piece of candy and put it in his mouth. "Ooh piece of candy! Ooh piece of candy! Ooh piece of candy!"

Suddenly a net was thrown over his head. "AH! THE RUSSIANS HAVE ME!" he screamed. He tried to take off running but he tripped over his own feet and hit his head very hard. "OW!"

"Holy crap!" Ted exclaimed. He and Cody quickly ran over to check on Jeff. "You said you were going to lure him in nicely Randy."

Randy grabbed Jeff and pulled him up to his feet. "It's not my fault he's the dummy who thought the Russians were after him." He glared at Jeff. "Shawn stole my wallet, so I'm taking you until he gives it back to me."

Jeff just stared at him. "So…does that mean you're with the Russians now?"

"No you damn idiot! It means you're going to be my hostage for awhile."

"Oh. I have a boo boo on my head. Kiss it and make it better."

"I'm not going to kiss your boo boo."

"Oh yes you will."

"Oh no I won't."

"Oh yes you will."

"Jeff knock it off."

Jeff removed the net that was still on him. "Kiss the boo boo or I'm going to scream."

"Randy just do it," Cody pleaded.

"Yeah," Ted added. "I've heard him scream and it's not pretty."

"I am not kissing his boo boo and that's final!" Randy yelled.

Jeff made a face and let out a high pitched scream that put cranky toddler to shame. Cody and Ted put their hands over their ears and jumped back like five feet. Randy tried to resist but he finally gave in and kissed Jeff where he had hurt his head. Jeff stopped screaming and grinned. "See? Was that so hard?"

Randy glared at him. "Just shut up and come with us. It's time to negotiate the return of my wallet."

XXXXXXXXX

"Dude stop that!" Shawn complained. He and Matt were playing Smackdown vs. Raw 2009 and Matt was beating the crap out of him. "This is not fair! I'm not going to be able to win if you don't let me get up!"

"That's kind of why I keep beating the crap out of you," Matt pointed out.

Hunter came back from getting the Mountain Dew he had wanted. "You want to know what I just saw?"

"Miz in his Borat inspired swimsuit?" Matt asked without looking away from the TV.

"No. Legacy has taken Jeff hostage. I guess Randy really is pissed about his wallet being missing."

Shawn paused the game and looked at his two friends. "Maybe we should retrace my steps and try to find the wallet."

Matt shook his head. "That won't be necessary."

Hunter frowned. "Dude, what's your deal? You're usually really protective of Jeff. Why aren't you worried right now?"

Matt smirked. "This is not the first time Jeff's been kidnapped. Believe me, the same thing happens every time someone takes him."

Shawn stared at Matt with interest. Can you tell us what happens?"

Matt's smirk got even bigger. "He annoys his kidnappers so badly that they end up paying me to take him back. Bitches…we're about to get rich."

XXXXXXXX

"Why won't they answer their phones?" Randy muttered. He was getting frustrated. How was he supposed to negotiate the return of his wallet if none of Jeff's friends were answering their phones?

Jeff made loud vrooming noises and started running around the dressing room. "Look at me! I'm a race car driver!" He purposefully ran into Ted and Cody, knocking both of them over. "Ha! I killed you! Hit and run! Hit and run!"

"Would you knock it off?" Randy snapped. "I can't think when you're making that much noise."

"Why do you need to think?"

"Because I need a plan."

"Why?"

"I need to get my wallet back."

"Why?"

"Because it has important stuff in it."

"Why?"

Randy frowned. "Why do you keep asking me why?"

"Why?"

"That's just what I asked you!"

"Why?" Jeff asked with a grin.

Randy looked at Ted and Cody. "One of you better duct tape his mouth shut."

"We don't have duct tape," Cody said.

"Well find something else then!"

Jeff got down on his hands and knees. "Woof woof! I'm a doggie!"

Ted clapped his hands. "That's awesome! I love doggies!"

Randy smacked him on the back of the head. "Would you stop being second for two seconds? He is not a doggie!"

Jeff growled. He did not like how rude Randy was being. He crawled over to the Legend Killer and bit him on the leg.

"OW!" Randy screamed. "SON OF A BITCH! GET HIM OFF ME!"

It took Cody and Ted ten minutes to get Jeff off of Randy. "Grrr…that'll show you," Jeff growled.

Randy just looked at him. "Have you gone completely insane?"

Jeff stood up and grinned at him. "Do you want to hear a song?"

"No."

"Well you're going to hear one anyway." He cleared his throat. "Well everybody's heard about the bird. Bird bird bird. Bird is the word. Don't you know about the bird? Well everybody knows that bird is a word. Bird bird bird bird is a word."

"Okay that's enough," Randy objected.

"Well everybody's heard about the bird."

"Jeff I'm not joking."

"Bird bird bird."

"SHUT UP!"

"Bird is the word."

XXXXXXX

Matt smirked as Jeff skipped into the room. "Wow, they only had you for a half hour. What did you do to make them give up already?"

Jeff grinned. "I sang the bird song."

Shawn frowned. "What bird song?"

Jeff took a deep breath. "Don't you know about the bird? Well everybody knows that bird is a word. Bird bird bird, bird is a word…"

Hunter groaned. "Oh God, I think we need to give him back to Randy. He's never going to shut up now."


	38. Sherlock Hardy and the Killer Raccoon

Sherlock Hardy and the Killer Raccoon

Jeff put a pipe in his mouth. He had a long trench coat on and he was looking at everyone suspiciously. "We have serious problem here ladies and gentlemen. Isn't that right Watson?"

Ted frowned. "My name is Ted."

Jeff took the pipe out of his mouth and he slowly turned to glare at the younger man. "Your name is Watson," he growled.

"Okay," Ted said in a scared voice.

Matt glared at his younger brother. "Why does he get to be Watson? And who died and made you Sherlock Hardy. I should so be Sherlock here."

"Guys, can someone please explain to me what is going on?" Hunter asked.

Shawn sighed. "Well I can already tell you that it's going to be weird and stupid. It always is when Jeff's dressed up."

Jeff began to pace back and forth. "Gentlemen, we have a mystery in our hands. One of the people in this room…stole my raccoon."

"What?" Hunter said in disbelief. "When did you get a fucking raccoon?"

"Hey, you don't get to ask the questions here! Watson, sit him down so I can question him."

Ted approached Hunter slowly. The Game just glared at the young Legacy member. "Touch me and die you little bastard," the Cerebral Assassin growled.

Ted gulped and looked back at Jeff. "I'm afraid to touch him."

Jeff rolled his eyes and pushed Hunter down into the nearest chair. "Where were you on the night of last night?"

"I was at my house watching TV,"

"Alone?"

"No, I was with Stephanie."

"Oh really? Are you sure you weren't in my house stealing my raccoon?"

"No! I didn't even know you had a damn raccoon!"

"And just for the record, I want to say I didn't steal the raccoon before you even ask," Shawn said.

Jeff glared at Shawn. "Oh really? Well where were you last night?"

"I was stealing lobsters from the grocery store."

Matt frowned. "Why were you stealing lobsters?"

Shawn just looked at him. "If I told you, I would have to kill you."

Jeff turned to Matt. "What about you? You were near my house last night."

"I was taking a walk."

"Taking a walk! A likely story. Watson, give him a titty twister!"

"Ted you better not--OW OW OW!" Matt screamed as Ted twisted his nipples really hard.

"Uh…how long do you want me to do this?" Ted asked.

"For as long as it takes for him to admit that he stole my raccoon!"

"I DIDN'T STEAL IT YOU BASTARD!" Matt jumped away from Ted. He rubbed his nipples gently. "Damn it Ted! That really hurt."

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry Watson," Jeff snapped. "One of these men is a raccoon thief." He put his pipe down on the table. "I must have it back. Michael Myers cannot function without me. He's a killer raccoon that will eat people's faces right off their heads."

Shawn looked scared. "Your raccoon really does that."

Matt rolled his eyes. "Jeff come on don't exagera--"

Suddenly a raccoon ran into the room and jumped on Matt's face. "Oh my God!" Matt yelled. He started running around the room like crazy. "Get it off! Get it off! It's trying to bite my face!"

Jeff's jaw dropped. "Bad Michael Myers! Bad! Don't eat Matty's face!"

"Somebody do something!" Shawn cried out.

Hunter tried to touch Michael Myers and he turned around snapped at Hunter. "Oh fuck that shit," the blonde said. "I'm not letting that thing bite me."

Ted finally managed to grab Michael Myers and tossed him across the room. Michael bounced off the wall and then managed to land on his feet.

"Watson!" Jeff yelled as Michael hid under the couch. "Why would you do that?"

"It was eating Matt's face!" Ted reminded him.

"So? That doesn't mean you throw poor Michael."

Matt looked at Jeff incredulously. "That's no reason to throw him? What the fuck man?"

"Sorry. I just love my raccoon." Jeff got down on his hands and knees and tried to coax Michael out from under the couch. "Come here boy. Nobody's going to hurt you anymore. Matt's sorry that his face looked so appetizing."

"Like hell I'm sorry!" Matt yelled. He grabbed a broom and turned the couch over violently. "Come here you little furry bastard!" He started trying to hit Michael with the broom.

"Matt stop it!" Jeff yelled as Matt chased his pet with the broom. "Leave Michael alone!"

Michael hissed evilly and lunged at Shawn. Shawn ducked and then he started chasing the raccoon. So Hunter and Ted watched as Shawn and Matt chased the evil raccoon from hell and Jeff was chasing both of them. It was quite a sight to see.

"So Watson," Hunter said slowly. "Aren't you glad you're here right now?"

Ted looked like he had no idea what to say. "I'm actually kind of scared."

Michael Myers lunged at Ted so hard that the young man went flying down to the ground. "Bad Michael!" Jeff yelled. "Don't attack Watson! Bad Michael!"

Hunter grabbed Shawn and tossed him over his shoulder. "Come on, we're getting out of here. The last thing we need to do is catch raccoon rabies."


	39. Super Powers Rock Most of the Time

Super Powers Rock…Most of the Time

Hunter held his sledgehammer high above his head. "I am Hunter, King of Kings! I look like Thor and I smash like Hulk!" He took his sledgehammer and started using it to hit anything and everything in his path. Hunter mad! Hunter smash!"

Shawn, Matt and Jeff came out of the cafeteria to see what was going down. "What the hell are you doing?" Shawn asked.

"I'm a superhero," Hunter told him. "I'm like a cross between Thor and Hulk."

"So you have super powers now?" Jeff asked. He stomped his foot and made a whining noise. "That's not fair! I want super powers!"

"So go get some," Hunter said. He started banging his sledgehammer against the wall. "I'm sure there are plenty left."

Matt groaned as Jeff ran off. "Why did you tell him that? Now he's never going to calm down and take his nap."

Hunter frowned. "He has to take a nap?"

"He didn't get enough sleep last night because some big nosed blonde bastard told him there was a psychic waiting for him under his bed to hijack his brain."

"I said I was sorry like ten times today! What more do you want me to say?"

"Guys!" Shawn interrupted. "What super power should I have?"

Hunter and Matt looked at each other before shrugging. "What super power do you want to have?" Matt asked.

"Uh…" Shawn started shifting from foot to foot as he tried to think of a really cool super power. "I want to be able to turn invisible." He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate before sighing in annoyance. "I can't do it when you guys are watching!"

Matt and Hunter rolled their eyes and turned around so they weren't facing Shawn. "So what super power do you want to have?" Hunter asked Matt as he destroyed a table with his sledgehammer.

"How about the power of sanity?" Matt suggested. "I'll be the only sane person in our little group of friends."

Hunter shook his head. "No way. Sanity is so totally gay." He started hitting his sledgehammer against the pop machine. "I think you should be Batman."

"Yes, because me dressed up as a giant bat is going to be a lot less gay than me just being sane."

"Oh come on Matt. You're dark and sexy like Batman. Hey Ted, Cody, come here for a second!"

The two youngest members of Legacy apprehensively approached Hunter. "If you need help with that killer raccoon again, you can just forget it," Ted said immediately.

"Don't worry, there's no killer raccoon this time," Hunter assured him. "I just want to know if you think that Matt would make a good Batman."

Cody frowned. "Why?"

"Just answer the question."

"Okay, uh…yeah, I guess so." Cody looked at Ted.

Ted just shrugged. "Yeah sure. Matt would be okay as Batman."

Hunter grinned and patted Matt on his shoulder. "See? You can be Batman, Ted can be Robin and Cody can be Batgirl."

Cody looked offended. "Why do I have to be Batgirl? I'm not even a girl!"

"He's right," Ted said. "He would be uglier in drag than Santino is. It's so obvious that I need to be Batgirl."

Cody stared at his friend incredulously. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Dude, Robin is so gay. And honestly, that would probably suit you better."

Matt and Hunter laughed as Cody slapped his friend.

Jeff came back to them. He now had a cape taped around his neck. "I'm going to fly," he informed them. "Hey Shawn, come watch me fly."

"Damn it!" Shawn yelled in frustration. "I can't be invisible when you look at me Jeff!"

"Jeff, you know you can't really fly right?" Matt asked as Jeff set up a ladder and started to climb up it. "Hunter doesn't really have super powers you know. He's just hitting things with his hammer. And Shawn isn't really invisible."

"Quiet you!" Shawn screamed. "I am invisible as long as you're not looking!"

Jeff stood on top of the ladder. "Ladies and gentlemen, this will not be a bird. It will not be a plane. It will be Jeffery Nero Hardy--the amazing flying Rainbow Boy!"

"Dude, that name is gayer than Cody over here," Hunter muttered.

"Hey!" Cody shouted.

"Oops, I meant Robin."

"Hunter, you are asking for it!"

"I'm assing for it? That's disgusting Rhodes. You need to stay away from my ass."

"Okay, here I go," Jeff said. He jumped off the ladder and tried to fly--but he only succeeded in doing a belly flop down to the floor.

Ted winced. "Oh that had to hurt."

Shawn nodded. He had temporarily stopped trying to say he was invisible. "I think we might have a situation here."

"Owie!" Jeff shouted. "That hurt!" He rolled over and kicked the ladder over. "Stupid thing!" He got up and yanked his cape off. "Dumb thing! It didn't help me fly!" He suddenly glared at Hunter. "You."

"Uh oh," Hunter said. He raised the sledgehammer to protect himself. "Jeff, let's think about this for a second."

"You lied about the super powers," Jeff growled. "YOU MUST DIE!"

Matt, Shawn, Ted and Cody watched as Hunter (who was still holding the sledgehammer) ran the hell away from Jeff. Jeff took off after him, but he wasn't running quite as fast as usual because of the nasty spill he had taken off the ladder. Finally, Shawn just sighed. "I think I know why I can't turn invisible. The lobsters took my powers."

The others turned around to look at him. "What?" they said in disbelief.

He grinned. "Sit down children and listen closely. This is an important tale that everyone needs to learn from. It's the tale of life, liberty, love…and lobsters. This story will be called…The Amazing Lobster Story."


	40. The Amazing Lobster Story

The Amazing Lobster Story

2 weeks ago

Shawn was eating a cherry Tootsie Roll Pop while staring at Jeff. "Dude, what are you doing?" he asked.

"Spinning of course," Jeff replied. He was sitting in a black desk chair, just spinning and spinning and spinning. "What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Making me sick," Shawn replied. He got up and looked out the window so he wouldn't get sick from staring at Jeff too long. That's when he saw something completely out of the ordinary. "Jeff! Come here! There's a giant lobster out here!"

"Yeah sure, whatever you say Shawn," Jeff said with a snort.

"I'm serious man! There's a giant lobster in the front yard!" Shawn looked at the lobster fearfully. It had to be at least ten feet tall and it looked really pissed off.

Jeff shook his head. "Shawn, stop being ridiculous. There are only giant monkies who destroy climb on the Empire State Building. Giant lobsters are too lame to exist."

_"Do not listen to your friend,"_ the giant lobster told Shawn. _"I'm as real as you are."_

Shawn squeaked. He was hearing voices in his head now. What was he now, Randy Orton? Oh God, that was a horrifying thought. "Who are you? What do you want?"

_"I am Lenny, the Lobster King. My people need your help Shawn."_

"Wait, lobsters are people now?" Shawn asked. He was so confused.

Lenny sighed. _"I'm using people in the general sense Shawn. Will you just get your ass out here? I don't have all night."_

"Shawn where are you going?" Jeff asked as Shawn started heading to the front door. "You're not going to leave me here all alone, are you?"

Shawn sighed. "I have to Jeff. The Lobster King is waiting."

"What Lobster King? There is no lobster outside! Why are you acting so weird? Shawn! Answer me! Don't you walk away from me bitch!"

Shawn ignored Jeff's temper tantrum and went outside so he could come to Lenny. He carefully climbed up the Lobster King's back. "Where are we going?" he asked.

_"To Lobster World,"_ Lenny explained. He jumped into the air and they were suddenly flying in the air. Now Shawn didn't know a lot of things, but last time he checked, lobsters couldn't fly. Then again, maybe since Lenny was the Lobster King, he could do whatever he wanted. On the way to lobster world, Shawn saw all kinds of things. Matt was fighting a giant chicken yet again, Hunter was stealing an ice cream machine, Jeff had actually left the house and was swiging from tree to tree like Spiderman."What the hell is gong on?" Shawn asked. "What are my friends doing?"

_"How do you know they're doing anythig Shawn?"_ Lenny asked. _"Maybe you're just seeing things."_

Shawn frowned. "Are you saying I'm hallucinating?"

_"I'm just saying that not everything is as it seems."_ Lenny flew them to the grocery store and practically threw Shawn off of him. _"My people are trapped inside of there. They need to be set free or my whole kingdom will collapse."_

"Well why don't you go in there and get them yourself?" Shawn asked. "You're the giant lobster here."

Lenny grinned (at least Shawn thought it was a grin. He couldn't be sure. Did lobsters even have mouths? Hmmm…he would have to ask Hunter later). _"Because that's your job Heartbreaker. Now go!"_

Shawn sighed as he went into the store. This was way too weird. "Oohh, magazines," he said happily. He started to look at what the covers said. "Britney and Kevin caught in bed together…oooh, how deliciously white trash! Lindsay Lohan: I am so alone. Aw, who cares? Um…Brad and Angeli—"

A small lobster came out of the magazine and snapped its pincer thing at him. "Ack! What the hell?"

_"The lobsters Shawn!"_ the tiny lobster ordered. _"Get the other lobsters!"_

"Okay! Okay! You don't have to get all pushy about it!" Shawn went to the back of the store and found the container the live lobsters were being kept. "Uh oh, that's glass," he muttered. "I need something to smash it with so I don't have to use my hands or feet. I don't want to get hurt here now." He looked around and saw Hunter's sledgehammer laying on the floor. "Wow, this is convienant." He picked it up and started smashing the glass. Unfortunately, he also smashed the lobsters up with it. "Uh oh," he muttered. "I think I—"

Now

"Stop!" Matt ordered. "Shawn, just stop for a second!"

Shawn stopped talking. "Why did you stop me? I didn't even get to the part where Lenny got mad and he made sure I could never turn invisible."

"Yeah Matt, you didn't even let him finish the story," Ted whined.

Matt shook his head. "Shawn, stop and think for a second. You said a Lobster King named Lenny told you to free the lobsters from the grocery store. Not only does this Lenny thing talk, but he flies as well. And Hunter's sledgehammer is convienantly at the grocery store just when you need it the most?"

"Well, it was kind of unconvienant since I killed the lobsters, but what's your point?" Shawn asked. "Are you trying to deny that I tried to liberate the lobsters?"

"By killing them?" Cody asked.

"Shut up Robin! Nobody asked you. Go suck on Batman or something."

Matt sighed. "Shawn, did Rob come to your house earlier that day?"

"Yeah."

"And what did you and Rob do?"

"We smoked some…" Shawn stopped as he remembered what he and Rob had smoked earlier that day. "Oh, never mind then."

"So none of that actually happened?" Ted asked. He sounded disappointed.

"Well I think I smashed the lobster thing with a sledgehammer," Shawn said slowly. "That would explain the vandalism charges I'm facing. But—"

"Get back here you liar!" Jeff screamed. He and Hunter came running back into the room. He now had the sledgehammer and he was trying to hit Hunter with it.

Matt sighed. "Oh boy, here we go again." He stood up. "Jeff, I'm coming to stop you! If you try to hit me with that damn thing, you're going to end up wearing your ass as a hat!"

Jeff stopped in his tracks. "Could you really do that?"

Matt shrugged. "I don't know. Do you want to find out?"

"No."

"Then sit down like a good boy. And from now on, make sure Shawn doesn't smoke anything Rob offers him."

"Okay."


	41. Hunter's Sons

Hunter's Sons

Hunter knocked on Randy's door. "Come on Randy, I know you're in there!" he yelled. "You can't hide from me forever!"

Randy finally opened his door. "You are not having him. You have been warping his brain and I don't like it."

"Hey, we agreed that if you got full custody of one, I got to see the other one!" Hunter protested. "Now stop being a filthy bitch and hand him over!"

"Did you just call me a filthy bitch?"

"Yes. What are you going to do about it?"

Randy shook his head. "I'm going to tell Stephanie about the stack of Playboys you've got hidden in your office."

"You better not you--"

"Hunter!" Ted yelled happily. He pushed Randy out of the way and hugged the blonde man. "I want ice cream but mean old Randy won't give me any!"

"I said you would get some after you eat dinner!" Randy growled.

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Yeah, like the kid wants to wait that long." He patted Ted on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it buddy. I'll give you all the ice cream you could ever want."

"But you're going to spoil his appetite!" Randy whined.

Ted giggled as he and Hunter left poor Randy behind. "He has a really girly whine."

Hunter smirked. "I know he does. I love making fun of him for it. And when I do, he whines even more and gets all pissy and bitchy. That's why I'm taking you under my wing. You have to be butch, since Cody is bitch enough for the entire locker room."

"So you're saying Cody's the bitch and I'm the butch?"

"Yes Grasshopper. Now let's go get ice cream."

When they got to Dairy Queen, they found Matt scolding Shawn and Jeff because they were getting hot fudge everywhere. "What is so hard about putting it in your mouth and just eating it?" the older Hardy asked angrily. "Honestly, I can't take you two anywhere!"

Hunter shook his head. "You see, this is why I like you Ted. You're as crazy and warped as I am, but you can at least eat your food properly."

"Hey, why do you have more sprinkles than I do?" Shawn asked. Jeff. He took his spoon and stole some of the younger man's sprinkles.

"You bastard!" Jeff yelled. He leapt off his chair and tackled Shawn to the ground.

"Stop that!" Matt ordered. "If I have to get up, you both will be sorry!"

Ted looked at Hunter. "Hey, you know what I want?"

"Sprinkles?"

"Well yeah, but I really want a baby brother now."

"You already have two brothers. And a sister named Cody."

Ted sighed impatiently. "Yeah, but I want another brother. Or maybe another sister. As long as they whine less than Cody, I don't care who they are."

Hunter nodded. "Okay, I think we can…" his voice trailed off as he saw something that he had never noticed before. "Holy crap!"

"What is it?" Ted asked.

"Since when has Rey Mysterio been Hispanic?"

Ted frowned. "Since forever. Dude, you just noticed this now? You've known him for how long?"

"Silence child!" Hunter snapped. He couldn't help that he had just had a massive blonde moment. "Rey's short! I'm too busy laughing at how much I tower over him to notice what he is." He looked at the person who was sitting with Rey. "What about him?"

"Evan Bourne?"

"Yes. You can have him as a brother and I can meet his brother Jason."

"Hunter, Jason Bourne is a fictional character in a series of books and movies."

Hunter glared at him. "I wouldn't say that in front of Evan if I was you. He could tell Jason and then Jason will kick your ass. Jason Bourne is an ass kicking machine." He led Ted over to Rey and Evan's table. "Hello boys."

"Oh God no," Rey groaned. "What do you want Hunter?"

"Ted and I want to adopt Evan here."

"Why?" Evan asked cautiously.

"Because you're tiny and I want to laugh at you."

Ted elbowed Hunter in the ribs. "That's not why you idiot! We want to because I want a brother."

"You have Mike and Brett," Rey reminded him. "Besides, isn't Cody like your adopted brother."

"Actually, he's more like my adopted sister."

Rey and Evan exchanged looks. "Cody is pretty girly."

"Yeah, but you don't want to run with Hunter," Rey warned him. "You're small like me. He might leave you stranded in the middle of a mall because he didn't see you weren't there with him."

"I said I was sorry like a thousand times Rey!" Hunter objected. "Let it go already!"

Ted pouted his lips. "Oh come on Evan. Puh-weeze be my baby brother."

Evan frowned. "What the hell is puh-weeze?"

Ted just kept pouting.

Evan sighed. "Okay. I know I'm going to regret this, but okay. I'll do it."

"Sweet!" Hunter exclaimed. "Let's celebrate! Ted, you and I will have a beer and we'll get some nice chocolate milk here for Evan."

Rey rolled his eyes. "He's not really a baby Hunter. He can drink a beer."

"Hey! Who's the father here?"

"THAT'S IT!" Matt roared. He grabbed Jeff and Shawn by the ears and started dragging them outside. "I'VE HAD IT!"

Hunter, Ted, Rey and Evan watched and listened as Matt dragged the whining Shawn and Jeff outside. After a moment of just staring, they looked back at each other. "I think Matt's the real dad here," Rey said.

Hunter had to nod along. How could he not after that little performance. He picked up Evan's ice cream and held it up. "To Matty! Not only is he father to us all, but he is banging two chicks at once."

"Do you have to bring that up every time you toast to him?"

Hunter rolled his eyes. "To quote Jeff: why WOULDN'T I bring that up every time I toast to him?" He looked at the window and screamed. "Ack! Jeff's naked again!"

Ted sighed. "That's it. I'm going to glue some clothes on to him. I'm not even joking."


	42. Grocery Shopping

Grocery Shopping

"Okay guys, listen carefully," Matt said to Shawn, Hunter and Jeff. "We are here to get what's on the list. That is all we are getting. Have I made myself perfectly clear?"

Jeff sighed. "Once again, Matty is trying to spoil the fun. It looks like I'm going to have to have some fun at his expense just to piss him off."

Shawn frowned. "Are you aware that you're saying that out loud?"

"I am? Oh crap. Forget you heard that Matty."

Matt rolled his eyes. "Yeah, like I'm dumb enough to do that. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a collar and a leash. "I know you better than that Jeff." He put the collar around his younger brother's neck and then attached the leash to the collar. "There! Now you can't run off and cause trouble."

Jeff made a high pitched whining noise. "Matty! That's not fair! I like running off and causing trouble!"

Hunter gave the older Hardy a strange look. "Do you always carry that around when you take Jeff to the store?"

Matt nodded. "You'll understand why once you start taking Ted and Evan with you wherever you go."

The four of them went into the store and found other WWE wrestlers already there. Carlito and Primo were taking on Miz and Morrison in an apple spitting contest. "Oh I am so doing this," Hunter said. He grabbed an apple and put it in his mouth.

"Hunter!" Matt scolded. "You're not just supposed to grab food and take a bite out of it!"

"Relax," Hunter said. "I'm making you pay for it later." He chewed it up and spit it out as hard as he could. Unfortunately, he got some in Carlito's hair.

"That is not cool," Carlito growled.

"Well if your hair wasn't so poofy, that wouldn't have happened."

"Donuts!" Jeff yelled. He had seen the bakery section of the store and he started trying to run over there. The only problem though was the fact that Matt still had a hold of his leash. "Let me go Matt! I want the donuts!"

"Yeah, like that's going to happen," Matt said as he rolled his eyes. "The last time I let you lose near the bakery section, you gave yourself a bellyache because you ate everything in sight."

"I know! That's the point! Until the bellyache happened, it was all fun and games!"

Shawn walked away from the group a little bit and found himself picking up a bottle of chili peppers. "These can't be as hot as everyone says they are," he muttered. He opened up the bottle and put one in his mouth. "Oh these aren't so--HOLY FUCKING HELL! MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE!" He spit out the pepper and started running around in circles. "HUNTER! HUNTER HELP ME! MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE!"

Hunter started to laugh. "Really? That's awesome."

"IT IS NOT AWESOME! I'M AM DYING OVER HERE! SWEET JESUS, SOMEBODY NEEDS TO HELP ME!"

"Okay, okay, we'll help you!" Matt said quickly. "Just stop screaming."

Jeff, Hunter and Matt helped Shawn get over to the dairy department. "Here Shawn, drink this," Hunter said. He handed Shawn a carton of milk.

Shawn opened it and drank it without looking at the label. A second later, he was spitting it out on the floor. "EW! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

"Buttermilk," Hunter replied. He was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down his face. "I can't believe you just drank that."

Shawn growled. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" He super kicked Hunter as hard as he could. Then he looked at Matt and Jeff. "WILL ONE OF YOU DO SOMETHING?"

Matt handed Shawn some chocolate milk. "Here, drink this and stop screaming at the top of your lungs. You're scaring the other customers."

Shawn drank about half of the milk at once. "That's better," he declared as he stopped so he could take a breath.

"Donuts!" Jeff whined. Now that Shawn was done acting like an idiot, it was time for him to whine for what he wanted. "I want donuts!"

"Well you're not getting any, so shut up!" Matt snapped.

Jeff frowned and pursed his lips. He was obviously thinking up some sort of plan. "MY MOUTH'S ON FIRE! MY MOUTH'S ON FIRE! IT BURNS MATTY AND THE ONLY CURE IS DONUTS!"

Matt rolled his eyes. "Nice try Jeff, but I'm not falling for it."

"Fine. I guess I'll have to do this the hard way then." Jeff kicked Matt between the legs and then took off running towards the bakery.

"Son of a bitch!" Matt yelled as he regained his composure. "Get back here you little bastard! You are so dead when I get my hands on you!"

Shawn watched Matt run off after Jeff and then he looked at Hunter as he was getting up to his feet. "Are you sorry for what you did?" he growled.

"Sorry?" Hunter repeated. "I'm going to take that buttermilk and shove more of it down your throat."

"Wrong answer." Shawn super kicked Hunter again. "I so totally rule," he said to himself. He looked at one of the nearby aisles. "Oooh, candy! I'm going to eat all the Skittles before Jeff gets to them!"


	43. Donuts, Skittles and Chaos

Donuts, Skittles and Chaos (Grocery Shopping Part 2)

"Donuts!" Jeff yelled as he went into the bakery. He knocked over several employees and started devouring every pastry in sight. There were so many donuts that it made his head spin (not literally of course--but it would have been cool if it did). There were glazed ones, chocolate ones, frosted ones, cinnamon ones, jelly ones, ones filled with cream and every other kind in between. "You!" he shouted, pointing at one of the poor employees. "Find me something to drink! I am getting thirsty from these donuts!"

"Jeffery Nero Hardy!" Matt yelled as he stormed over. He did not look happy. "I told you no fucking donuts!"

It was times like this that Jeff always asked himself one question: what would Jesus do? And right now, he had the perfect answer. "Be gone, Satan! Hello Jelly Donut!"

This stopped Matt in his tracks. "What?"

"I'm trying to turn you into a jelly donut."

"Why?"

"Because that's what Jesus would do."

"Jesus never turned anyone into a jelly donut."

"He did in my story."

"What story?"

"The one where Jesus, Satan and their two friends go to the grocery store and Satan puts Jesus on a leash so he can't go get donuts. And then Jesus kicks Satan in the nuts, gets the donuts, turns Satan into a donut and then eats it and then lives happily ever after."

Matt sighed and gave his brother a strange look. "Jeff, can you please be reasonable for two seconds? You're going to give yourself a stomachache if you eat all these donuts."

Jeff just shrugged. "So? What do I care? It's your job to take care of me when I don't feel good."

Another employee came running into the bakery. "Guys! You won't believe what's happening! Some guy wearing leather chaps is eating all the Skittles out of the candy aisle!"

Jeff gasped. Shawn! That traitorous bastard! That stupid Village People chap wearing reject knew he wanted the Skittles after he was done with the donuts! Oh he was so going to get it.

Matt recognized the look on his brother's face. "Okay Jeff, let's be reasonable for a minute.

Jeff hated being reasonable. Reason was so boring and stupid, just like Matt was. He ran out of the bakery and got to the candy aisle as fast as he could, jumping over an unconscious Hunter on the way. It looked like the bastard got kicked in the face a second time. The dumb bastard just never learned when to keep his mouth shut. Jeff would have stopped to feel sorry for him if he would have had the time. But at the moment, he had Skittles to rescue.

"Michael Shawn Hickenbottom!" Jeff shouted as he caught the Showstopper in the act of eating the Skittles, despite the employees best effort to stop him. "Put down my candy this instant!"

Shawn looked up in surprised. It sounded like he had suspected to have Matt find him, but having Jeff catch him in the act was much worse. "Oh crap."

"Oh crap is right," Jeff growled. He sounded so much like an angry Matt that it was scary. "You hand over those Skittles this INSTANT or there will be HELL TO PAY!"

Shawn gulped. He started to hand over the fruity candy, but his degenerative ways got the best of him. "Make me!" he shouted. He took off running as fast as he possibly could.

"Oh you bastard!" Jeff yelled. He began chasing after Shawn, fully intending on destroying the Heartbreak Kid once and for all.

As Jeff chased Shawn around the store, Matt found Hunter and helped him up to his feet. "Ugh, Shawn is so dead when I get my hands on him," Hunter groaned.

Matt patted him on the shoulder. "Well the only person you have to blame for you getting kicked is yourself."

"Don't bust my balls Hardy," Hunter growled. "Or I'll kick you in yours harder than Jeff did."

"Is that a threat?"

"No, it's a promise."

Shawn and Jeff came running by at that moment. Shawn finally turned around and threw the Skittles at Jeff. "Here! Take them! Just take them and stop chasing me!"

Jeff caught the Skittles and stopped running. "You see? Was that so hard?"

"Yes. Part of me is dead now that I have surrendered."

Matt looked around at the angry employees that were gathering around them. "Guys, I think we're about to get kicked out of here."

Hunter raised his eyebrows. "Really? What gave you that idea Matt?"

Shawn sighed. "Damn, this is the tenth grocery store we've been kicked out of this year. I'm starting to think we're doing things we're not supposed to be doing."

They all thought about that for a second and then started to laugh. That was the most ridiculous idea they had ever heard in their lives. How could causing chaos and having fun be wrong?


	44. Locker Room Destruction

Locker Room Destruction

"I'm bored," Jeff complained. He was chewing on a piece of his hair and looking at the others expectedly. "Somebody needs to entertain me."

"Entertain yourself," Matt said. He was trying to read a magazine.

"I can't entertain myself!" Jeff whined. "It's better when somebody does it for me."

"Slinky, slinky, everybody loves a slinky," Shawn sang. "Slinky, slinky, everybody loves a slinky." He stopped singing and looked at Hunter. "You didn't buy me a slinky like you were supposed to."

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Yeah, because I bought myself the new Guitar Hero game instead. Jeez Shawn, you act like I WANT to buy you crap."

Shawn sighed. "Well what am I supposed to do now? I'm as bored as Jeff is!"

Jeff grinned. "Wait a second, I just got an idea."

"Oh God no," Matt groaned.

"Quiet you!" Jeff took the magazine from Matt and threw it to the ground. "This is going to be fun. We're going to be the Destructors."

"The what?" Hunter asked in confusion.

"Jeff no," Matt objected. "I don't want to be a Destructor. Every time we do that, things get broken, people get pissed, and we get in trouble."

Jeff just grinned. "Well duh Matt, that's the point. God, you are so naïve sometimes." He looked at Shawn and Hunter. "The only thing you have to do to be a Destructor is destroy things."

Hunter snorted. "Well hell, we're good at that." He got up and put his arm around Shawn. "We've been doing it for years."

Shawn glared at him. "You're not allowed to touch me until you buy me a slinky."

Jeff plopped down on Matt's lap and pouted at him. "Please play with us Matty? I'll be sad if you don't."

Matt sighed. "Fine, but if we get in trouble, I'm letting you take all the blame."

"Okay!" Jeff agreed. He got off of Matt and started heading to the door. "Let's go guys! We need to start right now!"

"Hold on a second," Hunter ordered. He grabbed his sledgehammer and held it up in the air. "NOW we can go."

The four friends went out into the hallway. Hunter immediately took his hammer and started hitting anything within his reach. Jeff took a bottle of spray paint out of his jacket pocket and handed it to Matt before throwing his own body around in an effort to break stuff. Meanwhile, Shawn decided to go with an old standby and super kick anyone in his path.

"It's a super kick, super kick, it's super kicky yeow!" Shawn sang as he kicked every innocent bystander unlucky enough to be in his way.

Matt started spray painting things on the wall. At first he was just doing random patterns and stuff, but then he decided to get a little creative with it. "Hmmm….I should see if I can paint me kicking Jeff's ass," he said to himself. "That would look really good right there."

Jeff heard him and started to laugh. "Good luck with that Matty," he said as he overturned a table. "You suck at painting. It's just going to look like crap."

Matt glared at him. "How about I spray paint you in the eyes? How would you like that?"

Rey Mysterio walked by at that point. "What the hell are you guys doing?" he asked.

"Kicking you in the face," Shawn said innocently. And that's what he did before poor Rey could fully process that piece of information.

Hunter frowned. "I don't think it's politically correct to kick a midget in a face."

"Well when have we ever worried about being politically correct?" Shawn asked.

"Good point."

Jeff kicked open a door to one of the locker rooms and found himself running into Legacy's locker room. "I kill you!" Jeff yelled as he speared Cody. He got back up and started hurling himself all around the room, scaring the shit out of Ted and Randy. "I kill you! I kill you! I kill you!"

"What the fuck is he doing?" Ted whispered to Randy.

Randy shook his head. "I don't know. Just back away slowly and avoid eye contact. You're screwed if you make eye contact with him."

"Aw, you don't want to make eye contact with me?" Jeff asked. He sounded like he wanted to cry. "Why not? I have pretty eyes. Do you want to touch them?"

"No!" the two remaining members of Legacy said.

"Can I touch yours then?"

"No!"

"Too bad! I'm going to anyways!"

As Jeff began to chase them around, Hunter was still destroying things with his hammer, Matt was failing to make a good picture with his spray paint and Shawn was still kicking people. But there was one thing they had forgotten in their quest to be the ultimate Destructors. They had forgotten who really ran the locker room, and what he could possibly think about all of this.

"What the hell are you idiots doing?" Undertaker yelled. He came out of his dressing room and he did not look happy. "Why are you always pulling this crap when I am in a bad mood? Do you have a death wish or something?"

Hunter, Shawn and Matt looked at each other. "Uh…maybe," Hunter said with a shrug. "But only if we get to be like cool vampires or something."

Shawn gasped. "Don't give him ideas!" he whispered to his best friend. "He'll destroy us if you give him too many ideas!"

Jeff stopped chasing Randy and Ted and walked up to Undertaker. "You have very scary eyes," he said. "Can I touch them?"

There was a long pause as everyone watched Undertaker stare at Jeff. The Deadman finally just sighed and pulled out a dollar. "Just go get a thing of Skittles and leave me the hell alone," he ordered.

Jeff took the dollar and grinned. "Yay! I got a dollar! I win the game of Destructors!"

Matt threw down his spray paint can and sighed. "That's it, I hate painting. I suck at it."

As Matt stormed off and Jeff went to go get his Skittles, Shawn turned to Hunter. "Well we're all alone again. I think you should go buy me the Slinky I want now."

Hunter sighed. "Will you shut up if I do it?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Let's get your slinky then."


	45. The Return of Drunk Matt

The Return of the Drunk Matt

"TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME! TAKE ME OUT TO THE CROWD! BUY ME SOME PEANUTS--" Matt stopped singing and burst out laughing. "Nuts! Someone needs to buy me some nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Buy my nuts! I don't charge much, I swear!"

Hunter looked at Jeff fearfully. "How much tequila did you give him?"

"A lot," Jeff admitted. He had been tired of Responsible Matt always getting in his way, so he had gotten his brother drunk in an attempt to get the bastard off his back.

"Shawn!" Matt hollered, scaring the shit out of the Heartbreak Kid. "Do you want to buy my nuts? They're big and salty."

Shawn looked like he had no idea what to do. "Uh…no thank you," he said slowly. "I uh…don't like nuts."

"Are you sure?" Matt asked. "I could give you two nuts and foot long wiener."

"Matt!" Jeff exclaimed. "I'm ashamed of you! I've seen you running around naked while drunk a thousand times and I know you don't have a foot long wiener."

"Yeah Matt," Hunter said. "Don't confuse yourself with me."

Jeff snorted. "Yeah, you wish buddy. I've seen you too and I think Matt's bigger than you are."

"No he's not!"

"Guys, can we please change the subject?" Shawn asked. "I really don't want to hear this discussion."

Matt started to giggle like an idiot. "Jeff! Hey Jeff!"

Jeff sighed. "Yes Matt?"

"Your hair is a rainbow." His eyes suddenly widened. "Taste the rainbow! Skittles!"

"Wait, there's Ski--OW!" Jeff yelped in pain as Matt tried to eat his hair. "There are no Skittles in my hair Matthew!"

Shawn chuckled. "I think he thinks your hair is the Skittles."

"I don't give a shit what he thinks! Just get him off of me!"

Hunter and Shawn reluctantly pulled Matt off of Jeff. "No!" Matt whined. "I must eat the Skittles!"

"We'll get you different Skittles," Hunter promised him. "We'll get you ones that don't taste like hair dye, okay?"

Matt pouted his lips. "But it's not fair! I want the hair dye Skittles!" He started trying to go after Jeff again, but he ended up falling on his face instead. "OW! I hurt myself Jeff!"

"Good," Jeff snapped. He rubbed his hair gingerly. He was now regretting bringing drunk Matt back. "I hope you broke something."

Matt looked up at his little brother with a shock and hurt look on his face. "Why do you hate me?" he cried. "I didn't do nothing to you!"

Shawn sighed and helped Matt up to his feet. "See what you did Jeff? You made him cry! You're a monster!"

Jeff grinned. "I like monsters." He curled up his fingers so they looked like claws and put his face just inches from Matt's. "Rawr!"

Matt just laughed. "Monster's are cool," he mumbled. He started stumbling away from them, and he started getting angry when he realized they were following him. "What are you doing?" he whined, nearly tripping and falling on his own face again. "You people don't need to follow me. I don't want you around me. I can't breathe when you guys are around."

"Well we're not letting you go off alone," Hunter informed him.

"Why not?"

"You're drunk."

"Well I'm sexy, so that makes it ago." Matt started laughing and dancing around. "If you want my body, if you think I'm sexy, come on sugar let me know!"

Shawn sighed and shook his head. "Why does he always have to sing when he's drunk? He's not good at it sober, so why is he subjecting us to it now?"

"Because he can," Hunter replied. "He knows we can't stop him when he's like this. He's like the Engergizer Bunny: he just keeps going and going and--"

"Oooh, look at the pretty colors!" Matt yelled suddenly. He ran at the wall full blast and hit his head against it so hard that he bounced off of it and fell on his ass. The blow almost knocked him out, but he managed to stay conscious.

Jeff shook his head. "What the hell did you do that for, you idiot?"

"I saw pretty colors," Matt slurred out. He somehow managed to get back up to his feet, even though he almost fell over several times. "But they're all gone now. They went bye bye." His eyes rolled in the back of his head and he passed out completely. The other three didn't bother to catch him, so he hit his head again, only this time he hit it on the floor.

"Finally," Hunter said. "I thought he would never pass out." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a marker. "You guys ready?"

Jeff and Shawn pulled out their own markers. "We never thought you'd ask," Jeff said. He now had an evil look on his face. "Let's make Matty pretty."

XXXXXXX

Matt woke up the next morning on the floor with a headache from hell. He slowly got up and stumbled into the bathroom. "Fucking stupid friends couldn't even help me get on a couch or something," he muttered. He stepped in front of the mirror and immediately groaned. The others had taken the liberties to draw all over his face, and 'I love Cock' was written right in the middle of his forehead. "Oh you bastards are dead!"


	46. Matt's Revenge

Matt's Revenge

"Guys, I'm kind of scared," Jeff said as he, Shawn and Hunter ate some ice cream. "Matt's been acting weird since we wrote on him after he passed out drunk. I think he's planning on getting us back somehow."

Hunter frowned. "Well why would he do that? We were just having fun."

"You wrote "I love cock" on his forehead," Shawn reminded his long time friend. "I'd be mad too if I were him."

"Oh come on! I just did that to be funny! He doesn't need to take everything all personally."

"Maybe we should apologize," Shawn suggested. "Maybe then he won't do anything to get back at us."

Jeff snorted. "Come on Shawn, let's be serious here for a minute. Apologizing means admitting we did something wrong, and I don't think we did. I think what we need to do is force him not to get back at us."

"And how will we do that?" Hunter asked.

"Uh…I don't know. I was hoping you guys would come up with that plan. I'm not good at making plans like that."

"Well we could…" Hunter's voice trailed off as Matt came into the room. "Oh shit, this isn't good."

Matt grinned pleasantly at them. "Hi guys, what's going on?"

"I don't want to die!" Shawn screamed as he hid behind Hunter. "Don't let him kill me buddy!"

"Matty don't hurt me," Jeff begged. "I'll be good from now on, I promise!"

Matt held up his hands. "Relax you guys, I'm not here to hurt anyone."

"Really?" Jeff said hopefully.

"Really really," Matt said with a nod. "In fact, I wanted to give you guys a present for getting me so damn good the other day. I'm just going to get it from the hallway."

Hunter frowned. "Why do I have the feeling that he's so totally lying?"

Matt came back in and he now was hiding something behind his back. "Boys, I would like to present to you Maria's lovely dog Mr. Kettles!" He took the poodle out from behind his back and set it down on the ground. "Oh, and I should tell you, he now has a taste for Skittles, cowboy boots and leather jackets."

"No!" Shawn screamed as Matt quickly left the room and locked the door behind him. He jumped on Hunter's back and glared at the small dog. "Don't let him get me! He's evil!"

Hunter rolled his eyes. He had never had an encounter with Maria's crazy dog, so he had no idea just how dangerous the animal really was. "Oh come on, he's a cute little thing." He reached down to pet the dog. "I'm sure he won't hurt us."

Mr. Kettles began to growl. Hunter looked startled by that, but he quickly became even more startled by the fact that Mr. Kettles started biting him because he was wearing his leather coat. "OW!" Hunter screamed. He tried to take his arm back, but Mr. Kettles would not let go. As a result of that, Hunter ended up dangling Mr. Kettles in mid-air. "GET HIM OFF ME! GET THIS CRAZY FUCKING ANIMAL OFF OF ME!"

Jeff grabbed Mr. Kettles and tried to pull him off of Hunter. "Come on boy, stop that! Hunter is not a chew toy!"

"Jeff, your Skittles are about to fall out of your pocket!" Shawn cried out.

As soon as Mr. Kettles heard the word "Skittles", he immediately began attacking Jeff instead. Jeff screamed as the crazy canine began stuffing its nose in his pocket. "Somebody stop him!" he pleaded. "He's going to get my candy!"

Shawn tried to help by attempting to kick Mr. Kettles right in the face (even though that really constituted as cruelty to animals). But Mr. Kettles scrambled up Jeff's body at the last second, which led to the Rainbow Haired Warrior being kicked right in the fingers. "Owie! Shawn! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I was aiming for the dog! I didn't mean to kick you!"

Mr. Kettles took advantage of his opportunity by sneaking back down, getting Jeff's Skittles out of his pocket and then jumping down to run around the room with them. "NO!" Jeff yelled angrily. "YOU GIVE THOSE BACK RIGHT NOW!"

Hunter groaned as he tried to help Jeff get his candy back. "I hate this fucking dog! I am not even joking right now!"

Shawn tried to jump on the dog to make it stop, but Mr. Kettles moved out of the way. As Shawn fell to the ground, Mr. Kettles took a bite at his shoes. But as Jeff tried to capitalize on the distraction, Mr. Kettles turned around and took a bite out of something else: Jeff's hand.

Jeff screamed in pain and ripped his hand out of Mr. Kettles' grip. "Damn it! I've had it with this mother fucking dog!" He ran to the door and started pounding on it. "Let us out Matt! You let us out right now!"

XXXXXXXXX

Matt grinned as he listened to all the screaming that was going on in the room he was standing outside of. He was very pleased with what he had done. That would teach his stupid friends to mess with him while he was drunk. "I am so awesome for coming up with this plan," he said to himself. He would have patted himself on the back, but that would have been too weird, even for him. "I am the fucking king!"

Maria and Candice walked over to him. "Have you seen Mr. Kettles?" Maria asked. "I can't find him anywhere."

Matt just kept grinning. "Mr. Kettles is taking care of some business for me." He unlocked the door and opened it just in time for Jeff, Hunter and Shawn to run screaming out of the room. Mr. Kettles, who had a chewed up bag of Skittles in his mouth, stopped chasing the three wrestlers to sit by Maria's leg. "Ria, I hate to say this, but I think I like your evil dog now," Matt said. "I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship."


	47. Scary Stories

Scary Stories

"What the hell are we doing out here?" Shawn asked. He, Hunter and Jeff had come over to Matt's house and now they were all sitting around a campfire, in the woods, in the dark. "This is really creepy. I want to go inside now."

Matt shook his head. "Nobody's going anywhere right now. We're going to sit out here and tell scary stories to each other."

Hunter snorted. "What are we now, like five or something? What grown men do this?"

Jeff grinned. "Well what grown men wear Scooby Doo boxers?"

"They were a gift from you jackass! You wouldn't stop hitting me until I put them on!"

Matt snorted. "Keep telling yourself that Hunter."

"I will, thank you very much!"

Shawn raised his hand. "I want to tell my story first."

"Oh God, this is going to be stupid," Jeff muttered.

Shawn looked offended. "No it won't!"

"Yes it will!"

"Matt!"

Matt sighed. "Jeff, shut up right now." He looked at Shawn. "You can tell your story."

"Thank you." Shawn cleared his throat dramatically. "Once upon a time, there was a girl who was babysitting at a neighbor's house--"

"And she got a lot of a strange calls from a creep that was inside the house," Hunter interrupted.

Shawn's jaw dropped. "Hunter!"

"Dude, we just watched _When a Stranger Calls_ last night. That was the exact story you were about to tell."

Jeff glared at Matt. "You know, one time, I was playing around with Matty and I pretended to be a stranger in the house. And the idiot here clocked me in the head with a frying pan."

"Well you shouldn't have come at me with a knife," Matt said defensively.

"It was a plastic one!"

"Well I didn't know that at the time, now did I?"

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Guys, listen to my story. Mine is awesome."

"Oh Lord, this is going to be completely inappropriate, isn't it?" Shawn asked.

"Maybe," Hunter confessed.

Matt threw his hands up in the air out of frustration. "Dude, we're supposed to be telling scary stories!"

"Well this is a scary and inappropriate story," Hunter insisted. He had a very serious look on his face. "I'm going to tell you the Legend of Marie Van Dick Slicer."

Jeff and Shawn looked worried. "Marie Van whatta?" Jeff asked fearfully.

Matt buried his face in his hands. "Oh God, this is going to be so stupid."

"Marie Van Dick Slicer," Hunter said quietly. He looked like he really believed the crap he was saying. "You see, about fifty years ago, Marie, her boyfriend and their friends were camping in these very woods. Marie's boyfriend Clay Media and her best friend Sally Sucks A'Lot went to go get some firewood."

"Hunter, I'm begging you to stop," Matt pleaded.

Jeff glared at his older brother. "Dude, shut up! This is just getting good!"

"Anyway, Clay and Sally were gone a very long time and Marie started to get worried. So she went out to search for them, thinking something bad had happened to them. But as it turned out, they had stopped to have lots of hot, sweaty sex with each other."

Shawn winced. "I knew this was going to be inappropriate."

Hunter continued like he hadn't heard his best friend. "When Marie saw that, she went absolutely insane with rage. She killed Clay and Sally, mutilated their bodies and then fed them to bears so they wouldn't ever be found."

"That's disgusting," Jeff whispered.

Hunter nodded. "It is. And the thing is, Marie never regained her sanity after that night. She just stayed a raving lunatic, and even after all these years, she goes to all the woods across America, just looking for poor men so she can cut their dicks off."

Shawn and Jeff were hanging on his every word while Matt just looked like he regretted even doing this. "How do we know she's coming?" Shawn asked fearfully.

Hunter looked around before leaning forward and whispering out the answer. "She screams before she comes to kill."

Not two seconds later, a woman screamed from somewhere not very far away from then. Matt groaned as Shawn fainted and Hunter's jaw dropped in shock.

"IT'S MARIE VAN DICK SLICER!" Jeff screamed. He jumped up and started running away. "SHE SCREAMS BEFORE SHE--" The rest of his sentence was cut off by him running headfirst into a low hanging branch and knocking himself unconscious.

Beth came sprinting into their little camp. "There was a snake!" she said as skidded to a stop. "A big huge snake!" She looked at Shawn and Jeff. "What happened to those two?"

"They thought you were Marie Van Dick Slicer," Matt explained. "So Shawn fainted and Jeff knocked himself unconscious trying to run away."

"Well who's Marie Van Dick Slicer?"

"Someone I made up in my scary story," Hunter said. He knelt over Shawn and tried to slap his old friend back into consciousness. "God Beth, for a minute, I thought that there really was some old hag out here to cut our dicks off."

Beth glared at him. "Are you saying I scream like an old hag?"

"Well yeah, why else would you scare the shit out of us?"

That was the wrong thing to say. Beth broke a switch off the nearest tree and started hitting the Game with it. "You take that back!" she yelled angrily. "Take that back right now!"

Jeff woke up as Hunter tried to run away and Beth chased after him. "What happened Matty?" he asked as he rubbed his head. "What happened to the dick slicing lady?"

"It was just Beth," Matt said as he revived Shawn.

Jeff looked horrified. "Beth is Marie Van Dick Slicer?"

Matt rolled his eyes and slapped his brother across the face. "No you fucking idiot! Beth was the one who screamed because she saw a snake. And then Hunter told her she screamed like an old hag and now he has to run away from her because she's whipping him with a switch.

Shawn sat up and shook his head. "Hunter's not very smart," he said matter of factly.

Matt snorted. "No shit."

Jeff slowly stood up. "Matty?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to tell scary stories anymore."

"Me neither. I want to go watch Beth destroy Hunter."

"Me too," Shawn said.

Jeff grinned as the three men went to go find where Beth and Hunter had run off too. "My girlfriend's going to kill him," he sang out happily. "And I get to watch!"

"And if she really does kill him, we'll tell Stephanie Marie Van Dick Slicer got him," Shawn said. "Agreed?"

"Agreed," the Hardys said with a nod. They wouldn't want Beth to get in trouble after all.


	48. Back Inside the Mind of the Enigma

Back Inside the Mind of the Enigma

**June 7, 2009**

**Am very upset right now. I just got screwed out of my damn title by that dirty rotten CM Punk! The bastard took it from me! Matt's trying to tell me to calm down and he's trying to remind me that it's all a storyline, but I think there's more to this than everyone else even knows. I think Punk is an evil alien that has brainwashed the creative team into giving him my belt. *Gasps!* Oh God, if he can brainwash them, that means he could get Matt and Shawn and Hunter if I don't stop him!**

**Two hours later**

**My confrontation with Punk was very enlightening. I walked up to him (wearing a football helmet to protect my brain of course--despite what Edge says, I am not a moron) and I called him out on what he really was. "I know what you are," I growled.**

**He tried to look innocent. "What the hell does that mean?"**

**"You are a brain washing, title stealing alien!" I shouted angrily. I didn't care if people were staring at me like I was crazy. I was way beyond pissed. "And don't try to deny it because I can see through your lies, you UFO! I know why they gave you my title!"**

**Punk just looked at me with the dumbest expression on his face. "Have you gone completely fucking insane? I mean really, I want to know so I can tell Matt what he needs to deal with."**

**"You stay away from Matt!" I shouted angrily. "You take his brain and I'll kill you!" I kicked the bastard in the shins and then ran away. I was going to have to look up how to destroy aliens before I make my next move. I don't want him to take me up on his spaceship and do weird things to me. Because he so would you know. He's a pervert like that."**

**XXXXXXXX**

**June 8, 2009**

**Have been researching aliens all day by watching **_**Men in Black, Men in Black 2, Alien, **_**and **_**Independence Day**_**. And I now know how to get rid of Punk. Will Smith must kill him. Will Smith is a bad mother fucker and he could kick Punk's alien ass any day of the week. But of course I didn't know how I was going to get him do to it. I mean, he's probably got a lot of people trying to get him to kill aliens for him. But then again, I'm a famous wrestler, so he might do it for me.**

**Matt walked in as I was trying to find Will Smith's phone number. He knows I'm up to something, but he doesn't know what yet. "I'm not going to tell you what I'm up to," I informed him.**

**"Oh yes you will," he countered. "Punk told me you accused him of being an alien and if I know you, you're planning on doing something about it."**

**I glared at him. He was always such a fucking know it all. I had to make him go away before he spoiled my plans completely. "Maria and Candice want to paint your room pink," I blurted out.**

**Matt's face turned a funny color. "They want to what?" he said in disbelief.**

**"They want to paint your room pink," I repeated. "They think it will give the room more character."**

**I had personally never seen Matt more horrified in my life. "Damn it to hell!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "I told them to leave my room alone!"**

**I laughed as he stormed off. "What a maroon," I said under my breath as I went back to trying to get a hold of Will Smith. I had an alien to destroy after all.**

**XXXXXXXXX**

**June 9, 2009**

**Okay, so this Will Smith plan is not working out. According to his agent, he is just an actor and doesn't actually kill aliens in his spare time. I'm pissed and I'm thinking about suing because of false advertising. I mean, who the fuck only kills aliens in movies? Come on Will: the real world needs protecting too!**

**Aw fuck it, I'll find someone else to help me take down Punk. It can't be Matt because he won't do it, no matter how much I annoy him. Hunter's busy trying to get Stephanie pregnant yet again and Shawn's too scared of getting an anal probe to go near an alien (although I doubt he even knows what one of those are). So who does that leave me? Well, I've thought and thought about it, and I've come up with the perfect answer: Shelton Benjamin. I mean, he kind of looks like Will Smith…okay, maybe not, but who cares? The important thing is that he's dumb enough to let me morph him into a kick ass alien killer, which is good enough for me.**

**Oh, and I also found out from Beth that if I don't stop talking about candy in my sleep, I'm going to have to start sleeping on the couch. Am now pouting and wanting to call her a bad name, but I won't because she's holding a broom and she will hit me with it. Damn witch…**

**XXXXXXXXXXXX**

**June 10, 2009**

**Mother fucking hell! Fate is not on my side! Shelton's home visiting his momma, so now I have nobody to help me destroy Phil. You know what? Fuck this. I'm just going to have to do this myself. I am going to be the white version of Will Smith. Now if you can excuse me, I have an alien to kill and a title to reclaim.**

_**Two hours later**_

_**Jeff, honey, this is Beth. Phil is not an alien. I have been telling you that for the last several days, but obviously you have not been listening. So I figured maybe if I wrote it down, you would read it. At least I hope you will. Oh, and honey, I read your diary earlier and I warned Shelton to run away. There's no need for him to get involved in your weirdness. I also warned Phil so I don't think you're going to find him.**_

_**Oh by the way, Shawn thinks you took his new Guitar Hero game. If you did, please give it back. You know it's not nice to steal.**_

**XXXXXXX**

**June 11, 2009**

**Beth's plan has failed! I found Phil and I hit him over the head with a shovel, tied him up and then left him in a room where there was a TV that was only playing Hannah Montana reruns. You see, because it's not murder if his own head just combusts from that crappy show. Just because I know Phil's an alien doesn't mean anyone else would believe me (and yes Beth, I'm talking to you, you diary reading bat). Oh, but the best part is, I stole my title back! It's mine again and I'm never letting it go!**

**Oh, and on a side note, I don't have Shawn's fucking Guitar Hero game. Hunter took it--he is the culprit in this situation. I really wish you people would not blame me when stuff goes missing. Just because I occasionally like to borrow stuff without permission and not give it back does not mean I'm a thief. I am just a borrower.**

**XXXXXXXXX**

**June 12, 2009**

**Okay, I lied: I do have Shawn's Guitar Hero game. And I'm not sorry that I took it. MAWAHAHAHA!**

**Oh fuck, wait a second--Phil's still alive and he looks pissed. Gotta run before he tries to take me and do weird experiments on me on his spaceship!**


	49. The Return of the Brownies

The Return of the Brownies

"Guys I feel funny," Shawn complained. He and the others were sitting in Matt's living room, eating the special brownies Rob had given them as a present.

"Do you feel guilty for stealing one of my brownies?" Hunter asked. He was glaring daggers at his best friend. "Because that's what you did, you stupid son of a bitch!"

Matt giggled like a crazed chipmunk on crack. He tried several times to say something, but he failed miserably.

Jeff looked at everyone solemnly. "Guys, I have a problem. My house is haunted."

Shawn's eyes widened. "Really? Why do you say that?"

"Because every time I go in there, all I hear is "Jeff, clean up your mess! Jeff, don't leave your candy everywhere! Jeff, take out the trash! Wash the car Jeff!" Jeff's eyes were as wide as they could get. "And the funny thing is, the ghost sounds EXACTLY like Beth. I'm telling you guys, it's fucking crazy!"

"Does that make me crazy?" Matt began singing loudly and off key. "Does that make me crazy?"

"You want to know what sounds good right now?" Hunter asked suddenly. "Bugles. I want some Bugles."

Shawn shook his head. "I don't think that's a ghost Jeff. I think it's Beth who's telling you all those things. Rebecca does that to me a lot. She thinks just because I come home, it means that I'm going to start helping her with the chores and stuff. And I've told her a million times that I am the Showstopper! The Main Event! The Heartbreak Kid! I…wait, what were we talking about again?"

Hunter got to his feet and ran into the kitchen. "Damn it!" he yelled a couple of minutes later. "There are no Bugles in here."

"Guys! Guys! Watch this! You need to watch this!" Matt held his hands up and stomped his feet until Jeff and Shawn looked at him. That was when he smacked himself in the face as hard as he possibly could.

Jeff began to laugh so hard that he started to snort uncontrollably. "Dude! That was awesome!"

Shawn couldn't even form words. He just rolled around on the floor, howling in laughter and clutching his stomach.

Hunter came back into the room with a package of hot dogs. "I couldn't find the Bugles," he said sadly. "So I'm going to eat these instead." He stopped in his tracks when he realized they were all laughing. "What's going on? Why are you people laughing? Were you guys making fun of me? You better just tell me right now or I'll beat you with my sledgehammer!"

Matt just smacked himself in the face again, laughing as he knocked himself on the floor. That made Shawn and Jeff laugh even more.

Hunter just frowned as he sat back down. "You guys are really weird," he said as he shoved one of the hot dogs in his mouth.

Jeff pointed at Hunter and got a smug smile on his face. "Hunter likes wieners! Hunter likes wieners!"

Shawn smacked Jeff on the arm. "Quiet! That's completely immature!" He was silent for a second before giggling again. "Wiener! Wiener!"

Hunter rolled his eyes. "I don't care what you guys say. These wieners are really good. I'm going to eat every wiener that comes my way and that's the bottom line because the Game said so."

Matt picked himself up off the floor and got back on his chair. "You can't steal Stone Cold's lines," he said in a serious voice. "It's against the law."

"Yeah!" Jeff agreed. He kept nodding his head over and over again, which probably meant he hadn't really been paying attention to the conversation and he was nodding just to nod. "The police could come and arrest you!"

Hunter cocked his head to the side. "Well if they come to arrest me, won't they take all of you too? We've been eating the special brownies that the government doesn't want us to have. They could take us all to jail and then we'll end up being a bunch of bitches."

Shawn, Matt and Jeff all exchanged horrified looks. They hadn't thought of that before. "Oh crap!" Jeff exclaimed. "We're screwed!"

Matt stood up and looked back at his ass. "No, not yet. I have not been screwed yet."

Shawn got up to his feet and began putting things in front of the door. "Lock the doors! Close the binds! Move furniture around so nobody can get in and hide the babies! The police could be anywhere!"

Hunter looked around in confusion. "Wait, what babies?"

"The brownies! The brownies are the babies!"

Jeff's face lit up. "Really?" He picked up the pan that held the few remaining brownies and cradled it like it really was a baby. "Aw, look at it Matty? Isn't it adorable? It has my eyes!"

Matt took his finger and put his finger through the brownies. "Ha ha! I poked out your eyes!"

Jeff's face darkened. "You bastard!" He set the pan down and tackled his brother to the ground. It only took a couple of seconds for them to start wrestling on the ground.

"Damn it people, there's not time for that!" Hunter yelled. "This house is going to be turned into Fort Knox! Do you hear me? Fort fucking Knox!"

Matt and Jeff stopped fighting. "Who's Fort Knox?" Jeff asked. "Is he related to Mike?"

"Just shut up and help me and Shawn barricade the door!" Hunter snapped. "We need to make sure nobody gets in! We must save ourselves from the evil of the police! We must not get turned into bitches! Bitches I tell you! Bitches!"

XXXXXXXXX

Several hours later, Beth, Candice and Maria had to break into the house through a window because the doors wouldn't open, even when they got them unlocked. "I swear to God, I am going to murder those boys," Beth muttered as she helped Candice and Maria get in. "I'm not even joking right now."

"Why would they barricade the doors?" Maria asked. "What the hell could they be doing?"

Candice led them into the living room, which was where they found the boys all passed out in the living room, an empty pan of brownies in the middle and the movie _Fantasia_ playing on the television. "Oh boy," she said. "I think they got into the brownies again."

Beth groaned. "That is it! I have had it! I am putting a stop to these damn brownies! I am not doing this anymore! As soon as they wake up, I am whipping them into shape even if it's the last thing I do!"


	50. Boot Camp

Boot Camp

"I'M BLIND!" Jeff screamed in a voice so loud that it probably had the power to wake the dead. "MATT HELP ME! I'M BLIND AND I CAN'T SEE!"

"You are not blind!" Matt snapped irritably. "We just woke up in a dark room that is obviously not our hotel room."

"And why would you say that you were blind and can't see in the same sentence?" Hunter asked. "You're basically repeating yourself there dude."

Jeff glared at him even though the blonde couldn't see it. "You know what asshole? You can just shut up over there. If I want to repeat myself, I damn well will."

"Hey! What did I tell you about cussing?" Shawn asked.

"I don't know. I wasn't listening."

Matt sighed and rolled his eyes. "How typical Jeffery. Why can't you ever listen to what anyone says?"

"Because you people never have anything interesting to say," Jeff replied honestly.

The lights suddenly came on and the boys blinked as their eyes tried to get used to the sudden transition. When they finally could see clearly, their jaws dropped in shock. Standing before them were Stephanie, Beth, Candice, Maria and Rebecca. The girls were dressed like drill sergeants and they were all holding whips like a dominatrix would use.

Hunter rubbed his eyes to make sure he was seeing this right. "Hey girls," he said slowly. "Are we about to take part in some kinky role playing orgy that I was not aware I would be participating in?"

Stephanie shook her head. "Nope, sorry Hunter. There will be no orgy tonight."

"Damn it."

Shawn glared at him. "Wait, you actually want all of us to have an orgy?"

"Don't answer that question," Matt said before Hunter could speak. "I don't even want to know."

Jeff looked at the girls in confusion. "What's going on here? Why are all of you dressed like that?"

"We're dressed like this because this room is officially your boot camp," Beth explained. "I am sick of coming home to find you guys freaking out and being weird because you ate Rob's brownies. It is causing me way too many headaches to be worth it."

Jeff frowned. "Okay first of all, I'm not even wearing boots, so this camp is completely pointless for me. Second of all, us eating the brownies is not causing you to have headaches. The little headache gnomes living in your brain are causing them."

Rebecca looked at him incredulously. "Jeff, honey, boot camp is not just for people wearing boots. And as for that second thing…well I don't even know what to say to that."

Maria nodded in agreement. "I'm supposed to be the dumb one who lives in her own world and that's just strange in my book."

Matt sighed and gave the girls a pleading look. "Okay, I know that you guys get upset when we eat the special brownies and lock you out of the house. I can understand where you're coming from. But maybe if you would just try the brownies, you would understand why we like them so much."

"We don't want to try the brownies," Beth snapped.

"Says you," Candice muttered.

Beth glared at her. "Not _tonight_ anyway," she conceded. "You see, this boot camp thing is actually really starting to sound very appealing to me." She pointed to Hunter. "Drop and give me fifty."

"Fifty orgasms?" Hunter said eagerly. That earned him a slap from both Jeff and Stephanie.

Beth rolled her eyes. "No you fucking dope. Fifty push-ups. Do them now."

Hunter shook his head. "No way. I don't want to do that. I'm too tired."

There was a moment where Beth looked like she was going to be sympathetic and let him off the hook. Then she surprised everyone by smacking him with the whip. "I SAID GIVE ME FIFTY ASSHOLE!"

Hunter yelled in pain and immediately hid behind Jeff. "What the hell is wrong with your girlfriend?" he asked in fear.

Jeff shook his head. He was staring at Beth like he had never seen her before in his life. "I don't know but I think I like it."

Stephanie glared at Beth. "Now wait a minute! Who the hell said you got to hit my husband? I thought we were all hitting our own spouses."

Shawn frowned. "Wait, isn't that spousal abuse then?"

"Not if we do it with a dominatrix whip," Maria explained. "Then it's just kinky."

"It's Beth's logic," Rebecca stated for the record.

Matt nodded in appreciation. It sounded like good logic to him. "I like it. I think if we just drop the whole boot camp gimmick, we could have something that works very well here."

"Yeah, the boot camp thing isn't really teaching us a lesson," Shawn said with a nod.

"I wouldn't say that," Hunter said. "This has taught me Beth is a crazy ass bitch when she gets a hold of a whip."

Jeff turned around to glare at him. "Did I say you could call my Beth a bitch?"

Hunter glared back at him. "Seeing as how you're not my parent or my wife, I don't need your permission to do anything."

"Oh that's it, you're going to get it." Jeff snatched the whip from Hunter and began smacking him with it. Hunter began yelling in pain and tried to run away, but Jeff just kept on chasing him and hitting him as he went.

Everyone stared at the sight of that. Nobody even tried to come to Hunter's aid. "Wow, I'm almost a little turned on," Candice said under her breath.

Matt frowned and looked at her. "What?"

"You're not the only one," Beth said. She ran forward, grabbed Jeff by the arm and began dragging him along. "Come on honey! We need to have sex!"

Jeff immediately stopped trying to go back after Hunter and willingly followed Beth out of the room. Everyone stared at the door for a second before looking at each other. Nobody knew what to say.

"So….can we revisit the orgy idea?"

The others just sighed. Hunter had more hormones than a teenager.


	51. The Body Switch

The Body Switch

"Santa's here and he's brought Chinese food!" Hunter yelled triumphantly as he entered the room carrying Chinese takeout.

Jeff looked up in interest until he saw Hunter. "Wait, you said Santa," he whined. "You're not Santa!"

"Yes I am," Hunter insisted. "I'm Santa's twin Hunter Claus."

"Yeah Jeff, can't you see the resemblance?" Matt asked as he took the food from Hunter and began passing it around. "I mean, sure instead of red, fat and jolly, his blond, big nosed and he has anger issues, but they are so totally twins."

Hunter glared at Matt. "You know, you're really lucky I don't stab you with a chopstick right now."

Shawn shook his head. "Hunter, we've talked about how threats like that aren't nice. You know the therapist said you need to work on being less of an asshole to people."

"Yeah, and the therapist also said you need to stop being obsessed with ninjas, but I don't see you doing that any time soon."

"But my ninja obsession is way less damaging than your anger problems."

Matt shook his head. "You two need more help than any therapist can give you. I'm sorry to say that because you guys are my friends, but it's the truth."

Jeff giggled. "You know, if you separate that word up, you have the rapist."

Matt sighed. "Have you been watching Saturday Night Live again?"

"Maybe." Jeff dug through his bag and squealed. "Oooh, fortune cookies!"

"Hunter!" Matt yelled. "I told you no fortune cookies! Jeff's never going to eat the rest of his food now!"

Hunter just shrugged. "Sorry man, I meant to listen to you on that, but then I remembered that you're a loser, so I didn't."

Jeff eagerly opened the wrapper of the first fortune cookie and then broke the cookie in half. Something very weird happened as soon as he did that. The entire room flashed green and they all felt like something was being pulled out of them and then being shoved back in violently.

"What the fuck was that?" Matt asked---only Shawn's lips were moving.

"Holy crap!" Shawn said. He made Hunter's body turn around. "Jeff, what the fuck did you do?"

Jeff, who was in Matt's body, just shrugged. "I don't know. But this is cool."

"Cool?" Hunter said incredulously. He made Jeff's body stand up. "Look at me. This is not cool. I look like a freak now!"

Jeff scowled. "Who are you calling a freak?"

"Boys, let's calm down," Shawn said.

"Fuck calming down," Matt said. "Let's fucking get ourselves back in our own bodies."

Shawn frowned. "Oh, so is my body not good enough for you to be in? Is that it?"

"That's not what I said dumbass. I just meant--"

"Hey guys, look what I can do!" Jeff exclaimed. He started dancing around the room, acting like a complete jackass in the process.

"Stop that!" Matt yelled. "You're making me look like a dirty stripper!"

"I think that's the point," Hunter said with a smirk.

"Would you shut up and open another cookie?" Matt snapped. "We need to fix this!"

"Fix what?" Candice asked as she came into the room. "And oh my God! Matt, what are you doing?"

"It's not me!" Matt yelled, scaring Candice because he was Shawn. "Jeff--"

Hunter opened another cookie at that moment, making them switch bodies again. "Son of a bitch!" Shawn yelled. Now he was in Matt's body. "That didn't work."

"Oh my God!" Candice yelled. She was in Shawn's body. "I'm old!"

"What did you just say?" the Heartbreak Kid said dangerously.

"Dude, actually, this is perfect," Matt said. He was in Jeff's body and he was looking for payback. He grinned evilly. "I think I know exactly what I need to do now."

Jeff, who was now Hunter, glared at his older brother. "Matt--"

"Candice, I need your stripper pole. I'm going to--"

Jeff just tackled Matt to the ground and started throttling him. While those two went at it, Shawn and Candice got into an argument about Shawn being old. It wasn't until they heard Hunter giggling that they all realized whose body he was actually in.

"OH MY GOD!" Candice shrieked. "STOP TOUCHING ME!"

Hunter, who had his hand on Candice's breasts, froze in his tracks. "It's not what it looks like, I swear," he tried to say.

Candice screamed, picked up a newspaper and started beating Hunter with it. "You can't do that!" Hunter yelled. "Male on female violence is wrong! I'll scream rape!"

"IF YOU DO NOT QUIT TOUCHING ME THIS INSTANT, I'LL REALLY GIVE YOU SOEMTHING TO SCREAM ABOUT!"

"That's it, I've had it," Shawn said. He grabbed another fortune cookie and opened it up. Once again, they all changed bodies, but this time things worked out a little better.

"Oh thank God," Matt said. He was back in his own body. He grabbed the bag and held it out of the other's reach. "We are getting rid of these right now. These things are evil."

"I agree," Shawn said. He set down the newspaper Candice had used to beat Hunter with. "I don't ever want to do that again."

Jeff glared at Hunter. "Please tell me you just liked touching Candice too much and it has nothing with being on top of me right now."

Matt, Shawn and Candice frowned. "What?"

Hunter groaned and quickly started heading towards the door. "I'll be in the bathroom," he told them.

"Doing what?" Shawn asked.

"You don't want to know!"

Matt frowned. "Wait, you're in my house! You can't do that here! Hunter!"

Jeff watched Matt run after Hunter. "Well that's great. Matt's not ever going to let me eat a fortune cookie again."

Candice patted him on the back. "It'll be okay. We'll just eat his chocolate chip cookies instead."

Jeff grinned. "You're an evil and diabolical woman. Don't ever change."


	52. Itchweeed and Shawn vs the Fire

Itchweeed and Shawn vs. the Fire

Shawn bounced his ball up and down as he walked along. He was trying to be very careful so it wouldn't hit his foot or anything else that would make it roll away from him. He had been with Hunter, but his longtime friend was being a grouchy pants because itching powder had been put into his wrestling trunks. "And to think that after all we've been through, he would actually have the nerve to accuse me of doing it," Shawn muttered in disbelief. "I mean, I know I actually did it, but that gives him no right to accuse me of doing it!"

"Yo boy that's a mighty fine ball! Where did you get that mother fucker at?"

Shawn jumped about a foot in the air as Itchweeed came out of nowhere. "What happened to Jeff?" he asked. "He owes me five dollars!"

"I know, that's why he brought me out," Itchweeed explained. He put his arm around Shawn. "He wants me to negotiate a new deal with you."

"What kind of new deal?"

"The kind where he doesn't actually pay you anything."

Shawn thought about it for about a minute before shaking his head. "Sorry Itchweeed, I actually kind of hate that deal. You'll have to tell Jeff that I want my five dollars or he's going to get kicked in the face and then I'll take it from his unconscious body."

Itchweeed looked around to make sure they were alone. "And then what else are you going to do to his unconscious body?" he asked in a knowing matter.

"Nothing you sick freak!" Shawn couldn't even believe that Itchweeed would ask him that. "Good grief dude, why would you ask me that? I'm not a sick pervert like Hunter."

"Yeah, but you hang out with him a lot," Itchweeed pointed out. "And sometimes people become more like each other by hanging out that much. Like back in 1675, I was hanging out with this witch, and after awhile, I could have sworn that I could do spells." He grinned. "In fact, if I try hard enough, I can still do spells."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "No you can't. You're just saying that to make yourself sound cool."

Itchweeed looked offended. "Hey man, don't be disrespecting my witch-y powers now! I could put a spell on you right here and now if I wanted to!"

Shawn sighed. "Okay, I'm just going to go away now. You are a grade A freak I don't need to be around right now."

"Oh hell no!" Itchweeed protested. He grabbed Shawn by the hand and dragged him out of the building. "You can't just doubt my witch powers and get away with it! I'm going to prove to you that I'm a witch!" He pulled Shawn over to a dried out looking bush. "Now watch this shit Shawnie." He took out a lighter and flicked it on. "Hocus pocus, pussy juice, weed eater and mother fucker boys!"

The flame from the lighter set the bush on fire and because it was so dried out, it didn't take long for the whole thing to go up in flames. "Holy shit!" Itchweed yelled. "Look what I did Shawn! Isn't that amazing?"

"No!" Shawn shouted. "That bush is on fire!" He put his hand on his head. "Oh God, what do I do? What do I do? Do I stop drop and roll?" He got down on the ground and rolled around. Then he remembered that was only what people who were on fire were supposed to do. "Damn it!" he said as he jumped back up to his feet. "Itchweeed, we have to put this fire out!"

Itchweeed nodded. "Okay!" He grabbed a stick that was nearby and started hitting the burning bush as hard as he could. "Take that! And that! And this! That!" Suddenly he pulled the stick back and started screaming. "Holy shit! The stick is on fire!"

Shawn sighed. He should have known better than to ask Itchweeed's help for this. "Hold on, I'll go find a hose!" he said. He took off running, but he didn't find the hose. Why the arena did not have a hose, he had no idea. He thought about going inside and looking for a fire extinguisher, but then he saw a fire hydrant that was a lot closer than that. "Itchweeed! We need to get water out of the fire hydrant!"

Itchweeed threw the burning stick on to the burning bush. "That's a great idea man! Come on, I know how to do just that!"

Shawn followed Itchweeed into Jeff's car. Itchweeed started it up and then drove the car right into the hydrant. The good news was that it busted open and water went everywhere, which put the bush out. The bad news was that they were going to get into deep trouble for that.

Itchweeed surveyed the situation carefully before speaking. "If anyone asks, the zombies did it, okay?"

Shawn nodded. "Okay." Zombies were an excellent excuse. They were dead and evil, so they would so totally do something like this. "You want to go tell everyone the zombies are on a rampage?"

"Sure. It's not like we have anything better to do boy."


	53. The Case of the Missing Hardy

The Case of the Missing Hardy

"Guys, we have a problem," Matt announced as he entered Shawn and Hunter's locker room.

Hunter sighed. "Matt, I've told you thousand times that your erectile dysfunction is your problem, not mine."

Matt glared at the Game. "I do not have erectile dysfunction you idiot. Jeff's gone and I don't know where he went."

"Did you try looking in a rabbit hole?" Shawn asked.

"He can't fit down a rabbit hole."

"He could if he went to Wonderland."

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Shawn, stop being stupid. Matt, just do what I always do when I can't find Jeff: don't look for him and wait until he comes out and starts whining about how you weren't supposed to stop playing hide and seek with him."

"But I never was playing hide and seek with him," Matt said in confusion.

"I know, and I never have either. But his little fucked up brain likes to think we're playing hide and seek with him, so you just have to go along with it."

That made sense to Matt. So he sat down with DX and they began playing poker. But after about an hour and a half, there was still no sign of Jeff. "Guys, I can't just sit here," Matt complained. "I think something might have happened to Jeff."

"Oh what's the worst than can happen to him?" Shawn asked.

Hunter threw down his cards and smacked Shawn on the back of the head. "Damn it Shawn, you just jinxed the hell out of everyone. Now we do have to go find him before something bad happens to him."

Shawn whined and rubbed the back of his head. "You don't need to be so abusive to me Hunter! I didn't even do anything to you!"

Matt sighed and took out his cell phone. He was about to call Jeff yet again when he noticed that he had like six text messages. "What the hell are these all about?" he muttered as he began to check them.

**From: Candice **

**Jeff has kidnapped Maria! Get her back now!**

**From: Maria**

**Jeff let me go. He now has Ted. 10,000 Skittles will buy his freedom.**

**From: Ted**

**Jeff is the ruler of the universe. U will all bow to him. Long live JNH!**

**From: Cody**

**Ted is w/me. Jeff has Ted's phone. Ted is sad now. Get the phone back 4 us Hardy.**

**From: Randy**

**Jeff has taken Punk. He's long gone. He kicked me in the nuts b4 he went. UR BROTHER IS DEAD MEAT MATT!**

**From: Shawn**

**Lookwhaticandomatt!Icantext!**

Matt sighed and looked at Shawn. "It doesn't space the words for you Shawn. You have to do that yourself."

Shawn pouted. "Damn it, I thought I was doing it right."

Hunter looked at Matt's messages. "So he's kidnapped Punk? Wow, I'm having a hard time caring about that."

"Yeah, but we should at least try to find out where he took him," Matt pointed out. "Vince is going to get mad if we don't."

"Vince is always mad," Shawn pointed out. "That's not exactly anything new."

That was very, very true, but Matt still didn't want the boss mad at him. He wasn't Vince's son in law like Hunter and he wasn't as oblivious as Shawn was, so it just wouldn't work out as well with him. So he dragged the two reluctant DX members along in their quest to find his younger brother.

The hallways of the arena were completely trashed. It looked like it had been hit by a tornado or something like that. "Holy crap!" Hunter said in amazement. "What the hell happened out here?"

"Jeff happened, that's what," Morrison answered. The Shaman of Sexy emerged from behind from a fort made out of tables. "I think he's having one of his sugar rushes because he's gone absolutely crazy."

"Crap," Matt said. Jeff while on a sugar rush was a very scary thing to deal with. "Do you have any idea where he went?"

"The last time I saw him, he was dragging Punk off while screaming about him being King Kong."

"Is Jeff King Kong or is Punk King Kong?" Shawn asked.

"I think Jeff is being King Kong," Morrison replied. "I mean, I don't think King Kong could get dragged anywhere by one guy and Punk was the one getting dragged."

Hunter suddenly started to laugh. "Wouldn't it be really funny if Punk turned out to be a drag queen?"

The others all gave him a strange look. "Why would you even say that?" Matt asked.

Hunter just shrugged. "I don't know. I just felt like it."

Moving on from that, Matt dragged Hunter and Shawn all around the arena. Jeff was nowhere in sight. So they decided to change course and look outside. Out there they found several Skittles leading to the spot where Jeff had his car parked earlier. "Fuck, he's long gone now," Matt cursed. "What are we going to do now?"

"We could go to the zoo," Shawn suggested.

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Damn it Shawn, I told you and Jeff earlier that we were not going to the zoo."

"Wait, Jeff wanted to go to the zoo earlier?" Matt asked.

"Yeah," both DX members said with a nod.

"Shit, now we are going to the zoo. Come on, he's probably there right now."

So they all got into Hunter's car and drove to the zoo. When they got there, they began looking around for Jeff. It didn't take long to find him.

"Help me!" Punk screamed at the top of his lungs. He and Jeff were inside the gorilla cage and he was still being held hostage by Jeff. "Somebody get me out of here!"

"Oh my God," Matt said in disbelief. "Jeff, what the hell are you doing?

"I'm playing with the gorillas!" he replied. He was sitting on a gorilla's lap while keeping Punk in place with a full body scissors. "They like me Matty! They really like me!"

"Well see, this has turned out okay," Shawn said. He grabbed Hunter by the hand and started dragging him away. "Come on, let's go look at the lions!"

Matt stayed where he was and continued to stare at his brother. "Would you please come out of there? You're going to get in trouble!"

"But I don't want to!" Jeff whined. "I like being in here!"

Matt was tempted to go in there and drag Jeff out, but he decided against it. The gorillas looked a little too attached to his brother to risk doing that. Besides, he found it kind of funny to watch Phil freak out. _I wonder if I'm a bad person for laughing at him at a time like this…hmmm, no, I think I'm okay. Everyone laughs at Phil when he freaks out. It's just the natural order of things._ "Well when you're done in there, I'll be in the aquarium, okay?"

"Okay Matty," Jeff said.

"Wait!" Punk yelled. "Matt get back here and help me! Damn it, somebody get me out of this thing!"

Matt just laughed. He wondered if Punk knew that screaming would just egg Jeff on more. _I'm not telling him if he doesn't. He can go ahead and figure that one out all by himself. _


	54. The Clip Show

The "Clip" Show

"I don't see why we have to do this," Hunter grumbled. He, Shawn and Matt were sitting around, watching Jeff set up a giant plasma TV and a camera. "I don't even know what we're about to do but I can already tell you I have like a million better things to do with my time."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Please don't try to trick us into thinking you actually have a life Hunter. We're too smart to fall for that."

"Some of us are anyway," Matt said. He watched his little brother carefully. He wasn't sure what the Charismatic Enigma was up to and he was kind of afraid to find out.

Jeff finished setting up the camera and sat down in his chair, which was in the middle of all of them. "Okay guys, I think we're ready," he announced happily.

They all gave him strange looks. "Ready for what?" Shawn asked. "You never told us what the hell we were doing."

"Oh yeah, I should probably do that," Jeff said.

"Yeah, that might help us out a little bit," Matt agreed.

"Well I've decided to do a clip show based on our greatest moments together," Jeff explained. "Now I'll be the main host because I'm the prettiest and you guys--"

"Hold on, let me cut in here before you get too far into this stupid idea," Hunter said. "First of all, all of the stuff we've done together has not been on TV, which means there has been no video camera present to document our greatness. And I'm going to say this really slowly just so you understand me: no video footage means we can't do a clip show."

Jeff frowned. "But I want to do a clip show!"

"Well sometimes you always can't get what you want Jeff," Matt said gently. "I mean, I wanted a purple horse as a child, but I never got one, now did I?"

Shawn looked at Matt weirdly. "Why did you want a purple horse?"

"Because a purple horse would have been awesome."

Jeff folded his arms over his chest. "Well what are we going to do now? I put all my hopes and dreams into this clip show and now its ruined!"

"It's not ruined," Hunter said as he rolled his eyes. "We can still do a clip show. We would just have to do it about something else."

"About what though?" Shawn asked.

"How about us kicking the crap out of people?" Hunter suggested. "That's always fun."

The others grinned. They all liked the sound of that. "I want to get footage of me beating Punk for the title," Jeff said happily. "I like that footage."

"Oh, speaking of Punk, did anyone ever get him away from the gorillas?" Hunter asked.

Jeff nodded sadly. "Yeah, the people who worked at the zoo came and "rescued" us. I don't know why they thought we needed rescuing."

"It was probably because Punk was screaming his head off," Matt pointed out. "The poor guy thought the gorillas were going to kill him."

"I think we should put in the clip of me super kicking Santino that one time," Shawn suggested. "Or better yet, I think we should let Santino hang out with us all the time so I can super kick him whenever I want to."

Hunter shook his head. "No, because if he hangs out with us, then he'll think he's cool. And we can't let that happen."

"Good point. But I still think we should put that in our clip show."

"We will," Matt assured him. "And we should put in my ECW championship win too."

"But nobody cares about the ECW title," Hunter pointed out.

"But people care about me."

"You just like to think they do."

"Shut up Hunter. How about we put in footage of Randy attacking Stephanie?"

Hunter glared at the elder Hardy. "How about I film my fist hitting your face and then we'll add that? How does that sound?"

Jeff put up his hands. "Hey! There will be no punching here! This is a peaceful meeting!" He then proceeded to smack Hunter across the face.

Hunter glared at Jeff once he recovered from the smack. "What the hell was that for?" he yelled.

"You don't threatened Matty!" Jeff growled. "I kill you for that."

"I thought this was supposed to be a peaceful meeting," Shawn piped up.

Hunter, Matt and Jeff were not listening to him. Jeff and Hunter were growling at each other like dogs. Before either of them could do anything though, Matt pounced on Hunter and then Jeff followed suit. Shawn watched them for a second before turning on the TV Jeff had set up. "Ooooh, Discovery Channel!" he said happily. "Hunter look, there's sharks!"

Jeff, Matt and Hunter stopped fighting. "Sharks?" Jeff said happily. "I like sharks! I want to be a shark when I grow up!"

"Uh, but Jeff--" Hunter tried to say.

Matt shook his head. "Hunter, I know this is hard to believe, but sometimes there's no reasoning with Jeff. You just have to learn to let things go."

"But he's going to bite me later and blame it on him being a shark."

"I know. And I will laugh and mock you for the rest of the night about it."

"Bitch."

"You wish I'd be your bitch. But I never will be. I'm Matt and I rule too much for that."

"We'll see about that Hardy," Hunter said darkly. "We'll just wait and see."


	55. Inside the Mind of the Older Brother 2

Inside the Mind of the Older Brother, Part 2

**Sept 16**

**Earlier I was dreaming that I walked in on Maria and Candice were having a naked pillow fight. It was an awesome dream that would have led to dream sex if I had not gotten woken up by Mr. Kettles, who had decided that I had wanted my face bitten. "You fucking little shit," I grumbled under my breath as I not so nicely shoved him away from me. "I don't know why Maria puts up with you."**

**Mr. Kettles just barked at me with his yappy little voice and then jumped off the bed. Fucking thing probably realized that it spoiled my wet dream and was--no, IS--still happy about it. In fact, he's looking at me while I write this and he's grinning at me with his evil little smile. He's probably plotting my death right now. Fucking little thing. I think Maria got him from Hell. That's my official opinion and I'm sticking to it.**

**Ugh, now Jeff is pounding on the window, demanding to be let in. I wish he would just go away. I don't want to deal with him right now. Maria, Candice and I were going to go to the Blockbuster up in Whispering Pines to go get some movies and we don't want to take him along. He never picks out movies we want to watch. He always picks out stuff he knows that we don't want to watch and whines when we tell him no just to be a little shit head.**

**Fuck! Now he's trying to break the window with a freaking rock. Maria and Candice are going nuts and now I actually have to see what he wants. This is not going to be fun.**

**Sept 18**

**I was right. What Jeff wanted did not lead to any kind of fun for me. In fact, I am now considering giving him away to anyone who will take him just so I do not have to go through anything like what I did ever again.**

**When I let Jeff into the house two days ago, he was in a complete and total panic. "Itchweeed's been kidnapped!" he exclaimed hysterically. "Matty I don't know what to do! The Mole People have taken Itchweeed away!"**

**I stared at him for several minutes, not believing what I had heard. Honestly, I thought he was joking until I realized he had that same look on his face that he did when he had been a kid and he thought monsters really were under his breath. "Um Jeff? How could Itchweeed get kidnapped?"**

**"The Mole People got into his house and dragged him away!" Jeff said knowingly. "They gave me a ransom note saying if that I didn't come and save him, they would kill him in their lair of doom."**

**I am not kidding when I say that it took everything in my power not to laugh right then and there. "Jeff, if Itchweeed is down in the Mole People's lair, then how are you here right now, telling me all about this?"**

**Jeff gave me an annoyed look. "Where I am has nothing to do with where Itchweeed is Matthew!"**

**I was really confused at that moment. Itchweeed was Jeff's alter ego. Itchweeed could not be kidnapped without Jeff being taken too. The fact that Jeff has not yet accepted this fact makes me worry about his mental state. "Jeff come on," I told him. "Be reasonable about this."**

**Jeff glared at me before starting to cry. "How can you do this to me Matthew?" he sobbed. "Itchweeed is my friend and the Mole People are probably torturing him right now! You're my brother Matty! You're supposed to help me get him back!"**

**Of course, Maria and Candice walked in at that moment and saw Jeff crying. And even though they knew the whole thing was ridiculous just like I did, they agreed for us to help him look for Itchweeed. I wasn't particularly pleased with this decision, but they didn't listen to me. Hell, nobody listens to me. Nobody would probably notice I was gone until they wanted something from me. Ugh. I feel so unloved.**

**So anyway, we let Jeff lead us to the shack that's supposed to be Itchweeed's home. Now this is where things started getting completely out of hand. Jeff said that he heard a noise and ran off before we could stop him. I did my best to convince Maria and Candice that we should just go the hell home. "Jeff's just looking for attention," I told them. "Itchweeed has not been kidnapped. Jeff's just looking for attention."**

**"But Matt, he might cry again," Maria pointed out. She was a sucker for tears. "I don't want him to be sad."**

**"Yeah," Candice said. These girls really are too nice for their own good. "I--Matt look out!"**

**I turned around just in time for Itchweeed to hit me right in the head with a shovel. Now let me tell you something: that hurt like hell. If Itchweeed swings something at your head, duck because that shot knocked me unconscious. And when I woke up, I found myself and the girls tied up to wooden posts up by our ring in the woods.**

**"What the hell is going on?" I asked. I tried to get free from the ropes but I was tied up way too tightly.**

**"Itchweeed has gone nuts!" Candice said fearfully. "The Mole People have brainwashed him!"**

**"Quiet woman!" Itchweeed yelled angrily. "Don't be telling him about my Masters' secrets."**

**I groaned. In my head, I was asking God what I had done to deserve this crap. "Icthweeed come on, let us down. This is crazy."**

**"Don't be calling me crazy boy," Itchweeed snapped. "The Moles have told me what I need to do. I must sacrifice you to the fire."**

**I stared at him in disbelief. Once again, I had a hard time believing that this wasn't a joke until I noticed the piles of wood and pine straw at our feet and the matches in his hand. "Holy crap!" I yelled. "Help! Someone help!"**

**"Nobody's going to hear you boy. The only people--"**

**"ITCHWEEED YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!"**

**Let met say that I've never been so happy to see Beth in my life. She came storming in like a knight in shining armor and Itchweeed ran like a scalded dog. Once he was gone, she untied us and got our claims of undying devotion. Then of course, like five minutes later, Jeff comes running back and asks this question:**

**"What happened? Did you guys see Itchweeed? I can't find him anywhere."**

**I'm giving him away. I really mean it. I can't do this shit anymore. This is absolutely ridiculous. Now excuse me while I try to go find someone stupid enough to take him out of my hands.**


	56. Blackout

Blackout

"Shawn get out from under the bed," Hunter said in exasperation. "It's just a thunderstorm. It is not going to hurt you."

"Oh yeah? How much did it pay you to say that?" Shawn replied. He had crawled under the bed as soon as he heard thunder and he had absolutely no intention of coming out until the storm was over.

Hunter sighed. He wished Rebecca was here to deal with this so he could be off with Stephanie. Unfortunately, life did not care what he wanted and he was stuck trying to deal with his terrified tag team partner. "Thunderstorms can't pay people to say stuff for them. Now come out of there this instant. I'll beat the storm with my sledgehammer if I have to."

Shawn reluctantly poked his head out from under the bed. "You promise?"

"Yes, I promise."

"Okay." Shawn slowly crawled out from under the bed and stood up. His eyes darted all around the room nervously. "Where's Sledgey?"

Hunter winced. In his haste to promise Shawn just about anything, he had forgotten one important fact. "Um...I don't actually have him with me at the moment."

Shawn's eyes widened. "What? How could you--" He stopped to scream as thunder boomed and then the lights went out. "OH MY GOD! WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

Hunter grunted as Shawn jumped into his arms. "Dude come on, don't do this," he said tiredly. "I just want to go to sleep."

"You can't sleep yet Hunter," Shawn said. He got out of the larger man's arms but then immediately pulled Hunter down to the floor and made the Game crawl under the bed with him. "It's not safe up here. The storm is coming to get us."

Hunter groaned. How was he going to convince Shawn that the storm was not out to get them? Shawn acted like he couldn't even comprehend that a storm had no emotions or vendettas. It wasn't going to get them, no matter how scarily loud the thunder was.

"Matty I can't see! How are we supposed to find our room?"

"I don't know. Maybe we should start knocking on doors to see if someone will let us in."

"That dirty bastard storm!" Shawn whispered angrily. "It's sounding like Matt and Jeff in order to trick us!"

Hunter rolled his eyes. "That really is Matt and Jeff you doof." He started trying to crawl out from under the bed. "Let go of me so I can let them in."

"No, don't do it!" Shawn protested. "You can't leave me all alone here! Something could get me!"

"Damn it, would you listen to yourself for a minute? You sound like a complete idiot."

"Hold me!" Shawn said. He wrapped his arms and legs around Hunter's body and squeezed tightly.

"No," Hunter replied simply. He managed to untangle himself from Shawn's grip and rolled out from under the bed. He got up to his feet and somehow managed to find the door. He stumbled into about a million things and nearly fell on his face a couple of times, but he got to the door at least. Once he got it open, he poked his head out into the pitch black hallway. "Matt? Jeff? Are you guys still out there?"

Jeff gasped. "Hunter? Is that you?"

"Yeah. You guys should come in here and stay with me and Shawn. He's freaking out on me and I need help dealing with him."

"No! Don't let them in! They'll bring the storm in with them!" Shawn cried out.

"Well hold on a second," Matt said, obviously ignoring Shawn. "We're not even sure where you are. Keep talking so we can follow the sound of your voice."

Now that was something Hunter could do. "You know, when Stephanie was pregnant the first time around, we went to this class where they had a whole bunch of other ballooned women and poor husbands like me who had to try to deal with the nightmare of the out of control hormones. And while the women were all gushing about how they love the feeling of being pregnant, I announced I like the feeling of getting Steph pregnant. Now honestly, was that so bad to announce? I mean, it was a compliment! But Steph got all mad and embarassed and who's fingers are almost in my mouth right now?"

"Mine," Jeff said with a giggle.

"Stop that Jeff," Matt ordered. He grabbed on to Hunter's shirt. "Okay, take us in."

"Aye aye Captain!" Hunter walked back into the room and shut the door behind them. "Shawn please come out and see Matt and Jeff."

"How can he see us?" Jeff asked. "I can't even see my own hand and I'm touching my face with it!"

"Don't bring up details like that right now," Hunter said. "I--"

Shawn suddenly screamed. "There's a monster under here!"

Hunter grunted as he suddenly felt Shawn jumping at him, Jeff and Matt. Somebody lost their balance and then he was getting pulled down with them. The back of his head bounced off the wall and he let out a yell of pain.

"Monster! Monster!" Shawn yelled. He could be heard trying to run for the door.

"Shawn wait--" Matt started to say.

"Ack! Something has my ankle!"

The lights came back on just in time for Hunter to see Shawn kicking Matt right in the mouth. Matt yelped in pain and pulled himself back. His mouth was already bleeding pretty badly.

"Matty!" Jeff cried out. "Shawn, what did you do that for?"

"I thought he was a monster!" Shawn said defensively. "Like the one under the bed."

Hunter rubbed the back of his head. "There's is no monster under the bed Shawn. You are just being an idiot."

"Am not!" Shawn pulled Hunter away from the Hardys so he could look under the bed. "Look under there and tell me what you see."

Hunter did just that. "I see absolutely nothing. I still maintain that you are a freak." Just as he was about to get up, he saw a spider crawl across the floor. "Sweet baby Jesus!" he shrieked. He literally jumped straight up and landed right in Shawn's arms. Unfortunately, Shawn was not expecting that and they both went crashing to the floor.

Jeff laughed loudly. "Do it again! Do it again! That was funny!"

"Shawn I think you knocked out one of my teeth," Matt complained. He was still trying to stop his mouth from bleeding. "I'm not even joking right now dude."

Hunter groaned and rolled away from Shawn. "Okay, that kind of hurt," he said.

"What are you talking about?" Shawn grunted. "You're heavier than me and you were the one who landed on me! I should be the one complaining here!"

"Guys seriously, start looking for my tooth," Matt said. "I seriously think one is gone."

Everyone ignored Matt of course. It wasn't anything personal; they just felt like there were more important things to worry about. "I think the storm is stopping," Jeff said. "I want to go play out in the puddles."

Shawn clapped his hands excitedly. "Yeah! I want to do that too!"

Hunter rolled his eyes. They were all so childish sometimes. But if it got Shawn to stop jumping at every noise, he was willing to put up with just about anything.


	57. Peeping Toms

Peeping Toms

Matt looked over at Jeff, who was humming way too innocently to actually be innocent. "What are you up to?" he asked.

"Nothing," Jeff lied. He was sucking on a grape lollypop, so his lips and tongue were all purple. "Why would you think that I was up to something?"

"Beause you are always up to something," Matt replied. "That's kind of the way you are."

Jeff pouted his lips. Now he was insulted. How could Matt even think that about him? That was just plain mean. "Screw you Matty. I'm gonna go play with Hunter now and you're not invited."

Matt rolled his eyes. "Wow, my feelings are just so hurt by that," he said sarcastically. "I'm just going to go cry in the corner now like a little baby."

Jeff flipped Matt off and stormed out of the room. He didn't like being accused of being up to something. Sure he had stolen the master key to all of the hotel rooms from the maids and he was planning on going into people's rooms to mess with them, but that didn't mean he liked being accused of being up to no good. It just made him feel like a criminal or something. And unless he was gonna get a gun out of it, he didn't want to feel like a criminal.

"Hunter!" he called out. "Where are you? Come out and play with me!" He turned the corner and saw Phil and Tommy Dreamer by the vending machine. "Hey have you guys seen Hunter?"

"You stay away from me!" Phil yelled. He backed away from Jeff. "I don't want anything to do with you!"

Jeff frowned. "What crawled up your ass today Phil?"

"I think he's still upset about you kidnapping him and putting him into a cage full of gorillas," Tommy said wisely.

"Oh come on Phil, that was fun!" Jeff insisted. "The gorillas really liked you. They just wanted to be your friend."

Phil glared at Jeff. "Those gorillas were not looking for friendship. They were looking to kill me and you are evil for enjoying my pain."

"Hey! I'm not evil! You're the evil one here!"

"Oh yeah? What did I ever do to you?"

"You stole my title at--"

"That was a storyline! You knew that was gonna happen!"

"I did not!"

"You did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Enough!" Tommy yelled. He put his hands on Phil and Jeff's shoulders. "This has gone on for way too long. You two are going to stop fighting right now."

"What if I don't wanna?" Jeff asked.

"Then I'm gonna smack you in the head with my sledgehammer," Hunter replied. He walked over to them and grinned. "I just went by Matt. He said you were looking for me."

Jeff nodded. "Matt's not my friend anymore so I'm gonna play with you instead."

Hunter frowned. "Don't you say that all the time?"

Jeff shrugged. "I don't know."

"You do realize that you'll be forgiving him before the day is over, right?"

"Don't point out stuff like that. That's just gonna waste time by taking it away from what we're about to do." Jeff took the master key and used it to unlock the first door he saw.

"Okay, this could be considered morally and possibly legally wrong," Hunter told him. The Game smirked. "I love it."

Jeff grinned and carefully opened the door. Whe he and Hunter saw was Chris Jericho trying to teach Big Show how to....well, he was trying to....Jeff couldn't even believe what he was seeing.

"No no no you big idiot!" Chris said impatiently. "You have to put your hand here and your foot over there. Don't you know anything?"

"Hey, this isn't easy for me," Big Show said defensively. "I'm a lot bigger than you are Chris. I don't bend like you do."

"Wow," Hunter said, not even bother trying to hide the fact that he and Jeff were watching this. "I'm very disturbed right now but I can't look away."

Chris and Big Show looked up from their game of Twister. "Do you two hypocrites mind?" Chris said angrily. "We're busy here!"

Jeff quickly shut the door. "That was mildly disturbing," he said as he and Hunter walked away.

Hunter shook his head. "I think "mildly" is putting it too lightly. I don't think we're gonna see anything worse than that."

Jeff unlocked another door and they looked in. They found Morrison standing in front of a full length mirrior, admiring himself in a dress. "Damn, look at me," the Shaman of Sexy said to himself. "I'm so pretty that I can even be a girl."

Hunter's jaw dropped while Jeff burst into a fit of giggles. "What the fuck are you doing you freak?" Hunter shouted at the top of his lungs. "Have you lost your damn mind?"

Morrison screamed and threw a shoe at them. "GET OUT!"

"Gladly you fruitcake!" Hunter yanked Jeff back while shutting the door. "I'm not liking this game anymore Jeff."

Jeff struggled to stop giggling. "You know, that's not any worse than the time that we tried on high heels or the time I cross dressed so--"

"Those things were different!" Hunter exclaimed. "They were us and there were purposes behind those actions! Morrison is just an idiot."

Jeff couldn't disagree with that. He went to another door and unlocked it. Just as he was about to open it, someone did it for him. "No!" Shawn said. "You cannot come in and see what I am doing! That is not allowed!"

"Why not?" Hunter asked. "Are you masturbating in there or something?"

Jeff made a face. "Hunter!"

Hunter just shrugged innocently. "What? Rebecca ain't here and a man has needs Jeff. You'll understand that when you grow up."

Shawn turned a deep shade of red. "I am not masturbating!" he told them. "Now go away!" He slammed the door right in their faces.

"Okay then," Jeff said slowly. "He's acting a little weird." He went to another door and unlocked it. "I think the people around us have some serious issues."

Hunter nodded in agreement. "Oh yeah."

Jeff opened the door and poked his head into the room--only to come face to face with Mark. "Uh...hi!" Jeff forced himself to say cheerfully.

"Oh boy, this isn't gonna be good," Hunter muttered.

Mark glared at both of them. "Give me that key right now," he growled. "Or I will hurt you both in ways you could have never imagined possible."

"Wait, what's the magic word?" Jeff asked.

"NOW!" Mark barked.

Jeff whimpered, handed Mark the key and hid behind Hunter. "I is scared!"

Hunter stared at Mark until the Phenom snarled at him and then he took off running. "Okay, we are never doing that again," he said. "At least not while Mark is on tour with us. Agreed?"

"Agreed," Jeff said quickly. Even he wasn't dumb enough to fuck with the Undertaker....well okay, he was, but not tonight. Mark was too grouchy tonight. But maybe some other time would be...oh who was he kidding? Mark was always grouchy.

Jeff's eyes brightened. "I've got an idea!" he exclaimed.

Hunter groaned. "I'm not gonna like this, am I?"

"No but shut up because you're gonna do it anyway. We just need to get Matt and Shawn because this job is gonna need all of us."

"Wait, what are we doing?"

"We're gonna cheer up Mark and make him less grouchy."

Hunter stopped in his tracks. "You've got a death wish, don't you?"

Jeff rolled his eyes. "Now is not the time for stupid questions. Now is the time for planning. Now let's hurry up! I need to execute this plan before dinner tonight. Matt gets pissed when I miss meals."


	58. Smile Bitch!

Smile Bitch!

"You cannot seriously be considering this," Matt said in disbelief. He looked at Hunter and Jeff like they were more insane than usual (and honestly, he thought they were at the moment). "This has got to be one of the--no, this is THE dumbest things you two have ever thought up of. Do you realize that this could get you killed?"

Jeff rolled his eyes. "You're being overdramatic Matty. What is so bad about trying to cheer Mark up?"

"He's Mark!" Matt reminded him. "He loves being grouchy! That's him on a good day! You trying to "cheer him up" and "make him smile" is going to get you two killed."

"No, it's going to get him killed," Hunter said, pointing to Jeff. "Because I will toss his scrawny ass into the line of fire and run like hell if Mark comes after us."

Jeff pouted his lips. "Aw, why doesn't anybody love me anymore? It's no fair! I wanna be loved!"

"You are loved you dope," Matt informed him. "Hunter is just a jackass."

"Am not!" Hunter denied. He held up a sock puppet that had had blonde hair from a barbie doll glued on to it, the letters DX written on it and pieces of leather hanging off the side of it. "You're the jackass!"

Matt stared at the sock puppet. "What the fuck is that supposed to be?"

"Uh....Shawn."

"That's Shawn? Wait, why isn't he on this dumbass scheme?"

"Cuz he's still won't come out of his room," Jeff replied. "He won't tell us why though. He just keeps saying that he's busy. I think after we cheer up Mark we should see what he's up to."

"That's assuming you live through cheering Mark up," Matt said. He sat down on his bed. Jeff and Hunter had already tried to force him to come along with them, but he had refused. He wasn't as stupid as they were, so he knew a lost cause when he saw one.

Jeff shook his head. "Nuh uh Matty. That's assuming _we_ live through cheering Mark up."

Matt frowned. "But I told you--"

Hunter blindsided Matt by picking him up and tossing him over his shoulders. "Sorry Hardy, but what you told us doesn't actually matter at the moment."

Matt whined and tried to get free from Hunter's grip, but he failed miserably. Defeated, he settled for lots of yelling instead. "I want no part of this! I want it to go on the record that I do not want to do this because I do not want to die!"

Jeff giggled as he hopped along ahead of them. "You're so silly Matty." Then he began singing. "Little Bunny Fufu, hopping through the forest, knocking field mice and killing them until they're dead!"

Hunter sighed. "Jeff, that's not how the song goes."

"It is now!" Jeff replied. He waved at Ted, Cody and Phil as they passed them by. Ted waved back, Cody didn't give Jeff a second look and Phil ran screaming for cover. "Mark!" he shouted when he saw the Deadman. "Oh Mark!"

Mark, who was innocently just trying to get some ice from the ice machine, grunted as Jeff jumped over to him and gave him a hug. "Damn it to hell Hardy, what the fuck are you doing?"

"I'm gonna cheer you up!" Jeff said happily. The fact that Mark was looking at him in a way that would make most other people run screaming for cover was completely lost on him. "You're always so grouchy and I want to make you smile."

Mark stared at Jeff for the longest time before turning to Hunter and Matt (who was on his own feet again, but unable to get away because Hunter was holding on to him). "Tell me he is not serious right now."

"Oh come on Mark," Hunter said with a grin. "A smile wouldn't kill you, would it?"

"No, but it might kill you," Mark growled.

The smile was quickly wiped off of Hunter's face and it was replaced with a look of fear.

Matt held up his hands and hoped that he could possibly get shown some mercy if he threw Jeff and Hunter under the bed. "I just want it to be known that I had nothing to do with this plan and I don't even want to be here right now. They made me come along with them."

"Oh don't be modest Matty," Jeff said, taking the Shawn puppet from Hunter. "Don't let me and Hunter take credit for your idea."

"Jeff shut up! This was not my idea!"

Mark rolled his eyes. "You know what? I'm going to walk away right now, and it would be best if you all just left me the hell alone now."

"Wait!" Jeff said. He stopped Mark before he had even taken two steps. "Shawn has something he has to tell you."

Mark stared--no, GLARED-- at the Shawn puppet. "Jeff seriously, I--"

Jeff made the Shawn puppet kiss Mark right on the lips.

"Oh dear God," Matt said under his breath. He could not believe Jeff had just done that. What the fuck was Jeff thinking?

Mark glared back and forth between the puppet and Jeff. "You better pray that the real Shawn put you up to that Jeff," he finally said. "Or we are going to have a serious problem."

Jeff folded his arm and followed Mark as he started walking away. "You're not getting rid of me that easily Callaway!" he nearly shouted. "I will get a smile out of you even if I have to bug you all day!"

Matt and Hunter let Jeff go off by himself. Matt felt bad about that, but if Jeff didn't know when to leave shit alone, whatever was going to happen to him was just going to have to happen.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I think we should go to the circus," Jeff said, babbling as fast as he could. Mark was doing everything in his power to ditch him and he was doing everything in his power not to be denied. "A circus has clowns. Clowns would make you smile. Oh and we could ride the elephants and camels and we could get our faces painted--"

Mark rubbed his temples. "Jeff please, I'm begging you to shut up here. I know you think I need to smile, but I don't. I'm happy not smiling. Now please go away."

Jeff shook his head. "Nope. You're gonna smile, even if it kills me." He grabbed Mark's arms and then stood on the larger man's feet in an effort to stop him from going anywhere else. "If we go find Phil and have you chokeslam him, would that help?"

Mark glared at him. "The only person who's going to get chokeslammed is you Hardy, so you better get the hell away from me."

Jeff pouted. This was not going the way he wanted it to. _Mark's not even listening to me,_ he thought to himself. _He won't even consider doing what I say._ That made him mad. Damn it, he was wasting a lot of time and effort into this. The least Mark could do was try. Letting his temper get the best of him, he did the stupidest thing he had ever done: he slapped Mark across the face and shouted "Smile bitch!"

Mark blinked, looking like he didn't just believe Jeff had done that. Jeff blinked back at him, wishing someone would just strike him dead before Mark decided to do it. When nothing happened and Mark started reaching for him, he took off running and screaming at the top of his lungs.

Mark watched Jeff go, almost chasing after him before shaking his head and chuckling. Sure he would throttle Jeff later when he got his hands on him later, but just knowing that he scared people so badly...well, THAT did make him smile.


	59. Blast Off

Blast Off

"I think Shawn's planning to take over the world," Jeff said wisely. He, Hunter and Matt were all in Matt's hotel room watching TV. Shawn was supposed to have joined them an hour ago, but he had called and said he was working on something and he couldn't hang out tonight. That was a very common theme with him lately. He just kept hiding out and not hanging with them, and they were all starting to get really upset with him. The only thing that was allowed to be more important to Shawn than them was Rebecca and the kids. No exceptions.

"You think everyone is planning to take over the world," Matt said in exasperation. "Honestly, can't you come up with something new? This whole world domination kick you are on makes you sound like a paranoid freak."

Jeff glared at his older brother. "I am not a paranoid freak! Who told you to say that? I'll kill them!"

"Easy there boy," Hunter said, actually scooting away from Jeff. "Don't do anything crazy. You get scary when you're crazy."

Jeff grinned. "Really?" He sounded like he was taking that as a compliment.

Matt rolled his eyes. Jeff was so weird. "Maybe we should stop being pussies--"

Hunter laughed. "Pussy," he said under his breath, giggling like an ten year old boy.

"--and we should just break down his door and see what he's doing," Matt finished, looking at Hunter like he had totally lost his mind.

"I like that idea," Jeff announced as he got up. "I'm glad I thought of it."

"You did not!" Matt objected. "I thought of it!"

Jeff folded his arms over his chest. "Just because you said it out loud first doesn't mean I didn't think about it."

"But you didn't think about it!" Matt insisted. "Knowing you, you were thinking about getting some Skittles after we make sure Shawn wasn't planning on taking over the world..."

Jeff gasped. "No! Get out of my brain! You promised you wouldn't do that anymore!" He screamed, put his hands over his ears and dived under the bed.

Hunter groaned. "Now look what you did Matt! You scared him!"

Matt smacked himself on the head. He really wished that Jeff would get over his fear of psychics. It was very annoying to have him start screaming every time someone figured out what he was thinking.

"Come on Jeff, come on out of there," Hunter said gently. He reached under the bed to try to get Jeff out of there. "I promise that if he tries to hijack your brain, I will cut off his balls and feed them to him."

Matt placed a protective hand over his crotch. "Hey! That's not even fair! I wasn't going to do anything to his brain!"

Jeff poked his head out from under the bed. "You promise?" he asked Hunter.

Hunter nodded. "Would I lie to you?"

"Well--"

"Don't answer that. Just come on out of there so we can find out what's going on with Shawn."

So Jeff got out from under the bed and the three of them went to the room Shawn was staying in. "Shawny?" Hunter said as he knocked on the door. "Yoohooo! Shawny?"

"Go away!" Shawn yelled.

Matt knocked on the door. "Room service?"

Hunter knocked again. "House keeping?"

Jeff kicked the door. "Masturbation police! Open the door for us or we will come in there and--"

The door opened so fast that it actually scared all of them. "I am not masturbating!" Shawn said grouchily. "Now go away!"

"No way," Hunter said. He, Jeff and Matt forcibly pushed themselves past Shawn and went into the room. "We want to know why you have been ignoring us.

"Are you planning on taking over the world?" Jeff asked Shawn. "Because if you are, you should either include or not enslave us. You know, because we're friends and all."

Matt took a look around the room. He saw no obvious signs of Shawn planning world domination, but he did see something else: a shopping cart with bottle rockets tied to it. "What the hell is that?" he asked.

Shawn sighed in defeat. "It's my rocket ship."

"Your rocket ship?" Hunter repeated in disbelief.

"Yeah. I got my physics degree from the University of Budapest so I could build it so we could go to the moon."

"But if you built a rocket, shouldn't you have studied rocket science instead?" Jeff asked.

Shawn glared at him. "Jeff, leave the schooling to the brains of this operation. You might hurt yourself if you don't."

Jeff pouted. "Bitch."

"So will this thing actually work?" Hunter asked.

"I don't know yet," Shawn said. "I haven't gotten around to actually testing it."

"Well there's only one thing to do then," Hunter said in all seriousness.

"Oh no," Matt said, knowing that something bad was going to come from all of this but knowing he wasn't going to get himself out of the mess.

"Shut up Matt," Hunter said impatiently. He picked up the cart. "Let's take this thing for a test drive."

Nobody but Matt had any real objections to that, so they went outside and put the cart right in the middle of the parking lot. "How exactly are we all going to fit in this thing?" Jeff asked. I don't think it's big enough for all of us. Not with Hunter's fat ass."

"Hey!" Hunter yelled. "I am not fat!"

"Yeah," Shawn said. "He's just husky, like the Miz."

"I am not husky you son of a bitch!"

"Guys just shut up," Matt ordered. "Hunter, you get in the cart first. Then I'll get in and then Shawn and then Jeff."

"Why do I have to be at the bottom?" Hunter whined.

"Because you're husky! Now get in!"

Hunter pouted but did what he was told. The rest of them got in at the order Matt told them to. That didn't turn out to be the best idea in the world because it got extremely uncomfortable in there. "I can't breathe!" Hunter gasped. "You guys are the fucking husky ones! You're squishing me!"

"Someone needs to light the fuses!" Shawn said. "I can't read them."

"Damn it Shawn, why is your ass so bony?" Matt grumbled.

"I'll do the lighting!" Jeff volunteered. He took a lighter out of his pocket and started lighting the fuses as fast as they could. The others quickly braced themselves for takeoff. "Here we go," Shawn said. "In five, four, three--"

The fireworks all went off but they didn't blast off. Instead the sparks and flames went everywhere, scaring and burning the shit out of them. "AAACCCKKKK!" Jeff screamed. "MATTY!"

"OUT OF THE CART! OUT OF THE CART!" Matt yelled.

"IT'S A ROCKET SHIP DAMMIT!" Shawn insisted.

"FUCK THOSE DETAILS!" Hunter shouted. "WE NEED TO GET OUT! I THINK MY ASS IS ON FIRE!"

Jeff hurled himself out of the car and actually landed several feet away. Shawn and Matt jumped out next. Then it was Hunter's turn. He attempted to just jump out of the cart but he ended up slipping and falling on his face. "OW! My fucking nose!" He rolled away from the cart and joined the others. They watched the cart until the fireworks stopped going off, completely afraid that it would like come over to them and start chasing them or something like that.

After a moment of silence, Shawn sighed. "Jeff?"

"Yeah?" Jeff said weakly.

"I think you were right: I should have studied rocket science instead."


	60. Attack of the Little People

Attack of the Little People

"You guys are very mean people," Jeff said, wagging his finger at Hunter and Shawn like he was the mother and they were his kids that needed a good scolding. "How could you do that to poor Hornswoggle? He practically worshipped you and you beat him up!"

Hunter shrugged. "Gimmick infringement is not cool or cute, even if a leperchaun does it," he replied.

"That's right," Shawn said, nodding and looking serious. "He wouldn't knock it off so we had to teach him a lesson."

Matt rolled his eyes. "Look, I know you had a cease and desist letter against him, but let's be real here. He's like three feet tall! Giving him a Pedigree was crossing the line."

Hunter looked at Shawn, who just shook his head. The Hardys didn't get it. The DX thing was very special to them and people couldn't just try to initiate themselves into the group without asking. There were tests and trials and all different stuff a person had to endure first (okay, there really wasn't, but Hunter felt like there should be).

"They're not listening to us Matty," Jeff said with a pout. "They don't care about what we have to say."

"Of course they don't," Matt replied. "Do they ever care about that?"

"Of course we do!" Shawn said, offended that they would think that. "It's just that this is not a topic that is interesting to us."

"Yeah," Hunter agreed. "Think of something we can give a rat's ass about and then we'll be all ears."

Jeff sniggered. "Actually, you'll be all ears AND nose then."

Hunter glared at him. "Watch it Hardy. I'm not afraid of kicking your ass if I have to."

"Bring it bitch! Matt will kill you if you try it."

Matt made sure to step in between Hunter and Jeff. "Enough!" he ordered. "I'm not listening to this. Jeff, don't provoke Hunter. Hunter, Shawn, just remember this: karma can be one hell of a bitch."

"Matt!" Shawn said in shock. "I don't know who this Karma girl is, but that's not fair to say that kind of stuff behind her back!"

"Oh you've got to be kidding me," Matt muttered, looking at Shawn in disbelief. Jeff just giggled and Hunter grabbed Shawn by the arm and started pulling the Heartbreak Kid away.

"Look, we'll hang out with you guys later," Hunter said. He didn't want to hang out with Matt and Jeff if they were just going to keep going on and on about how mean they were to Hornswoggle.

"So who is this Karma chick?" Shawn asked, still oblivious to why Matt had been looking at him like he was stupid. "And why was Matt saying mean things about her? Is she really a bitch?"

"Shawn, karma is not a person," Hunter explained. "Karma is like...it's like what goes around comes around. He was trying to say that since we did that to Hornswoggle, something bad will happen to us now."

Shawn thought about that before letting out a snort. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," he declared.

Hunter nodded in agreement. "I know. Matt's an idiot like that." He put his arm around his long time friend. "Come on. Let's go get some burgers."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Jeff twirled his lollypop around in his mouth. "Matty?" he said, taking the treat out of his mouth and licking his lips.

"Yeah?" Matt said. He was texting Candice on his phone and not really paying attention to his brother.

"Do ya think Hornswoggle going to do something to get back at Hunter and Shawn?"

"Probably. You remember what happened when you and I crossed that one leperchaun?"

Jeff nodded. He sure did. It had not been a fun experience. "Should we have told them about that?"

"What would have been the point? They wouldn't have believed us."

"So what do we do now?"

"We wait and see what happens. That's all we really can do."

"Oh. Can I have some money for Skittles then?"

Matt sighed and reached into his pocket. "I really need to stop giving you money for this," he muttered as he took a dollar bill out of his wallet.

Jeff snatched the money out of Matt's hands. "Thank you Matty. You're the best."

"Damn right I am," Matt muttered, going back to his texting as Jeff left the room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Shawn, will you hurry up?" Hunter asked impatiently. They were sitting at the Burger King drive-thru and Hunter had already ordered. Shawn was taking his sweet time though, which was really starting to annoy the hell out of Hunter. "I want to eat some time tonight!"

"Shush you, I'm thinking!" Shawn snapped. He was looking at the menu like it was the hardest thing in the world to understand.

"Just let me order what you always--"

"Shut up Hunter! You're not ordering for me and that's final!" Shawn continued to look at the menu. Finally, after another few minutes, he decided to speak. "I'll take a number six, but I want onion rings instead of fries and I want a small Dr. Pepper."

Hunter shook his head in annoyance. That was exactly what he would have ordered Shawn if he had been given the chance. _Sometimes being his friend is really hard_, he thought to himself as he drove up to the window to pay and get their food. _It really is_.

When they got to the window, there was no lady waiting to take their money. They waited for a few minutes but after that, Hunter started getting really annoyed. "Damn it, this is pissing me off!" he announced. "What is taking so long?"

"Maybe they forgot about us," Shawn said, rubbing his growling tummy.

"Well they're not going to forget much longer," Hunter stated. He rolled down his window all the way so he could lean out it and bang on the drive-thru window with his fist. "Hey! BK people! Give us our food you assholes!"

There was about a half a minute where he didn't get any kind of response. Then the window opened, making him come face to face with Hornswoggle. "What the hell?" he said in shock. The last time he had seen the little bastard was at the arena, when he and Shawn had dropped him off to the trainer's room.

Hornswoggle grunted and jumped at him. He let out a yell a as the little guy wrapped himself around his neck and started biting him. "Shawn!" he yelled, doing his best to get the little guy off him. "Help me!"

Shawn tried to pull Hornswoggle off of Hunter, but the leperchaun would not budge. Just seconds later, the car doors open and then there were leperchauns everywhere, climbing and biting and forcing Shawn and Hunter out of the car.

"What the fuck?" Hunter yelled, finally managaing to throw Hornswoggle off of him. He started kicking at the other leperchauns as hard as he could. "Shawn!" he yelled. "Shawn what's happening?"

"I don't know!" Shawn replied. "But they're mauling me! Hunter help me!"

Hunter tried to help Shawn. He really did. But then something hit him in the knee, making him go down to his other one. Then something hit him in the back of the head, making him go down to the ground completely. As he started to fade out of consciousness, he heard Hornswoggle grunting and laughing in his stupid little way.

Oh yeah, karma definitely was a bitch.


	61. Captive

Captive

Hunter groaned as he felt little hands grabbing and touching him. "No girls," he muttered, thinking it was his daughters trying to get him to wake up and play with them. "Not now. Go bug Mommy."

The little hands kept right on touching him though. And slowly but surely, he began to realize that there were too many of him to just be his two daughters. _Maybe they invited their little friends over….wait, are they even old enough to have friends yet?_ He tried to start pushing them away, but realized that he couldn't move his arms. Starting to freak out, he opened his eyes and saw that he was not only tied up, but there were a bunch of leperchauns checking to make the sure that the ropes were secure. "Hey!" he shouted, doing his best to scare the little bastards. "Get off me!" He tried to pull himself free from the ropes but he was tied up too tightly. "Shawn! Shawn!"

"Hunter I'm right here you goof!" Shawn exclaimed. "Look over."

Hunter did that and saw that Shawn was tied up right next to him. "Shawn, what the hell is going on?" he asked. "Where the hell are we?"

Shawn shook his head. "I have no idea. I've tried asking them but they don't speak English."

"Oh come on, they have to speak something." Hunter looked at the nearest leperchaun. Just to be on the safe side, he decided to speak very very slowly. "Where….are….we? What….do…you….want….with…us?"

The leperchaun began grunting and babbling incoherently. Hunter stared at it, desperately trying to understand what it was saying. "Okay, I've got nothing," he finally admitted. "Look Tiny Tim, if you can't speak English then could you speak Mexican instead?"

"Hunter!" Shawn gasped.

"What?" Hunter said, genuinely confused about why Shawn sounded offended. "Steph and I have a Mexican maid! I sometimes understand what she says so—"

"First of all, your maid speaks Spanish, not Mexican," Shawn told him. "Mexican is a type of people and their food, not a language."

"No, Spanish people speak Spanish because they're from Spain," Hunter interrupted. He could not believe how dumb Shawn was sometimes. "Mexicans have to speak Mexican because they are from Mexico."

"No—"

"Yes—"

"No—"

"Shawn—"

"Rebecca told me that Mexicans speak Spanish and she's smarter than you so shut your stupid mouth!" Shawn yelled angrily.

The leperchauns all began grunting and jumping around, startling both members of DX. Hunter didn't know why they were so agitated, but he didn't like it. "Shawn, we can settle the Mexican thing later," he said. "Right now, we just need to get the hell out of here."

Shawn nodded. "I agree. The rope is itchy and I have to pee so—"

"Dude, TMI!"

"TMI?"

"Yeah."

"What's that mean?"

"Too much information."

"Well why didn't you just say that? We could have avoided all the confusion."

Hunter sighed. "Shawn—" He stopped talking as the leperchauns went crazy again. This time the tiny captors didn't just grunt though; they began tossing gold coins around and not only were those sons of bitches big, but they hurt too.

"OW!" Shawn yelled. "My eye! Hunter they hit my eye!"

"Well what do you want me to do about it?" Hunter replied. He was moving his head all over the place, trying desperately to avoid the coins that were coming at him. He was able to avoid some of them, but he was still getting hit by over half of them. "Damn it, stop it! What the hell is this all about?"

The leperchauns stopped and stared at him. For a moment, he thought he was actually going to get a response to his question, but then they all just stepped aside and looked at the one that had to be the ringleader in all of this.

"Hornswoggle!" Hunter and Shawn both gasped at the same time.

Hornswoggle, who was dressed in full DX gear, began grunting excitedly and doing crotch chops right and left. "Would you stop that?" Hunter yelled, getting pissed off. "You can't do that anymore! We have a court order!"

Hornswoggle glared at him before taking a piece of paper out of his pocket and putting it in Hunter's lap. "What does it say?" Shawn asked.

Hunter read what it said and his jaw dropped in shock. "Oh my God," he said in horror. "According to the Leperchaun Act of 2009, any time a big person attacks one of these jolly green midgets, they have the right to seize anything of the attacker's that they want!"

"That's terrible!" Shawn exclaimed.

Hunter shook his head. "It gets worse. Hornswoggle is looking to steal everything DX! The name, the merchandise, the rights—he's going to kick us out of our own group as soon as the Leperchaun Comission signs this!"

Shawn looked absolutely horrified. "You can't do this!" he yelled at Hornswoggle. "This is completely illegal!"

"You'll never get away with this!" Hunter added. "You—"

Hornswoggle bitched slapped him before taking the paper back. He started to run away, and for a horrible moment, Hunter really thought the paper would get signed and then DX would be in Hornswoggle's control. But then…

"GOTCHA!" Stephanie yelled at the top of her lungs. She snatched the paper out of Hornswoggle's hands and held it above her head. "Look! Look! There's a guy out there stealing your Lucky Charms!"

The leperchauns gasped and all took off running to save the charms. Stephanie laughed and turned to face Hunter and Shawn. "Hi boys."

Hunter and Shawn stared at her in shock. "How did you know?" Hunter finally asked.

"There's a mole within the leperchauns that told me what was going to happen here tonight," Stephanie said as she ripped the paper up and put it in her pocket. "He told me where to find you guys."

Hunter sighed in relief as he and Shawn got untied. "Wait, you actually understand one of them?"

Steph nodded. "Yeah and it's a good thing I do. You two would have been screwed without me."

"Yeah we would have," Hunter admitted. "Although I would still like to get scr—"

"Hunter!" Shawn and Stephanie said at the same time.

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay, I'll shut up. Jeez, you guys are no fun at all.


	62. Christmas Shopping

Christmas Shopping

"Matty I don't want to go shopping for other people!" Jeff complained as he was dragged into the mall against his will. "I don't want to get them presents! I don't even want to get you a present but I'm required to by Christmas law."

Matt glared at his baby brother. "You better watch your mouth or I'm not going to give you a good present. You know that Christmas isn't just about getting gifts. It's about giving them and spreading good cheer and peace on earth and--"

"Would you shut up?" Jeff asked grumpily. "You sound like a damn Hallmark card." He sighed unhappily and looked around. The mall was with so many shoppers that it was ridiculous. It was going to take them forever to get this stupid shopping done. "Who are we even getting presents for anyway?"

"Well you need to get Beth something and I need to get Candice and Maria their gifts. Then there's Hunter, Shawn, Dad, Shannon, Shane---"

"Well here's an interesting idea," Jeff said, cutting Matt off. "Why don't we just save us all the trouble and get them gift cards? That way it saves us the trouble of actually having to buy them crap."

Matt gave Jeff an exasperated look. "Gift cards are such a cop out. We need to get our friends actual gifts to show that we care."

Jeff sighed in exasperation. Matt was making this way more complicated than it needed to be. Gift cards were not a cop out. Gift cards saved the gift giver a whole bunch of time and trouble. Actual gifts were a pain in the ass unless you knew exactly what the other person wanted.

Mistaking Jeff's frustrated sigh as one of defeat, Matt dragged the Enigma into a jewlery store. "I heard Maria and Candice gushing about some necklaces the last time we were here," the dark haired man said. "And I know Beth was talking about a bracelet she wanted from here when you were only pretending to listen to her."

"Wait, how did you know that I actually wasn't listening to her?" Jeff asked.

Matt rolled his eyes. "Cuz that was the day you ate that entire pack of Jolly Ranchers. Believe me, that stupid candy was all you were focusing on then."

Jeff put his hands on his hips. "Jolly Ranchers are not just stupid candy. Jolly Ranchers are my life when I run out of Skittles and you won't buy me more."

"Whatever. Let's just get the jewlery and go."

Jeff rolled his eyes and wandered off to where the bracelets were. He just wanted to go get a slushie. Was that too much to ask? One slushie and he would be happy. But no, mean old Matt wouldn't go buy him a slushie. Apparently, just because he was thirty two years old, that meant that he had to buy his own slushies. _It's so unfair,_ he thought to himself. _I'm the baby of the family. I should be bought all the slushies I want._

There were a lot of really pretty bracelets that Beth would love and there was one really sparkly one that caught Jeff's attention. He went ahead and bought it for her, actually proud of himself for finding a good gift. "Ha!" he said as he and Matt left the store. "The bracelet I got Beth is way better than the stupid necklaces you got Maria and Candice."

Matt frowned. "You haven't even seen the--"

"I don't care! My present is better because I said it was!" Jeff stuck his tongue out and flipped his brother off to make his point.

Matt shook his head. "Wow, that's really mature Jeff."

"Oh fuck you Matty." Jeff looked away from Matt and saw the toy store that was nearby. "Oooohhhh! Toys!" He took off running as fast as he could. He wanted to look at the toys.

"Jeff! Get back here!" Matt ordered. "We're not looking in the toy store!"

"Oh yes we are!" Jeff replied. He kept running until he was actually in the toy store. He giggled happily and began looking around. He loved toys. Toys were awesome. He didn't care that he was supposedly too old for them. He was planning to keep playing with toys as long as he wanted.

All of a sudden, someone grabbed him from behind and scared the shit out of him, causing him to scream. The person immediately began to laugh. "Oh man Jeff, that is way too easy to do."

Jeff groaned and turned around so he could smack Hunter. "That's not funny you asshole! You really scared me!"

Hunter just kept laughing. "Oh it is funny. Believe me, it's fucking hilarious."

"It is not!" Jeff folded his arms over his chest. "What are you even doing here anyway?"

"Shawn's supposed to be here Christmas shopping for his kids," Hunter answered. "But I think he's more interested in getting stuff for himself."

"Hunter! Hunter! Come here and look at this!" Shawn yelled eagerly.

Hunter and Jeff exchanged looks before going over to see what had Shawn so excited. "Listen to this," Shawn said. He pressed a button on a red truck he was holding and squealed as it made noise. "See what I did? I made it go vroom vroom vroom!"

Jeff giggled. "Let me try!" He reached out to press the button only to get his hand slapped by Shawn. "Hey! What the hell was that for?"

"Mine!" Shawn snapped greedily. "You don't get to touch!"

Jeff glared at Shawn. "Hey! I'm the baby here and I should be allowed to touch whatever I want!"

Hunter tried to get in between them. "Jeff come on, there are other trucks--"

Jeff kicked Hunter between the legs and shoved him out of the way. He should have known that Hunter was going to take Shawn's side. Hunter always did that. It was annoying. "Gimmie!" Jeff shouted, grabbing on to the truck and trying to yank it out of Shawn's hands.

"No!" Shawn yelled back. He was doing everything he could to keep Jeff from getting it.

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Damn it old man, hand it over!"

"Never! You'll never take it alive!"

"It's a truck you stupid head! It's not alive!" Jeff was planning on pulling on the truck all day if he had to, suddenly got a great idea. He let go just as Shawn yanked back as hard as he could. The Hearbreak Kid fell down and the truck went flying out of his hands. It ended up hitting some random old lady right on the head and making her stumble and fall. "Holy crap!" Jeff exclaimed, putting his hands over his mouth to hide his giggles.

"Jeff!" Matt yelled, coming in just in time to see all that happened. "What the hell did you do?"

Jeff pointed at Shawn. "He did it!"

"I did not!" Shawn denied defensively. "You did it!"

Hunter, who was still holding on to his aching balls, got back up to his feet. "You are dead meat Hardy."

Jeff squeaked as he ran off. This was why he didn't like shopping. It always ended up with hiim getting chased. _Must not get caught by Hunter. Must not let that big nosed bastard catch me and kick me in my balls in retaliation. My balls like being not kicked. Must be like the Gingerbread Man and not get caught. Hehehe....I like gingerbread cookies. If I escape this with my life, I must go home and have Beth make me those cookies._


	63. Bored

Bored

Shawn twiddled his thumbs and stared at the TV. The first Home Alone movie was on but he didn't want to watch it. He had already seen it thirty times and he didn't feel like watching it again. Sighing, he grabbed the remote and began flipping through the channels. He didn't understand how there could be absolutely nothing on. Completely frustrated, he turned the TV off and looked at Hunter. His partner in crime was sleeping in the bed next to him. Stupid Hunter didn't have to worry about being bored. The big nose bastard was fast asleep. And he was snoring. Bastard. He always snored really really REALLY loud.

Shawn got out of bed and walked over to his bag that was sitting in the corner of the room. He needed to find something to entertain himself soon or he was going to go insane. "Where is it?" he muttered to himself. "I know Rebecca packed it for me. She always packs it for me. She's a good wife like that." He kept searching, getting more and more frustrated by the second. "Where is it? he whined. "Where did it go? I bet Jeff stole it. He's always--oh wait, here it is." He pulled out his red bouncy ball. It was his favorite thing in the whole world (besides his wife and kids that is...and that was just because he felt like he would go to hell if he didn't put them above the ball).

He kicked his bag back into the corner and began trying to walk while bouncing the ball at the same time. "Bouncy! Bouncy! Bouncy! Bo--aw!" The ball hit his shoe and rolled across the room. Not one to give up easily, he ran over and picked it up. "Bad ball!" Then he began bouncing it again. "Bouncy! Bouncy! Bouncy! Bo--aw! Bad ball! He chased after it again. "Bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy--hey, don't hit the chair! It didn't do anything to you!" He gasped. "Don't you give me that look! I'm not afraid to spank you if I have to! Bo--"

"Shawn! Would you shut the fuck up? I'm trying to sleep here!"

Shawn frowned. Hunter was wide awake now and he looked pissed. "How did you even hear me over your snoring?" Shawn asked. "I couldn't even hear myself think over that racket!"

Hunter rolled his eyes. "First of all Shawn, I know very well that you were not thinking. You don't even think when you need to, so there's no way in hell you were thinking just now."

"How do you know? You can't read my mind!"

"No, but I don't have to. I'm your best friend. I know stuff that even Rebecca doesn't know."

Shawn folded his arms over his chest. "Oh really? What do you know that she doesn't?"

"Let's see...you don't actually like her pot roast because it's too dry but you'll never say anything because you're afraid she'll withhold sex forever; you still think there are monsters under your bed and in your closet; you once tried to give yourself head when you were in bed and you thought I was asleep; you also tried to give yourself head when you were in the shower; oh and another time you tried to give yourself head while driving and you ran over four out of five members of the Spirit Squad and that's really why they're not with the WWE anymore..."

Shawn held up his hands. "Hey! There's no need to get personal!"

Hunter smirked. "Aw, are you upset because you still can't give yourself a blowjob?"

"No!" Shawn denied. "Besides, it's not like YOU can do it!"

"Sure I could!"

"Oh really? Well show me then."

"Fine! I will!" Hunter took off his pants and underwear and immediately began trying to accomplish what he said he could do. Shawn's jaw dropped, hardly believing Hunter was doing that right in front of him. He told himself to cover his eyes up because it was probably a sin to watch this, but it was like a train wreck; he honestly could not tear his eyes away from it.

"Damn it!" Hunter shouted after several failed attempts at his mission. "I can't reach! Shawn, come here and press my head down so I can get closer."

"No!" Shawn refused, completely horrified by that suggestion. "Put your pants back on! This is not right at all!"

Hunter rolled his eyes and muttered unhappily as he did what he was told. "You caught me on a bad night," he said defensively. "I haven't been doing my stretches so--"

"Just shut up Hunter," Shawn ordered. He tossed his red ball from hand to hand. "I'm bored and I need to be entertained."

"Watch TV then," Hunter replied as he laid back down. "I'm going to go back to sleep."

Shawn shook his head stubbornly. "There's nothing on TV! I've flipped through the channels a thousand times and I didn't find anything." He held up his bouncy ball. "You should bounce this with me. It's more fun to bounce it with someone else."

Hunter shook his head. "I'm not playing with your stupid ball Shawn. I'm going to sleep." He curled up under his covers and closed his eyes.

"My ball is not stupid!" Shawn yelled angrily. He jumped on top of Hunter and began slapping him. "You take it back! You take it back right now!"

"No!" Hunter refused. "It's stupid and I'm sticking to that opinion! Now get off me!"

Shawn refused to get off. His ball's honor had been insulted and now he had to defend it. "Bad Hunter! Bad! You hurt my ball's feelings!"

"Ack! Damn it Shawn! Quit hitting me!"

"Never!"

Hunter suddenly growled and he violently shoved Shawn off of him. Shawn fell off the bed and landed on the floor really hard. "Owie!" he shouted. "That hurt!"

"Well you should have stopped hitting me," Hunter replied. "I wouldn't have done that if you would have just knocked it off."

Shawn got up and got on his bed. He didn't like Hunter at the moment. "Stupid meanie," he muttered as he turned the TV back on. "Fucking big nose asshole."

If Hunter heard that, he chose to ignore that. In fact, he fell back asleep within a matter of minutes. Shawn tried once again to find something interesting to watch, but he once again failed to do that. He looked over at Hunter. Hunter was still snoring and it was annoying. Shawn bit his lower lip. Not only did his ball's honor still needed to be properly defended, but he was still bored. And an idea of how to kill both those birds with one stone had just popped into his head.

Being as quiet as possible, Shawn got up and went over to his bag in the corner again. This time he got a thing of shaving cream and a Sharpie out of it. _I'm so bad for doing this...but Hunter so deserves it._ He tip toed over to his longtime friend and shook the can of shaving cream as hard as he could. Resisting the urge to giggle, he sprayed the shaving cream all over Hunter's face and hair. By the time he was done, Hunter looked like a Santa Claus's long lost son. _Oh this is way too good_, Shawn thought as he bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. It was almost impossible to keep himself from laughing. Knowing that he was going to lose it soon, he moved Hunter's blanket down enough to write **SHAWN'S BITCH** in big bold letters right on Hunter's chest. _There we go. That's perfect._ Shawn put the shaving cream and Sharpie away and then laid down. The countdown to Hunter waking up was officially on.

XXXXXX

Hunter woke up about six hours later because he needed to pee. Grumbling under his breath, he got up, walked to the bathroom, did his business and then caught a look at himself in the mirror. Because he was so tired, it took him several minutes to realize what the hell was on him. When he did realize it though, he was not happy at all. He was completely covered in shaving cream and his chest said that he was Shawn's bitch.

"SHAWN! YOU ASSHOLE! I FUCKING HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!"

All Shawn did in response was laugh.

Hunter growled. Shawn was so fucking DEAD.


	64. Pants on the Ground

Pants on the Ground

"So let me get this straight," Matt said slowly. "You took a marker and wrote that Hunter was your bitch on his chest?"

"Yup," Shawn said with a nod.

"And now he's absolutely furious with you and wants to kick your ass."

"Uh huh."

"Yet you don't think think you brought an ass kicking on yourself?"

"Nope."

Matt sighed. He and Jeff were keeping Shawn company as he hid from Hunter, and it was becoming obvious that he was not going to take any responsibility for his actions. "Shawn, I hate to tell you this, but if you ever wrote that I was your bitch on my chest, I would kick your ass."

Jeff, who had been lost in his own little world up until this point, suddenly looked at Matt in shock. "You want to do WHAT with Shawn's ass?"

Matt rolled his eyes. "I said--"

"You would kick my ass?" Shawn said, exaggerating how hurt he was by Matt's statement. "After all we've been through together?" He sniffled a little bit. "I guess our relationship means nothing to you. You were just using me for my body!"

Matt blinked several times. He had no idea what Shawn was babbling about. "Shawn--"

Shawn suddenly began to sob. "Why do you close your eyes when we make love?"

"WHOA!" Jeff shouted. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!" He held up a package of Skittles. "Who ate all the red ones out of here? I've looked through this entire bag and there are no red skittles in here!"

Matt, who was still stunned by Shawn's question, completely ignored Jeff. "What in the world are you talking about?" he asked HBK. "Seriously dude, what the fuck are you talking about?"

Shawn shrugged and stopped pretending to sob like a little baby. "I don't know," he admitted. "But whenever you're in a bind, you should say that to someone. You would be amazed how much that throws people off."

Matt frowned. "If it throws people off so much, why don't you just use it on Hunter and get him to stop being mad at you?"

Shawn shook his head. "I tried it once before. You want to know the answer he gave me when I asked him that?"

"No," Matt replied honestly. "I'm actually too chicken to even want to know."

Shawn went ahead and told him anyway. "He said I make funny faces when I cum."

Matt shuddered and made a gagging noise. He had not needed to hear that.

"Matty!" Jeff whined. He was being ignored and he absolutely hated that. He needed to be in the center of everyone's attention or all was not right in his world. "Where are my red skittles? Did you eat them? Because we've talked about this!"

"I didn't eat your Skittles Jeff," Matt said, already losing his patience with Jeff. He was not in the mood to deal with Jeff's antics today.

Jeff pouted and looked at Shawn. Shawn immediately shook his head. "Nope. Wasn't me."

Jeff groaned and stomped his foot unhappily. "Well I didn't read all the red ones! And if it wasn't me, then it was someone else!"

Matt shook his head. "Jeff, there's nobody stupid enough to touch your skittles besides Shawn--"

"Hey!" Shawn said, obviously offended by that.

"Sorry, but it's true," Matt replied. He looked at Jeff. "You do things all the time that you don't remember later. You probably ate those fucking Skittles yourself."

That was obviously not the right thing to say. Jeff scowled and folded his arms over his chest. "Someone here could be lying," he announced. "And if you don't tell me the truth right this second, I'll be forced to do something really bad!"

Matt sighed in exasperation and looked at Shawn. If anyone here had ate the skittles besides Jeff, it was Shawn. But Shawn looked just as confused as Matt was, which meant he hadn't done it. If Shawn had done it, the innocent look on his face would have looked a lot more forced. Shawn wasn't as good at trying to pretend he didn't do something like he thought he was.

"Fine! Be that way!" Jeff exclaimed. He took a deep breath and began to sing this: "Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground! Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground!"

Matt slapped his forehead. He and Jeff had watched that episode of American Idol, and now he was wishing that they hadn't. Jeff wouldn't stop singing that fucking song. "Jeff please--"

"Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground! Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground!"

Shawn leaned over towards Matt. "Are those the only words from that song he remembers?"

"Probably," Matt replied.

Jeff jumped forward all of a sudden and yanked Shawn's pants down. "Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground! Lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground!"

Matt's jaw dropped open in shock. "Shawn is that a thong?"

Shawn turned a deep shade of red as he quickly pulled his pants back up. "Jeff! Why the hell would you do that?"

Jeff just cackled and went for Matt's pants. Matt quickly blocked that attempt though. "Oh hell no little brother!" he exclaimed. "There's no way you're doing that shit to me!"

Jeff pouted for a second but then he just pushed past Matt and left the room. Matt looked at Shawn before chasing after his younger brother. He could sense that Jeff was up to no good in at the moment.

As it turned out, he was one hundred percent right about what Jeff was up too. Jeff was not only still singing the song, but he was randomly pulling down people's pants as he did so. "Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground! Lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground. Hey camera man, your pants are on the ground! And so are your pants Evan! I'm Jeff mother fucking Hardy and all your pants be down on the ground!"

"I'm going to kick him right in the face," Shawn vowed. He had followed Matt out of the room and his face was still red with embarrassment.

Matt frowned. "That doesn't sound like a very Christian thing to say."

Shawn frowned back. "I wouldn't expect it to." He pointed to Jay, who was just getting his pants pulled down by Jeff. "Christian's over there. He doesn't kick people in the face."

Matt rolled his eyes. "That wasn't what I meant you douche!"

Shawn kept frowning. "What is a douche anyway? I don't know why people use it as an insult." He scratched his head and stuck his tongue out of the corner of his mouth.

Before Matt could answer, he saw Hunter and Stephanie attempting to storm over to them. But before they got very far, they ended up running into Jeff. Jeff wasted no time in pulling Hunter's pants down. "Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground! Lookin like a fool with your--hey! Let go!" He tried to fight off Hunter's and Stephanie's hands, but he failed. Within seconds, he was the fool with his pants on the ground.

Stephanie crossed her arms over her chest. "Now what have you learned?" she asked.

Jeff looked down at himself and then grinned. "That I'm one hot looking fool," he replied.

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "You are so--oh my God!"

Matt's jaw dropped. Hunter had just taken it upon himself to pull down Stephanie's pants for her. "Oh man, he is just asking for it," he muttered.

"Hunter!" Stephanie shrieked. "Why would you do that?"

Hunter smirked. "Because I could."

In a rage, Stehpanie began screaming and smacking Hunter as hard as she could. Matt began laughing as hard as he could until he felt a tugging on his own pants. He tried to block it but it was too late. His pants were now also on the ground.

"Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground! Lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground!" Shawn sang. He was jumping up and down and pointing at Matt.

Matt glared at him. "You are so dead!" he snarled.

Shawn paled and ran away. Matt tried to chase after him but fell because his pants were still around his ankles. _Oh damn, I really look like a fool. That's it, he's so dead when I get my hands on him. _


	65. Run Shawn, Run!

Run Shawn, Run!

Shawn's lungs felt like they were on fire. He had been running for quite awhile now and he was starting to get really tired. The only problem was though was that he couldn't stop running yet. Both Matt and Hunter were chasing him and if he stopped now, he was going to get killed. Hunter was still mad about being written on and Matt was more than a little upset from the pants on the ground thing. Shawn thought that they were both completely overreacting. Everyone had already known that Hunter was his bitch and if Matt hadn't wanted to look like a fool, he should have been paying attention and not let his pants get on the ground.

Shawn entered the first room that he saw and slammed the door shut behind him. That caused Vince to nearly jump right out of his chair. "Michaels!" he barked, glaring at Shawn angrily. "What the hell are you doing in here?"

"Hiding!" Shawn replied, glaring right back at Vince. "Now be quiet! If anyone heard you say my name, they're gonna come in here and hurt me."

"I don't give a rat's ass!" Vince yelled. "You get out!" He suddenly looked down at his lap. "Damn it Cole, did I tell you that you could stop?"

Shawn blinked, not sure if he had just heard that right. "Uh...Vince?"

"Don't you give me that look!" Vince growled, completely ignoring Shawn now. "Get back to work. Harder! Faster! I'm Vince McMahon damn it! Your job depends on how good you do this!"

Shawn's jaw dropped. He could hardly believe what he was hearing. Part of his brain was telling him to just get out of the room as fast as he could, but his curiosity got the better of him, and he ended up walking around to the other side of Vince's desk. That was where he found Michael Cole polishing Vince's shoes. "Uh...what the hell?" he said incredulously.

Vince glared at him again. "Well how else do you think he's been keeping his job all these years? Now get out before I make you do his next chore!"

"What's his next chore?"

"Washing my underwear!"

That made Shawn run away again. There was no way in hell that he was going to wash Vince's crusty underwear if he could help it. "Must run away. Must run away. Must run away," he chanted under his breath as he ran through the hallway. "Must run away. Must run--oh shit!" He skidded to a stop before turning around and running the other direction. He had almost run right into Hunter and now his long time partner in crime almost had him in his grasp.

"Get back here!" Hunter yelled as loud as he could. "Michael Shawn Hickenbottom, you fucking stop right this second!"

"No!" Shawn refused. He started knocking shit over so that there were obstacles in Hunter's path. "And don't use my real name! I hate that name!"

"I don't care!" Hunter growled. He was trying to hop over all the stuff Shawn was putting in his path. "You are so fucking--ow!" He ended up tripping and falling, which gave Shawn his oppertunity to get away. Knowing that he wasn't going to have much time before Hunter got back up, he went into another room. There was a sign on the door, but he didn't take the time to read it. That ended up being a mistake because he ended up going right into the girls locker room. "Oh my God!" he yelled.

"Oh my God!" Maria screeched right back as she wrapped her towel even more tightly around her. She, Eve, Mickie and Layla had obviously just gotten out of the shower. "Shawn!"

"What the hell?" Mickie yelled incredulously.

Shawn was too shocked to even think about closing his eyes. Instead he put his hands up and tried to explain the situation. "I'm sorry I--"

"Rape!" Layla screamed. "Rape!"

"Wait, why are you yelling rape? I'm like six feet away from you! I can't rape you from all the way over here!"

Eve just pointed to the door. "Just get out Shawn!" she ordered. "Now!"

"Okay okay!" Shawn said. "I'm going I'm going!" He tried to escape but at that moment, Beth Phoenix emerged from the shower area. She took one look at him and went absolutely crazy. "GEEEETTTTT OOOOUUUUUTTTT!" she roared at the top of her lungs as she ran at him and started beating him up with her bare hands.

"OW OW OW OW OW I'M TRYING YOU CRAZY LADY!" Shawn yelled, trying to defend himself as best as he could. He knew that it wasn't right for him to even think about hitting a lady, but for her he was ready to make an exception.

Beth snarled before grabbing him by the back of the neck and tossing him out of the room on his ass. Shawn took several deep breaths as the door slammed shut behind him. He felt lucky to be alive at the moment. After takikng another minute to regain his composure, he got up to his feet and went to another room.

Mark looked up at him and before he even got a chance to shut the door, the Deadman shook his head. "Don't even think about it Michaels," he warned.

Shawn sighed and quickly left. He felt so unloved. He went down the hall and turned the corner before going into a janitor's closet. "This should be safe," he said as he shut the door behind him. "I mean, who could be in---" His voice died in his throat as he felt someone behind him. "Uh...what the fuck?" he muttered as he turned around. Very hesitantly, he reached up and pulled the chain so the light would come on and he could see who was in here with him.

"I am the Boogeyman! And I'm coming to get you!"

Shawn let out the girliest scream of his life as he got back out of that closet as fast as he could. Almost immediately though, he ran into Matt and Hunter. He tried to get away from them, but they managed to grab him and they began carrying him away. "No!" he protested loudly. "No don't! Put me down!"

"Oh we're going to put you down somewhere," Matt said evilly. "But it's not going to be where you want it to be."

Shawn screamed again and kept trying to fight them off. "Hunter help me! I'm your friend!"

Hunter shook his head. "Sorry Shawn, but we need to teach you a lesson."

"Why? I don't want to learn! I don't even know how to read!" That last part wasn't true, but Shawn thought he might get sympathy points if he said it.

Unfortunately, he didn't get those sympathy points. What he got was dumped right into a dumpster. "Oh gross!" he yelled unhappily as the lid was shut and he was stuck in the stinky pit of doom. He could hear Hunter and Matt laughing and it made him pout. "Meanies!" he shouted. "I'll get you back for this, I swear I will!"

"Bring it on Michaels!" Matt replied. "We're not scared of you."

Shawn scowled. _Maybe you aren't now, but you will be Matt. You'll be scared very very soon._


	66. Anger Management

Anger Management

Jeff put his hands on his hips and glared at everyone. Matt and Hunter were on one side of him and Shawn was on his other side. Ever since Matt and Hunter had put Shawn in the dumpster, the Heartbreak Kid had been desperately been seeking payback. The only problem was that he wasn't a match for Matt and Hunter when they were working together. They kept thwarting his attempts at revenge, which pissed Shawn off and the hissy fits he was throwing were threatening to tear the group apart. That was why Jeff had called for this meeting. Everyone was really starting to get on his nerves and he wanted to make them knock it off.

"This is getting out of control," he declared, making sure to glare at all of them. "I mean it. Yesterday you all knocked Skittles out of my hand when you were fighting and I had to eat them off the floor."

Matt frowned. "Jeff we've talked about that. You're not supposed to do that anymore."

Jeff rolled his eyes. "They were _Skittles_ Matt. I couldn't let them go to waste on the floor. And that's not even what we need to be concerned about right now."

"What are we supposed to be concerned about anyway?" Hunter asked. "I don't want to be concerned. That puts too much stress on me, and you know what stress causes right?"

Jeff just stared blankly at him. "No," he replied bluntly. "And I don't care."

"Well you should care," Hunter snapped. "Because it causes wrinkles. And wrinkles are not cool. I mean, look at Shawn. He obviously--" His eyes widened as Shawn growled and took a threatening step towards him. "Matt! Save me!" He jumped behind the oldest Hardy brother and trembled in fear.

Jeff grabbed Shawn and pushed him back. "Stop it!" he yelled. "I've had enough! You people are driving me insane!"

"They started it!" Shawn whined.

"No we didn't!" Matt snapped. "You did!"

"Yeah!" Hunter agreed. He was still hiding behind Matt.

"You--"

"SHUT UP!" Jeff screamed, making the other three jump. "I can't take this anymore! You are going to start getting alone and you're going to do it right now!"

"But how?" Shawn asked. "We've got all this anger stored up inside of us…it's a force that can't be stopped!"

Jeff shook his head. "Au contraire Senor Michaels. It can be stopped. You see, back when I lived in a Tibetan monastery--"

"You've never lived in a Tibetan monastery," Matt interrupted.

Jeff glared at his older brother. "Must you spoil things with facts?"

Matt just rolled his eyes.

Jeff took a deep breath and fought the urge to slap Matt as he went on. "Anyway, as I was saying, back when I lived in a Tibetan monastery, the monks there taught me that instead of taking my anger out on others, I should meditate and let the peace find me…or something like that. I wasn't actually listening because there was something shiny on the floor and I was wanting to pick it up."

"Of course you were," Hunter muttered.

Jeff ignored that comment and sat down cross legged on the floor. "Come on, sit down," he said. "We need to mediate the anger out of us."

"Do we have to?" Shawn asked. "This will be so much more simple if I'm allowed to kick Hunter and Matt in the face."

"Shawn, if you do not sit down this second, I will make you regret that you were ever born," Jeff threatened.

Shawn let out a dramatic sigh and plopped down on the floor. Matt sat down too, obviously not wanting to fight with Jeff. Despite being the only one standing, Hunter didn't automatically sit down. "This is stupid," he declared. "I don't want to do this."

"Too bad," Jeff said. "You're doing it."

Hunter shook his head. "No way. I'll feel like an idiot."

"Well you're already an idiot, so that excuse won't work with us," Shawn snapped.

"Screw you Shawn," Hunter snapped. He tried to walk away but Matt grabbed him by the waistband of his jeans and forced him to sit down. "Hey! What the hell are you doing Matt? I thought we were friends!"

Matt shook his head. "Just sit down and get this over with Hunter."

Hunter glared at Matt but gave in. "Fine. But I still thinks this is stupid."

"Oh stop pretending like we care about what you think," Jeff said impatiently. He took a deep breath and put his hands out his side. "The first thing you need to do is cross your legs and put your hands out like this. This gets you in the zone. Once you're in the zone, you close your eyes like this--" He quickly closed his eyes-- "and say "Hummmmmmm". The humming is very important. Without it, you are not meditating. You're just sitting there like a moron. Now come on, do it with me."

"Hummmmmmmmmmmmmm," Shawn, Matt and Hunter all said at the same time. Jeff joined them, and for one brief moment, they achieved complete peace and harmony. But that ended when Hunter had to go and open his big mouth.

"This floor is hurting my ass," he announced. "I want to get up."

"Shut up Hunter," Matt ordered. "Nobody wants to hear about your ass."

"You should," Hunter snapped. "My ass is a very important thing. If it's not comfortable, I will make all of your lives a living hell."

"Whatever dumbass."

"Hummmmmmmm," Jeff said, hoping to get the two of them back on track.

"My legs are getting a cramp," Shawn complained.

"Already?" Matt said incredulously. "We haven't even been sitting for five minutes yet!"

"Yeah but he's the old man of the group," Hunter pointed out. "He can't sit down like us young folk."

"You're not much younger than me Hunter, so shut your fucking mouth!" Shawn snapped.

"HUMMMMMMMMMM!" Jeff said extra loudly, opening his eyes and glaring at everyone. They were ruining his meditating damn it.

Hunter shook his head. "At least I'm not going bald like you Shawn!" he stated boldly.

Shawn's eyes darkened. That hair comment had crossed the line. Before Hunter could apologize, Shawn had jumped up and lunged himself at Hunter. The two of them began rolling all around the floor, hitting each other in the face and pulling each other's face. Matt jumped into the fray and started trying to put a sleeper hold on. Jeff scowled. This had gone on long enough. If they weren't going to end this, he would do it for them. He got up and jumped into the fray, landing on Matt's back and putting him in a sleeper hold of his own.

"Jeff wait," Matt said. He got up and started trying to get Jeff off of him. "I can't breathe…"

Jeff really didn't care at the moment. He kept the sleeper hold locked in until Matt had nearly passed out. Then he finally let go and proceeded to super kick Shawn and take Hunter down with a clothesline. Then he gave the Game a leg drop for good measure. "You should have meditated you dumbasses!" he snapped. He kicked Matt in the ass and stormed out of the room. Now he was too annoyed to mediate, which meant that he had to go do the other activity that relaxed him. _Where meditation ends, masturbation begins._

…

**A/N: ~giggles~ That last line came from a Twitter conversation with RRatedauthor. I think it's something worth knowing.**

**On a side note, RRatedauthor and I have collaborated on yet another story together. It's called Strange Bedfellows and it's under his profile page (I need to put a cheap plug in here…without DX, I'm not getting my daily recommended dose of them).**


	67. Demonic Hellspawn Part 1

Demonic Hellspawn, Part 1

"Guys, we've got a problem," Jeff announced.

Matt nodded. "We sure do."

Shawn looked back and forth between the two brothers. "Are you two talking about the same thing that I'm thinking about?"

Jeff looked at Matt. "I'm talking about the fact that Stephanie's pregnant _again_," he said.

"Oh. Well I was talking about the fact that _both_ Candice and Maria want me to impregnate them," Matt said.

Shawn sighed dramatically. "Well shit. I was just coming here to complain about the fact that I was out of ice cream again." He pouted and folded his arms over his chest. "Way to make me feel insignificant you guys!"

Jeff rolled his eyes. Shawn was being a drama queen, like usual. "Since when have Candice and Maria wanted babies?" he asked Matt.

"Since Stephanie got pregnant again," Matt answered. "They found out and they found the news so exciting that they decided they wanted babies of their own. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to the _act_ of getting them knocked up. But I'm not ready for kids. I'm really not. Having kids means taking responsibility for them and that's not something I want to do. I'm too young to be tied down to two babies!"

Jeff frowned. "Wait, aren't you already tied down to two balls and chains? Why would two more be a big deal?"

Matt sighed. "Well how would you feel if Beth wanted a baby?"

Jeff's eyes widened. "No! No baby! I'm the baby! Beth can't have a baby cuz then I won't be the baby anymore!" He started stomping his feet while making a loud whining noise. "Matty, tell her she can't have a baby!"

Matt just stood there and blinked for a couple of minutes before shaking his head in disbelief. "Wow Jeff. That was remarkably immature, even for you."

Jeff didn't actually care. What he cared about was not having a baby."

Shawn shook his head. "I'm glad Rebecca isn't telling me we should have more babies. I love Cameron and Cheyenne to death but they're both way more mature than I am. It makes me feel bad about myself."

"That's exactly why I don't want to have any," Jeff said. "But if Maria and Candice want them now, it's only a matter of time before Beth wants one." He sighed. "This is all Stephanie's vagina's fault. If it didn't appeal to Hunter so much, he wouldn't have as much sex with her and then she wouldn't keep getting knocked up every other year."

Matt shook his head. "I think Hunter's penis is the problem. All it wants is sex and Stephanie has no choice but to give in."

"Now hold on a second," Shawn said. "It's not the penis or the vagina's fault. It's the sperm and ovaries fault. Obviously Hunter has extremely potent semen and Stephanie's ovaries are producing twice as many eggs as the average woman."

Jeff cocked his head to the side. "But how do we determine which one is more at fault? I mean, it can't be as simple as 50/50 blame."

Shawn thought about that. "Well I suppose one of us could have sex with Stephanie while Hunter has sex with one of your girlfriends. I'm sure that would probably prove something."

"Uh…let me point out a couple of flaws with that plan," Matt said. "First of all, none of us could impregnate Stephanie until she has the baby that's in her right now because she can't get pregnant again until then. And second of all, do you really want to sic Hunter on our women? I mean seriously, isn't it scary enough he's spawning with Stephanie? Do we need to add anymore children to his growing army?"

Jeff and Shawn gasped. They hadn't thought about the fact that Stephanie and Hunter could possibly be raising their own army. "Oh my God," Jeff said under his breath. "What if they don't ever stop having children? What if they just keep having more and more and more until they have a full size army at their disposal?"

Shawn's eyes got as wide as dinner plates. "Oh God…it'll surpass the DX Army…it'll be more terrifying than Evolution…it'll be the McMahon-Helmsley era, part two!"

Matt shuddered. "No! We can't allow that to happen! We all barely survived that the last time around!"

Jeff took a deep breath. "We must put a stop to this unholy army before its too late."

"But how?" Shawn grabbed Jeff by the shirt and began shaking him frantically. "How do we do it? Tell me Jeff!"

"Ack! Quit shaking me!" Jeff ordered. He pushed Shawn away from him and smoothed down his shirt. "We should probably find Stephanie first. She's the one who's carrying Hunter's newest hellspawn."

Since neither Matt or Shawn had objections to that, that's what they did. It didn't take them too long to find the Billion Dollar Princess. She was sitting at her desk in her office, looking over some paperwork while holding Murphy in her lap. Aurora was on the floor, playing with her toys, and she was the one that looked up and saw them all come in. "You pay with me!" she ordered. She got up to her feet and grabbed a toy hammer. "Pay with me!"

Jeff, Matt and Shawn froze. "Oh my God!" Jeff exclaimed. "She's already has a kid size sledgehammer! Hunter's already training her for world domination!"

"Hey!" Stephanie said, looking up and glaring at them. "Would you tone it down? I'm on the phone here!"

"Uncle Shawn!" Aurora said impatiently. "Pay wit me!"

Shawn wrung his hands together nervously. "Maybe later honey."

She shook her head. "No! You pay now! We pay whack mole!" She started hitting Shawn on the legs with the toy hammer.

"Oh my God!" Jeff yelled. "It's started! Run for your lives!" He grabbed Shawn and Matt and they began running away. They didn't get far though because as soon as they were halfway down the hallway, they ran into Hunter.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Hunter asked. "You want to go get something to eat?"

"No!" Jeff yelled. "We will not eat with your big nosed, world dominating planning ass!"

Hunter's jaw dropped. "Ouch! My feelings!"

"Sorry buddy!" Shawn said as they ran away. "I--owie! Matt! Why did you elbow me?"

"We do not say sorry to the enemy!" Matt hissed. "Are you trying to get us all killed?"

"I just--"

"Just be quiet Shawn. I'm going to come up with a plan to save us all, okay?"

"Okay," Shawn and Jeff agreed. Matt was smarter than them, which was a good thing because given the gravity of the situation in front of them, they needed a good plan. Without one, the earth was definitely doomed.


	68. Demonic Hellspawn Part 2

Demonic Hellspawn Part 2

"Daddy, what are we listening to?" Aurora asked from the backseat of the car.

"Lady Gaga," Hunter answered as he pulled into the garage. He had just gone to the grocery store to get some milk and she had insisted on coming with him. Stephanie and Murphy were both taking a nap so she had nobody else to hang out with.

Aurora frowned and tilted her head to the side. "Who?"

"Some really popular singer that allegedly has both male and female genitals," he answered without even thinking about what he was coming out of his mouth.

"Well what are genitals?"

Hunter stopped and gulped. Stephanie was going to kill him if she ever heard Aurora asking that. "I'll tell you that when you're older, okay?" he offered. "And I'll give you lots of ice cream if you never _ever_ ask Mommy that question. Do we have a deal?"

Aurora nodded happily. "Deal!"

Satisfied, Hunter switched the car off before getting out himself. As he was walking around to the other side of the vehicle to get his daughter out, he could have sworn he heard something. But as he went to look, he was grabbed from behind and forced to sit down in a lawn chair that he and Stephanie had stashed in there ages ago. "What the hell?" he yelled as he tried to yank himself free.

"Sorry man, but this is for humanity's own good," Jeff said as he and Matt tied him down to the chair.

"Yeah," Matt agreed. "We can't let you keep producing at this rate. We've got too much to lose if your numbers get too large."

Hunter looked at his friends like they were insane (which he already knew that they were…but that was beside the point). "What do you mean my numbers?" He tried to get himself out of the ropes. "Look, whatever you think I'm doing, I'm not doing it!" He gave Shawn a desperate look. "Shawn come on, you're my bestest friend in the whole wide world. You believe me don't you?"

Shawn looked apprehensive. "I want to…but I can't take that chance." He opened up the car door and smiled at Aurora. "Hey baby girl," he said cheerfully.

"Hi Uncle Shawn!" Aurora said back just as cheerfully. "Why do you and Dumb and Dumber have Daddy tied up?"

"Hey!" Jeff whined. "I'm not dumb! And Matt…well okay, he's dumber but--OW! Shawn, Matt hit me!"

"You deserved it you little bastard," Matt grumbled.

"Did not!"

"Hey!" Aurora said loudly. "My question didn't get answered!"

Shawn sighed and got her out of her seat. "Listen, Dumb and Dumber need to play a little game with your daddy," he explained. "So why don't you and I go outside and play for awhile?"

Aurora smiled. "Okay Uncle Shawn." She waved at Hunter. "Have fun Daddy!"

Hunter shook his head frantically. "No! Aurora don't believe them! They're--" He was cut off by Jeff's hand covering his mouth, so he immediately just bit down on it because that was his instinct.

"Ouchies!" Jeff cried out as he quickly moved his hand back. "Matty! He bit me!"

Matt smacked Hunter upside the head. "No biting!" he scolded. "Or I'll pull your teeth right out of your mouth."

Hunter shook his head in disbelief. He felt so lost and confused and unloved at the moment. "Guys come on, cut this crap out," he pleaded. "This isn't even a funny joke. This is just stupid."

"We're not joking dude," Matt said in a very serious voice. "You having two kids was bad enough. But a third one…you're raising an army Hunter. You must be stopped." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a scalpel.

"Uh…what the fuck are you going to do with that?" Hunter asked nervously. He really did not like where all of this was going.

Jeff giggled as he undid Hunter's jeans. "We choppy choppy your wee wee!" he declared.

"WHAT?" Hunter yelled. He started fighting to get free even more. There was no way in hell that he was going to let this happen. He happened to like his wee wee, thank you very much. "Stephanie! Help me!"

Matt quickly shoved a dirty greasy rag into Hunter's mouth to shut him up. "I still say we should have brought something with us to numb him up," he said as he started helping Jeff get Hunter's jeans out of the way. "I mean, he might be plotting world domination with an army, but he's still our friend."

Jeff shook his head. "If he doesn't feel the pain, he'll just get it reattached and procreate some more. Doing it like this is the only way he's ever going to learn."

Hunter let out a muffled protest as the scalpel started getting closer and closer to his most beloved body part. _Oh my God, if they actually do this I'm going to kill them…_

"What is going on out here?"

Matt and Jeff froze as Stephanie (who had baby Murphy in her arms) came into the garage from the house. Hunter let out a sigh of relief. He had never been so happy to see his wife in his life. "Uh…go away!" Jeff ordered. "We're busy."

Stephanie just glared at him. "No, I will not go away. Now I don't know what is going on out here, but it's going to stop right now. You understand me?"

"Oh yeah? And what if we don't want to stop?" Jeff asked. "What then?"

"I choppy choppy YOUR wee wee!"

Hunter raised his eyebrows as Jeff shrieked in fright. In all of his years of being with Steph, he would have never thought that he would ever hear her say those words.

Suddenly Shawn came running back into the garage, looking terrified out of his mind. "Help!" he said as he hid behind Matt and Jeff. "She's going to eat me!"

Aurora giggled. "You're silly Uncle Shawn. I just want to play with you…forever…and ever…and ever…"

Matt's eyes widened. "Retreat!" he ordered. "Retreat now!"

Hunter watched his idiotic friends while shaking his head. Not only had that been weird, but it had really pissed him off. How dare they try to cut off his love gun? _There will be retribution for this,_ he vowed as Stephanie untied him. _They will rue the day that they messed with me…at least I think they will, if rue means what I think it does. Hmmm…should I look it up? Nah, I'm Triple H. Words mean what I want them to mean._


	69. Hunter's Revenge

Hunter's Revenge

"I can't believe them," Hunter said in disbelief. It was the day after he had almost lost his penis and he was still having a hard time coming to terms with what had happened. "I can't! Steph they…they…they…" His voice trailed off and he tried to collect himself. It didn't really work out so well. "They almost took my manhood!" he exclaimed tearfully, looking down at his groin. "Poor Hunter Jr. He's so unloved."

Stephanie shook her head in disgust. "Those idiots have gone too far," she declared. "They can believe we're raising an army all they want but what they tried to do was unacceptable. They must be punished and they must be punished severely."

Hunter's eyes widened. "Are you going to wear your dominatrix outfit?" he asked eagerly. "Because that would be hot."

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "No, I'm not going to wear my dominatrix outfit."

"Why not?"

"Because you're the one that's going to be giving out the punishment."

Hunter's face paled. "But…but…what if they try to womanize me again? I can't go through that again Steph. Why can't you do it? You're a woman already. You don't have a dick they can cut off."

She gave him an exasperated look. "I'm pregnant Hunter. I can't go after them in this condition. What if something bad happened to me and it hurt the baby?"

Hunter frowned. "But you're Stephanie. Nothing ever happens to you." He wrapped his arm around her. "Besides, they're terrified of you, so they'll never really touch a hair on your head." He pouted his lips and gave her his best kicked puppy dog face. "Come on, help me out here. Avenge me and be my wife in no clothes."

Stephanie glared at him and he slowly began backing away from her. He knew what the look meant. "Hunter, I am a hormonal time bomb at the moment," she said, advancing on him like a shark that smelled blood. "If I deal with your idiot friends right now, I will kill them, which will get me in big trouble with Dad. Now I know you're scared but you better man up and reclaim your balls so I can go back to plotting world domination in peace."

Hunter's jaw dropped at that last part. "What did you just say?" he asked, not sure if he heard her right.

She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. "I said you better get Sledgey so you can threaten to smash them into little pieces. That should scare them."

Hunter was pretty sure that had not been what she had just said, but he wasn't going to argue with her. That was just wasn't something that was wise to do. Not if he wanted to live to see the birth of his child anyway. "Okay," he agreed.

"Sledgey and I will take care of business. But if they get the best of me and chop of Hunter Jr. I want you to know that he loves you."

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "I love him too," she replied. "Not get going. Dinner is in a couple of hours and you can't be late. We're eating dinner with my parents."

Hunter groaned. "Oh joy."

"What was that?"

"Nothing. I said nothing."

…

"How much longer do we have to hide in here?" Shawn asked. He, Matt and Jeff had barricaded themselves into a hotel room and were currently hiding under the covers together. "I'm getting really hot and I'm find of afraid that Jeff's going to fart."

"I'm not gonna fart!" Jeff said defensively. "Why would you say that?"

"Because I saw you eating that burrito from Taco Bell earlier," Shawn replied. "You're a disaster waiting to happen."

"I am not! You take that back right now!"

"Guys, would you please shut up?" Matt said in exasperation. "I'm trying to think of another plan here."

Shawn snorted. "I hope it works out better than your last one. The whole choppy choppy the wee wee thing never works out well for anyone."

"Yeah well, you didn't come up anything better!" Matt said defensively.

"That's because I'm just here to look pretty," Shawn said defensively.

"Guys, I has a weird feeling in my tummy," Jeff complained.

Matt and Shawn looked at each other before quickly jumping out of the bed. They knew what was coming and refused to stick around and get caught in the evil Dutch oven. "That was too close," Matt said with a sigh.

Shawn nodded. "Yeah, I--" He stopped when he heard something up in the ceiling. "Did you guys hear that?"

"Hear what?" Jeff asked with a frown.

Matt put his hand up to shush Jeff and looked up. "I heard it," he said quietly. "I don't know what it was but I heard it."

They all listened as the creaking noise coming from the ceiling get louder and louder. Just as Shawn was starting to get really worried, the ceiling caved in and Hunter fell out of it and landed on the bed with Jeff.

"Oh my god!" Shawn shouted.

"Holy shit!" Matt exclaimed.

"Matty!" Jeff screamed. "Help, he's going to kill me!"

Hunter just laid there and groaned. "I landed on Sledgey," he complained. He pushed himself up and grabbed on to his beloved weapon. "Oh Sledgey, that hurt." He spotted Jeff trying to get away and he quickly grabbed on to him and held the sledgehammer up to his throat. "Nobody move or I'll bash his throat in!"

Matt put up his hands and gave Hunter a pleading look. "Hey man, don't do anything crazy here, okay? Jeff's an innocent boy and he doesn't need to get hurt."

Jeff whimpered and kicked his feet. "Matty help me!" he pleaded. "Hunter's gonna beat me and it's gonna hurt!"

Shawn gulped and hid behind Matt. He knew Hunter was furious about what they had tried to do and he knew that they were in big trouble for it. "Look Hunt, we're sorry about what happened. We were just trying to stop world domination. We didn't mean--"

"There is no plot for world domination!" Hunter shouted angrily. "There never has been and there never will be, you fucking morons!" He took a deep breath and smirked. "Now Stephanie said I need to get revenge…and since I've got Sledgey with me, I'm going to tell you exactly what's going to happen here."

Shawn shuddered. He hated the sound of that.

…

After a long day of promotional work, Mark was exhausted and ready to go back into his hotel room and go to sleep. He wasn't even paying attention to Glenn as he rattled on about stuff he didn't even care about. Part of him actually wanted to tell the bald man to shut up, but he didn't because that was just going to cause a headache inducing fight.

"Are you even listening to me?" Glenn finally asked.

Mark shook his head. "Nope."

Glenn rolled his eyes. "Oh that's great. You are such a--what the fuck?"

Mark frowned as Glenn put the car to a stop. Out in front of the hotel, tied up to the flag pole was Shawn, Jeff and Matt, who were completely and totally naked. "Uh…what the fuck?" Glenn asked.

Mark shook his head. "Glenn, when it comes to these idiots, not knowing is the best for everyone. Believe me, I know."


	70. Inside of the Enigma 2

Inside the Mind of the Enigma Part 2

April 23rd, 2010

I want to kill Drew McIntyre. I really do. But it's not because he's being a big dickface to Matty. Oh no, my reason for hating him is much more important. It's so important that it's kept me from sleeping for the past two nights. It's actually so bad that I don't even want to write it down. But I'm going to because I need to get this off my chest before I explode into little tiny pieces.

He said Skittles were stupid and needed to die.

*pauses for dramatic effect*

Now I ask you this diary: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM???? Seriously…I don't know if there are words to describe how upset I am. There's no way that he's human. No human can diss Skittles like that. So what does that make him? An alien? Hmmm…no, can't be. Phil's an alien and I know he likes Skittles. And he can't be a vampire because he's not as pale as Sheamus…oh, I know what he is! He's a demon! That's the only reasonable explanation. Damn it, what's with Vince and hiring things that aren't human? I feel like Matt should complain or something.

Uh oh, Beth's coming over here. I should probably hide this thing. She seems to think I'm always plotting bad things in here. *snorts* I don't see how saving the world from evil demons is bad, but hey, to each his own. Or her own in this case. Unless she's been hiding something from me for all these years..

April 24th, 2010

After watching Supernatural for the past twelve hours, I am now educated enough to take down the evil demon that poses as the Intercontinental champion. Now all I need to do is get some salt and convince Matt to help me out with this whole thing. The Winchester brothers are very effective as a team but me and Matt can be like a hundred billion times more effective if we teamed up to hunt demons.

Ugh, why is Hornswoggle bugging me again. I swear, this freaking little leprechaun…ha! I just kicked him across the room! Shit, no wonder Hunter does that all the time. It was fun!

Okay, back to business. I need to figure out a way to convince Matt to go along with this plan. I know he's really into logical reasons for doing stuff, but that's exactly what I'm bad at. I'm an enigma damn it. No wait, I'm the fucking Charismatic Enigma. Logic ain't my bag baby. But still, I am going to need a plan. Matt likes plans. No wait, scratch that; he freaking LOVES plans. He loves them more than a fat kid loves cake. And you know how those fat kids are. They eat cake like it's the only cake left in the whole wide world! Hmmm…speaking of cake, I need to have Beth make me one. I can't make one myself because I always burn it. That makes me sad but oh well. I want good cake not burned up bad cake.

April 26th, 2010

Holy crap…I fell so lucky to be alive diary. Seriously, the past couple of day have been insane. After Beth made me a double layer double chocolate cake, I went over to Matt's house and found him playing with his computer. I think he was either on Twitter or Myspace. He likes those a whole bunch. I don't really but that's because people on the internet get mad when I don't use the space bar properly. Which really, I have to ask this: what if I don't want to use the space bar? Huh? It's not that I'm stupid or high to use. I just fucking don't like the thing. So there. Suck on that bitch tits.

Anyway, let's get back to the story.

"Uh oh," Matt said as I approached him.

"What?" I said innocently.

"Don't give me that look. You can't fool me. You're plotting something aren't you?"

I sighed. Matt knew me way too well. "Oh come on Matt, this is important," I insisted. "Drew McIntyre is a demon and he needs to be destroyed."

Matt blinked in surprise. "What did you just say?" he asked.

"Drew's a demon," I repeated. "And we need to play the role of the Winchester brothers so we can destroy him."

"The who brothers?"

"The Winchester brothers! Damn it, don't you watch Supernatural?"

"No," Matt replied.

I twitched and then slapped Matt across the face. "Damn it Matt! You can't be behind socially like this!" I shook my head before grabbing Matt's arm and pulling him up to his feet. "I guess I'll have to train you from scratch then."

Matt tried to fight me. He really did. But I didn't let him. I quickly got him acquainted with the demon fighting ways of the Winchester brothers. Now I couldn't get a gun to fire rock salt out of but I did have plenty of salt. And salt was a good weapon, according to Supernatural. Demons were afraid of salt, which explained Drew not eating French fries like a normal person.

"Jeff, I still think this is completely ridiculous," Matt said in exasperation. After I got him caught up to speed on the whole demon fighting business, I dragged him to the Smackdown locker room to begin our hunt for the Scottish demon. "Just because McIntyre is an asshole to me doesn't mean that he's a demon."

"I know but he also said Skittles must die," I replied. "And that--"

"Oh my God, is that what this is about? SKITTLES?!" Matt appeared to be angry about that.

I simply put my hand up to shush him because I thought I heard something. "Did you hear that?" I asked.

"Hear what?" Matt asked.

"Bagpipes," I replied. "I hear bagpipes."

Matt looked at me like I was absolutely insane. "I don't hear bagpipes Jeff," he informed me. "And you don't either."

"Well I don't now because you scared them away!" I snapped. I turned around and glared at him. "Why are you being so difficult about this? Why can't you be supportive? I mean, sure I'm doing it mostly for the Skittles but I'm also helping YOU out here! We kill Drew and then he stops beating the crap out of you and you might even get the Intercontinental title!"

Matt just sighed. "But Jeff he's not--oh crap."

I saw that he was staring at something behind me, so I turned back around. Drew was walking by and he sneered at me as he walked by. Determined to not let him get away, I took my salt and threw it right in his eyes. "Be gone Satan!" I yelled. "Eat this and go back to hell!" I tried to pour the salt into his mouth, figuring that could do the trick since I didn't have a gun or anything. But then he blindly knocked the salt out of my hands and started throttling me. "Help me!" I yelled. "Matty!"

Matt groaned before grabbing an empty coffee pot and smashing it over Drew's head. That knocked him out but before I could finish him off, Matt began dragging me away. "Hey! What are you doing?" I asked in confusion. "We have to finish the job!"

"No we do not," Matt replied. "Let me make this perfectly clear to you Jeff. Demons are not real. That means Drew cannot be a demon. But what is real is Vince McMahon and he is going to kill us when he sees what has happened to his golden boy."

So not only did I not get to kill Drew, but I probably really pissed him the fuck off. And now I'm counting down the days before he comes and tries to slaughter me. Beth thinks I've really lost it this time, but I haven't. I know what's really out there. Demons, aliens, vampires…they have to be stopped.

But not by me. At least not today. Right now, I'm going to hide under my covers and watch more Supernatural. Obviously I needed more training and the Winchesters were going to get it for me.

…

**A/N: This is what happens when you let your Jeff muse watch Supernatural with you *glares at Jeff***

**Jeff: *still hiding and plotting to kill Drew***


	71. A Nightmare Not on Elm Street

A Nightmare Not on Elm Street

"What's the matter with the two of you?" Matt asked Rebecca and Hunter, who looked absolutely exhausted. "You two look like you haven't slept in days."

"We haven't," Rebecca said. She rubbed her eyes and yawned before giving Hunter an angry glare. "Someone here took Shawn to see the new Nightmare on Elm Street movie--"

"He said he wanted to go!" Hunter said defensively. He was so tired that he was actually whining, which was not a good sound coming from him. It was just really weird because he sounded like he was imitating Stephanie when she used to run around being a brat on TV. "How was I supposed to know he would act like this?"

"You've been his friend for thirteen years now! You should have known that that movie was really going to scare him!"

"Wait, he really did get scared by that movie?" Matt asked. "It wasn't that bad."

"Well Shawn thinks it was," Rebecca said. "As soon as he saw it, he started having nightmares about it, which has ultimately led him to believe Fredddy Krueger is actually real and now trying to kill him in his dreams." She reached over and smacked Hunter as hard as she could. "And it's all your fault!"

Hunter cried out in pain and then pouted. "It is not my fault!" he whined. "It's his fault because he's a moron--" The rest of what he was about to say was cut off by Rebecca slapping the holy hell out of him.

Matt rolled his eyes and let the beating of Hunter continue for a little bit before interrupting it. "You know, maybe instead of tossing blame around, we should be thinking of a way to convince Shawn Freddy is not actually going to kill him," he pointed out.

Hunter snorted. "Yeah, well that's going to be easier said than done. You know how he is. Once he believes something, it's harder than hell to convince him otherwise."

"Yeah, well we need to at least try," Matt insisted. "I'm assuming he's keeping the two of you up with this whole Freddy shtick, am I right?"

Rebecca and Hunter both nodded. "He's even keeping the poor kids up," Rebecca said, rubbing the back of her neck. "Every time he catches them trying to go to sleep, he goes insane and starts yelling and waking them up. Cheyenne is scared out of her mind and Cameron is starting to get really cranky."

Matt sighed. That wasn't good. "We need a plan of attack for this," he said, getting up so he could start pacing back and forth. "Going at him without some kind of idea of how we're going to convince him Krueger isn't real would be suicide. And last time I checked, suicide is bad."

"It's almost as bad as Shawn's singing," Hunter agreed with a nod.

Rebecca glared at him. "Shawn's better at singing than you are," she declared.

Hunter looked genuinely insulted by that statement. "He is not! How can you even say that?"

"Uh…because I'm not deaf!"

Matt groaned loudly and smacked himself on the forehead. _Shit, this is going to be a long night._

…

Shawn hugged the teddy bear version of himself, wondering where the hell Rebecca and Hunter were. They had promised to come back with more coffee to make sure he didn't fall asleep. After his last nightmare, he was more convinced than ever that Freddy was coming to kill him. And since he did not want to die, he had to stay awake. He had to. There was no alternative.

"Come on come on," he muttered, slapping himself a couple of times and taking a drink of his coffee. All the caffeine in his system was making him jittery, but at least it was also keeping him awake. "You can do this. You can do this. You can--"

A loud scratching noise at his window made him jump about a foot in the air. It sounded like a bunch of nails were scraping over it. "No!" Shawn shouted, shaking his head vehemently. "No no no no!" He must have fallen asleep without realizing it. "Someone wake me up! Please! Someone wake me--"

"Why the hell are you screaming?"

Shawn looked towards the door and yelped in surprise. Bret Hart of all people was standing there, looking at him like he was insane. "How….how did you get in my dream?" he asked.

Bret frowned. "What are you talking about? You're awake Shawn. And you're scaring everyone else on this floor with your screaming."

Shawn opened his mouth to speak when the noise at the window came again. "Oh no," he whimpered, getting up and hiding behind Bret. "We're going to die!"

Bret rolled his eyes in exasperation. "You always were a drama queen," he said in exasperation, walking over the window and pulling back the curtain to reveal that it was Jeff making the noise with his toy Freddy claws. "What the hell are you doing Hardy?" the Hall of Famer asked with a sigh.

"Scaring Shawn," Jeff replied innocently.

Shawn pouted. "Jeff! That's not nice!"

"Yeah but it was funny," Jeff replied with a giggle. He climbed in through the window and started bouncing around. "Shawn's a big fat scared-y cat!"

"Hey hey hey! I am not fat!" Shawn growled.

Bret shook his head. "Well seeing as how there's nothing important going on here, I think I should--"

"One, two, Freddy's coming for you. Three, four, better lock your door."

The three wrestlers froze before looking out the window. Three little girls were playing jump rope in the grass, singing that song. "Jesus Jeff, you went all out didn't you?" Bret asked as Shawn whimpered in fear.

Jeff shook his head. "I didn't make them do this," he said softly.

Bret frowned and looked back at Shawn, who was shaking now. Suddenly they heard the trademark Freddy laugh, and that was all it took to make them lose it (although Bret would later deny he did such a thing--he had a reputation to maintain after all).

"RUN!" Shawn screamed, already running out of the room. Jeff and Bret were right behind him, nearly knocking over Matt in the process.

"Where the hell are you guys going?" Rebecca asked as Hunter stared at them incredulously.

"Away from Freddy!" Shawn yelled. "He's alive I tell you! ALIVE!"

…

Miz snickered and put his arm around Jericho. "You're too good at that," he said with a shake of his head.

Jericho smirked. "I love scaring ass clowns. It's very entertaining."

"It is," Miz agreed. "Where did you get the kids anyway?"

"Those two are my daughters and the other one is their best friend."

"Nice. Now what should we do?"

"Go beat up Michael Cole?"

"Sounds good to me."


	72. The Day of the Random

The Day of the Random

"Oh do you know the Muffin Man? The Muffin Man, the Muffin Man. Oh do you know the Muffin Man who eats children's brains!"

Matt twitched as Jeff continued to sing and skip around happily. He had been singing that song for the past half hour and it was getting very verry annoying. "Can you please stop?" he asked desperately. "You've sang that enough Jeffro."

Jeff stuck his tongue out defiantly. "Shut up Matty! I can sing anything I want to!"

Matt groaned as Jeff went back to his song. This had to stop and it had to stop now. Looking around the room desperately for some sort of distraction, he had to endure a couple of more minutes of singing before he finally managed to find something. "Hey Jeff," he said, taking the bag of Skittles he had found and shaking them so the candy would rattle together. "Look what I have."

Jeff stopped singing, his eyes getting twice their normal size. "Gimmie!" he ordered, reaching out and trying to take the sweet rainbow candy from Matt's hands.

"Hold on a second," Matt said, keeping the candy out of Jeff's reach. "If you want the candy, you have to stop singing. And if I give it to you and you start singing anyway, I'll give you a spanking."

"No!" Jeff whined, stomping his foot. "No pankin'. I don't want one Matty."

"Alright then. You be a good boy and stop singing then." Matt handed Jeff the Skittles, taking a step back so Jeff could rip into them in peace.

"Nom nom nom!" Jeff exclaimed happily. He ripped the bag open with his teeth and poured a whole bunch of Skittles in his mouth.

"Chew with your mouth closed please," Matt said, wincing as Jeff made disgusting sounds as he chewed.

Jeff made a face at him before flipping his off."

"Matt! Matt! Where are you?"

Matt turned around and saw Ron coming up to him. "Hey Truth," he said cheerfully. He frowned when he saw the panicked look on his friend's face. "What's wrong?"

"You need to keep your crazy ass friends away from me," Ron informed him. "They seriously-ah shit, here they come."

"Buckwheat!" Hunter shouted, leading Shawn over to Ron and grabbing him into a bear hug. "Don't you dare run away from us again Buckwheat. You don't want me to beat your knee caps, now do you?"

Matt blinked, looking back and forth between Hunter and Ron. "Buckwheat?" he finally managed to say.

"Yeah," Shawn said, bouncing up and down eagerly. "You know, from Little Rascals." He patted Ron on the head, a big grin plastered on his face. "We've been looking for this kid for years! Thank God we finally found him. I'm such a big fan."

Matt could hardly believe what he was hearing. He looked at Ron again, who looked ready to start delivering slaps if he wasn't let go soon. "Uh…guys, I don't know how to break this to you, but Ron's not Buckwheat."

"Yes he is," Hunter said. He looked scandalized by the mere fact that Matt was disagreeing with him.

"No I'm not!" Ron exclaimed. He stomped on Hunter's foot and elbowed him in the stomach so he could get away. "I'm not Buckwheat damn it!"

"Oh yeah?" Hunter shook his head. "Prove it!"

"Fine!" Ron slapped Hunter across the face before walking away.

Hunter blinked and shook his head. "Wait, that doesn't prove anything!"

"No, but it was funny as hell!" Shawn exclaimed with a laugh.

Matt chuckled, finding the humor in the situation too. Who didn't find slapping Hunter funny? If someone really didn't think it was funny, he personally thought they needed their head examined. He looked over to see if Jeff was laughing, but Jeff was no longer there. "Oh no," he groaned. "Where did he go now damn it?"

….

"I have Skittles oh yes I do," Jeff sang under his breath as he danced along. Since Hunter, Shawn and Ron had been thoughtful enough to distract Matt for him, he was going to go have some fun. "I have Skittles…Skittles are my babies…hehehehehehe." He bounced around happily, opening a random door and finding that it was a janitor's closet. "Yay!" he exclaimed as he grabbed a broom out of there and began trying to ride it. "I'm a witch! Look at me, I'm a witch! Witch witch-"

The locker room door right across from him opened, scaring him badly and causing him to jump. "Terrorist!" he shrieked as soon as he saw a creepy chest beaver staring at him. He took the broom he was riding and swung it hard, clocking that person right in the face and knocking them out. That was when he realized the person was not a terrorist at all; it was just Phil.

"Crap," he said under his breath. He grabbed his on-screen nemeses and his off screen bitch by the ankles and got him settled in the closet. "That should hold him," Jeff said happily, shutting him in there and then resuming his broom riding activities. "Oh I'm a witch…witch witch witch…and I'm gonna eat the Muffin Man!"


	73. Into the Woods Part One

Into the Woods, Part One

"Are you sure you know where you're going?" Stephanie asked Hunter.

Hunter sighed loudly, resisting the urge to glare at his wife and ruin his sex life for the next week. "Yes dear," he assured her. "I know exactly where we're going." He was driving himself, Stephanie, Jeff, Matt and Shawn to a show in Richmond, Virginia. They were technically still in West Virginia, but hopefully that would change soon. Hunter hadn't minded the state when they were going through the cities and small towns, but now that they were in the middle of nowhere, he was starting to get the creeps.

"Oh really?" Stephanie didn't sound convinced. "Then why have we've driven past that same farmhouse six times in the past ten minutes?"

Hunter blinked in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

Stephanie pointed to a farmhouse up ahead. "You see that place up ahead?"

"Yeah." It looked really familiar for some reason.

"This is the place that you've been driving past over and over again. You're fucking going in circles you idiot." She reached over and slapped the back of his head.

"Ow!" he complained loudly, almost waking up the others in the backseat. "Why would you do that? That's spousal abuse."

She gave him a disbelieving look. "Sweetheart, if I ever _actually_ started abusing you, you would know it. Now drive over to that farmhouse. It looks like someone's home and maybe they can give us directions."

Hunter stared at her in disbelief. "Are you insane? I'm not going to that place!"

"Why the hell not?"

"Two reasons. One, I'm a guy. We do not ask for directions. That's a chick thing. And the second reason is that place looks like it could be out of a horror movie or something. What if there's a family housing a chainsaw wielding madman living in there? What if there are a bunch of inbred hillbillies that will want to either kill us or make us squeal like pigs? Or what if-"

Suddenly they ran over something and Hunter let out a girly scream as the front tire on his side went flat. That scream woke Jeff up, who screamed because Hunter did, thereby waking up Matt and Shawn.

"Oh my God what's happening?" Shawn asked as Hunter slammed on the brakes. "What's going on? Why are we screaming?"

"It's the Russians!" Jeff exclaimed. "Oh my God we're going to die!"

"It's not the damn Russians!" Stephanie snapped, sounding like she wanted to slap the crap out of all of them. "Our tire went flat."

Hunter got the vehicle to come to a full stop before putting on the brakes and clutching his pounding heart. "Oh my God, the crazy hillbillies put nails in the road," he said in horror.

Stephanie smacked him upside the head again. "I sincerely doubt that." She unbuckled her seatbelt and opened her car door. "I'm going to go to the farmhouse and try to get directions. Then I'm going to come back and change the tire so we can get back on the road."

"You don't know how to change a tire," Shawn snorted in disbelief.

Stephanie turned around and glared at him. "Who says?"

"Well you're a girl, aren't you?" Shawn asked innocently.

Matt shook his head and put his hand over Shawn's mouth. "I'm going to stop you right there before your mouth writes a check your ass can't cash."

"Too late for that," Stephanie muttered. She looked at Hunter. "I'll be back."

"Wait!" Hunter cried out. He unbuckled his seatbelt and began chasing after her. As much as this place scared him, he couldn't let Stephanie run off by herself. Crazy hillbillies liked taking women and making them into meals. This was a scientifically proven fact and he could not allow it to happen to his wife.

Stephanie let out a sigh as she stopped and waited for him to catch up with her. "You're not going to make a total jackass out of yourself, are you?" she asked in exasperation.

"Of course not," he replied. He grabbed her hand and let her lead him along towards their doom. "When have I ever done that?"

"Do you really want me to answer that question?" she asked.

He sighed and shook his head. "No, I suppose not."

To get to the farmhouse, they had to walk across a field with grass that went almost all the way over Stephanie's chest. "Here, use your mega boobies to push it out of the way," he said. He grabbed her by the arms and started steering her through the ample amount of grass.

Stephanie looked back and glared at him. "Would you stop? That's not helpful."

"So says you. I say differently." He continued pushing her along, only stopping when they heard something howl in the distance. "What was that?" he asked nervously.

"It was nothing," Stephanie insisted, trying to start moving again. "Now come on. We need to go."

Hunter refused to budge. "Nothing doesn't howl like that!" He winced as he heard the howl again. "Oh God, it's a man eating coyote isn't it? Dear Jesus we are going to die!"

"No we're not damn it!" Stephanie growled. She turned around and popped Hunter right across the face. "Now snap out of it!"

That worked…for a few seconds anyway. Then they heard another howl and the sound of Shawn screaming his head off. That set Hunter off like a firecracker being lit up under his ass. "Little buddy!" he yelled, turning back around and running back towards the car. "Little buddy!"

"Hunter!" Stephanie yelled. She was already chasing after him. "Hunter calm down!"

Hunter refused to calm down though. He ran all the way back to the car and was horrified to see that Shawn was gone. Jeff and Matt were gone too, but he didn't care about them as much. Shawn was the one who was important to him.

"Help!" Shawn could be heard screaming in the woods that were on the other side of the road. "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

"Shit," Hunter cursed. He didn't want to go in there but he had to. Matt and Jeff had probably left poor Shawn to fend for himself.

"Hunter-" Stephanie started to say when she caught up with him. "You-"

Hunter cut her off with a kiss. _If this was a movie there would be a shit load of romantic music right now._ "If I don't come back in five minutes, you come and you rescue me, alright?" Without waiting for her answer, he let her go and ran into the woods. "Hold on Shawn, I'm coming!"


	74. Into the Woods, Part Two

Into the Woods Part 2

Shawn clutched at his sprained ankle as he stared at the wolf with large eyes. After swearing that he saw a group of deranged psychopaths coming to kill them all, Jeff had taken off running into the woods, forcing Matt to chase off after him and making Shawn panic and run into the woods too, even though he had meant to run off to the safety that was Hunter and Stephanie. "Nice wolfie," Shawn said quietly, trying to scoot back very carefully so he wouldn't get eaten. "You don't want to hurt me. I'm a sexy boy…I'm not your chew toy…"

The wolf growled, making Shawn nearly piss himself in fright. "Please Mr. Wolfie, go eat Matt or Jeff. They're from the south so they probably taste like fried chicken." The wolf stopped for a moment and just stared at him. "Yeah, you like tasty chicken, don't you?" Shawn didn't feel too bad for throwing Matt and Jeff to the wolf. They were fast so they could probably outrun the thing anyway.

"Shawn?" Hunter yelled, making the wolf growl again. "Shawn what's-" He came screeching to a halt as he saw what was going on. "Holy crap!"

Shawn put up his hand to stop Hunter from making any kind of sudden movements. "Be very very careful," he whispered. "And stay very very still. It's vision is based on movement."

Hunter looked at Shawn in surprise. "It is?"

Shawn nodded. "Yeah."

"How do you know that?"

"I saw it on Animal Planet."

Hunter accepted that without question. Animal Planet was much wiser than them on the ways of animals. "So how do we make it go away?" he asked, trying to whisper so the wolf couldn't hear them.

Shawn shook his head. "I have no idea."

"Well that's not helpful at all!" Hunter exclaimed as he threw his hands up into the air in exasperation. "Jesus Shawn, why couldn't you have found that out?"

"Because I fell asleep before the narrator told me what to do!" Shawn snapped. "I was tired! I can't help falling asleep if I'm tired Hunter. You know that." He looked at the wolf, who was still not running off to go eat Matt and Jeff. "So why don't you quit being an idiot and do something. You're supposed to be saving me right now!"

"Fine! Just give me a minute to think!" Hunter snapped impatiently. He ran his hand through his hair before reaching down and picking up a rock. "Here Mr. Wolf," he said in his most innocent voice. "It's time to play the game…"

"Hunter!" Stephanie yelled, startling Hunter so bad that he tossed the rock straight up so it ended up landing on his head. "Don't you dare throw anything at that poor dog!"

"Dog?" Shawn said in confusion. He was so disappointed in Stephanie. He thought she would be smarter than this. "That's not a dog Steph. That's a wolf."

Stephanie glared at him before walking over to the wolf and patting its head. "It's an Alaskan Husky," she informed him. She smiled as the creature licked her hand. "You two would have known that if you weren't complete idiots."

Shawn looked at Hunter, who was rubbing his head. "I can't believe you! You convinced me that this poor innocent doggy was a wolf!"

Hunter blinked and shook his head. "I did not! You thought he was a wolf long before I ever got here!"

"Nuh uh! You were the one-"

"Oh would you two stop it?" Stephanie snapped. She looked ready to strangle the both of them. "You two are the most immature little brats that I have ever had to deal with. Why do I even put up with the both of you? Tell me!"

"Uhh….me give you lots of orgasms?" Hunter said hesitantly.

"Me too," Shawn said.

"What?" Hunter yelled. "You've been touching my wife?"

"No…but if it keeps her from killing me I will," Shawn admitted. "I already talked to Rebecca and she said that if I'm staring death in the face, I'm allowed to use my body to get out of it."

"Alright then," Stephanie said with a shake of her head. "Good to know." She knelt down and pet the dog's head, smiling as it licked her face. "You're just a big sweetheart aren't you? Yes you are. Where's your owner at? Do you think he can help us?"

Hunter shook his head. "Stephanie that's a dog. I don't think-"

"I think I might be able to service y'all."

Shawn's eyes widened in fright. "It's possessed!" he wailed. He hopped up on to his good foot and then jumped into Hunter's arms Scooby Doo style. "Satan's taken a hold of it. Get it out! Get it out!"

"That ain't my dog talkin' you moron. It's me." A fat, middle age man sporting a bigger bald spot than Paul Heyman stepped into view, looking at the three of them like they were absolutely insane. "Now what you doin' on my property?"

Stephanie stood back up and took charge of the situation. "Hi. I'm sorry we're here without permission, but my idiot husband got us lost and then our tire went flat and now we've lost our other two friends. So we just need to find them, get our tire changed and if you could just point us to the direction of the next town we'll be out of your way in no time."

The man tilted his head to the side, opening his mouth just enough to reveal that he only had about three teeth in his entire mouth. "Why you want to go somewhere else? You should stay with me and my family. We'd take real good care of you." He leered at Stephanie and began to reach for his chest. "We'll take-"

"Fire!" Stephanie yelled as she kneed the man in the groin and then punched him in the face.

Shawn raised his eyebrows as the man crumpled to the ground in pain. "Uh…fire?"

"Girls should never shout rape," Stephanie told him. "Nobody wants to help during a rape. Everyone loves to come watch a good fire though." She dusted her hands off and looked at Hunter. "We need to find Matt and Jeff."

"Can't you just find them?" Hunter asked. "I mean you're all tough-"

"I'm pregnant! You want me to put our baby in jeopardy because you're too much of a coward to go help find your friends?"

"Oh come on, nothing would happen to our baby! You're a McMahon! You're womb is bionic!"

Stephanie gave Hunter such a nasty glare that The Game quickly wilted and sighed in defeat. "Okay, fine. I'll do whatever you say. But if you get me eaten I'm telling."


	75. Into the Woods, Part Three

Into the Woods, Part 3

"Matt where are we?" Jeff asked.

"For the last time, I don't fucking know!" Matt snapped. It felt like Jeff had asked that same question a hundred times already and not getting that he was no closer to actually being able to answer the question. When they had started panicking blindly back by the car, they had just took off running as fast as possible, losing Shawn and themselves in the process. Matt was mentally kicking his own ass for being an idiot and Jeff was just refusing to shut the fuck up and quit complaining.

Jeff let out a whine and flinched away from Matt. "Why are you yelling at me?" he asked tearfully. "I was just asking a question. You didn't have to yell at me like that!"

"I did not yell at you. You're completely exaggerating."

"I am not! You yelled at me because you're a big poopy head who doesn't love me anymore!"

Matt scowled and struggled to keep himself from hitting Jeff. Violence wouldn't do anything but make Jeff whine like an even bigger baby. "Jeff, I love you very very much. I really do. But you are getting on my last nerve, so kindly shut the fuck up before I lose my mind completely."

"Asshole," Jeff muttered. He folded his arms over his chest and began to pout. Luckily he did that quietly, so it allowed Matt to have a little bit of peace. _Now if I only knew how the hell to get back to the road…_

"Matty?"

Matt sighed at the sound of Jeff's timid voice. "What is it Jeff?" He really hoped that his brother wasn't about to say something stupid. He was going to strangle him if he did.

Jeff hesitated for a moment before grabbing Matt's arm and hugging it tightly. "I heard a scary noise."

"We're in the woods in the middle of the night. You're going to hear noises that sound scary."

"But this one was really _really_ scary," Jeff claimed. He whimpered as he heard a twig snap in half. "I think there's a bear following us."

Matt closed his eyes, took a deep breath and slowly and silently counted to ten. "Jeff," he said very slowly and deliberately. "There are no bears in these woods."

"Oh yeah?" Jeff challenged. "How do you _know_ that?"

"Because I do."

"That's not a good answer Matty."

"Ugh…damn it Jeff, why are you being such a big baby?" Matt literally was doing everything in his power to keep himself from throttling Jeff. "We grew up playing in woods, this shouldn't be an issue for you."

"We grew up playing in _our_ woods," Jeff corrected. "I knew our woods and they were not full of scary things." He looked around nervously, jumping yet again when he heard an owl hoot. "This is a strange woods Matty. There could be a whole country of bears living in this forest and we wouldn't even know about it!"

Matt let out a long, tired sigh. "Jeff, if there are bears in here, I will make sure that they won't eat us. And if I fail, I will make sure they eat me first so you have a chance to get away."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Yay. I love my big brother." Jeff gave Matt a big hug, refusing to let go until yet another thought popped into his brain. "Ooooh, what if it's a rabid raccoon? It could bite us and give us rabies you know. A bad raccoon like that once bit Mrs. White's cat and it went rabid and it had to shot by a shotgun along with the sheriff and the deputy."

Matt didn't even know what to say to that. His mind just went completely and totally blank on him. He didn't think they knew anyone named Mrs. White…and a rabid cat that resulted in the deaths of a sheriff and a deputy would have surely been in the news. "Alright then," he said slowly. "I'll watch out for that."

"Good." Jeff switched to just hugging Matt's arms as they continued on their way. For awhile Matt tried to follow the North Star, but then he realized it was just an airplane and felt like a tremendous jackass. "Damn it all to hell…"

"Matt! Jeff! One of you idiots answer me!"

Matt perked right up at the sound of that voice. _Thank God! We're saved!_ "Stephanie! Help us!"

"Matt! Come to the sound of my voice!"

"You'll see her tits first!" Hunter chimed in. "You'll see them from a mile away!" That probably earned him a nice big slap from his wife.

"Come on Jeff," Matt said. "Lets-" Jeff screamed, which made Matt jump about a foot in the air as he turned around. "What?" he nearly yelled. "What's the matter?"

"I saw someone!" Jeff said hysterically. He hid behind Matt and hugged him so tightly that he couldn't breathe. "I did I did I swear I did!"

"Where?" Matt was looking all around and he didn't see anyone.

Jeff pointed to one of the trees. "He's hiding behind there. He's big Matty. Really big."

"Well let's just keep going," Matt said nervously. He knew very well that Jeff could just be saying things but the hysteria of the situation was starting to get to him. "We can-"

"Ackkkk! There he is again! It's a backwards inbred hillbilly that's going to eat us!"

Matt squinted his eyes as a familiar figure stepped out from behind the tree. "Uh…Jeff, that's just Snitsky." _What the hell is Snitsky doing in these woods? And why is he looking at me like that? Oh God, he's undressing me with his eyes! That dirty pervert!_

"Same difference!" Jeff replied. He started running away and Matt decided to follow him. "Stephanie! Save us!"

"Jeff-"

"SNITSKY IS GOING TO EAT-OW!" Jeff collided directly into Shawn, causing both of them to fall to the ground.

"Jeff? What the hell is wrong with you?" Hunter asked angrily as he helped Shawn back up. "You can't hit Shawn like that. He's delicate."

"I'm delicate too!" Jeff claimed. He got back up and dusted himself off. "And anyway, it's not my fault I ran into him. Matty and I were running from Snitsky."

"Snitsky?" Stephanie said in confusion. "What was he doing out here?"

"I don't know," Matt replied. "We didn't exactly stop to ask him."

"Uh…guys?" Shawn said hesitantly. "I think we have more company."

The others looked around and saw that Shelton Benjamin, Jimmy Wang Yang, Katie Lea, Mike Knox, and Mickie James were all coming towards them in a slow, old fashioned zombie like fashion. "Guys?" Matt said nervously. "What are you all-"

"Jobs," Shelton croaked out. "We…want…jobs…"

"Holy shit," Hunter muttered. "Is this where everyone goes when they get released?"

"I don't know," Stephanie replied. "All I know is that we should RUN!"

She didn't have to tell any of them twice. They took off running as fast as they could, the zombie versions of their former colleagues slowly trailing after them. With Stephanie leading the way, they managed to get out of the woods, only to find a creepy guy trying to hook their car to the back of his ratty old pickup truck.

"Fire!" Stephanie yelled. She punched the guy and then slammed her knee into his face, knocking him out. "In the truck!" she shouted. "Get in get in get in!"

"But it's dirty!" Jeff protested.

Matt rolled his eyes and literally tossed Jeff in beside Hunter and Shawn and then getting in himself. "Steph, get us the hell out of here."

"Oh I will," she promised. "And I will never EVER travel with you idiots again. This is not good for my health at all."


	76. The Twitter Situation

The Twitter Situation

"I don't want to do it," Hunter said as he defiantly folded his arms over his chest. Jeff, Matt and Shawn had dragged him over to Matt's computer, but he was not going to comply to their demands. There were just some things that he couldn't agree with and this was one of them. "You can't make me you know."

"Oh come on Hunter, everyone's doing it," Jeff said. "Even Shawn's doing it and he's computer stupid!"

"Yeah," Shawn said. "I'm-" He stopped when he realized that he had just been insulted. "Hey! I'm not computer stupid!"

"Yes you are!" Jeff insisted. "You're a big fat stupid head when it comes to computers."

"I am not!" Shawn insisted. "I know a lot about computers!" To prove his point, he rubbed his hands together and started trying to prove his point. "Look, that's the monitor, that's the modem, that's the keyboard and there's the mouse…" He sat down on Hunter's lap and placed his hands on the keyboard. "Look! Look! I can type-" he started typing random words "and I can space the words, unlike _you_." He made sure to look at Jeff when he said that.

"Spaces are stupid," Jeff said with a pout. "Tell him Matty."

Matt rolled his eyes. "Sorry Jeff, but you really do need to learn how to put spaces in the words of your tweets. Nobody understands what you're saying anyway but at least they can actually read the shit if you put spaces in it."

"Oh screw you Matty," Jeff said unhappily. "You're just mad because you're the other Hardy and I'm the supreme ruler of Hardyville."

"Oooh and he comes out swinging," Hunter said with a laugh. He placed his chin in Shawn's shoulder and watched as his best friend struggled to get on to Twitter. "Shawn really, I don't want one of these things."

"But all the cool people have one," Shawn pointed out. "Don't you want to be cool?"

"I am cool Besides, your cool people argument died when Cena got on this thing."

Shawn stopped to think about that. "Good point," he admitted.

Hunter was glad he agreed. "And besides, even if I knew how to turn on a computer and run it, I wouldn't ever want to get a Twitter. Twitter is an excuse for crazy fan girls to stalk their favorite wrestlers and for haters to mouth off behind the disguise of a computer."

"I like fan girls," Jeff said with a grin. "They love me bunches."

"They usually hate Beth though," Matt pointed out. "And a lot of them are convinced you're gay with pretty much the entire locker room."

"Yeah well, as long as they love me, I don't care," Jeff said. "Besides, I did have a gay experience with Hunter so-"

"We swore we would never talk about that!" Hunter reminded him. He moved Shawn off his lap and got up to his feet. "That was only done for the sake of hot lesbian action and we will never talk about it again! You understand me?"

Jeff rolled his eyes. "Yeah yeah yeah. I understand you."

"Good. Now let's forget this me getting a Twitter thing and go get something to eat. I'm starving."

…

When Matt woke up the next morning, he went to his computer and checked his Myspace and Twitter accounts, just like he always did. With the Myspace one he didn't notice anything unusual, but he was also still half asleep, so he could have missed things. Once he got on Twitter though, he found that people were going nuts on there though. He was shocked that not only by the fact that a photo of Shawn sitting on Hunter's lap yesterday had surfaced and his slash fan girls now wanted to know his thoughts on Shawnter being real, but they were also asking him about Hunter and Jeff's gay experience. "What the…what the fuck?" He didn't know what to do. Who could have possibly taken that photo and heard Jeff talk about the thing with Hunter? He continued searching around, not finding any answers but becoming scared at the people taking this way too seriously. People on Team Shawnter were calling Jeff a whore who needed to hop on someone else's dick and leave the beloved couple alone while fans of Jeff and Hunter being together said Shawn needed to go find someone else. Then there were people who were convinced that Hunter brainwashed Jeff into a relationship, the people who were upset for Beth's, Stephanie's and Rebecca's sakes and then there were people who were wondering who Matt was gay with. It was absolutely insane and Matt found himself running over to Jeff's house to tell him what had happened.

"Are you serious?" Jeff asked when Matt got him caught up to speed. "Someone really did that to us?"

"Yup," Matt confirmed. "We were stalked and misleadingly outed. The only question I have is who could have done it?"

Jeff shrugged. "Someone with no life obviously." A knowing grin suddenly spread across his face. "I have an idea about how to find out though."

Matt didn't like the way Jeff had said that. "Jeffro, what exactly are you planning?"

"You'll just have to wait and see Matty." Jeff let out an evil laugh and Matt suddenly wished he hadn't told Jeff a thing. He had the feeling that he wasn't going to like this plan at all.

…

When Shawn and Hunter arrived at the arena for the next show, they were aware of the Twitter situation because Rebecca and Stephanie had told them about it. Despite the controversy that it was causing, neither of them had given it so much as a second thought. They figured it would eventually blow over and they could all just get on with their lives.

"Hey Jeff," Hunter said as he saw the younger Hardy approaching them. "What-" His eyes just about popped out of his skull when Jeff planted a big old kiss on his lips.

"Jeff! What the hell are you doing?" Shawn yelled.

"Damn it Jeff, what kind of plan is that?" Matt asked.

"It's a good one because I've got him!" Beth announced. She dragged Santino out of his hiding spot, holding his camera and glaring at him angrily. "I caught him red handed."

"You did a not!" Santino claimed. "I was not doing anything Mrs. Brittney. You let go of Santino right now!"

Beth rolled her eyes before smashing the camera against the floor and dragging him away. "Come on. I'm taking you back to Kozlov. He needs to keep a better leash on you."

"I do not have a leash! I am not Snoopy the dog!"

Hunter rolled his eyes. "What an idiot." He frowned at Jeff, who was still violating his personal space. "Hardy? You can back off now."

"Oh yeah," Jeff said. He stepped away from Hunter and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry."


	77. Comic Book Chaos

Comic Book Chaos

"I can't believe we're doing this," Hunter muttered under his breath. He looked absolutely disgusted by what they were about to do. "I mean really, is this necessary? This is completely and totally retarded."

Shawn smacked Hunter on the chest, annoyed that he was being such a big grouch about this. "Come on, lighten up Hunt. This isn't going to be that bad."

"Not that bad? NOT THAT BAD? We're going to a comic book theme party hosted by a guy that we make it our mission to annoy all the time! How does this make sense?"

Shawn shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not here to understand how make things sense. I'm just here to look pretty." He pushed Hunter out of the way so he could look at himself in the rearview mirror. They were going to Phil's comic book costume party and he was dressed as Robin while Hunter was his Batman. If this was 1997 he would have been Batman and Hunter would have been Robin, but times had changed and he had come to accept his role as goofy side kick.

Hunter rolled his eyes and sighed. "Well let's get this over with." He got out of the car and started heading to the house. "Are you sure Steph and Rebecca are going to meet us here?" If he was going to have to sit through this bullshit, he was going to take advantage of the opportunity to stare at his wife's boobs while they were confined to leather (he had given her strict orders to wear leather and she had better listen because…well because he begged like a big baby, severely sacrificing his pride for the sake of his sexual fetishes).

"They said they were going to," Shawn said. He followed closely behind Hunter and rang the doorbell when they got up the porch steps. "Why would they lie?"

Hunter shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe-" He stopped talking as Phil opened the door. "Uh…Brooks? What the hell are you wearing?"

"I'm Wolverine," Phil explained. He held up the fake claws taped to his knuckles. "You know, from X-Men?"

"Ah. Hugh Jackman does it better," Hunter said bluntly before grabbing Shawn by the arm and pulling him into the house.

"Hunter!" Shawn scolded. "That was mean!"

"It was not," Hunter denied. "I was telling the truth. Isn't the truth supposed to set me free?"

Shawn gave him a disapproving look. "Yeah but it's not good when you hurt someone's feelings like that. Little white lies are okay."

"No they are not. They are destroying America's youth and I will not stand for it." Hunter had no idea what the hell he was yammering about and he had no intention of actually figuring it out. He was too busy looking at what was going on around them. They had taken so long to get ready that they were late and things had gotten started without them. He cursed under his breath as he stared out at the sea of his co-workers, managing to spot Stephanie and Rebecca talking to Maria in the corner of the room. Stephanie had gone with a Halle Berry Catwoman costume with the leather pants with slash marks in them, a push bra like top that crossed at her stomach and half a cat mask and Hunter officially did not care how horrible that movie had actually been; his wife looked hot as hell and he was more in love with her than ever.

"Shawn! Hunter! Over here!" Rebecca yelled as she waved them over. She was dressed as Wonder Woman and she had her arm around Maria, who was dressed up as Batgirl.

"I'm coming my darling!" Shawn replied. He pushed his way past Luke Gallows and Serena and Hunter followed him, feeling like one of the biggest nerds on the entire planet. His reputation was never going to recover from this and he was going to kill everyone responsible for this.

Stephanie raised her eyebrows at Hunter. "What's with the Batman costume? I thought you were dressing up as Thor."

"I was going to until a certain blonde drama queen decided he needed a Batman to his Robin," Hunter muttered.

Shawn looked aghast at those words. "Who would do such a thing?" he asked, completely forgetting that he was the drama queen in question.

Resisting the urge to smack Shawn for being dumb, Hunter started looking around for Matt and Jeff. "Where's Dumb and Dumber?"

"Version 1.0 or 2.0?" Stephanie asked.

He frowned. "Wait, what?"

"Well Dumb and Dumber Version 1.0 is right in front of me already-"

"Hey!" Shawn said loudly. "We resent that!"

"And Version 2.0 has been missing all night," Stephanie said, continuing as if Shawn hadn't said a word at all. "It's not a good sign at all."

Maria nodded in agreement. "I haven't seen Beth and Candice either. This is not a good thing. There's no telling what Jeff's done to all of them."

Rebecca frowned disapprovingly. "Why do we always blame Jeff for this stuff? It's really kind of mean."

Shawn looked at her like she had just grown a second head. "It's ALWAYS Jeff's fault honey. He starts the most of the chaos in our lives and even if it's not his fault we blame him anyway. That's the way this cookie crumbles."

"Well that cookie is not nice," Rebecca sated. "And we need to find the others before they get into trouble."

"More like we need to go find the others and BAIL them out of trouble," Maria muttered. "Because there's no way they're not already in it."

"But where do we even start looking?" Hunter asked. "They could be anywhere."

"Uh…guys? I think I know where they are."

They all turned around and frowned at the Spiderman that was talking to them. "Who the hell are you?" Hunter asked.

Spiderman took off his mask and revealed himself to be none other than Daniel Bryan. Shawn was happy to see his former pupil but Maria just looked confused. "Who's that?" she asked Stephanie.

"Remember that guy who got fired for choking Justin Roberts with a tie during the first Nexus attack?" Stephanie whispered. "That's him."

Maria's eyes widened in understanding. "Really?"

"Yup. I'm the crazy tie guy," Bryan confirmed. "And I know where Jeff and the others are."

"Wait, how do you know where they are?" Hunter asked in confusion.

Bryan just shrugged. "I'm Daniel Bryan. I know all, I see all-"

"You're just a short little nerd-ow!" Hunter pouted at Shawn, who had just hit him. "What the fuck was that for?"

"You're being a butthead," Shawn replied. He put his hand on Bryan's shoulder and nodded at him. "Can you take us to them?"

Bryan glared at Hunter a little bit before nodding. "Yeah." He motioned for them to follow him. "Come on. We need to get going. I don't know exactly what Jeff was up to-"

"See?" Stephanie said to Rebecca. "It's always his fault!"

"-but it didn't sound good," Bryan concluded as they left the party and headed out to go collect the other idiots.

…

"Jeff come on, you're being crazy!" Matt said as he struggled to get out of his bonds. He and Candice hadn't even gotten a chance to get into their costumes. Jeff had ambushed them as they were doing so and knocked them out so he could drag him to wherever it was they were. Matt had no idea where their location even was or why Beth wasn't around to stop all of this.

"Yeah really!" Candice agree. She pouted her lips and gave Jeff a pleading look. "Beth wouldn't want you to do this to us baby. You're going to get in trouble-"

Jeff stepped out of the shadows, revealing himself to be in a Joker costume. "She will know nothing vile woman! She's at the evil in-laws so she will not know of my plans for world domination!"

Matt sighed. _Great. He's fucking lost his damn mind. This is not going to be fun._ "World domination? Well since when does that involve tying us up?"

"Since I realized that you are a giant butthead who will ruin my plans," Jeff said as he plopped down on Matt's lap.

"And why did you kidnap me?" Candice asked.

"Because you're part of my Operation Human Shield."

"WHAT?"

Jeff just giggled and reached into his purple coat to pull out a really big hunting knife. "Let's put a smile on that face!" he said gleefully.

Matt's eyes widened and he proceeded to do the only logical thing he could do: he screamed.

…

"Why would Jeff take them here?" Maria asked as they approached the seemingly abandoned warehouse.

Bryan shrugged. "I don't know. But…what the hell?"

Hunter groaned as The Great Khali came out of the shadows and started making his way towards them. "Oh fuck me…"

"Not now sweetheart," Stephanie said as she patted his arm. She took a couple of steps forward and straightened herself up to her full height. "Khali-"

Khali roared something that nobody could understand and Bryan pulled Stephanie so he could step up to the plate. "Is Daniel Bryan going to have to choke a bitch?" he asked as he reached into the pocket of his costume and pulled out Justin Roberts' pink tie.

Hunter and Shawn exchanged looks as Khali roared angrily. "Why is he talking in third person?" Shawn asked in confusion.

"Who cares?" Hunter replied. "He's like four feet tall! What is he going to do-" The sound of Matt screaming made Maria and Stephanie run around the distracted Punjabi Playboy and Hunter and Shawn ran after them because they did not want to be squashed or choked any time soon. When they got into the warehouse, they found Jeff sitting on a tied up Matt's lap and he was about to cut up his own brother's face. "Bad Jeff!" Rebecca scolded. "Bad!"

"What the hell?" Jeff said angrily. "My giant didn't eat you?"

"Nope," Hunter said smugly.

"Well then, I'll guess I'll just have to blow you up then!" Jeff pulled out what looked to be like a real detonator and Shawn sprung into action. Before anyone knew what was happening, he ran forward and kicked what was actually just the remote control to a remote control car out of Jeff's hand before kicking the younger man in the face.

"Dude, Robin just showed you up big time Batman," Maria said with a laugh.

Hunter glared at her. "Quiet you…"

"OW!" Jeff yelled as he writhed around in the floor in pain. "What the hell Shawn?"

"I win!" Shawn shouted triumphantly. "I win I win I-" The warehouse door opened and to everyone's surprise, Daniel Bryan came in, holding up the tie in victory. "Does Daniel Bryan have to choke another bitch?" he asked just a little too eagerly.

"Uh…no," Stephanie said hesitantly. "I think we're good."

"Yeah," Hunter agreed. He reached out and patted the shorter man on the head. "That'll do pig, that'll do."


	78. Jeff's Countdown to Doomsday

Jeff's Countdown to Doomsday

I have come to discover that the world is going to end very soon. 2012 is the year we're all going to die…but it's not on the day all the other "nut jobs" and "conspiracy theorists" think it's going to be. You see, they're all convinced it's going to happen on December 21st but I know better. The world won't end on the twenty first because that's when everyone is _expecting_ it to end. The world likes to keep us on our toes so instead of ending on the day everyone thinks it will, it'll end the day afterwards just to fuck with us. Everyone is going to be so relieved when they don't die on the twenty first that they're not going to be prepared on the twenty second-everyone except me that is. I'm smart enough to know the world's plan and I'm going to be ready for the end of civilization as we know it.

The only question is though, how will the world be ending? That's the part I'm not too sure about. I mean is the planet just going to explode, or is there going to be a plague or are there going be a whole bunch of natural disasters all at once? Or are there going to be zombies? Are we going to turn into zombies or are zombies going to eat all of our brains? Or-and this is the scariest scenario of all-are Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber going to sing a duet.

…No, I can't even let myself continue thinking about that. The end of the world is cruel but it's not THAT cruel.

I guess there's really no way for me to know for sure how this is all going to end. I just have to prepare and expect the worst. Matt and Beth and everyone else think I've lost my mind again, which just shows what they know because I've never HAD my mind to begin with. You can't lose what you don't have and besides, I'll be the last one laughing when I survive the apocalypse and they don't.

…

Today dragged on for what felt like forever. I decided that the best way to survive the apocalypse is to build an underground bomb shelter, so I got started on that first thing this morning. At first I tried just digging my way down with a shovel but then I realized there was no way I was going to build my shelter with just that, even if I've got two years to do it. So I decided to be more practical and go and get the bulldozer Itchweeed always likes to use and started to use that to dig out the space for my bomb shelter. Of course that made Beth come outside and she was not happy with me for some reason.

"What the hell are you doing?" she yelled incredulously.

"Uh…construction work!" I replied. Why did she always have to bug me when I was in the middle of serious work? Didn't she have anything else better to do?

"Construction work?" she repeated angrily. "You're destroying the whole yard!"

"Yeah well it's going for a good cause!" I said defensively. "I'm building an apocalyptic bomb shelter!"

Beth continued to look at me like I was a fucking nut job, which was not something I appreciated. "An apocalyptic bomb shelter?" she repeated incredulously. "Why would you need to build one of those?"

"Because the world is ending in 2012!" I exclaimed in exasperation. Why did I always have to explain these things?

She took a very long, deep breath and shook her head slowly. "The world is not ending in 2012 Jeffro," she said slowly. "That's a bullshit-"

"It is not bullshit! It's a PROPHECY! Do you understand that?"

"I know what a prophecy is Jeffro. The question is, do you?"

"What I know is not the point!" I said stubbornly. "The point is-"

"The point is that you're fixing my backyard and you're taking you're stupid, crazy ass bomb shelter somewhere else! You understand me?"

I was going to object but then I saw the look on her face and changed my mind. If I didn't do what she said, I was facing a fate worse than the Miley/Bieber apocalypse scenario and that was not something I was going to put myself through ever.

…

Now it's one thing to know the end of the world is coming but it's another thing entirely to get other people to believe you about it. Matt is too "logical" to believe what I say, Beth's too mad about the yard to listen, Stephanie and Hunter don't have time for me because of their new baby, Rebecca isn't around all that much and Maria and Candice just kind of run away from me when I try to talk to them alone. Luckily though I have Shawn to talk to and he believes me because he's a good friend like that.

"There's got to be something we can do to stop this," he said as we mulled over this with chocolate chip cookies. "I mean, didn't the Incas have a backup plan to stop this?"

"First of all, it was the Mayans who predicted this, not the Incas," I corrected. "And second of all…well you've got a good point. There has to be something we can do to stop this."

"But what though? I mean, I've been thinking about this really hard and I don't know what to do!"

I pressed my lips together and thought even harder because obviously I was the brains of this operation. "What about a virgin sacrifice?" I finally asked.

Shawn raised his eyebrows. "A virgin sacrifice?"

"Yeah! That should work perfectly!"

"But where are we going to find a virgin here?"

I smirked smugly. "You just leave that to me."

…

"Guys this isn't funny!" Evan yelled as he struggled to get out of the handcuffs. I had taken him from the locker room and handcuffed him to the ring ropes so he couldn't run anywhere. "You better let me go or I'll-"

"You won't do nothing pipsqueak!" I snapped. God I hated virgin sacrifices that talked to much. It always ruined the damn mood. "Now hold still while Shawn and I do this."

"But I'm not even a virgin!" Evan yelled. "So this virgin sacrifice thing isn't going to work!"

Shawn snorted loudly. "Oh please Evan, look at you! I have a hard time believing you've ever had sex. I mean what are you, fourteen?"

"I'm twenty seven!" Evan snapped, making me and Shawn both laugh hysterically until…"

"Hardy! Michaels! What are you doing with my handcuffs?"

We both froze in fear. "You stole the handcuffs from Taker?" Shawn asked, looking like he wanted to pee his pants. "Are you insane?"

"Less talking, more running!" I hissed. We slid out of the ring and ran for the hills, just grateful that Mark's knees were bad and he couldn't catch us. I'm supposing he helped Evan get free but if they think this is over, it's not. It's not over by a long shot.


	79. Coming Soon to DVD

Coming Soon to DVD

"Hunter I don't see why you dragged me all the way here," Shawn whined as Hunter pulled him along by the wrist across the parking lot. He felt like a small child at the moment and it was not pleasing him. "Just because Raw's here in San Antonio doesn't mean I have to be here! I'm retired now! Retired! Do you know what that means?"

"Yes but I don't care," Hunter snapped. He had an idea and he was not about to be denied. "Matt's touring with the stupid Smackdown guys and Jeff's at home so I can't get them to help me. Besides, you're my one true partner in crime. How can I do something like this without you?'

"Hunter you haven't even told me what we're doing!" Shawn pointed out. "How can I answer that question when you wont' even tell me what's going on?"

That was a good point. Hunter hadn't thought of that. "We're shooting a commercial," he said, pointing to the production truck, which was where he was taking Shawn.

"What kind of commercial?"

"A very very important commercial."

"That doesn't tell me anything Hunter!"

"So? It doesn't have to. Just trust me. I know exactly what I'm doing and I'll get you through this."

Shawn just sighed dramatically. "Okay fine. Whatever. You just better know what you're doing."

"Oh trust me, I do. This is going to be like one of the best things we've ever done. All you have to do is have faith and be able to run when Vince tries to kill us."

…

That night when Raw went on the air, the regularly scheduled programming that had Cena babbling on about stuff nobody actually cared about was interrupted by the cameras cutting to Shawn and Hunter sitting side by side in director's chairs, clad in full DX gear. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages: we here at D-Generation would like to present to you a very special announcement," Hunter said, his eyes twinkling because he could picture the fit Vince was having right about now.

Shawn nodded along. "The WWE is always presenting you with strings of dvds that they want you to buy because they love the money. The latest have been Wrestling's Highest Flyers-which I was a part of thank you very much."

"Oh yes, that was the best part of the dvd Shawn," Hunter said with a nod. "And also on that dvd was Chris Jericho, who recently had a dvd released called Jericho gets an Enema…"

"Hunter I don't think it was called that," Shawn said quietly.

Hunter blinked innocently. "It's not?" he said in confusion. He looked like such a big dumb puppy that it was actually kind of adorable.

"No," Shawn confirmed.

"Oh. Well then what's it really called?"

"Uh…I think the better question is, who cares?"

"Good point." Hunter turned back to the camera and smiled. "Anyway, besides from those, there's also these damn direct to dvd movies WWE feels the need to shove down our throats and honestly, only the ones I'm going to be in are going to be worth seeing."

Shawn snorted. "I doubt that."

Hunter glared at him. "What was that?"

"Nothing…"

Hunter didn't believe him but decided not to push the subject. "So…if WWE is going to be taking your money like we all know they will, we're going to expand the choices because there is stuff they don't want you to see because they are meanies."

"Yeah," Shawn agreed. "The first of them being this…" He held up a makeshift movie cover and grinned. "Operation: Kill WWE's Greatest Douchebags. Everyone from Michael Cole, the anonymous GM, Vinny Mac himself-we will kill them for their heinous crime and get paid handsomely for the royalties."

"Oh yes," Hunter said with a nod. "And then there's this-" He held up a cover featuring all the divas on it. "Divas Uncensored: the utlra naughty edition. See all the shit our TV product is too PG to put on."

"Dude you can't say shit on TV!" Shawn said. He reached over and smacked Hunter on the arm. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Relax Shawn. The censors will just edit it out. There's absolutely nothing to worry about." He held up the next poster board and continued on like he hadn't been interrupted at all. "Now this one doesn't have a title yet because we can't think of one but we're going to reveal to all of you why WWE hates properly pushing small guys with actual talent-"

The production truck door burst open and Vince came in, absolutely seething mad. "HUNTER! SHAWN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

"Oh shit," Hunter muttered. "Shawn…"

"I got it!" Shawn leapt up to his feet and took the poster board out of Hunter's hand so he could smash Vince in the head with it. That was supposed to send Vince down but he didn't budge at all. In fact, his face just got redder and his eye started twitching uncontrollably. It actually seemed like he was about to turn into the Hulk or something.

Shawn winced and glanced back at Hunter. "Buddy?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to run…but I'm afraid to make any sudden movements."

Hunter shook his head. "I know, me too."

"You two…I'm going to kill the both of you!" Vince snarled. "You hear me? I'm going to rip off your heads and shove them so far up your asses that-"

Shawn, both scared and offended by Vince's bad breath, pushed Vince away just far enough so he could get his foot up and super kick the older man in the face, knocking him unconscious. "There. Now he can't hurt anyone."

Hunter smirked. "Dude, I just got another idea for a dvd: your greatest super kicks ever. We could do a countdown and shit and it'll make like millions and millions of bucks."

Shawn grinned. "Hunter…you're a geinous. An absolute fucking geinous."

"I know," Hunter said smugly. He got up and rubbed his hands together. "Come on people! We've got ourselves a dvd to make!"


	80. Jeff Does Maury

Jeff Does Maury

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a very special edition of The Jeff Hardy Show!" Jeff glared at the audience (which consisted of the referees, the ring crew and a handful of local jobbers) until they began to clap and act like they were happy to be there. "Today I am working to bring families together that are ripped apart by lies, deceit, possible infidelity and unknown DNA. Now-"

"Where's the popcorn," one of the jobbers asked. "You said there was going to be popcorn here."

Jeff's eyes narrowed angrily and he got up out of his chair, walked out into the audience and pimp slapped the guy who had dared to speak up without permission. "Shut your mouth before I popcorn your ass!"

"But that doesn't make s-OW!" The guy had gotten slapped again for daring to question Jeff's logic. Nobody questioned Jeff's logic, not even Jeff himself. It just wasn't allowed.

"Okay," Jeff said as he took his seat back "now that that's settled, let's bring out our first guests. One is a creepy blonde guy that used to be a controversial character with homosexual undertones and now he's just a creepy guy who humps Million Dollar Belts and a foreign chick who's name I don't remember and the other is a duck faced, chicken legged little shit who thinks he's dashing-"

"I am dashing!" came the yell from backstage.

"You're as dashing as Matt's anus!" Jeff shot back. "And believe me, that's NOT dashing!"

"Wait, what do you know about Matt's anus?" referee Charles Robinson asked.

Jeff responded to that by tossing a water bottle at his head. "Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Goldust and Cody Rhodes!"

Goldust got a lot more cheers than Cody did but also seemed more confused as to why they were there. "What is going on Jeff?" he asked as they sat down. "Why are we here? Cody said something about a DNA test-"

"Yes!" Jeff said excitedly. "Cody here thinks you're not his brother so we're here to settle that matter for once and all."

"But…Cody you KNOW we're brothers!" Goldust said in disbelief. "You KNOW-"

"I know no such thing!" Cody declared angrily. "You can't be my brother. Look at me and look at you! We're not related in any way."

"Cody stop it, you're being more ridiculous than the notion of you being dashing."

"I AM DASHING DAMN IT! I AM DASHING CODY RHODES AND YOU WILL ALL BOW BEFORE ME!"

Jeff giggled and held up the envelope with the DNA results. "Well I've got the results right here-"

"What? How could you have results?" Goldust asked incredulously. "You didn't even take DNA from me!"

Jeff ignored him and opened the envelope and took out the piece of paper inside. "Cody…Goldust…you ARE brothers!"

"What?" Cody whined. "No fair!"

"But there's more! Cody, Goldy, you have a half brother! Let's bring him out!"

A duck came walking across the stage and Cody got all pissy and stormed off and Goldust just stared at the duck before shaking his head and picking it up. "Come on Ducky. Let's go chase down poor Cody."

Jeff giggled. "Terrific. Now our next guest is here today to be proven what a dirty liar he is. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Matt Hardy!"

Matt came out on the stage, shaking his head at Jeff in disbelief. "Jeff this is absolutely ridiculous! What-"

"Shut up liar!" Jeff said, forgetting that he was supposed to be impartial and shit because he was the host. "Now did you or did you not once tell me I could "maybe" have a pony?"

"Jeff come on-"

"Answer the question!"

"Yes!" Matt confessed in exasperation. "I did okay? But maybe meant maybe so I never fully promised-"

"And didn't you promise me that you would buy me Skittles if I stopped annoying you?"

"You never actually stopped-"

"And didn't you say we could keep Justin Gaybriel? You said he could be our token gay honorary Hardy Boy and what happened to that? You let the Nexus take him-"

"Jeff now come on, I never actually said-"

"Silence infidel! I will not-" Jeff never got to finish that sentence because Shawn suddenly came out of nowhere and kicked him in the face, knocking him out cold.

"Shawn!" Matt said in exasperation. "What the hell did you do that for? You hurt him!"

Shawn just shrugged. "I did it because I'm a Sexy Boy!" He kicked Matt for good measure before skipping off and singing his own theme song as he went, making the audience of the Jeff Hardy Show wonder what the hell they just witnessed.


	81. How to Survive a Nexus Attack

How to Survive a Nexus Attack

Raw opened up with a video package that Vince had no idea even existed. Once he saw it he wasn't going to be happy because it had been shown without his permission but none of the people who were involved in the making of it gave a shit so it was all good to them. The video started out with Stephanie standing in Teddy Long's office, and she had her hands folded in front of her and was giving the camera a very serious look. "This public service announcement was brought to you by D-Generation X, the Hardy Boyz and…my BREASTS?" Her eyes just about popped out of her head as she stared at the cue card she was reading. "Hunter! What the hell? Why are my boobs bringing anyone a public service announcement?"

"Steph have you seen the size of them?" Hunter asked from off camera. "They could bring us an entire newspaper's worth of news!"

Stephanie's eyes narrowed. Apparently she didn't take that as a compliment and the camera was knocked over as she stormed over to him to smack the crap out of him. After a few seconds it cut to Jeff, who smiled and bounced up and down on his heels. "In the past few months, WWE has been infected with a disease known as the Nexus. Their origins remain a mystery to me because I don't know what an NXT is nor do I want to find out. What I do know is that they have swept the WWE like a plague and we're all here today to talk about how to avoid or survive a Nexus attack." He rubbed his hands together and grinned. "My advice to everyone is this: get off the ship. Get out while you still can. TNA will gladly pick up just about any one of you because you're an ex-WWE star-well, unless you fail so much that THEY don't even want you. And if you go, sure you'll be confused by their inconsistent storylines and you'll probably be taking the spot of someone more talented who's been with that company from the beginning but who gives a shit? Just as long as you're safe from the Nexus, that's all that should matter."

Rosa Mendes randomly popped in and held up both of her thumbs. "Now you know!"

Next the camera went to Matt, who was sitting in an office chair in his living room. "Another way to avoid a Nexus attack is to post weird Youtube videos that involve you rambling on about something nobody really cares about and have it concern your boss about the state of your sanity."

Rosa Mendes popped in and sat on Matt's lap. "Now you know!"

"Bitch!" Candice yelled as she and Maria stormed into the room. "Get off our man you skank!"

"Whoa!" Matt yelled, scooting back and shaking his head in amazement as Rosa shouted something in Spanish and attempted to combat the other two women on her own. It didn't work out so well for her though. She just got the crap kicked out of her and when it became clear that no clothes were going to be lost in the process of this fight, the camera switched to Shawn and Hunter, who were standing side by side outside the arena.

"You can also get yourself injured and then go off to make one of WWE's crappy straight to DVD movies," Hunter said cheerfully.

"Or you could wrestle a rematch against the Undertaker and then retire the night afterwards so-oh wait, none of you bitches can do that," Shawn said, putting his hands on his hips and smirking smugly. "Because you all suck and I rule!" He threw back his head and laughed, which made Hunter just shake his head, both exasperated and kind of afraid of his best friend at the same time.

"O…kay then." He shook his head a bit more and went back to the business at hand. "Now, if for some reason you can't avoid their attack like we all have awesomely did, then you have to know how to _survive_ one of their attacks. They've made it clear that they don't care about who or what it is in their path which sucks because that makes avoiding them that much harder to avoid. But there is hope."

"There is," Shawn agreed. He walked off camera for a moment so he could get a giant photo of Cena. "Stay away from this man. He's a Nexus magnet and if he's around then they can't be too far away. Now if you can't avoid him and the Nexus does come calling, throw him at them. They like beating him up and that will give you ample time to escape."

A battered and bruised Rosa came in and smiled, revealing she was missing one of her teeth. "Now you know!"

"Dude, what is the point of her being here?" Hunter asked Shawn.

Shawn shrugged. "I don't know. I'm surprised she even has a job with the company at this point." He flipped the picture over to reveal that Sheamus was on the back. "You could also make like Casper here and just run every time they come around. Somehow he's generally avoided their attacks-"

"HUNTER MAD! HUNTER SMASH!" Hunter grabbed his sledgehammer and began beating the fuck out of the picture, making Shawn jump out of the way in fright. "NO…MORE…EVIL…RONALD MCDONALD…AND CASPER…LOVE CHILD!"

"Now you-"

"No no," Shawn said as he shook his head at her. "Now's not the time."

"Oh." Rosa shuffled her feet unhappily before perking up and smiling for the camera again. "Welcome to Wal-Mart! Get your shit and get out!"

"Oh good grief!" Shawn lamented as Hunter continued to pound away at the picture of Sheamus. "You're stupider than Kelly Kelly!"

Next the camera went to Matt and R-Truth, who looked like he was pissed as hell about something. "Now, another way to avoid a Nexus attack-" Matt was interrupted by R-Truth, who decided that now was the best time for his grievance to be known.

"Vince McMahon does not care about black people."

Matt blinked and stared at his friend incredulously. "Dude…what does that got to do with anything? We're talking about the Nexus."

"The Nexus don't care about black people."

"True…that brings us to our next point. If you have to fight the Nexus off, target anyone that is not white. If you can get the best of them then the other members of Nexus will turn against them and-"

"Matt Hardy don't care about black people."

"Ron!" Matt said in exasperation. "Don't say that! I love black people!"

"I don't care about black people!"

"You're black! How can you-OW!" He had gotten smacked across the face for that comment. "Ron!" He shook his head as the other man stormed out. "What the fuck?"

The camera quickly cut to Jeff, who was standing with all the divas and Daniel Bryan. "If you want to avoid a Nexus attack, you should become a woman," Jeff said wisely. "Have you seen the Nexus ever attack any of these girls? I think not."

"And to survive an attack, you have to do one simple thing: choke a bitch." Bryan held up Justin Roberts' tie and grinned. "They say Michael Tarver and Skip Sheffield are injured but that's a lie. You see, they tried to attack me on my way into a hotel. They wanted to cause major bodily harm so I choked those bitches. You think those injury stories are legit? They're bullshit. I choked them until they turned blue and then I dumped the bodies in the river."

Jeff laughed nervously. "Yeah…great story. That sounded really believable for a minute."

Bryan's eyes narrowed. "Are you saying you don't believe me?"

Jeff eyed him for a moment before screaming and running out of the room. The divas all exchanged looks before shrugging and hamming it up for the camera. "And now you know!" they all said in unison.

"And knowing is half the battle," Bryan concluded.


	82. Car Ride

**Car Ride**

"Cooking class?" Hunter said incredulously as Jeff drove along. Jeff had picked him up saying they had to go on a mission and foolishly he had believed him. Now apparently they were on their way to go improve their culinary skills and he was considering jumping out of the car while it was still moving. Cooking class was one of the last places he wanted to ever go; he absolutely hated cooking with a passion. The only thing that was worse than cooking was going to Vince and Linda's for dinner because their house smelled like a nursing home and it was disgusting. "Why cooking class?"

Jeff shrugged. "Why not?"

"Because cooking sucks."

"It does not," Jeff said in its defense.

"It does too!" Hunter insisted.

Jeff shook his head, not about to be swayed on the matter. "Dude, Beth said if I learned how to cook better, I would be knee deep in pussy. I bet Stephanie would-"

"Knee deep in the figurative sense or the literal?" Hunter asked purely to be a smartass.

Jeff frowned. "Literal?"

"Yeah. Do you stick your foot up her hoo-ha so you're literally knee deep in her-"

"Whoa!" Jeff's eyes just about popped out of their sockets and he quickly shook his head. "Dude, no! Why would I do that? That's screwed up. You're screwed up. I hope you know that."

Hunter smirked. He was very well aware of that but he wasn't going to admit to it. Not right now anyway. "I think you're protesting just a little too much Hardy," he said with a firm nod. "You know, whatever Beth and you do behind closed doors is totally fine with me, unless it involves animals. As long as it don't involve farm animals I won't judge you."

Jeff shook his head yet again, giving Hunter a look that clearly said he thought Hunter was insane. "You know, just because we're from the south doesn't mean we do inappropriate things to farms animals. Matt says that's a horrible stereotypes you Yankees came up with to be mean."

"Us Yankies?" Hunter could only shake his head in amusement. "Wow Jeff. Just…wow." He scratched his thigh and stared out the window. "So where is this class anyway?"

"Uh….uh…uh…"

"Uh? Uh is not an address Jeff!"

"Uh…" Jeff looked around his side of the car and then winced. "Uh oh."

"Uh oh?" Hunter REALLY did not like the sound of that. "Why did you say uh oh? Please tell me you just said it on accident. You didn't mean it right?"

Jeff continued to wince. "I uh…I left the paper with the address on it at home."

"What?" If Jeff hadn't been driving Hunter would have hit him in the face right then. "Why did you leave it at home if you weren't going to remember where this place is? What in the hell is wrong with you?"

Jeff stuck out his lower lip and it immediately began to tremble. "I didn't mean to!" he whined loudly. "I thought it was with me because I had it in my hand as I was heading to the car but then I couldn't find my keys so I think I set it down…don't give me that look! It was an accident!"

Hunter took a very long and irritated breath, fighting the urge to strangle Jeff harder than he had before. "Well let's just turn around and go back then," he finally said. "Maybe I'll get back before my game starts."

"Game?" Jeff said in confusion. "What game?"

"My football game."

"You play football?"

"No you goof! I'm going to _watch_ football. Good grief, do I have to explain everything to you?"

"Yes," Jeff replied. He bounced along to the song that came on the radio but then stopped and frowned. "Wait, where are we?"

Hunter couldn't restrain himself this time. He reached across and bopped Jeff right upside the head. "How do you not know where we are?" he yelled. "You're the one whose driving! Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have let you drive! You always do this to us!"

Jeff's face twisted into a scowl and the next thing Hunter knew, Jeff was pulling over into a random parking lot and refusing to drive anywhere else. "You don't like the way I drive? Fine! You can walk back."

Hunter shook his head. "Dude, I'm not walking back."

"Oh yes you are," Jeff insisted. "You're mean and mean people are not allowed to ride the Jeff Express."

"Okay first of all, if that's what you really call your car, you're totally lame." That was not winning Hunter any favors at all but he couldn't help himself. His mouth was bigger than his brain was. "And second of all, I'm not walking back from here! We're in the ghetto! I'm going to get shot if I get out of the car!"

Jeff rolled his eyes. "We're not in the ghetto stupid. The ghetto is the next block over."

"How do you know that? I thought you didn't even know where we were?"

"Hey hey hey! Don't you question me!" Now it was Jeff's turn to slap Hunter. "This is MY car and its MY rules! Now I say get out!"

"Screw you, I'm not going anywhere," Hunter informed him. He pointed to a group of teenagers dressed in baggy pants that were standing on the corner. "See them? Those are probably gang bangers. And if I get out of the car, they'll see me as a rich white guy they can shoot and rob. And I don't want to be shot or robbed. That is not on my bucket list."

"Dude, I saw that movie," Jeff said, totally getting off track (it was too easy for him to do). "I was like 'man, these guys are all old and stuff'…and I got bored with it so I put in Happy Feet instead. Dancing penguins are the fucking bomb."

Hunter shook his head. "I like Madagascar better."

"What? Blasphemy!" Jeff slapped Hunter across the face. "Nothing beats dancing penguins! You hear me?"

"Dude I'm sorry, but Madagascar is way better-OW!" Jeff had just reached over and gave him a titty twister. "Bastard!" He put Jeff in a headlock and squeezed as hard as he could, making the younger man yelp in pain.

"Let go!" Jeff pleaded, trying to fight free but was being completely unsuccessful at it.

"You promise to quit being a doof and take me back?"

"Yes."

"Fine." Hunter let Jeff go. "Now let's go."

"Fine." Jeff was about to put the car back in drive when he looked over to his left and saw that they were right near a gas station. "Oooh! Lookie Hunter! They got slushies in there!" Without even waiting for Hunter's response, he got out of the car and ran for the building-leaving his keys right in the ignition in the process.

Hunter looked at the keys and then looked back at the gas station. "Oh screw it." He climbed over into the driver's seat and took off without a second thought. At the rate they were going, Jeff was never going to get them back and he had a football game to watch. _Jeff's a resourceful boy, I'm sure he'll get back on his own just fine._


	83. Matt and Shawn Go To McDonalds

Shawn and Matt go to McDonalds

"You know what's weird? Every time I eat these brownies Rob gives us, I expect to get full from them," Shawn said as he scraped up every crumb of brownie he could get. "But I don't…I just get hungrier." He looked around to if Rob had brought them any other pans of them but unfortunately, there was no more to be had. "What about you?" he asked Matt. "Are you the same way or is it just me?"

"No no man, I'm the same way," Matt assured him. He was rubbing his stomach out of hunger, not pleased with the lack of brownies they had now either. "We gotta do something about it man."

"But what can we do?" Shawn asked helplessly. He was trying to think of an answer but so far he had absolutely nothing. "What the hell can we do?" He grabbed Matt by the shoulders and gave him a good shake. "Tell me! Tell me Matt, tell me!"

"Hey hey hey!" Matt pushed Shawn away and then slapped him across the face as he tried to grab him again. "Calm down! Just calm down!"

Shawn took several deep breaths in order to calm himself down. "I'm calm," he said after a minute. "Now what?"

"We go…get something…to eat," Matt said very very slowly.

Shawn blinked and let those words sink into his brain. "Whoa," he said in a low voice. "Matt, you're a genius!"

Matt grinned smugly. "I know." He rubbed his hands together eagerly. "So where should we go to eat?"

"Uh…uh….uh…" Coming up with an answer to that was a lot harder than Shawn thought it would be. "Uh…uh oh." He shook his head and looked at Matt worriedly. "I don't know where I want to go."

Matt frowned. "What do you mean you don't know where you want to go?"

"There's too many choices!" Shawn whined as he stomped his foot. "How am I supposed to pick when there's so many places to eat?"

Matt stopped to think about it that way for a moment. "Wow, you're right. There are a lot of places-oh fuck it!" He slapped Shawn on the chest excitedly. "I know what I want!"

"Ow!" Shawn whined. "Why did you hit me?"

"Because!" Matt whacked Shawn again. "I want McNuggets bitch!"

"McNuggets?" Shawn rubbed the spot where Matt hit him and shook his head. "I don't want-"

"Too bad! We're getting McNuggets bitch!" Matt grabbed Shawn by the hand and dragged him off, not listening to any of his complaints as they went. He took him out to the car and practically threw him into the passenger's seat before going around to the driver's seat. Shawn tried to lock him out as retaliation but he had the keys so that plan failed pretty quickly.

"You suck," Shawn said as they drove off.

"No I don't actually," Matt replied. "I blow. See?" He formed his lips in a shape of an O and began to blow, his eyes constantly darting over to Shawn to make sure he was looking.

"Whoa…" Shawn watched for a few minutes before getting bored and rummaging through Matt's stuff. "Oooh!" He had opened up the glove box to find a stash of suckers inside of it (more than likely put in there by Jeff). "Mine now!" He grabbed one of the suckers and unwrapped it as fast as he could so he could stick it into his mouth. He held on to the stick and twirled it around a bit before giving Matt a smug look. "Hey look, I can suck!"

Matt let that one sink in for a few seconds before cracking up big time. Seeing him laugh made Shawn start to laugh as well and then Matt started laughing even harder because of that and then Shawn in turn started laughing even harder. They both literally sat there laughing for the longest time, neither one of them remembering what had been so damn funny once they calmed back down.

"Where the hell are we going again?" Matt asked as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Uh…McNuggets?" Shawn guessed with a shrug.

"Oh yeah! That's right! To Mr. McNuggets!" Matt drove on, getting them to McDonalds after getting lost twice because "the spirits" told him to take some wrong turns. "Yes! McNuggets here we come!" Matt exclaimed as he got out of the car and practically sprinted into the restaurant. "McNuggets! Come to Daddy McNuggets!" He started pushing the people in line out of the way, not caring that he just about stepped on two little kids. "Get me the god damn McNuggets!" he yelled at the poor, scared pimply sixteen year old boy at the counter. "I want the McNuggets and I want them now!"

The boy gulped and pointed to the other people in line. "Sir, you can't cut-"

"I can do what I want!" Matt reached over the counter and grabbed the kid by the shirt so he could shake him. "You hear me? I can do what I want!"

"O-okay!" the kid gasped. "You can do what you want!"

"You're god damn right I can!"

"Matt! MATT! Look over here!" Shawn started waving his hands around wildly to get the younger man's attention. "There's toys over here! Toys!" He was referring to the display for all the toys in the Happy Meal but Matt couldn't give a shit. He had more important fish to fry.

"McNuggets!" Matt leaped up over the counter and pushed his way past the manager so he could grab the fresh order of McNuggets that had just been made. "Yes! I have the McNuggets! I am your McNugget fiend!" He let out what was supposed to be an evil laugh of triumph before popping one of the McNuggets into his mouth. It burned him it was so hot but he didn't care. He just laughed again before trying to making his escape via the drive-thru mirror.

A very long silence followed his escape and then all eyes turned to Shawn. He blinked and stared back, only coming back with one response.

"Now see, doesn't that prove that Matt's not fat?"


	84. Hunting for Hardyz

Hunting for Hardyz

"So let me get this straight," Stephanie said as she sat at her desk and looked at Hunter and Shawn, who were standing in front of her, looking like a couple of scolded children. "BOTH Matt and Jeff are missing?" She groaned as Shawn and Hunter nodded. "HOW on earth did that happen?" She tapped her foot impatiently when neither one of them answered her. "Boys…if I don't get an answer in the next five seconds I'm going to get up and put my foot up your asses."

Hunter and Shawn exchanged looks and cringed. "Well you see…Jeff got lost at a gas station and just was never seen again," Hunter said quickly, completely leaving out the part where he purposefully ditched Jeff. That would only get him in trouble and he did not like that. Yes sometimes it served him well to be Stephanie's "bad boy" but today was not one of those times.

"And Matt went crazy in McDonalds and ran away," Shawn piped in. "It was so horrible. It was like listening to that Rebecca Black's Friday and not being able to make it go away at all." He was leaving out the part where he and Matt got high off of Rob's special brownies. Not only would that get him in trouble with Stephanie but he was also running on the belief that if he didn't confess it out loud, God would never know about his occasional stoner ways.

Stephanie knew that there was a lot more to those stories than what was being said. She could see it written all over their faces. However, she did not have the time or the patience to get the truth out of them. "Whatever. Just go out and find them, you hear me? You go out and find them this instant before they get themselves into big trouble-if they haven't already." That was a pretty big if, knowing the Hardyz the way she did (especially Jeff).

Hunter blinked in surprise. "You're trusting us to do that? Really?"

"Are you sure we're ready for that responsibility?" Shawn asked.

"Just GO!" she said irritably. Truth be told, nobody else, not even their girlfriends, wanted to deal with trying to find Matt and Jeff. Hunter and Shawn were definitely the last people that should be trusted in finding anyone but with nobody else willing to do it because it would just be too much of a hassle, they were the only real choices.

"Okay okay!" Hunter said quickly. He and Shawn held up their hands in defeat and exited the room as fast as possible.

"What is with her anyway?" Shawn whispered in case Stephanie were to somehow overhear them from that distance. "Is she on her period or something? Or did you knock her up again without giving her any time to recover from the last hell spawn?"

"Don't call my kids hell spawn Michaels," Hunter said as he slapped Shawn on the back of his head. "And don't talk about the periods. As far as I know she's not on them but if you talk about them, they will come. It's freaky it's like they know when you're fearing them the most."

Shawn shuddered at the thought and then pushed it out of his mind. "So where do we even start looking?" he asked. "I mean, those two idiots could be anywhere by now you know."

Hunter was damn well aware of that. "Do you even remember what McDonalds you and Matt went to?" He wanted to try to do the whole retracing their steps thing and wanted to try it with Shawn first because he would rather find Mat than Jeff. Matt annoyed him a lot less than Jeff did.

"Uh…no…" Shawn winced at the angry look Hunter gave him. "What? I was high!" He shook his head and glared at Hunter. "Do you remember what gas station you left Jeff at?"

"Yeah!"

"So that's where we'll go first!"

Hunter groaned and tried to protest but there was no winning for him. Shawn had made the decision for him and there was absolutely no changing his mind. So to his car they went and he drove them to where he had last seen Jeff. Surprisingly, Jeff was actually still in the area, standing on the corner with no shirt on underneath a leather jacket and a pair of Snoopy pajama pants that neither Shawn or Hunter had ever seen him wear before. "What in the world…" Hunter left the rest of the question unasked because he was very sure that he didn't want to know.

"Jeff!" Shawn got out of the car and took off running towards him, leaving Hunter to bring up the rear. "Jeff! Jeff! Over here!"

Jeff looked over at them and narrowed his eye as they approached. "What are you still doing out here Jeff?" Hunter asked. "We-"

SLAP!

Hunter blinked, his head rocked to the side from the force of the slap. "…OW!"

"Jeff!" Shawn looked at Jeff in shock. "What did you do that for?"

"He LEFT me here to die!" Jeff yelled dramatically. "Do you have any idea what I've been through out here? What I've had to do to survive?"

"…Become a stripper?" Hunter guessed.

SLAP!

"Ow! Become a hooker?"

SLAP!

"OW! Quit hitting me already! That fucking hurts!"

Jeff raised his hand in a threatening gesture, which sent Hunter diving for cover behind Shawn. "I've had to blend in with the natives around here," he explained, cautiously looking around to make sure nobody else was listening. "Learn their languages and customs-"

"Jeff we're not in some savage land," Shawn said skeptically. "We're still in America you know."

Jeff wasn't listening of course. "And eventually, after many trials and tribulations, the village whores made me their leader."

Hunter blinked in surprise. "So…you're a pimp?"

"Exactly Mr. Big Nose." To demonstrate his point, Jeff slapped Hunter again, only this time with the back of his hand. "Now bring me my money you fucking ho."

"But Jeff I don't-"

"NOW whore!" Jeff started slapping Hunter over and over again and even started going after Shawn when he tried to step in between them. "Give me my money! Give me my money how dare you come to me without my money! I oughta beat you with my pimp stick!"

Now neither Hunter nor Shawn were sure exactly what Jeff's "pimp stick" was and neither one of them were looking to find out. They just started running away as fast as they could, practically hopping into the car and burning rubber in their retreat. "Holy crap," Shawn said as he panted for breath. "He's lost his mind!"

"He never had it to begin with," Hunter reminded him. He was wincing, his entire face sore from Jeff's slaps. "But yeah, he's goofier than normal."

"What do we tell Stephanie when we don't come back with him?"

"Uh…maybe if we can find Matt and make him get Jeff back." That sounded really good to Hunter. "He's Jeff's big brother he has to listen to him."

Shawn nodded along and off they went to try to find Matt. Unfortunately, that was something easier said than done. They started going to all the McDonalds in the area, trying to find out if anyone had seen Matt. When that got them nowhere, they expanded their search to all the other fast food places they could find. Nobody else had seen him either though. "Are you sure you haven't seen him?" Shawn asked.

"Yeah maybe you're not thinking hard enough," Hunter piped in. "He's this tall" he held up his hand to show Matt's height "long black hair, kind of looks like a caveman…"

The boy running the cash register shook his head. "Sorry. I haven't seen him. And $5.95 will be your total."

"Well that was a bust," Shawn complained as he and Hunter left the building. They both had gotten chocolate milkshakes because this whole hunting business was hard work and they needed something to compensate them for all of their efforts. "I don't think we're going to find him anywhere."

"I know," Hunter said with a sigh. They left their car where it was parked and went over to the park across the street so they could sit down on one of the benches. "But we can't just stop. Stephanie is going to get really really pissed if we do."

"And that's just freaking terrifying," Shawn concluded with a firm nod.

"Yep."

The sound of loud drums caught their attention and they wordlessly exchanged looks before getting up to go see what it was all about. They saw a large group of people all going in the same direction they were and Hunter grabbed Shawn by the wrist so he wouldn't lose him before pushing people out of the way. "Move it or lose it people," he said rudely. "Move it or-hey! Don't give me that look! Do you know who I am?"

"No and we don't care!" some random guy said.

"Why you-"

"Hunter!" Shawn yanked Hunter by his sleeve and pointed. "Look!"

Hunter looked and his jaw dropped. Matt was dancing to the beat of a bunch of men playing the drums, naked and covered from head to toe in mud. "Uh…what the…"

"…I think the brownies made Matt lose his mind," Shawn said slowly.

"You think?" Hunter pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a long sigh. "What do we do now? Should we try to get him?'

"Well Stephanie said we had to," Shawn reminded him. "But I think he looks happy here. Unless you want to disturb him."

Hunter thought about the situation carefully, weighing the pros and cons of both decisions. After about a minute and a half, he came to his well thought out decision.

"Nah. Let's go get cheesy fries instead."


	85. Escape From the Chicken

Escape From the Chicken

"Bitch I think we're lost," Jeff said as he shook his head. In the midst of looking for a ho trying to hide for him he had found Matt, who was still baked out of his mind because he kept finding and eating more and more special brownies. Jeff had decided to drag Matt along with him on this hunt for the ho, finding a lot of entertainment in randomly smacking Matt and calling him names and pretty much getting away with it completely. Unfortunately for him, he had gotten TOO into that entertainment because now he not only forgot which ho he was looking for, but he didn't even know where the hell they were.

Matt grinned and let out a short laugh. "Maybe you're lost but I'm not." He took a few steps back and stretched his arms out. "See this? See all this?" He waved his arms around wildly. "All this is MY habitat. The trees, the sun the grass the wind-it's a part of me. It calls to me, hugs me, kisses me. It completes me."

Jeff blinked slowly and stared at Matt like he was completely insane. "That's it. No more brownies for you. Not ever."

The grin faded from Matt's face and his eyes narrowed at Jeff angrily. "Excuse me? I NEED the brownies! The brownies make me ONE with this earth! They take me up-"

"Matt you're baked." Jeff could hardly believe the stupid shit that was coming out of Matt's mouth right now. Usually he was high along with him so he never got to actually listen to the shit they all said when it happened. "You're not one with the earth." Either Matt was going to have to shut up, sober up or he needed to get high with him because there was only so much of this crap he would be able to stand to listen to.

"I am too!" Matt insisted. "Who told you I wasn't? Was it the man? Did the man tell you that?"

"The man? What man?"

"The MAN! You know…" Matt waved his hands around all spazz like and Jeff could only shake his head. "The MAN! The one that holds me down!"

"Matt you're not black. You're white. You're a white Southern boy. So technically, if you really think about it, you're the man holding other people down." That got him a slap right across the face. "OW! What the hell was that for?"

"Don't you EVER accuse me of working for the man again!" Matt shouted angrily. "You hear me? Don't you EVER do that crap to me! I wouldn't EVER work for that man. Not ever! Screw him and his injustice. I will NEVER stand for it!"

"Okay okay okay!" Jeff put up his hands in surrender. "I get it! The man bad. Bad bad bad."

"Damn right," Matt grumbled. "And don't you ever forget it."

Jeff rolled his eyes. "Bad man or not, I don't know where we are, so maybe you should use your new found earth connecting powers to figure it out.

"Fine. I will." Matt sat down right there on the ground and crossed his legs. "Stand back. I need space."

"Space for what?"

"Connection you idiot."

"…You're SO lucky I don't slap you with my pimp hand." Jeff watched Matt impatiently for a few minutes, scowling when the minutes just dragged on by. "Well?"

"Hummmmmmmmmm!" Matt said loudly. He had his eyes closed and was rocking back and forth, just completely ignoring Jeff. "Hummmmmm! Hummmm!"

"Matt-"

"HUMMMMMM!"

"MATT!"

"WHAT?" Matt opened his eyes and gave Jeff an irritated look. "What is it?"

"Are you done yet?"

"No."

"Well why not?" Jeff whined impatiently.

"Because you're disrupting my flow!"

"Your flow? Is it your time of the month?"

Instead of getting mad like he normally would, Matt suddenly found that to be the most hilarious thing he ever heard. He started laughing so hard he began to cry and Jeff found himself laughing too just because Matt was.

"Matt come on, we gotta just go." Jeff grabbed the now protesting Matt by the wrists and pulled him up to his feet. "Maybe we can call Shawn and Hunter and have them pick us up."

"Ugh but-" Matt stopped suddenly and his eyes just about popped out of his head. "Oh my God!"

"What?" Jeff looked to where Matt was looking and grinned. There was a guy dressed in a chicken suit handing out free pieces of chicken. "Freaking sweet!" He tried to go over there to get some but Matt wasn't having that. He started dragging Jeff away and when Jeff resisted he threw him over his shoulder and took off running. "Matt! What the hell?" Jeff tried to somehow escape Matt's grasp. "I want the chicken!"

"No you don't!" Matt replied. He was literally shoving people out of the way as he ran, not even bothering to apologize to anyone. "Bad chicken! BAD CHICKEN!"

"No! It's a GOOD chicken!" Jeff insisted. It was like talking to a brick wall but he was trying to. "It's got FREE FOOD!"

Matt ignored him and ran faster. The so called "bad chicken" hadn't even seen them so there was absolutely no danger but in Matt's over baked mind? The chicken had zeroed in on them and was now giving chase, trying to burn his feet to smithereens with lasers that were shooting out of his eyes. "No no no not today Mr. Chicken!"

"Waaaah!" Jeff screamed as Matt nearly tripped and sent them both crashing to the ground. "Matt! Would you be careful?"

"No time!" Matt yelled. "Gotta keep going!" He didn't think he was running fast enough anymore so another means of escaping was now necessary. There was a cab up ahead but it was still quite a ways. He almost went for it anyway but then another thing caught his eye and it seemed like a much better idea.

"Matt…who's bike is this?" Jeff asked as Matt set him on the bike's handlebars and then got on it himself and started peddling as fast as he could. The owner of the bike had come out of the store he was in and was screaming and chasing after them but Jeff just waved at him and Matt ignored him completely. Running from the chicken was much much more important.

"Where are we going?" Jeff was getting mad at the lack of answers Matt kept giving him. "And you tell me this time or I'll feed you to that chicken myself!"

"I don't know!" Matt answered. "I'll figure it out when I figure it out."

That wasn't much of an answer but it was all Jeff was going to get. He knew it too and he began to pout and whine because he was really good at that. "I want ice cream," he announced.

"No. No ice cream."

"Why?"

"We're running from the chicken."

"There's no chicken Matt."

"Yes there is."

"No there's not."

"Yes there is. The man sent him after us."

"Ugh!" Jeff shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Matt! I want ice cream and I want ice cream NOW!"

"And I said NO!" Matt said angrily.

Jeff scowled. No? No? Was Matt insane? Nobody said no to him. He was Jeffrey Nero Hardy. He got what he wanted when he wanted and anyone who dared to defy that needed to learn a big time lesson. "GIVE ME ICE CREAM!" He literally screamed that so loudly in Matt's ears that he about gave his older brother a heart attack. "ICE CREAM ICE CREAM ICE-" Matt suddenly lost control of the bike because Jeff's yelling was bothering him that much and down they crashed to the ground. "Ow!" Jeff got pretty banged up in the fall. "Mean!" He smacked Matt across the face.

Matt shook his head and took his wallet out of his pocket and tossed it at Jeff's face. "Here. Just take it. I don't care." He got up to his feet and picked the bike back up and took off once more, leaving Jeff all by himself there.

Jeff watched him go incredulously before laughing in victory. Sure he was alone once again but he had Matt's money now and not only could he get ice cream, but he could get anything else he wanted as revenge for Matt being an idiot. "Victory is mine!" He raised his hands up in victory and jumped up to his feet to do a little dance before hopping off like a bunny rabbit. "Ice cream, here I come!"


	86. Fireworks

Fireworks

"Don't you just love the Fourth of July Matt?" Jeff asked as he and Shawn looked through the fireworks Hunter had gotten. Matt was running the grill while Hunter drank some beer and the girls were all inside talking. Because of the mass amount of mosquitoes that were attacking them all, they were staying in until it was dark and actually time to light off the fireworks. Jeff and Shawn though, they weren't going to let a little thing like daylight get in the way of them lighting off some stuff.

"Not when I'm with you," Matt replied honestly.

Jeff's face fell. "Why?"

"Because you're a total idiot with fireworks. Now get away from those! You're going to hurt someone with them."

"Am not," Jeff argued. "And I don't have to listen to you anyway. You're my dumb brother, not my boss." He stuck his tongue out childishly before going back to looking through the fireworks with Shawn.

Matt rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Jesus Christ…" He looked over at Hunter, who had already polished off one beer and was starting on another. "Why did you have to get so much stuff?"

Hunter took a moment to drink more beer and let out a loud burp. "Well I had to make sure we had a good show didn't we? It's not a true Forth of July celebration without a decent amount of fireworks."

"Maybe but you shouldn't have brought them out already. These two yahoos are going to end up in the emergency room by the end of the night."

"Well as long as it's not me I really don't care." Hunter sat down in the nearest lawn chair and propped his feet up on another chair near him. "Now make me my burger wench."

Matt glared at him. "Did you just call me a wench?"

"Yep. What are you going to do about it wench?"

Jeff and Shawn exchanged looks. It was quite clear that Hunter was going to get it. And that really was awesome to watch. They could watch that any day of the week. But if they stuck around and watched it now, there was no doubt in their mind that Matt would then go on to ruin the fun they wanted to have. And they couldn't have that. So, with a firm nod to the other, they each quietly gathered up some of the fireworks and snuck off to where Matt couldn't see them.

"What do you want to do first?" Shawn asked.

"Umm…give me a Roman candle," Jeff replied.

Shawn handed one over and then watched in shock as Jeff lit it and then held it up in the air with his own hand. "What are you doing?" he asked as he jumped back. "Are you insane?"

"What?" Jeff said innocently. "It's funner this way." He grinned as the first fireball came firing out. "I'm like an awesome fucking statue right now."

Shawn tilted his head to the side and just watched as Jeff fired the Roman candle towards the direction of the neighbor's yard (thank god they weren't out there or there would have been all kinds of problems). Instinct told him that wasn't very safe but when nothing happened to Jeff, he decided to give it a shot himself. He had Jeff light it for him since he was useless with lighters and then held it up like Jeff just did. First two fireballs that came out were perfectly normal. He figured he had this under control. But something went wrong during the third one and it ended up backfiring right in Shawn's face, temporarily blinding him and burning off his eyebrows. "ACKKKKKKKKKKK!"

"Holy SHIT!" Jeff yelled in surprised. He jumped back as Shawn dropped the candle and started running around blindly. "That was awesome!"

"What did you idiots do?" Matt yelled as he and Hunter came running to see what was going on. "Jeff! What did you guys do?"

"Nothing…" Jeff claimed innocently.

"Nothing?" Hunter said incredulously. "Dude, Shawn's running like a chicken with no head!"

"I'm blind!" Shawn screamed. "I'm blind I'm blind I'm-" he ran straight into a tree and knocked himself out cold. Jeff immediately started laughing but stopped himself when he saw the looks Matt and Hunter were giving him. "Uh oh…" He couldn't talk himself out of this one. So he ran for it, scooping up a thing of firecrackers as he went.

"Jeff get back here!" Matt yelled. He was chasing him down while Hunter checked on Shawn. "Get back here this INSTANT!"

"No!" Jeff yelled. "You're gonna hurt me!"

"No I'm not! I just want to know what the hell happened!"

Jeff didn't believe him and decided to act accordingly. He got the firecrackers in his hand lit and threw them back at Matt, who dove for cover before they went off. "Victory is mine!" Jeff yelled as he kept running. He put his fists up in his air and let out a whoop. "FREEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMM!"

…

From the inside, Stephanie and Beth were watching all of this unfold. Rebecca had gone to check on Shawn and Candice and Maria had gone to check on Matt. Beth almost went to chase after Jeff but decided it wasn't worth it. Not right now anyway.

"Your husband is an idiot," Stephanie stated.

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I kind of have to pee."

"…To much info there."

"Yeah well, you asked." Stephanie shrugged and headed towards the bathroom. She would go and finish the food Matt was cooking herself once she was done. She was freaking starving and wasn't going to wait for him to recover in order to eat.


	87. Cops

Cops

"Where the hell are Jeff and Matt?" Stephanie asked Shawn and Hunter as they entered her office. They had been on the other side of the arena trying to tie Hornswoggle to a hood of a car so they could have themselves a leprechaun hood ornament but the summoning to Steph's office had put an end to those plans.

"Uh…Matt and Jeff who?" Shawn asked, trying to play dumb. He hated being called in here. He felt like a child who had been called into the principal's office. Actually though, this was worse. Stephanie was a McMahon and she was diabolical enough to marry Hunter so yeah, this was much much worse.

Stephanie glared at him in irritation. "Matt and Jeff Hardy. Your partners in crime. Two of the biggest pains in my ass in the history of pains in my ass."

"Do they beat out Jericho?" Hunter had to ask.

Stephanie just gave him a look that wiped that stupid smirk off his face. "Just tell me where they are," she growled. "Is that really so hard to do?"

"It is when you won't like the answer," Hunter admitted. Shawn quickly smacked him on the chest for revealing such information but the damage was done. Stephanie's entire face twitched and she pinched the bridge of her nose before slowly shaking her head.

"What happened?" When they didn't answer her she smacked her hand against her desk really hard, making them both jump. "I said what happened?"

Hunter and Shawn exchanged looks. "We have to tell her."

"No way dude."

"We have to."

"Noooo no no no. She's gonna get pissed."

"She's gonna get pissed if we DON'T tell her."

"You're damn right I will," she growled.

"See?" Hunter said triumphantly.

Shawn sighed in defeat. "Fine. But YOU'RE showing her."

"Fine." Hunter turned to Stephanie and held up one finger. "I'll be back in a minute." He left the room, leaving Stephanie and Shawn alone together. Shawn was fidgeting a whole bunch and he started doing it even more when Stephanie leaned back in her chair and just stared at him.

"What?" he said, totally paranoid now. "What are you looking at?

"You," Stephanie replied.

"Why?"

"Because you either look like a kid who's hand got caught in the cookie jar or a little kid that really really has to pee."

"You can't decide which?"

"No, not really. And I don't have to so there." She stuck her tongue out in a surprising show of immaturity. Though with all the stuff Shawn, Hunter, Jeff and Matt seemed to get away with, she figured that little bit from her wouldn't hurt.

Hunter came back a few minutes later with a videotape in his hand. "You're going to have to see this to believe it," he announced. He turned on the TV and popped the tape in. "I was just recording this shit for the hell of it and I'm like so glad I did it now. This shit is fucking amazing."

"Oh lord…" Stephanie had this feeling she didn't even want to know yet her eyes were glued to the TV screen anyway. Shawn sat down on her desk and Hunter came over to stand next to her. They both had already seen it but of course they were going to watch it again. Despite the fact they were scared shitless of Stephanie's reaction it was still quite entertaining.

_Bad boys! What ya gonna do-_

"Hunter!" Stephanie said in exasperation. "Why the hell did you record Cops? I hate that show!"

"Well it's not always about you," Hunter pointed out. The glare he got for that made him shrink back and put his hands up in surrender. "I love you…"

She just kept glaring until Shawn grabbed her head and made her look back at the TV. "Watch!" he ordered. "Or you'll miss it."

"_Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" the cop asked to the person inside of the car. _

Stephanie frowned. That car looked awful familiar…

"_I don't watch my speed sir. The speed watches me."_

_Even from the distance the camera in the cop car was, it was still very easy to see the irritation that flashed across his face. "Have you had anything to drink tonight?"_

"_Noooo. No no no no. I'm not an drinker and a driver sir. All I had were my brownies. My special special brownies that are really quite tasty. I would share one with you except I ate them all."_

"That is NOT who I think it is, " Stephanie said, trying to convince herself more than anyone else. The fact that she recognized that voice had not set well with her at all. "That is NOT him no no no."

"You know, denial is a river in Egypt…"

"Shut up Shawn!"

"I was just saying. You didn't have to yell."

"_Sir I need to see your driver's license and regis-what are you doing?"_

"Oh my GOD!" Stephanie exclaimed as Matt got out of the car and started practically hanging off of the state trooper that had pulled him over. She slapped a hand on her forehead and shook her head in denial. "No no no no no no NO!"

"You know, throwing a tantrum at the TV won't change anything," Hunter said innocently. He got punched in the arm really hard for that. "Ouch! I was just saying!"

"_You need to get back in your car." The officer was trying to reel Matt back in but Matt was just not having it. "Sir!"_

"_You need to relax," Matt said, actually trying to jump up on the poor guy and wrap his legs around him. "Just relax darling. Take it slow. Let Papa Matty help you."_

"Dear God he's begging to get the shit beat out of him," Hunter said with a shake of his head. "And nobody could blame this poor guy. If I had a high hick trying to dry hump me I'd beat the shit out of him too."

"He really needs to lay off the brownies," Shawn said wisely. "I mean really. It's clear they've messed up his brain real bad."

Stephanie shook her head and rested her forehead against her desk. "I can't watch any more. Shut it off. Just please shut it off."

"But you haven't seen the best part!" Hunter grabbed the remote and fast forward through Matt getting arrested for trying to like rape a police officer and went to the end of the show. "You really need to see this part."

"Don't worry, nobody gets dry humped in this one," Shawn assured her as he made her sit back up.

"That wasn't what I was really-"

"_I can weed-eat like a motha fucka boy!"_

"Oh GOD!" Stephanie slammed her head back down on her desk, ignoring the way she nearly knocked herself unconscious doing it. She had just seen Jeff in full Itchweeed mode running around in some poor suburban neighborhood with his weed-eater and cutting up people's lawns. Why he was doing it was not clear. It was Itchweeed; his reasons were never clear because they only made sense to him.

"Now it's not clear that brownies were eaten here too," Hunter said, clearly enjoying this show because Jeff and Matt were making this big of asses out of themselves. "But I wouldn't rule it out."

"Silly Hardy's. They're so stupid." Shawn laughed a bit before moving his legs to sit Indian style on the desk.

"_You better back up off me demons!" Itchweeed yelled at the two officers trying to come towards him. He waved his weed-eater around like it was a sword or something. "I mean it! Be gone demons! I don't want any part of you now. I'm just trying to work on this yard now, you know?_

"He really gets into this Itchweeed thing a little too much," Shawn said. "I don't think it's healthy."

"I know," Hunter agreed. "Maybe he's got like a multiple personality thing going on."

"Or maybe he's just loony toons."

"Maybe." Hunter put his hand on Stephanie's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "What do you think honey?"

"I think…I think I'm going to kick the shit out of both of them." She got up out of her chair and stormed out, slamming the door shut behind them. Hunter and Shawn winced at that before looking at each other and then shrugging and going back to watching the TV. At least it wouldn't be them getting killed.


	88. To Catch a Nash

To Catch a Nash

"I can't believe he did that to you," Shawn said as he shook his head. He was sitting by Hunter's bed, who was milking the attack Kevin Nash had given him on Raw for all that it was worth. He had been in bed all day and was constantly yelling for Stephanie to pay attention to him and get him anything he wanted. "That was not cool."

"No shit," Hunter said. He was switching through TV channels impatiently, clearly not liking anything he was seeing. "He hit me with that damn sledgehammer TWICE. Do you know how much that shit hurts?"

"Actually? Yes I do." Shawn gave Hunter a dirty look. "YOU'VE hit me that stupid sledgehammer PLENTY of times. You've hit like EVERYONE with that stupid hammer. I think this is karma coming back to bite you in the ass."

Hunter's face paled a bit at that. "Kharma? Oh come on! I already had Kevin kick my ass I really don't need her doing it to."

"Her? What? No!" Shawn shook his head as he realized who Hunter thought he was talking about. "I'm not talking about the wrestler I'm-oh never mind. Just take this as a lesson as to why you shouldn't be going around and hitting people with that thing."

Hunter pouted his lips. "But it's FUN!"

Shawn sighed in defeat and rolled his eyes. He wasn't even going to dignify that with a response. "What are you planning on doing? You know, as revenge?"

Hunter's pout turned into a bit of a smirk. "Oh I've got something up my sleeve. Don't you worry about that."

Knowing Hunter, that was something to actually be worried about. "What is it?"

"I shouldn't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because it's a secret."

"But I'm your best friend! You're supposed to tell me secrets!"

"Oh yeah." Hunter had forgotten that little fact. "I sent the most dynamic duo ever to deal with him."

Shawn's eyes widened. "You sent Batman and Robin!"

"…No…Matt and Jeff…but they're in Batman and Robin costumes. Doe that count for anything?"

Shawn mulled that over for a moment. "I guess. They didn't eat any brownies again did they?"

"Not that I know of."

"Then it should work out pretty well."

…

"Why do you get to be Batman?" Jeff asked as he watched Matt setting up the net above the doorway to the arena. They had been given a special mission from Hunter and would be properly rewarded if they managed to succeed in the task. Nothing motivated them more than the promise of Grey Goose vodka and chewy chocolate chip cookies. "That's not even fair Matt. We should have talked about this first.

Matt shook his head. "What was there to talk about? I'm talk dark and handsome like Batman and you're annoying and useless and in the way like Robin. It works out perfect."

Jeff didn't care for that answer at all. "I'm cooler though! Everyone wants to be ME not stupid Matt Hardy."

"Yeah well I'm Batman so just deal with it."

"But it's not faaaaaiiiiirrrr!" Jeff balled up his fists and stomped his foot. It didn't get him his way though. Matt just finished setting up the net and climbed back down the ladder, putting it away before whacking Jeff upside the head and then making him hide with him. "What exactly is the plan here?" Jeff asked, rubbing his head and still pouting. He hadn't actually been told what the plan was. He had just been following Matt's lead this entire time.

"It's simple really," Matt replied. "We wait for Nash to come in and then drop a net on him to capture him."

"And then what?"

"You whack him in the head with this baseball bat-" Matt stopped to hand Jeff the baseball bat he had brought along "until he's unconscious."

"Me?" Jeff stared at the bat incredulously. "Why do I have to do it?"

"Because if he gets out of the net to attack I don't want to get hit."

'Well some Batman you are!" Jeff thought about taking the bat and whacking Matt in the head with it. Before he could actually do it though, Nash came walking in and Matt tugged at the rope, making the net come down on top of Nash.

"What the HELL?" Nash yelled, his voice so loud that it made both Hardys cringe.

"Now Jeff!" Matt shoved Jeff towards the captured man. "Now now now!"

Jeff rushed out, swinging the bat like a madman. He managed to crack Kevin in the ribs, making the larger man howl in pain and stumble back a couple of steps. He swung the bat again and again, trying his best to get him across the head to knock him out. It didn't exactly work out for him though. Somehow Nash managed to get out of the net and he lunged at Jeff angrily. Jeff screamed and dropped the bat in surprise before running away as fast as he could.

"Jeff!" Matt shook his head in exasperation. "Jeff get back here!"

"Fuck you Matt!" Jeff yelled back. He was easily outrunning Nash because his legs actually worked and he wanted to keep it that way. Matt rolled his eyes, knowing he should have expected this. If he wanted anything done, he had to do it himself. He got out of his hiding place and grabbed the fallen baseball bat, whacking Nash in the head with it. Down the big man went and Matt hit him one more time just to make sure he was out. "Good boy." He threw the bat down and grabbed the rope he had brought with him and tied Kevin up real tight. Once he was done with that, he started dragging the unconscious man, cursing Jeff under his breath as he did it. Doing this by himself was even harder than he could have even imagined.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Matt blinked in surprise and looked over at Mark, who he hadn't even known was in the building. "Taking him to Mark Henry's dressing room and covering him with steak sauce."

"Do I want to know why?"

"Hunter says he must be destroyed so I figured Henry could eat him and take care of it for us."

Mark stared at him incredulously. He tried to form words but there were none to be had. He just shook his head in disbelief and left Matt to carry out his plan.


	89. Long Island Iced Z

Long Island Iced Z

"Guys…I think we need to give Jeff an intervention," Matt announced as he walked into the room.

Shawn and Hunter, who were playing ping pong, barely even looked up from their game. "If this has anything to do with brownies again he's just gonna be screwed," Hunter said. "Stephanie says we can't get involved with those situations anymore. He's a bad influence on us there."

Matt shook his head, miffed that his statement hadn't gotten more of a reaction than that. "No no no. It's not a brownie situation this time…at least I don't think so."

"Did he get kidnapped by midgets?" Shawn asked.

"No…"

"Is he stuck somewhere?"

"Nooo…"

"Then I don't care." Shawn flipped his hair over his shoulder and turned his full attention back to the game. "Take your problem somewhere else."

Matt scowled. He had come here legitimately trying to get help for his brother and this was what he got? He didn't think so. Fuck this shit. He wasn't going to stand for it. He snatched Shawn's paddle out of his hand and whacked the ball as it was coming at him, making it hit Hunter right on the nose and from there it bounced off to the floor. "There. Game over."

"Ow!" Hunter yelped as he put his hands over his nose.

Shawn sighed unhappily and glared at Matt. "Was that really necessary?"

"Yes," Matt replied without hesitation. "Now shut up and listen to me. We need to get Jeff and sit him down for an intervention."

"Didn't we try that with you once?" Hunter asked as he kept rubbing his nose. He had an awful lot of nose to rub so this was probably going to take awhile.

"Yeah."

"And how did that work out?"

"…That is NOT the point. Point is, Jeff needs to be gotten through to. He's developed this…obsession and I don't think it's very healthy for him."

"Well no, obsessions never are," Shawn said wisely. "Unless you're obsessed with ice cream. Then you can't go wrong with that."

"Believe me, I wish it was ice cream Jeff was obsessed with. It's worse than that though. Much, much worse."

Hunter and Shawn exchanged glances. While they still weren't happy with getting their game interrupted Matt did look pretty upset and they did owe him quite a few favors for all the stuff he had helped them out with. "What did he get himself into?" Hunter asked.

Matt shook his head solemnly. "I think you're going to have to see it to believe it."

…

"Welcome everyone to the new episode of Z! True Long Island Story. I'm your host Zack Ryder and today we have a very special guest: the one and only, Charismatic Enigma, Jeff Hardy!"

"Ohhhh my god…" Hunter said under his breath. Matt had taken him and Shawn to where Zack Ryder was taping a new episode of his Youtube show and not only was Jeff a guest, but he was dressed up EXACTLY like Ryder. He had dyed his hair blonde and tried to spike it up even though he had grown it out again. He also had on a Zack Ryder t-shirt, the purple headband with "Woo woo woo" written on it and a ridiculous pair of red sunglasses.

"Yeah," Matt said, now smug that they could see how serious this was. "He doesn't just like this show or like Zack Ryder. It's a complete obsession. I think he wants to BE Zack Ryder."

"…Why would he want to be him?" Shawn asked incredulously. "I mean, I know Ryder's the cool new thing but you guys are the Hardys! You…oh wait. You two fucked your names over pretty bad. Never mind, I can't blame him for wanting to be Ryder instead."

Matt glared at Shawn angrily. "Thanks man. Thanks a lot."

"Yo Jeff man, I'm really glad to have you on the show," Zack said as he slapped a hand on Jeff's shoulder. He was pretty oblivious to the others that had just walked into the room.

"I'm glad to be here man," Jeff said, actually bouncing up and down like an excited little girl he was so giddy. "I'm a broski man I've always been. Woo woo fucking woo yeaaaaahhhhh."

"That's awesome man I-"

"And you know what's really cool? You turned being a gigantic dork into something really cool!" Jeff clapped his hands and rubbed them together eagerly. "I used to be cool man. Like really cool. But now I'm like the punch line to jokes. It's not cool man. But I have a solution."

"Ummm…okay?" Ryder looked perplexed at the direction this whole thing was going.

"It's a good solution," Jeff said as he nodded to himself. "You want to know what it is."

"Sure man, I-"

Jeff decked Ryder in the face and shoved him off camera. "Then get the hell out of my way." He turned back towards the camera and grinned. "I'M your host Zack Ryder and this-"

"Ohhh no," Matt said. He, Hunter and Shawn stepped forward, now knowing they really had to act. "Bad Jeff BAAAD Jeff!"

"Matt? What are YOU doing here?" Jeff immediately tried to run away but was easily caught by the other three. "Nooo! Let me go let me go let me go!"

"No way man," Shawn said. "This has to stop. You can't be Zack Ryder."

"Why NOT?" Jeff asked as he was carried out of the room. He was still trying to get away but his efforts were getting more and more futile. "I wanna be him! He's the thing to be let me go back!"

"Jeff this is stupid," Matt said bluntly. "You can't just run away from who you are and pretend to be someone else. That's not how it works. You have to be a grown-up."

"Nooo! You can't make me you can't make me!" Jeff managed to bite Hunter, which made him leg to of Jeff's leg and then he nailed Shawn in the balls and then Matt as well. He tried to then run off but then Hunter caught him and nailed him in the back of the head as hard as he could, knocking him unconscious.

"Hunter!" Matt said in exasperation. "What the hell man?"

"Sorry dude." Hunter picked Jeff up off the floor and put him over his shoulder. "Boy don't need an intervention. He needs some damn sense knocked into him."

"Amen," Shawn agreed as he rubbed his balls.

Matt sighed. He couldn't disagree with that one, no matter how hard he tried.


	90. Monster Unleashed

Monster Unleashed

"Maaaaatttt!" Jeff's scream rang out so loudly that it was a wonder that the entire arena didn't hear him. Matt had been sitting in the locker room, talking to the Bella twins when he heard his younger brother hollering up a storm. "Oh god what now?" he muttered under his breath. He excused himself to the twins and left the room. He had no idea what it was that Jeff wanted but he figured it was probably something really dumb, just like it always was.

"MAAATTT!" Jeff screamed even louder and came running around the corner just seconds later, honestly looking quite terrified. "Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt!" He jumped right on to his older brother, clinging to him for dear life. "MATT!"

"WHAT?" Matt hadn't intended to yell but Jeff's yelling was contagious. "What what WHAT?"

"H-h-h-he's after me!" Jeff clung to Matt even more tightly, nearly choking him with the arms that were around his neck. "He's after me he's after me Matt!"

"Who's after you?" Matt was so beyond confused that it wasn't even funny. He hated it when Jeff started babbling but didn't fill him in on what he was going on about. It was something he could easily do all day long and it was so annoying. It made Matt feel dumb which was something he absolutely despised.

"Kane!" Jeff looked around all paranoid as he dared to utter that name. "Kane's after me!"

"Why?" Matt had to admit that his heart started beating a little faster at the mention of THAT name. Ever since he put the mask back on Kane really had been all kinds of scary. Everyone was doing their best to avoid him but it was hard when they had no idea where he was going to be popping out of next. "Why would he want you? What did you do?"

"Nothing!" Jeff pouted under the look that Matt was giving him. "I didn't do anything this time I swear!" He pouted even more when it became clear Matt didn't believe him (though he had no real reason to honestly). "Look…" he reached into his pockets and pulled them out so he could show Matt that they were completely empty. "See? Nothing there. Didn't hide anything from him. Didn't bug him in anyway. He just showed up in my room with his red lights and his creepy music and he started like coming at me. It's crazy dude. He's lost his mind."

That much was true but Matt wasn't too willing to believe that Jeff did nothing to bring it on to himself. He didn't get much time to think about it though. The lights suddenly dimmed and then lit back up red, and Kane's entrance music started to play. "Uh…what the hell?"

"Oh crap it's him." Jeff grabbed Matt's hand and began to drag him along. "Come on! We have to get out of here."

"But-"

"NOW Matt!"

Matt had no choice but to start running as well. The creepy red lighting and the music followed them as they went. How it was doing that was beyond Matt but there was no time to really think about how that was possible. They just kept running, turning the corner and finding Kane standing at the end of the hallway, glaring daggers at them from behind his mask. "Whoa!" Matt skidded to a halt and turned around, now dragging Jeff along with him. He was now officially creeped the hell out. He had had his issues with Kane in the past and he could attest to how not fun it was. Whatever was going on now, he wanted no part of it. "Come on dude!" He pulled Jeff along harder, nearly making his younger brother trip and fall on his face as he did it. "Come on come on come on!" He could not let Kane get his hands on Jeff. He had to protect him somehow. He thought about going into a room to hide but what good would that do? Kane would find them. Hell, he would probably already be wherever they hid by the time they got there and would pop out just when they would think they were safe. He was a horror movie asshole like that.

"Where the hell are we going?" Jeff asked as they ran outside. They didn't have their coats on and that really sucked because it was absolutely freezing outside but there was no time to worry about that. They ran across the parking lot, catching sight of Hunter and Shawn as they were walking towards the building.

"Guys!" Matt shouted, sprinting over to them and getting absolutely winded in the process. This running around stuff wasn't as easy as it used to be. He wasn't exactly young anymore and his body wasn't in the best of shapes. "Guys guys guys!"

Hunter and Shawn stopped walking when they saw them coming. "Hey guys," Shawn said, seemingly oblivious to the scared and panicked looks on the Hardys' faces. "What's going on?"

"Kane!" Jeff yelled. "Kane's coming!"

That sure as hell got Hunter and Shawn's attention. "Seriously?" Hunter's eyes widened and he started to back up. "Dude, why is he coming? What the hell did you two do?"

Jeff gave Hunter an insulted look. "What makes you think WE did anything wrong?"

"Well I've only known you for forever now-"

"Who the hell cares?" Matt yelled. "Just run!"

They didn't need to be told twice. Shawn and Hunter literally dropped their bags and started running, leading Matt and Jeff to the rental car they arrived in. "Get in!" Shawn yelled. He slid across the hood of the car and got into the driver's seat while Hunter got in the passenger one and Matt and Jeff jumped into the back.

"Drive!" Matt ordered. He wasn't even bothering to buckle his seatbelt. He just wanted to get the car going so they could get the hell out of there. "Drive drive drive drive!"

"I'm going to hold on!" Shawn yelled back. He went to start the car when he realized that he didn't have the keys in his hands. "Shit!" He started trying to reach into his pockets when he remembered that he wasn't the one who had driven to the arena. "Hunter! You have the keys!"

"I do?" Hunter slapped a palm to his forehead as he remembered that he indeed did have the keys. "Fuck!"

"Get them out!" Jeff said, slapping his hands against the back of Shawn's seat as he did so. "Come on Hunter let's GO!"

"I'm trying!" Hunter started trying to dig in his pockets for his keys but wasn't having an easy time with it. He was sitting down and he couldn't arch himself up straight enough to pull them out easily. "Quit rushing me!"

"Dude we HAVE to hurry!" Matt snapped. "Kane's coming he's coming he-"

"He's here!" Jeff yelled.

"Wh-" They all screamed as Kane busted Hunter's window open with his bare hand. Hunter jumped out of his seat and on to Shawn's lap, hugging the older man for dear life and kicking his feet out like a girl. "Get him off! Get him off get him off get him off!"

"He's not a spider dude!" Jeff exclaimed. "They keys! Get the keys and drive!"

Hunter just kept screaming and kicking his feet at Kane, who was laughing evilly at them. Matt finally had to reach into Hunter's pocket and take out the keys himself so he could hand them to Shawn to start the car.

"Are you scared?" Kane growled. "Huh? ARE YOU SCARED?"

"Yes!" Jeff cried. "Yes yes we're fucking scared!"

"Well you should be!"

Shawn, who had just been about to start the car, stopped at that. "Are we on scare tactics?"

"No. But you're gonna BURN!" The car went up in flames at those words and Matt woke up screaming just seconds later. He sat straight up, his body covered in a cold sweat and his heart beating a million miles inside of his chest. He had been laying on one of the benches in the locker room and passed out. He had totally pulled a Jeff and gone to sleep. "Oh thank god," he muttered under his breath. None of that had been real. It had all been a dream. He started to get up when the lights suddenly went out. He froze, swallowing hard as a small flame illuminated the room enough to allow him to see Kane standing there in the room with him.

"Bad dreams Hardy?"

The screams that came out of Matt after that echoed all throughout the arena.


	91. Campaign Speech

Campaign Speech

"So what exactly are we doing right now?" Hunter asked as he followed Shawn through the hallways backstage. He was supposed to be in a meeting with Stephanie and Vince right now, but Shawn had grabbed him before he could get there and was now dragging him off for some unknown reason. He was going to get in so much trouble later for missing the meeting yet he couldn't get that through Shawn's head. Shawn was insisting that what he wanted was more important so how was he supposed to argue with that? It was Shawn. There was no winning an argument with him.

"You'll see," was Shawn's cryptic answer. He had been refusing to tell Hunter what was going on, saying that it was a surprise. Hunter had been wary of that from the start. Surprises and Shawn were never a good thing. The only thing worse than Shawn having a surprise was Jeff having a surprise-and sometimes even then Shawn somehow ended being worse. Maybe he should have just went to the meeting after all.

"Come on come on!" Shawn said impatiently. "Don't be so slow man. We're almost there."

"Almost WHERE?" Hunter asked, getting frustrated with being kept in the dark so long. "Christ Shawn, WHERE are we going?"

"Here!" Shawn stopped at an unmarked door and opened it. "After you my friend."

Hunter's question still really wasn't answer but instead of bothering to ask what was here, he just rolled his eyes and went inside. There was nobody else in the room but there were rows of chairs set up and a podium at the head of the room. "What the hell is this?"

"Campaign speech," Shawn answered, dragging Hunter to the front of the room.

"….Campaign speech?" Hunter was even more confused, if that was possible.

"Uh huh." He sat down in the middle of the front row and pulled Hunter down in the seat next to him. "I got told about it earlier. Sounded important so I thought we should come." He glanced around, frowning at the emptiness of the room. "I told Matt and Jeff to come too damn it. If they're late and embarrass me I'm going to kill them."

"Shawn…" Hunter had to take a moment because he didn't even know where to start. "What is this campaign speech?" Might as well start there. "What is even going on?"

Shawn opened his mouth to answer, but before he could actually say anything the door opened and in came R-Truth. He didn't even look at them as he came in. He just walked up to the podium, setting down the folder he was holding and opened it. "What the hell is he doing?" Hunter asked.

"Ssssshhhh!" Shawn hissed, elbowing him in the gut and giving him a dirty look.

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen, for being here today." Truth seemed oblivious to the fact that Shawn and Hunter were the only ones in the room. "Earlier today, I announced my bid for president. Now, I want all the little Jimmys out there-" he looked down to his left, like there was indeed a little Jimmy standing next to him before looking back up to continue his speech "to know that I care about them. I do! I'm a gooooooooooooooooood R-Truth." He smiled and leered his head around, an absolutely hokey expression on his face. "And as a goooooooooooooood R-Truth, I will watch out for the little Jimmys and for the box of spiders." His entire expression suddenly soured at those words. "I don't like spiders. But I WILL eat them in spider stew. We'll ALL eat the spider stew. It will give us the energy to help get me into office."

"What office?" Hunter asked.

"The office of United States of America," Truth replied. He gripped both sides of the podium and looked around the room, a wild look in his eyes. "And if I'm elected, I will deport John Laurinaitis, David Otunga, Vickie Guerrero, the Miz and Dolph Ziggler to Mexico in exchange for another box of spiders, Antonio Bandaras, and Alberto Del Rio's car dealer."

Hunter didn't even know what to say to all of this. He was at a complete loss for words, which wasn't an easy thing for him to be. He usually had something to say for everything but not this time. This time he was truly and utterly baffled. He had stumbled across someone weirder than him, Shawn, Jeff and Matt, which was saying a whole hell of a lot.

"And now," Truth's voice was picking up volume now since he was excited "with me as President and Little Jimmy as my running mate, I would like to introduce to you all my secretary of defense, Shawn Michaels."

"WHAT?" Hunter shouted in disbelief. He gave Shawn an incredulous look, who was getting up to his feet and bowing to the crowd that wasn't there applauding the announcement. "Are you kidding me?"

"Thank you, thank you very much." Shawn was totally ignoring him now. "I would like to say what an honor it is to be serving under President Truth-"

"President Truth?" Hunter shook his head, really not believing this. "Shawn, NOBODY is electing this guy into ANYTHING! This is INSANE do you even realize this guy is even crazier than us? He needs like a mental institution or-"

"Security!" Truth suddenly yelled, prompting Shawn to deliver the Sweet Chin Music right into Hunter's face. Hunter fell right out of his chair, hitting his head on the floor and nearly knocking himself out. He groaned, hearing Truth and Shawn laughing their asses off at him. _I'm going to KILL those sons of bitches…_


	92. Detectives

Detectives

"Hey you guys?" Jeff said, drawing the others' attention on to him. He, Matt, Hunter and Shawn were in Matt and Jeff's hotel room and trying to relax now that they had the opportunity. Matt, Shawn and Hunter were sitting on the floor playing cards with each other while Jeff sat on the bed with his laptop (Matt had told him not to bother getting another one since he had broken his last two but Jeff hadn't listened, like usual). He had his legs crossed and the computer on his lap. His hair was hanging on his shoulders and he was chewing on the end of his rainbow strands.

"What?" Matt uncrossed his legs and stretched them out, propping them up on Shawn's lap.

"Hey!" Shawn pushed them off on to the floor, messing up the cards he had laid face down on there. "Hey! You screwed up my cards!"

"Technically you did that sunshine," Matt pointed out. He moved his legs back to his side of the floor and rubbed his knee because it was bothering him. He was having a lot of aches and pains lately. Sitting here on the floor probably wasn't a good idea in the very least yet here he was, still sitting and not making an attempt to get up. He was going to regret it later. He just knew it.

"Don't call me sunshine," Shawn said as he gave him a dirty look. "It's weird."

"It really is," Hunter agreed. "It makes you sound like a creepy rapist."

Matt's brow furrowed. "Whoa dude. Too far there."

"You think that was too far?"

"Given that I was the one that was accused of being a creepy rapist? Yeah. I definitely do."

Hunter smirked. "You know, if you are a creepy rapist, you can tell us. We won't judge you."

Shawn gave him an incredulous look. "Speak for yourself buddy." He gave Matt a venemous glare. "I would judge you. God and I will forever judge you and your rapist ways."

Matt raised his eyebrows. "Thank goodness I'm not one then. Seriously guys, you gotta quit thinking that way. It makes me worry for you."

"Hey!" Jeff pounded a fist into the bed and scowled. He was not taking being ignored well at all. "I SAID something you know!"

"Oh yeah." Matt twisted his body around to look back at his younger brother. "What is it Jeffro?"

"You know what would be cool?"

"If our bodies were made out of one hundred percent Skittles?" Matt guessed. That had been what Jeff had been going on earlier in the day.

"No."

"If pigs could actually fly?" Shawn.

"No."

"If you were the ruler of the world?" That was Hunter's guess.

"Close but no." Jeff bounced on his butt giddly. "Give up?"

"Yeah," Matt confirmed. "We give up."

"It would be cool if we were a superhero team!"

Hunter frowned. "Ummm...Jeff? I think we tried something like that before."

Jeff frowned. "Are you serious?"

Shawn and Matt both joined Hunter in nodding. "Yeah man," Matt said. "We did something like that before and it woked like...not well at all for us."

"What does though?" Shawn asked.

Matt stopped to think about that one. "Good question," he admitted. "I have no idea."

"Well damn it." Jeff sighed and punched the bed in frustration. "That spoils my plan then. What are we going to do now?"

"We could finish this card game for once," Hunter suggested. "We never actually finish one of these things."

"Because they're _boring_!" Jeff said. "We need to do something _fun_!" He shut his laptop and got up so he could set it on the table near the bed. "Ooooh! Guys! I have another idea!"

Matt groaned. He already had a feeling that he didn't want to know what it was.

"Let's make our own detective agency." Jeff puffed his chest out all proud that he had come up with that idea but he soon deflated when the others didn't immediately jump on that idea. "What? What now?"

"What uh...what exactly would we detect?" Shawn asked. "Don't detectives need cases? We don't have on unless we're going to solve the mystery as to why Hunter's nose is so big."

"Hey!" Hunter gave Shawn the dirtiest look he could muster.

"Sorry man."

"We'll FIND a case," Jeff said, reeling them back once again to the topic he wanted to be on. "That's what we'll do. It's what any good detective does." He stuck his fist out towards them. "Wrestlers...assemble!"

They all just gave him blank looks. "That's supposed to be our catchphrase," he said slowly, clearly getting irritated with their lack of response on this entire idea. "Good detectives need...oh you know what? Just forget it and let's go."

Despite their misgivings, the others all followed him out of the room. It did beat their card game, whether they admitted it or not. "Where do you guys think we'll find a case?" Shawn asked. "And what kind of cases are we even taking?"

"Yeah really," Hunter chimed in. "We shouldn't just take any old case. We should be selective. Our detective skills are too good to waste on ordinary people."

"We've never tried to detect anything though," Matt pointed out. That got him slapped upside the head by both Hunter and Shawn. "OW! What the hell guys? I was just stating a fact!"

"Ssssshhhhh!" Jeff swatted at all of them and led them over to Mark, who was sitting with Glenn and drinking a diet coke. "Taker! Hey Taker!"

"Oh dear god…." Hunter groaned. THIS was who Jeff was leading them to? He was going to get them all in trouble.

"Let me gues...you're a detective?" Mark said while Glenn just shook his head.

Jeff gasped, his eyes wide as could be. "How did you know?"

"We only heard you yahoos jabbering about it all the way down the hallway," Glenn answered.

"Hey! We're not yahoos!" Jeff denied with a pout.

"Yes you are but that's not the point." Mark leaned forward and grinned at Jeff. "I've actually got a job for you guys."

Jeff's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Mhm. Miz stole my hat and I need you fine gentlemen to detect where he is and get it back. Sound like something you can do?"

Jeff nodded. "Aye aye captain!" He saluted Mark and led the others off, completely missing how Glenn shook his head at Mark.

"Miz don't have your hat at all you liar. It's in your room."

Mark smirked. "Oh I know. But that little shit's been getting on my nerves lately so I figured why not get a little payback?" He took a drink of his Coke and began to follow Jeff and the others so he could see for himself the damage they would reap. "Besides, who says it only has to be the yahoos that can cause trouble around here?"

...

"Jeff, what are we doing?" Matt asked as they walked circles around the lobby. They had been doing this for about ten minutes now and Jeff had yet to explain to them

"We're looking for clues," Jeff replied. "We're detectives. That's what we do."

"Shouldn't we start in Miz's room or something?" Shawn asked. "We could ask the lady at the desk and-"

"No no no no he won't be there," Jeff insisted. "That's too obvious. He knows we're looking for him he won't hide there. It's too obvious."

Hunter frowned. "How would he even know we're coming for him? We JUST became detectives!" He glanced around to see who was all staring at them when he noticed that Miz was right outside the glass doors that led to the hotel's outdoor pool. "Hey. Hey guys. Look." He grabbed Jeff and made him look since he wasn't doing it on his own like Matt and Shawn were. "Look who I found."

Jeff's eyes widened. "Oh hell yeah." He took off running towards Miz as fast as he could. "EXCUSE ME PARDON ME DETECTIVE JEFF COMING THROUGH NOW MOVE IT PEOPLE! SUSPECT MUST BE PUT INTO CUSTODY!"

"Ummmm...Jeff we're not actually-oh forget it." Matt just started to chase after Jeff instead. "Jeff slow down before you hurt yourself!"

Jeff ignored him of course. He went right out the doors and headed straight for Miz, who had a towel wrapped around his waist and was heading for the door. "MIZ YOU ARE UNDER ARREST! GET ON THE GROUND RIGHT NOW!"

"Holy SHIT!" Miz took one glance at Jeff and dived out of the way. That was good for him since Jeff chose that moment to try to spear him. It was bad for the little old lady behind him though, because she got speared right into the pool.

"Ohhhhh no." Matt skidded to a stop and just turned around so he could go back the way he came. Everyone else was rushing to the pool to check on the old lady and he was high tailing it. "Go back go back go back!" he told Shawn and Hunter. They had stopped and gawked at what Jeff did now. "Go go go!"

"But shouldn't we-" Shawn tried to protest.

"Hell no," Hunter said. He grabbed Shawn and started running like Matt told them to. "We saw nothing. For the sake of Steph not killing us, we saw nothing and we had nothing to do with this."


	93. Lost

Lost

"Are we there yet?" Jeff asked impatiently. He was sitting in the backseat with Matt while Hunter drove and Shawn got the front seat. Jeff had wanted to sit up front since nobody trusted him to drive but of course, Shawn being the diva that he was, had thrown a fit until he could sit up front. Jeff had tried to object but Hunter had just smacked him and Matt had dragged him to the back against his will. It was just not fair. He never got to do what he wanted.

"No," Hunter replied.

"How about now?"

"Noooo." That was Shawn this time.

"...What about now?"

"Jeff!" Matt said in exasperation. "Zip it now."

Jeff pouted his lips and folded his arms over his chest. "We've been driving forEVER!" he whined.

"Oh we have not," Hunter replied. "We've been driving for-"

"A really long time," Shawn said as he looked at his watch. "We were supposed to be at the arena an hour ago."

"Wait WHAT?" Matt checked his watch, hardly able to believe that Shawn was able to tell time like that. Usually he was hopeless with that kind of stuff. "Holy crap! Hunter!"

"Waaaaat," Hunter said in exasperation. He glanced back in the rearview mirror in irritation. He was trying to get them to the arena for the next show and nobody would shut the hell up to let him do it.

"We're late and we're not even close to the arena," Matt pointed out. "Do you even know where you're going?"

"Of course I do! Stephanie told me the directions."

"Are you actually following them?"

"...The ones I remember..."

Matt, Shawn and Jeff all groaned in exapseration. "This is why you should have let me drive!" Jeff declared.

Shawn snorted. "You would have gotten us more lost than Hunter has!"

"Would not!" Jeff denied

Hunter glared at Shawn unhappily. "I'm not taking that as a compliment Shawn."

"Guys stop fighting," Matt said with a shake of his head. "That's not going to help."

"No but it's fun," Jeff said with a grin. That got him an elbow to the gut from Matt, which made him yelp in pain. "Hey! I'm telling Dad!"

Matt just rolled his eyes. He would deal with that later. "Pull over Hunter."

"What?" Hunter glanced back and gave Matt an offended look. "Why do I have to do that?"

"You got us lost."

"So you think me pulling over will get us magically found?"

"I'll find our way to the arena."

"How will you know the way? Stephanie didn't tell you."

"And you didn't remember what she told you so pull the hell over."

"Screw you!" Hunter flipped Matt off before turning back around and continuing to drive. No way he was pulling over to let Matt drive. "I'll get us there."

"Hunter..." Shawn groaned as Hunter left the highway on the first exit he could get to. "That's NOT it! Wrong exit! Wrong exit!"

"It is NOT!" Hunter insisted. "How would you even know Shawn? You couldn't find your way out of a paper bag!"

Shawn gave him a very hurt look. "You know, I have feelings Hunter." He put his hand over his chest, his eyes welling up with tears. "And those feelings have been so hurt-"

"I'll buy you ice cream later."

The hurt expression on Shawn's face evaporated and he leaned over and hugged Hunter's neck. "My hero." He planted a big kiss on his cheek, laughing as Hunter swatted him away.

Matt rolled his eyes. Hunter had not only taken them off the highway but down on to an empty dirt road-not a place where they wanted or needed to be. It was a recipe for disaster. "You just got us more lost you idiot." He leaned forward and smacked Hunter upside his head. "Pull the hell over before you drive us into a horror movie."

"Yeah!" Jeff chimed in. "I hear banjos dude. We're gonna get raped by hillbillies."

"YOU two are hillbillies," Shawn taunted. That earned him slaps from both Jeff and Matt. "Ow! Hnter!"

"Hunter, pull the damn car over," Matt ordered.

"No."

"Hunter! We need to get BACK on the highway!"

"That's where I'm going!" Hunter claimed. He was trying to find the road get back on the highway but since he had no idea where he even was, he just kept driving aimlessly. "You just-hey!"

Jeff reached forward and grabbed the wheel, trying to jerk it out of Hunter's grasp. "My turn to drive!"

"Jeff!" Matt tried to pull Jeff back but got kicked in the gut. "UMPH!"

"Let go!" Hunter ordered. He wanted to elbow Jeff away but if he let go for a second Jeff would have complete control of the wheel. As it was, they were swerving all over the road.

"You let go!" Jeff whined.

"No you!" They swerved off the road and started driving in the grass.

"Guys!" Shawn exclaimed.

"This is ridiculous!" Matt declared.

"GUYS THERE'S A TREE!"

Hunter slammed on the brakes, barely coming to a stop before they hit that tree. Jeff almost went flying through the windshield but got saved by Matt yanking him back into the backseat. Dust flew up all around the car and they just sat there in silence, catching their breath and getting each other wide eyed looks. "Matt..." Hunter finally said.

"Yeah?"

"You can drive."


End file.
